If a girl breaks up with you, or if you had a bad breakup, getting her back will be difficult, but we have the 7 steps you need if you want to give it a shot. The Art of Charm has put together this ultimate guide to help you get your ex-girlfriend back, starting today. That’s right, we are going to teach you how to win your girlfriend back!
How to Win Your Girlfriend Back Step 1—Spend some time apart
The first thing that you need to do if you want to try and get a girl back is to give her space. When romantic relationships end, both people need time apart.
This is the type of situation where you want her to come back to you. So, you don’t want to do anything that can be perceived as you chasing after her. And don’t be the needy ex-boyfriend with no self-respect who blows up her phone begging her to come back.
Give yourself space to breathe after the breakup.
There’s a really good chance she’s going to miss you as much as you miss her. And that’s what’s going to bring that girl back into your life. But it’s not going to happen if you don’t allow both of you room to breathe.
No contact is a simple rule. Do not contact your ex-girlfriend at all. She needs to be removed from your mind and your life.
- No texting or calling
- Don’t contact your ex-girlfriend to see how she’s doing
- Do not “accidentally” bump into her at her favorite spot
- If you see her out, be polite, but don’t bother her
- Avoid checking on her through her friends and family members
- Stay away from her social media—creeping on her won’t help you in any way whatsoever
It may seem extreme to cut off all contact. But it’s a crucial step if you want to get your ex back.
- If you two are still talking and you’re not sure how to initiate the no contact period, send her something like, “I’m not trying to be rude, but I need some space to heal and focus on me so let’s stop talking for a while. Thank you for understanding.”
How does the No Contact rule impact you?
You will start seeing things clearly and feel better about yourself once she’s out of sight and out of mind. You’ll remember that you can survive without her.
In most cases, you can’t fathom life without her. You will go cold turkey on this addiction when you stop contacting her.
But you will recover from it and see things clearly again.
You must first overcome your addiction to her if you want to get your ex back. You will be needy and desperate as long as you are hooked on her. And if you’re needy or desperate, you won’t be able to approach her from a position of confidence and self-control.
She will smell your desperation a mile away, even if you try to fake it. She was close to you and knows you well. So you won’t be able to keep it up for long.
And how does the No Contact rule impact her?
If you’ve made any mistakes that drive her away, no contact is the ideal approach to restart everything before rebuilding attraction.
Even if you haven’t committed any of the blunders outlined in this article, not contacting her is crucial. Because you want to allow your ex enough time to miss you. You will immediately lose your clinginess and desperation in her eyes when you cease communicating with her.
Step 2—Understand why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you
Now that you’re apart, spend time understanding why the relationship failed. Not doing so will be the biggest mistake. If you don’t learn from what happened, history is going to repeat itself, and how many times do you want your romantic relationships to fail before you learn your lesson?
Is she still attracted to you?
If a girl stops being attracted to you, it’s only a matter of time before she breaks up with you, dumps you, or cheats on you. If she’s still attracted to you, then there’s still hope that you can get her back.
But what might have caused your girlfriend to lose attraction for you in the first place?
How well did you treat her?
This might sound counterintuitive, but if you were nice to your ex-girlfriend all the time, she would have perceived that you were trying to get her approval.
People who feel inferior seek approval from people they see as superior. Women know this, so by trying to get your ex-girlfriend to like you more by being nice, you showed her you are inferior to her.
Evolution demands the female mind is attracted to guys she sees as superior to herself. This mechanism is wired into their genetics to keep the human race strong and healthy.
So if your ex-girlfriend doesn’t see you as superior, she then loses attraction for you. This is when the seed of breaking up with you gets planted in her head.
Did you shower her with appreciation or gifts?
You should be expressing your appreciation for the people in your life regularly. But if you constantly showered your ex-girlfriend with gifts and compliments, you showed her you think she is superior to you.
We all like to be appreciated, but a nonstop shower of compliments makes you look like one of her random IG fans sliding into her DMs, not her partner.
How did you respond when she asked for your help?
If you did everything your ex-girlfriend asked of you, you behaved like her servant, making you seem inferior to her.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything for your partner. That’s just being inconsiderate. There’s a balance, and if you did too much for your ex-girlfriend, you sent her the signal that you are there to serve her.
A woman is attracted to a man she perceives to have a higher value than her.
Most women (and people in general) wouldn’t be able to articulate this as the cause because attraction is a subconscious process. Normally, the explanation is something like, “I don’t know, I just don’t feel the spark anymore.” No one is going to say to you, “It was you washing the dishes every time I asked—that was the reason I stopped being attracted to you.”
Did you make her feel like the number one priority in your life?
You should always be your number one priority.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. Put your oxygen mask on before trying to put on anyone else’s.
So if you were prioritizing the needs of your ex-girlfriend over yours, you communicated to her that your own life is not as important as hers.
That is not a healthy relationship.
Even though women want to be significant to their partners, they need their partners to have their own hobbies and interests.
If you’ve made your life all about her, she has won, and women get bored of men they’ve won over. As do men with women they’ve won over. It makes us think maybe we can do better, which then plants the seed of breaking up.
Men and women need to feel challenged… women want the challenge of winning us over, not the “accomplishment” of winning us over. It’s like a man who chases a woman and then once she sleeps with him, the chase is over and he gets bored.
It’s the pursuit that keeps us interested, not the finish line.
If you made her number one in your life and you walked away from parts of your life you enjoy just to spend time with her, she won, and that’s likely why she broke up with you.
Were you jealous, controlling, or manipulative?
Negative feelings like jealousy, control, and manipulation are present in most unhealthy relationships. If your ex lost her attraction toward you, there’s a good chance you demonstrated these qualities throughout the relationship.
Think back to when you did anything for your ex-girlfriend with the ulterior motive of pleasing her.
- Did you try to control where she went and who she hung out with because you were afraid she would fall for someone else?
- Did you call her constantly or become overly possessive because you wanted to make sure she was faithful?
- Did you call her names when arguing because you wanted her to feel ashamed about something?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you were likely guilty of trying to manipulate your ex-girlfriend into staying with you.
I realize this can be a lot to take in if you’re just reading this after your split. It’s important to recognize we all have blind spots in different areas of our lives. These blind spots hold us back from the life we want because we can’t see them unless someone points them out. That is the nature of blind spots. If you’re reading this, you clearly have blind spots that are pushing people away. And if you want to make sure your blind spots don’t ruin future romantic relationships, Conversation Magic is here to help.
Step 3—Take the Time to Focus on Your Own Life
The best thing to say to get your ex back is… nothing.
That’s right, don’t say anything.
Instead, take action and do things that are going to get her to come back to you. Self-improvement (aka becoming a better person) is the best way to get your ex-girlfriend back. And investing in your social life is the best way to create new memories while making new friends.
The end of a relationship is the best time to work on yourself. The pain of rejection is a powerful motivator, so use it! You went from spending a significant portion of your time with your ex-girlfriend, to having all of that time to yourself. It might feel like a loss because she’s not there anymore, but every loss is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and improve.
What can you do with all of this new time on your hands?
- Reignite your social life! Spend time with friends. Catch up with acquaintances you haven’t talked to in a while.
- Join a gym or work out more. Try out some other gyms and meet new people.
- Work on your physical appearance! Take care of yourself. Get some new clothes so you feel and look fresh the next time you see her.
- Read the books you’ve been putting off. Join a book club and meet new people.
- Get more involved in your community. Volunteer for organizations like Habitat for Humanity, Big Brothers Big Sisters, Meals on Wheels, or a local animal shelter.
- Start working on that project or side hustle you’ve always wanted to pursue.
- Work on your social skills with a program like Conversation Magic so you can make new high-value friends, anywhere, and network like the pros to expand your social capital.
- Talk to a mental health professional. Having a therapist to talk to regularly will give you a healthy outlet for any pain or frustration you feel after the breakup. And it will teach you to better understand yourself.
- Sign up for a local sports league.
- Take a painting class. Take a sculpture class. Pick up a pen and start drawing. Just make art.
- Attend a cooking class or several cooking classes. You’ll learn how to make delicious food and you’ll meet people. Hop on YouTube and learn how to make your favorite foods.
- Pick up a musical instrument. Take lessons. Hop on the internet and teach yourself how to play.
- Write that book you’ve been thinking about. Or just start journaling your thoughts. Take up poetry!
- Hop on a plane and go somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit. Solo travel is a great way to clear your head, have some fun adventures, meet cool people, and learn about yourself.
If you make a genuine effort to improve yourself, she’s going to hear about it and see the changes happening in your life. This is what’s going to make her want to be a part of your life again.
Step 4—Build Your Self-Confidence Back Up
If you want your ex-girlfriend back, your confidence (and body language) have to speak for you.
Your body language has likely been lacking. Things like not making eye contact or smiling, not standing up straight, rounding your shoulders forward, and looking down (vs straight ahead)… are all signs that you lack confidence.
Confident men exist with purpose and intent. They are not afraid to take up the space they need, stand tall and strong, make eye contact, and be vulnerable.
Because women desire a guy who is strong and sure of himself, your weak body language is a contributing factor in why she lost interest in you.
But body language can be improved.
You need to behave confidently and attractively. If you start working on it now, you’ll appear confident and attractive the next time you see her.
If you want to improve your body language and confidence, remember the Art of Charm Doorway Drill:
- Every time you walk through a doorway, imagine there’s a string attached to the top of your head. Picture that string pulling you up until you are standing straight.
- Then roll your shoulders back and down.
- Rest your hands at your sides. Don’t cross them in front of you (this makes you look defensive), and don’t put your hands in your pockets (this makes you look smaller).
- Smile with your eyes. Think about when you have a genuine smile on your face. You can feel the skin around the outside corners of your eyes scrunch up. This is the kind of smile you should be wearing.
If you practice this drill every time you walk through a doorway, you will be exuding confidence in no time and the drill will just be a habit by the time you hang out with her again.
Step 5—Avoid These Mistakes Other Guys Make
Sooner or later, the girl that broke up with you will initiate contact with you again. This is what you’re waiting for.
Let her initiate contact first because it allows her to chase after you. This puts you on a stronger footing when it comes to getting your girl back. If you chase after her, chances are good that all you’re going to do is drive her away.
Common Mistake 1: Replying instantly to her messages
This shows desperation. It’s like you’re waiting by the phone to hear from her and you have nothing else going on. Not attractive.
Instead, mirror her response times.
If she takes an hour to reply, you take two hours. Does she take a day to respond? Then you take two days. This shows her that you’re indifferent about the two of you, which tells her you’re a high-value guy who doesn’t need her.
She needs to see a signal like this before her spark of attraction for you can reignite.
Common Mistake 2: Sending long text messages in response to a short text message
Again, this shows desperation. If she sends you a text message 2 lines long, send her a text message 1-2 lines long.
If she puts a little effort into a text, then you should put a little less effort into your response.
This one is a result of the same underlying concept. Your lack of concern over what happens between you and your ex indicates that you, like any high-value, attractive guy would, have other choices than her.
Common Mistake 3: Sending texts that are heavy and emotionally charged
If you’re trying to win your ex-girlfriend back, bringing up the past relationship and crying about it will only hurt you.
Keep your texts light, playful, and optimistic. Leave the serious stuff for later on.
She needs time to change her feelings toward you before you can talk about her feelings.
I know that’s easier said than done, but be patient.
If you bring it up too soon, her emotions about you won’t have changed significantly yet. And it’ll just reaffirm for her that breaking up was the correct course of action.
Broken relationships should be discussed in person anyway, not over text or the phone. Being able to see, hear, and touch each other will remind her of the chemistry she had with you, which is much harder to do over text.
Use texting to re-capture the excitement of the past that attracted her to start dating you in the first place. It can then become a step toward meeting up with her, where you can discuss the split.
As time passes, a meeting with her in person will become essential. Because if you can win your ex-girlfriend back, it’ll be after spending time with her.
The female mind relies on emotions to make decisions about her love life. So if she is more likely to feel that old spark in person, seeing her and spending time with her is crucial to get your ex back.
If you’re texting her, you’ll need to set up a meeting with her during the conversations. You can’t jump to that part because you need to generate some good feelings within her so she genuinely wants to see you. But inviting her out is something you must do once she’s enjoying the conversation with you.
To reiterate: before you invite her to meet, you must first warm her up and spark attraction in her over text. That way, when you do invite her to meet, she doesn’t refuse or flake.
Step 6—Tell Her How You’ve Been Spending Your Time
After she initiates contact with you, now is the time to say the things that are going to get this girl back in your life. What types of things are those? Mostly how you’ve been spending your time, being productive, bettering yourself, and overall being a happier person.
Wallowing in misery is one of the least sexy things in the world. But a happy man who is making strides toward being the type of man he’s always wanted to be?
It doesn’t get any better than that.
Don’t be afraid to mention you’re dating other girls (if you’re actually dating other girls—don’t lie). Just make sure you leave out the details. She deserves to know, and there are few things women want more than the things that they can’t have.
Step 7—Ask Her Out
Of course, any process of getting a girl back into your life is going to end with you asking her out. Make it something like a first date so that you two can focus more on excitement for the future than how the relationship ended.
If you can establish solid rapport with her through texts and phone conversations, getting her to meet with you should be simple. And if you followed our advice, there’s a good chance she’ll bring up the idea of meeting first, or at least hint at it.
If she doesn’t and you’ve had healthy communication for several weeks, then ask her out. Don’t overthink it. Just tell her that you want to meet up with her for lunch, coffee, or just a walk. Something casual at a place she would like.
Whatever you do, don’t call it a date.
That word will throw up her defenses. She needs to see you and feel her emotions around you before the idea of a romantic relationship can be hinted at.
Go for the Second Date
You should have one goal in mind when you meet up with her: a second date.
She will be asking herself questions the whole time you’re with her:
- Has he changed or is this an act?
- Can I trust him again?
- Is he going to pressure me into being his girlfriend again?
- Is this all just a ruse to get back together?
- Can I even have a good time with him again?
- Is he just going to make the same mistakes again?
Unsurprisingly, she will be skeptical about your behavior. You both had a relationship and it ended badly.
The best way to ease her mind is to show that you’re still the same guy she fell in love with. Be relaxed and have fun. She’ll start to see how good it feels to be around you and maybe, just maybe, she’ll let her guard down.
Focus on the present and future, not the past
If the first encounter turns into a conversation about the breakup and your serious relationship, it will appear as though you’re meeting just to obtain closure. Instead, talk about what has changed in your life since the breakup. Focus on the positives.
With that said, if she wants to talk about the breakup, allow it to happen. If it starts to get heated or emotional, change gears and focus on something else.
Resolve the issue and get back to having a good time.
Extend the date and bump up the intimacy
If your date goes well, try to extend it to a different venue. Be the man she wants and take the lead. Ask her to join you for something else.
When you finish coffee, ask her to take a walk with you. Grab a drink or catch the sunset after getting dinner together.
If she agrees to spend more time with you, she is enjoying herself, so:
- Hold her hand as you cross a street
- Touch her arm or give her a side hug when she makes you laugh
- Use a napkin to wipe something off her face
- Ask her if she wants to try your food and feed it to her
The point is to create more opportunities for physical contact because it helps her to feel the spark she has for you. Every time you touch her, you are increasing the sexual tension and upping the ante for the next date. This is still the first time you’re hanging out together so take things slow. You don’t want to come on too strong and scare her off.
Wait to ask her out again
You’re there for one purpose: to have a good time and demonstrate that you’ve improved since the breakup. You don’t want to end the date by asking her out on a second date. Instead, give your ex space to think about the time you just spent together and allow her to realize you’re ready for a healthy relationship.
Ideally, she’s thinking about it so she’ll bring it up herself and you can set a time and place.
Wait a few days and ask her out if she doesn’t bring it up.
If you’ve followed our advice, you should now be well on your way to win back your girlfriend. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Keep your cool and remember that she needs time to see you’re a happier person and working on being your best self. With a little bit of effort, you’ll be able to get the girl of your dreams back into your arms.
To summarize what we’ve discussed today:
- Give your ex space until she’s ready to contact you
- Take time to understand why your girlfriend dumped you
- Focus on you and work on being a better version of yourself
- Build your self-confidence and self-esteem back up
- Avoid the texting mistakes most guys make after a breakup
- Focus on positive changes in your life when you two start talking again
- Ask her out
Remember to have the right attitude, take things slow, work on yourself, and stay positive.
Don’t want to risk getting tongue-tied and screwing things up the next time you see her? Check out Conversation Magic now to make sure you don’t crash and burn when you ask her out. With our bulletproof formula, you’ll be flirting up a storm, creating fun and engaging conversations, and sparking the attraction in her so she chases you!