Dr. Geoffrey Miller is an evolutionary psychologist and the author of The Mating Mind and Mate. In episode 759 of The Art of Charm podcast he explains which signals make men attractive, from intelligence and humor to openness and mental health, and why those count for more than money or height.
The full 44-minute episode is embedded on this page. Below you’ll find Miller’s background, the five signal categories he keeps coming back to, a timestamped chapter list, and what I’d work on first if I were you.
Most dating advice tells you what to say. Very little helps you read the person in front of you. The Dating Influence Index is a 15-question quiz that scores five skills: “Notice the signals”, “Share the conversation”, “Choose the moment”, “Show clear interest” and “Make the next step clear”. It tests your judgment in dating situations, not how you compare with other people. Find my Dating Influence Index.
Who is Dr. Geoffrey Miller?
Geoffrey Miller is an evolutionary psychologist. His site lists his books as The Mating Mind (2000), Mating Intelligence (2007), Spent (2009), Mate (2015, later What Women Want), and Virtue Signaling (2019). He has a B.A. in Biology and Psychology from Columbia University and a Ph.D. in Cognitive Psychology from Stanford. He’s a tenured associate professor at the University of New Mexico with more than 110 academic publications, and he hosts the Mating Grounds podcast (primalpoly.com).
In the episode he talks about teaching undergraduates, including a human sexuality class, and calls himself an introvert who took decades to learn social assertiveness. That’s worth remembering: this isn’t a natural explaining what came easily to him.
Episode chapters
- 0:00 Signaling theory and fitness indicators
- 2:01 The signals that make you attractive
- 3:02 Not tall or athletic? Why you’re not out of luck
- 5:03 Sexual selection and why “useless” skills attract
- 7:05 You don’t need to be a rock star, just impressive enough
- 8:08 Why buying stuff isn’t the answer
- 11:08 General knowledge as an intelligence signal
- 12:08 Dancing: attitude matters more than rhythm
- 14:11 Dating apps: write a profile worth reading
- 16:11 Test-market your profile and your photos
- 18:12 Photos that tell a story
- 19:13 Take a position: disqualifiers that work
- 20:15 Politics, religion and “good” virtue signaling
- 21:16 Test it like an ad agency
- 22:16 Hard things signal resilience
- 24:19 Humor, improv and openness to experience
- 26:22 How to improve: find your one weak spot
- 28:23 Learning humor from stand-up comedy
- 29:24 Intelligence signals beyond a college degree
- 31:26 The tender defender
- 33:29 The 95/5 split
- 34:30 Combat sports, social assertiveness and sexual confidence
- 37:31 Authenticity: be true to your future best self
- 39:31 Raising resilient kids
What a fitness indicator is, in plain English
Miller’s favorite topic is signaling theory: how animals, humans included, send signals that are reliable and worth paying attention to. A fitness indicator is any signal that says “I’m worth investing in,” whether to a mate, a friend or an employer.
The key is that the signal has to be hard to fake. If a guy lifts a heavy weight, you know he’s strong. If he solves a hard problem, you know he’s smart. If he handles stress well, you know he’s mentally healthy. You couldn’t do those things without the real trait.
That’s why a line or a flashy purchase doesn’t carry much weight. Anybody can buy a watch. Not everybody can make a room laugh, tell a good story, or stay calm when things go sideways.
Signals count at work as well as on dates. THEOS, the Elite Operators System is an eight-week live installation of eighteen metaskills for the work and leadership side.
The 5 signals that matter most
These are the five categories that keep coming up through the conversation, the “5 dating signals” in this episode’s title.
1. Intelligence and general knowledge. Miller says a lot of guys stop learning after school. You don’t need to be a walking encyclopedia, but you should know what’s going on in the world. His suggestion is to subscribe to a serious publication and read it for an hour a week. He also points out that the natural way we show intelligence isn’t a degree. It’s conversation: telling interesting stories, having real views, being funny, listening well, and reading people.
2. Creativity: art, music, any skill. This is where my co-host Johnny comes in. He wasn’t making the football team, so he went all in on guitar and skateboarding. Miller’s point is that you don’t have to be a rock star. You just have to be impressive enough. A thousand hours drawing, playing piano or doing improv reveals your ambition, dedication and self-control, and women know those traits carry over to work and family.
3. Humor. Miller says if someone tells you your sense of humor needs work, study stand-up. Pay attention to how long a joke takes, the pacing, the delivery, when the comedian pauses and when they speed up. Then practice on your friends.
4. Moral virtues. Kindness, reliability, caring about something bigger than yourself. Miller calls it the good kind of virtue signaling. If your profile shows you’re committed to a cause, a woman learns you care about something besides yourself.
5. Mental health and openness. Doing hard things that would rattle a neurotic person, such as combat sports, the military, public speaking, improv or live music, signals resilience. Openness to experience (travel, new food, different books and music, people from different backgrounds) tells a woman you’ll keep growing instead of going stale.
Here’s the part guys miss. Miller says women notice when you’re trying, even if you’re not there yet. A young guy with a plan and visible effort lets a woman picture where you’ll be in five, ten or twenty years. You don’t have to arrive first. You have to be visibly on the way.
The skill here is showing visible effort and direction, so a woman can picture where you’re headed. Right now, a plan she can’t see is just a plan in your head. You can practice it with a coach in the X-Factor Accelerator: 90 days of guided practice.
Dance like you’d be fun to be around
This one surprised a lot of listeners. Miller says women read your attitude on the dance floor as a hint about how comfortable you are in your own body. You don’t need rhythm or moves. You need to be comfortable as a person and not take yourself too seriously.
We’ve seen that firsthand. At our LA bootcamps we used to take the guys out dancing on Friday night, and it was never about being a good dancer. The guys willing to be a little ridiculous are the ones who loosened everybody else up and drew people in.
If you never dance, practice in your room for a bit until you’re decent, then go.
A great conversation, then the follow-up disappears. That usually isn’t bad luck. Phrases like let’s grab coffee or let’s stay in touch are often tests. The Access Test covers 13 of them, at dinners, events, and dates, with a calibrated response for each. It takes 49 minutes. See the 13 tests.
Your dating profile is a set of signals
Miller has used several dating apps and says the number one mistake is putting no information in your profile, just a few bad photos. Nobody can evaluate you on almost nothing. He prefers apps with lots of questions and room to write.
His playbook:
- Write about your fitness indicators. What you’re good at, what you’re working on, what you care about. Make it fun and story-driven, not a resume.
- Test-market it. Show it to female friends and ask what works and what doesn’t. Most guys can’t tell whether they come across as arrogant or self-deprecating.
- Effort reads as effort. Women read the effort you put into your profile as a preview of the effort you’ll put into a date.
- Steer away from politics and religion unless they’re truly central to who you are and what you want. Talk about your values instead.
From our side of the mic: invest in photos. On the show we talk about the classic mistake of keeping your photos plain on purpose so you don’t look like you’re trying. The result is flat. Switching to well-shot photos with some care behind them made a dramatic difference. Make sure the photos clearly show you, show you having fun, and let her picture herself there with you. Take a position too. A playful disqualifier gives a woman something to react to, which beats trying to appeal to everyone.
Miller’s bigger point: you can’t figure this out from first principles. An ad agency doesn’t run a campaign because it ticks six boxes. It tests. Same with dating. Try things, ask for feedback, keep a playful attitude, and adjust.
Be a tender defender
This is the concept people remember from Miller’s work. Women want a mix of traits a man can deploy in different situations. Most of the time she wants him tender: warm, caring, attentive, a good partner. When there’s a real threat, physical or social, she wants him to step up and defend.
Miller’s ratio from Mate: be in warm-hearted mode about 95% of the time and defender mode a small percentage of the time. That small percentage is crucial, and women pay close attention to it.
Young guys tend to miss in one of two directions:
- The bad boy overdoes the tough image but isn’t ethical or committed enough to actually show up when it counts.
- The nice guy never stands up for himself, never disagrees with her, and never says no to her or anyone else.
How do you show the defender side? Miller suggests combat sports like MMA or jiu-jitsu, because guys who train carry themselves differently and women notice. And practice social assertiveness: speak up in groups, stand up to people when it matters, and be willing to take a risk. On a date, that might be as simple as confidently making a decision, disagreeing respectfully, or handling a rude stranger calmly.
The authenticity trap
At some point every guy says, “I don’t want to change just so people like me. I want to be authentic.” Miller’s answer is the best I’ve heard. Being authentic to your current, half-baked self doesn’t make sense. The self to be authentic to is your future best self, 10 or 20 years down the road. The reactions of women, friends and family are hints about which direction to grow.
So where do you start? Miller says don’t try to fix your life in some general way. Pick one specific thing. Ask women, or a radically honest friend, what your biggest weak spot is. It’ll sting. Sit with it, then go fix it. If it’s your clothes, learn about clothes. If it’s your humor, study comedy. One weak spot at a time.
More from The Art of Charm
