Gary John Bishop is the author of the New York Times bestseller Unfu*k Yourself and Wise as F*ck. On The Art of Charm podcast he tells Johnny and me why life only changes when you act, not when you feel ready. He covers why “trying” keeps you stuck and why a promise to yourself has to outweigh your mood.
The full 55-minute episode is embedded on this page. Below you’ll find Bishop’s background, the key takeaways, a timestamped chapter list, and how I’d use his ideas this week to talk, ask and show up differently.
Bishop says the way you talk shapes your whole experience. Want to see how your words actually land with people? The Influence Index is a 15-question quiz that scores five skills: Read the signals, Read the room, Choose the moment, Make it clear, and Follow through. Find out what helps you connect, get heard, and win support for your ideas. Find my Influence Index.
How you talk to yourself can mean the difference between success and failure, but what is the “right way” to talk to yourself, how do you avoid negative self-talk, and what can you start doing today to build the future you want and deserve?
Gary John Bishop brings a refreshingly blunt approach to personal development. His philosophy cuts through the feel-good platitudes that dominate the self-help space and delivers hard truths about what it really takes to change your life. This isn’t about positive thinking your way to success. It’s about fundamentally rewiring how you talk to yourself and taking decisive action.
Who is Gary John Bishop?
Gary John Bishop was born and raised in Glasgow, Scotland. According to his site, he spent years as a Senior Program Director at a major personal development organization before going out on his own. His debut book, Unfu*k Yourself, became a New York Times bestseller. His site lists eight books, including Stop Doing That Sh*t, Do the Work, Wise as F*ck, Love Unfu*ked, Grow Up and a new book, Now What? (garyjohnbishop.com). He calls himself an “urban philosopher.”
In the episode he tells us he couldn’t stand self-help. Unleash-your-inner-tiger stuff did nothing for him. He started working on himself about 14 or 15 years before this conversation, became a facilitator delivering transformational programs around the world, and later ran a small private coaching practice. When his marketing person told him to write a book, he looked at the market and found a hodgepodge of psychology, spirituality and voodoo. So he went to the philosophers he loves and asked a practical question: if I just lost my job in Philadelphia, how does Heidegger help me?
If Gary’s point about action over feeling hit home, you might like seeing how we practice it with people over 90 days.
The Gary John Bishop Philosophy: Beyond Positive Thinking
Gary’s approach differs radically from traditional self-help because it rejects the idea that thinking positive thoughts is enough to change your life. Instead, he focuses on what he calls “assertive self-talk” and action-oriented change.
His core premise is simple but powerful: you are responsible for your life, period. No excuses, no victim mentality, no waiting for perfect conditions. This isn’t about blame or shame. It’s about recognizing that you have the power to change your circumstances through deliberate thought and action.
Gary’s Scottish background brings a no-nonsense directness that many people find liberating. He doesn’t sugarcoat hard truths or pretend that change is easy. Instead, he provides practical tools for people who are ready to do the work required for real transformation.
What to Listen For
- What can you do to overcome a victim mentality so it doesn’t set you up for failure moving forward?
- What can we do to overcome the victim mentality many of us feel after during or after a shitstorm like 2020?
- Why is changing our behavior crucial to changing our lives and why is positive thinking not enough?
- Why is it important for your own development to seek out challenges that force you out of your comfort zone?
- What is the difference between assertive self-talk and narrative self-talk, and why should you avoid one because it sets you up for failure?
- Why do words matter when it comes to describing our life experience and how do we choose words that don’t set us up for failure?
- What is wisdom and what can you do to become wise?
- What can you do to not get bitter or salty as you get older?
- What is a shitstorm and how do they help us develop strength and wisdom?
- What great exercise can you start doing today to be more positive about your future?
Key takeaways from the Gary John Bishop podcast
- You have the life you’re willing to put up with. People stay stuck because they’d rather keep the problems they know than risk the ones they don’t.
- Humans are great at overcoming, terrible at letting go. We keep paddling through bad marriages, careers and finances instead of changing course.
- Responsibility isn’t blame. It’s noticing you have a steering wheel. It’s freedom, not a burden.
- Action changes your life. Feelings don’t have to come first. You don’t need to feel positive to do the thing.
- Watch your words. “Trying,” “I’m getting there,” “I’m gonna” and “easier said than done” are little prison bars.
- Wisdom isn’t age or experience. It’s what you’ve wrestled with and actually applied. It clarifies things, and at first it makes a mess.
- Keep your promises to yourself. They have to be bigger than how you feel on any given day.
Episode chapters
- 0:00 Why Bishop can’t stand self-help, and how the book series started
- 1:02 From eye-rolling skeptic to senior program director
- 2:02 Why he wrote a book: philosophy you can actually use
- 4:03 His context: “I want you to win”
- 5:03 Nobody taught you wisdom, and why we’re addicted to certainty
- 7:04 Great at overcoming, terrible at letting go
- 9:06 Getting rocked to your core, and our “B over A” tattoos
- 10:07 Why any great transformation requires pain
- 11:07 The day he realized he was the problem
- 12:10 When your past has no juice left
- 13:10 Responsibility vs. blame
- 14:10 Driving with the rearview mirror
- 17:12 New definitions separate you from the herd
- 18:12 Personal development isn’t a pyramid
- 20:13 Nobody is fully “fixed”
- 22:14 Why it starts with behavior change
- 23:14 Life only changes through action
- 25:14 Three things you get every time you face a fear
- 26:14 Your “Simpsons character” and self-sabotage
- 28:16 Where did you get that number?
- 29:18 Assertive vs. narrative self-talk
- 30:18 The war on words: “trying,” “getting there,” “easier said than done”
- 35:22 Be curious about your language, and the invitation that asks for a no
- 37:24 Assertive language lives in the present
- 39:26 What wisdom actually is
- 41:27 “I’ll never date someone like that again” isn’t wisdom
- 44:30 Staying open to love without getting bitter
- 47:30 You’re built for uncertainty
- 50:33 The challenge: make a bold promise to yourself
- 53:36 Bishop’s X-factor
You have the life you’re willing to put up with
Bishop’s first big point is uncomfortable. People keep lives they don’t like because they’d rather have the problems they know than face ones they don’t. We want things to be different, but we need them to stay stable, and you can’t have a big upheaval in a stable way. He compares it to trying to move house peacefully.
His second point explains why so many guys stay stuck. Humans are amazing at overcoming and terrible at letting go. We get into a mess and keep paddling: the relationship that isn’t working, the career we never wanted, the body we don’t like, the finances that are a disaster.
Johnny and I have “B over A” tattoos for exactly this reason. If you’re stuck and want to get unstuck, you’ll have to do things differently, and it won’t be comfortable. Bishop agrees and goes further: any great transformation requires pain.
For the work and leadership side of taking responsibility, THEOS, the Elite Operators System is an eight-week live installation of eighteen metaskills.
Escaping the Victim Mentality Trap
One of Gary’s most powerful insights is about victim mentality and how it sabotages our potential. He doesn’t dismiss real trauma or hardship. Instead, he focuses on how we can move beyond identifying with our suffering.
Victim mentality isn’t about the terrible things that happen to us. It’s about making those things the central narrative of our identity. When we define ourselves by our wounds, we give away our power to change our circumstances.
Gary explains that events like 2020’s global challenges can either strengthen us or confirm our victim status. The difference lies in how we interpret and respond to these difficulties. Do we see them as proof that life is against us, or as opportunities to develop resilience and wisdom?
The key is recognizing that while you can’t control what happens to you, you can control what you do about it. This shift from victim to victor isn’t about denying pain or pretending everything is fine. It’s about reclaiming your agency to create positive change despite difficult circumstances.
Responsibility is a steering wheel, not a weight
This is the core of the conversation. Bishop tells the story of the day he realized he was the problem in his own life. First came shock and “but what about…?” Then came relief. If he was the problem, he could fix it. You can’t change other people, but you can change yourself.
Most people hear “responsibility” and think blame, which is why they push back. Bishop’s image is better. You’ve been trying to drive by looking in the rearview mirror. It works on the straight parts, then you hit a curve and you’re off the road. Responsibility is noticing there’s a steering wheel and that you get a real say in how this turns out.
He has a practical version. Ask yourself what your most negative state is: anger, depression, whatever it is. When it shows up, can you be responsible for it, and keep acting in line with who you say you are? The responsibility becomes bigger than the feeling.
Here’s what that looks like in a man’s social life:
- She didn’t text back. Instead of “women are flaky,” ask what you can control: how you ended the date, how clear you were, how many other options you’re building.
- You got passed over at work. Instead of “politics,” ask what you didn’t say, ask for, or show.
- You’re lonely. Instead of “nobody reaches out,” ask when you last made a plan.
He also says that when you’re really over your past, it stops being a subject. There’s no charge left in it.
Act first. Feelings can come along later
Bishop gives a quick history. For thousands of years, the focus was on what you do. Over the last century or so the conversation shifted to how you feel, until we started believing we have to feel right before we act. His view: that’s a lie. Life only changes through action. You change your life the minute you get off the sofa and do something different than you did five minutes ago.
He adds that some of the greatest victories of his life came when he was in a negative mindset. He’s not against feelings. He just won’t let them run the show. Start with your vision and your actions, then notice the moods that come up without letting them steer.
In our classrooms we teach a simple version of this. Every time you do something that scares you, you get three things: an experience no one can take from you, a story to tell your friends, and something you didn’t know about yourself. That’s enough reason to walk toward the fear.
Bishop’s “Simpsons character” is the other half. Picture yourself as a cartoon character with a set personality. Your predictable brain patterns exist to keep that character going, which is why you keep solving the same problems. When something new demands you become someone bigger, the character resists and self-sabotage shows up. Bishop says he loves that moment and asks: who would I have to become to handle this?
Why Behavior Change Trumps Positive Thinking
The words we use to describe ourselves and the world around us determine how we live our lives and express ourselves to the people we meet, so the language we use can set us up for success or failure, and beyond that, your language must be backed up by action or all the words in the world won’t save you from disaster. Everyday we wake up, we are hitting the reset button and have the opportunity to take steps toward where we want to be, or take steps away from it by doing the same things we’ve always done.
Gary emphasizes that positive thinking without action is just fantasy. You can visualize success all day long, but without concrete behavior changes, nothing will improve in your life.
The reason most people fail at change isn’t because they don’t want it badly enough. It’s because they focus on thinking differently instead of acting differently. Your brain learns through repetition of behavior, not through repetition of thoughts.
When you consistently take actions aligned with your goals, you literally rewire your brain to support those behaviors. This creates lasting change that doesn’t depend on willpower or motivation. You become the type of person who naturally does the things that create the results you want.
This is why Gary focuses on daily actions rather than big transformative moments. Small, consistent behaviors compound over time to create dramatic life changes. The key is identifying which behaviors move you toward your goals and which move you away from them.
The Power of Seeking Out Challenges
One of Gary’s most counterintuitive teachings is that you should actively seek out challenges that force you out of your comfort zone. Most people try to avoid discomfort, but this keeps them stuck in mediocrity.
Comfort zones are dangerous because they create the illusion of safety while actually making you more vulnerable. When you avoid challenges, you don’t develop the skills and resilience needed to handle bigger problems when they inevitably arise.
Challenging yourself deliberately builds confidence in your ability to handle uncertainty and difficulty. Each time you successfully navigate a challenging situation, you prove to yourself that you’re more capable than you realized.
This doesn’t mean being reckless or taking unnecessary risks. It means gradually expanding your comfort zone by taking on progressively bigger challenges. Start with small discomforts and work your way up to bigger ones.
The goal isn’t to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. The goal is to develop confidence in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you. This confidence becomes a foundation for taking the risks necessary for growth and success.
Fix your language: assertive vs. narrative self-talk
Bishop calls this his war on words. Here are the phrases to kill:
- “I’m trying.” It sounds like effort and keeps you off the hook for results.
- “I’m getting there.” Getting where? Say where you actually are.
- “I’m gonna.” He stopped saying it after noticing that the more he said it, the less he got there.
- “Easier said than done.” Everything is easier said than done. So what?
What I’d add from our side: narrative self-talk is an excuse in disguise. “I’m working on it” tells everyone there’s effort happening even if it never shows up in your behavior. Assertive self-talk lives in the present: I am, I do, I forgive you. Bishop’s example is forgiveness. People say “I don’t feel like I forgive them.” His answer: say the words, and the feeling can catch up.
His best social example is the invitation that asks to be turned down: “You’re probably really busy, and you might not want to, but I’m having a party if you want to come…” What you’re actually saying is “please don’t say no to my face.” Compare that with: “I’m having a party at seven on Saturday. Are you coming?”
That’s the whole game with women, too. “I don’t know if you’d be into this, but maybe sometime we could…” versus “Let’s get a drink Thursday.” Bishop’s advice isn’t to be careful with your words. It’s to be curious about them. Listen to how you talk about yourself and how you ask for things, and cut the escape hatches.
A great conversation, then the follow-up disappears. That usually isn’t bad luck. Phrases like let’s grab coffee or let’s stay in touch are often tests. The Access Test covers 13 of them, at dinners, events, and dates, with a calibrated response for each. It takes 49 minutes. See the 13 tests.
Gary makes a crucial distinction between assertive self-talk and narrative self-talk. Understanding this difference can transform how you approach personal change.
Narrative self-talk is the story you tell yourself about who you are and why things happen to you. This often reinforces limiting beliefs and keeps you stuck in patterns that don’t serve you. Examples include “I’m not good with money,” “I always mess up relationships,” or “I’m just not lucky.”
Assertive self-talk, on the other hand, focuses on action and possibility. Instead of stories about why you can’t change, you use language that moves you toward your goals. Examples include “I am learning to manage money better,” “I am becoming a better partner,” or “I am creating my own opportunities.”
The power of assertive self-talk lies in its present-tense, action-oriented nature. It doesn’t require you to believe you’re already perfect. It simply requires you to commit to the process of improvement.
This isn’t about lying to yourself or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about choosing language that empowers rather than limits you. Your brain believes what you consistently tell it, so why not choose empowering messages?
What it means to be wise
The book we were talking about was Wise as F*ck. Bishop’s definition of wisdom isn’t age or experience. If experience made you wise, you’d have life figured out by 25, since you’ve made most of the big mistakes by then. Yet people keep repeating the same habits. He says wisdom doesn’t necessarily grow with age.
He’s also skeptical of “I’ll never do that again” as a life lesson. His five-year-old does that. If you date someone who hurt you and decide never to date “someone like that” again, you’re letting one person become the template, and the past keeps running your life. His advice: get to know each new person fresh.
To him, wisdom is what you’ve wrestled with, thought about and actually applied. It gives you clarity, and at first it makes a mess, because now you can see the difficult conversations and big choices in front of you. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
The Art of Being Wise: Gary’s Definition of Wisdom
Gary has a unique perspective on wisdom that differs from traditional definitions. For him, wisdom isn’t about accumulating knowledge or having all the answers. It’s about developing the ability to see situations clearly and respond effectively.
Wise people aren’t necessarily the smartest people in the room. They’re the ones who can cut through complexity and focus on what actually matters. They don’t get caught up in drama or distracted by things they can’t control.
Wisdom comes from experience, but more specifically, it comes from learning from experience. Many people go through difficult situations without extracting the lessons. Wise people actively look for what each experience can teach them.
This requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to admit when you’ve made mistakes. You can’t learn from experiences you don’t acknowledge or take responsibility for. Wisdom requires humility.
Gary also emphasizes that wisdom is practical, not theoretical. It’s not about understanding abstract concepts but about knowing how to navigate real-world situations effectively. Wisdom shows up in your decisions and actions, not just in your thoughts.
Stay open to love
We raised the common belief that getting older and wiser means getting bitter. His answer: love isn’t something to chase or find. It’s where you come from, and your job is to find someone to express it with. It’s easy to go sour because disappointment and hurt get confused with love. Hurt should never be confused with love. Disappointment sucks. Love is amazing.
Embracing Shitstorms: How Adversity Creates Strength
Gary’s concept of “shitstorms” is central to his philosophy. These are the inevitable difficult periods that everyone faces. Instead of trying to avoid them, Gary teaches that we should learn to navigate them skillfully.
Shitstorms aren’t punishment or evidence that you’re doing something wrong. They’re part of life, and how you handle them determines whether you emerge stronger or more damaged. The goal isn’t to avoid all problems but to develop the skills to handle them effectively.
Each shitstorm you successfully navigate builds your confidence and resilience. You learn that you can survive difficulties, which makes you less afraid of future challenges. This fearlessness becomes a competitive advantage in life.
The key is maintaining perspective during difficult times. Remember that this too shall pass, and focus on what you can control rather than what you can’t. Use the pressure to clarify your priorities and strip away what doesn’t really matter.
Many people emerge from shitstorms with greater wisdom and stronger relationships. The people who support you during tough times prove their loyalty, while fair-weather friends reveal their true nature. This clarity is valuable, even though it can be painful.
Preventing Bitterness and Salt: Aging with Grace
Gary addresses a common problem: people becoming bitter and cynical as they age. This isn’t inevitable, but it does require conscious effort to prevent.
Bitterness usually comes from unprocessed disappointment and unmet expectations. When you hold onto resentment about how things “should” have gone, you poison your present experience. The antidote is acceptance and focus on what you can still create.
Staying positive as you age requires continuing to grow and challenge yourself. People become stagnant when they stop learning and trying new things. Keep setting goals and pursuing interests, regardless of your age.
It also helps to focus on what you’re grateful for rather than what you’ve lost. Every stage of life has losses and gains. Wisdom lies in appreciating the gifts of each season rather than mourning what’s behind you.
Maintain relationships with younger people who can bring fresh perspectives and energy into your life. Don’t isolate yourself with people who only want to complain about how things used to be better. Stay engaged with the world as it is, not as you wish it were.
You’re built for uncertainty
We recorded this during the pandemic, but his answer works for any rough patch. Bishop says we always live in chaos with an illusion of certainty. The real upset comes from trying to make the new reality match the old one. His message: you’ve always handled uncertainty well. You’re a survival machine. Look at what’s actually in front of you, find the opportunity, and have a little more faith in yourself.
Bishop’s challenge: keep a bold promise to yourself
His challenge is the most useful part of the episode. Make a bold promise to yourself, bigger than what you think you can do. Something like working out every day this week at 6:30 a.m. when you’ve never done it. The job isn’t to stay positive or find willpower. It’s to treat what you promised yourself as bigger than how you feel on any given day.
He says every broken promise to yourself teaches you that you’re someone who says things and doesn’t follow through. Keep the promise anyway, notice all the resistance, and you’ll see your success has only ever been a series of promises you kept.
Socially, this is powerful. Promise yourself you’ll start one conversation with a stranger every day this week. Or make one clear invitation. Or say the honest thing you’ve been sitting on. Then keep the promise no matter how you feel at 6 p.m. on Thursday.
His X-factor fits: “I’m an ordinary man with an extraordinary purpose.”
Gary provides concrete exercises that you can implement immediately to start changing your life. These aren’t complex or time-consuming, but they require consistency to be effective.
Start each morning by stating three assertive statements about who you are becoming. These should be positive, present-tense declarations that align with your goals. For example: “I am becoming more disciplined,” “I am developing courage,” “I am creating abundance.”
Throughout the day, catch yourself when you slip into victim language or narrative self-talk. Don’t judge yourself, just notice and redirect. Replace “I always” and “I never” statements with more empowering language.
End each day by identifying one thing you did that moved you toward your goals and one thing you could do better tomorrow. This builds awareness of which actions serve you and which don’t.
When facing difficult decisions, ask yourself: “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then do that, regardless of how you feel in the moment. Action creates identity, not the other way around.
Set weekly challenges that push you slightly outside your comfort zone. These don’t have to be dramatic, just uncomfortable enough to build your confidence in handling uncertainty.
The Language of Success: Choosing Words That Empower
Gary emphasizes that the specific words you use to describe your experience shape your reality. This isn’t mystical thinking; it’s basic psychology. Your brain responds to the language you feed it.
Instead of saying “I have to,” say “I choose to.” This subtle shift reminds you that most things in life are choices, even when they don’t feel like it. This increases your sense of agency and control.
Replace “I can’t” with “I don’t” when describing behaviors you want to change. “I can’t eat sugar” suggests you’re deprived, while “I don’t eat sugar” suggests you’ve made a powerful choice about who you are.
Use “yet” when describing skills you haven’t developed. “I’m not good at public speaking yet” implies that change is possible and expected. This maintains hope and motivation during the learning process.
Describe problems as “challenges” or “opportunities for growth.” This doesn’t minimize their difficulty but frames them in a way that empowers rather than victimizes you.
Building Your Future Through Present Actions
Gary’s most powerful exercise involves visualizing your future self and then working backward to identify the daily actions that create that outcome. This bridges the gap between dreams and reality.
Spend time each week visualizing yourself five years from now, living the life you want. Be specific about what you see, feel, and experience in this future. Don’t just focus on external achievements but on who you’ve become as a person.
Then ask yourself: What daily habits would that future version of yourself have? What decisions would they make? How would they handle setbacks and challenges? What would they prioritize?
Start implementing those behaviors and decisions today, even in small ways. You don’t have to transform overnight, but you can start making choices aligned with your future self immediately.
Track these behaviors consistently. What gets measured gets improved. Create systems that make it easy to maintain the behaviors that serve your goals and difficult to engage in behaviors that don’t.
Remember that your future is created by your present actions, not your past mistakes. Every day is a reset button where you can choose to move toward or away from the life you want.
More from The Art of Charm
