Liesel Sharabi Podcast: How AI Is Changing Dating

Guest: Dr. Liesel Sharabi Associate professor in the Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab.

Dr. Liesel Sharabi is an associate professor at Arizona State University who has studied dating apps for years. On The Art of Charm podcast she explains why apps frustrate serious daters, how AI-written messages and AI “dating agents” could make things worse, and what actually works: a better profile, tailored openers, limits on swiping, and getting face to face.

The full 51-minute episode is embedded on this page. Below you’ll find Sharabi’s background, the key takeaways, a timestamped chapter list, and what I’d change about how you use dating apps, starting tonight.

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Who is Dr. Liesel Sharabi?

Dr. Liesel Sharabi is an associate professor in the Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab. Her research looks at how people use communication technology to choose partners and build relationships. She received the 2022 Early Career Award from the Interpersonal Communication Division of the National Communication Association, writes the “Dating in the Digital Age” blog for Psychology Today, and is a relationship science advisor for the dating app Hily (lieselsharabi.com).

In the episode she says she got interested in online dating around her college graduation. Friends who moved to new cities were using it and meeting great partners, but kept it quiet because it still carried a stigma. She remembers thinking it was going to be the future.

Key takeaways from the Liesel Sharabi podcast

• Apps are gamified. Swiping is fun, which pulls in people who aren’t serious, and that’s where much of the frustration comes from.
• The app’s goals aren’t always yours. A platform doesn’t necessarily profit from you finding someone and leaving.
• It’s not just you. The micro-rejections pile up, and Sharabi says some of that is by design.
• Profiles push the wrong filters. Height, job and favorite shows matter less face to face than whether someone is funny, kind and comfortable to be around.
• Build, don’t just find. The “perfect partner is out there” mindset undercuts the work of building a relationship.
• AI is a coach, not a stand-in. Use it for feedback. If it writes your messages for you, the gap shows up the moment you meet.
• Fix the basics. Start with your profile, make it easy to message you, tailor your openers and limit your swiping.

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Episode chapters

• 0:00 How Sharabi started studying dating apps
• 2:00 Dating sites vs. dating apps: the gamification shift
• 4:00 When the platform’s goals don’t match yours
• 7:01 Apps, loneliness and micro-rejections
• 8:01 Height, jobs and filters that don’t matter in person
• 11:04 Why people oversell themselves on profiles
• 13:06 The pull of the “better option”
• 16:08 Finding a perfect partner vs. building a relationship
• 17:08 Keeping your options open forever
• 20:09 Ghosting and dating without consequences
• 21:10 Young adults who’ve never asked someone out in person
• 22:12 AI writing your messages
• 23:13 AI agents that date for you
• 25:16 Why generic openers fail
• 28:16 How couples meet now: networks vs. algorithms
• 30:18 The pen-pal trap
• 31:19 What her research shows about online-met marriages
• 32:20 The stigma that hasn’t gone away
• 34:20 Who initiates, and the spam-and-overwhelm dynamic
• 36:23 People on the apps for other reasons
• 41:27 What she’s excited about: AI matchmaking and VR
• 43:28 What good AI matchmaking would measure
• 44:28 The similarity trap
• 46:29 How to succeed on dating apps
• 48:33 Put limits on your swiping
• 50:36 Where to find Sharabi’s work

Why dating apps feel broken

When we started this show, online dating meant sitting at a desktop, entering a credit card and filling out a long questionnaire. That kind of friction meant people were serious. Sharabi explains what changed: apps drew in a much younger crowd by gamifying the experience. Swiping and collecting matches became fun. That also pulled in lots of people who aren’t serious about meeting anyone. If you are serious, that’s maddening.

The matching changed too. Old sites leaned on questionnaires and relationship science. Apps lean on your behavior. Nobody spends an hour signing up for Tinder, so you get matches without knowing why, and with no clear way to change them.

Then there’s the business model. Sharabi points out that the platform’s goals can be at odds with yours. You want to meet someone and leave. Is that in the app’s interest, or is it better if you keep swiping, keep dating and keep coming back?

Her most important line for frustrated guys: it’s not just you, and some of this is by design. The micro-rejections add up. If the pool is huge and it still isn’t working, it’s easy to conclude something’s wrong with you. Sometimes it’s how the apps are built.

You’re filtering for the wrong things

Apps make you pick partners on things you’d never notice in person. We don’t walk around with a tape measure or check someone’s LinkedIn at a bar. On an app, height and job are front and center.

Sharabi’s point: when you meet face to face, you pay attention to what it’s like to be with them. Are they funny? Do they make you comfortable? How do they treat people around you? She asks people with a strict height requirement whether they’d even notice a couple of inches in person.

The flip side for men: stop overselling yourself. Sharabi says apps push people to exaggerate because they feel they have to stand out in a sea of profiles, and they often don’t realize they’re doing it. Then you get lots of first dates and no second ones. A profile that matches the guy who shows up is worth more than a profile that gets a match.

Stop looking for the perfect partner

Sharabi describes an “online dating mindset”: the belief that the perfect relationship is out there, and you just have to find it. In her words, it becomes about finding a perfect partner instead of building a perfect relationship. People with more of a growth mindset about relationships tend to do better.

Endless options make that worse. When a relationship cools, the app is right there offering someone new. We talked on the show about how most people never delete the app once they’re in a relationship, so in a weak moment there it is. Sharabi mentions a psychologist who has suggested the best relationships won’t be pulled away, but the mediocre ones might.

What I tell guys: keeping one foot out the door means you never get the depth that makes a relationship worth having. Sharabi agrees: if you want a relationship, at some point you have to go all in with someone and let the other options go.

AI won’t date for you

This is the part of the episode that’s aged fast. People already use AI to write profiles and opening lines, and there’s talk of AI agents that would swipe and chat on your behalf, then book the date.

As we joked on the show, here’s what that would actually look like: two strangers meet, and the only thing they know is that their AIs decided they both like the same cartoon. Sharabi’s concern is bigger. People’s biggest fear about online dating is being misled or catfished. Let AI do the talking and you amplify that problem. You meet in person and can’t keep up the conversation your AI was having.

She does see a role for AI: as a coach. Ask it for feedback on how you present yourself and get pointers. Just don’t let it represent you.

There’s also a practical reason. Sharabi says the best opening line is one tailored to the person you’re talking to. Nobody likes “hey, what’s up.” And as we said on the show, if you screenshot a profile and ask AI for an opener, a hundred other guys are doing the same thing and getting the same lines. She’s not going to feel like you wrote it just for her, because you didn’t.

What to do instead:

1. Read her profile. Find one specific thing you actually have a reaction to.
2. Say something only you would say. Your opinion, your story, a playful disagreement.
3. Make it easy to reply. End with something she can answer.

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Get out of the app and into real life

Sharabi says online dating algorithms have become the most common way people meet in the US, and introductions through friends and family are declining. That has consequences. You’re meeting strangers your friends and family don’t know, and it can be harder to get them on board and fold your partner into your life. Long-term relationships need that support.

She also warns about the pen-pal trap. Messaging feels comfortable because you skip the awkwardness of real-time conversation. But the longer you message, the more you fill in the blanks and build a fantasy version of the other person. Then nobody can live up to it in person.

She also talks about a recent study of hers. An earlier study found couples who met online were slightly better off. In her follow-up, after the shift to mobile apps, that effect had reversed and couples who met online reported slightly lower marital quality. She’s careful to say the differences aren’t dramatic, but the shift is worth noticing.

Here’s my take for men: use the apps as a way to set up real dates. Move to a call or a meetup quickly. Keep building your social life offline too, through friends, activities and the places you go regularly. That’s still where you develop the social skills that make you attractive on a date.

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How to win on dating apps, per Sharabi

Sharabi calls herself an optimist. The tech isn’t going anywhere, so the goal is to make it work better for you. Her advice:

• Start with your profile. It drives everything about how the apps work for you. Changing it changes who you match with and whether those matches turn into relationships.
• Make it easy to message you. Give people a hook. Her example: “I’m new to the area, I love coffee, always looking for recommendations for the best coffee shops.” Now anyone has an easy opener.
• Limit your swiping. She says choice overload is real. When the faces start to blur together, you drift from what you’re actually looking for. Look at a handful at a time.
• Be picky. She notes that swiping right on everyone and sorting through matches afterward tells the app you’ll match with anybody, which is a terrible strategy.

And she warns about the similarity trap. Apps learn your patterns and show you more of the same, usually on shallow things like favorite shows. Some of the best chemistry comes from people different from you. Similarity in how you interact and how you live matters more than whether you like the same TV.

More from The Art of Charm

• 6 essential online dating tips for men
• Online dating message tips
• Online dating photo tips
• Evan Marc Katz on dating well (episode 744)
• Dr. Geoffrey Miller on 5 dating signals (episode 759)
• Easy conversation topics for a first date
• All Art of Charm podcast episodes

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