Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women. In episode 744 of The Art of Charm podcast he explains why chemistry is a poor predictor of a lasting relationship, how men can stand out by slowing down, and how to turn someone down without ghosting.
The full 45-minute episode is embedded on this page. Katz spends his days explaining men to women, so this episode is a rare chance to hear what the women you’re dating are being told, and why. Below you’ll find the takeaways, a timestamped chapter list, and the moves I’d make with them.
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Who is Evan Marc Katz?
Evan Marc Katz calls himself a dating coach for successful women. His site describes him as a four-time author, TEDx speaker and founder of Love U, and says he has offered dating and relationship advice for women since 2003 (evanmarckatz.com).
In the episode he says he didn’t start out coaching women. In 2003 he wrote a book about online dating, just as it was going mainstream. When the book didn’t pay the bills, he started an online dating profile-writing business, which led to online dating coaching and then dating coaching. After about five years he noticed roughly 80% of the people coming to him were women, so he rebranded. He also says he majored in public policy and went on about 300 dates before he met his wife.
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Episode chapters
- 0:00 From online dating author to dating coach for women
- 2:02 How dating apps changed the landscape
- 4:03 Gamification: why everyone feels disposable
- 6:04 Which apps? And why you should make a phone call
- 7:05 The slow-down approach Katz used as a single guy
- 9:08 Men want speed, women want comfort
- 10:08 Low effort, low reward
- 12:11 Chemistry vs. compatibility
- 14:12 The 7 chemistry, 10 compatibility rule
- 17:18 Maximizers vs. satisficers
- 19:20 Should you date a coworker?
- 22:20 Online vs. in real life: why not both?
- 24:20 A full social life makes you a better option
- 27:20 “Everyone I like isn’t interested”: that’s dating
- 28:20 300 dates and why failure is the default
- 29:20 Choose different people instead of changing yourself
- 30:20 Find someone who accepts you
- 31:21 Ghosting, and how to reject someone cleanly
- 34:24 Short-term pessimism, long-term optimism
- 36:25 How to tell if it’s progressing toward love
- 38:25 Two ways people fall for each other
- 39:29 Compatibility isn’t having things in common
- 41:29 Conflict: problem solvers vs. finger pointers
- 43:29 Sunk costs, and why good relationships are easy
- 44:32 Where to find Katz
Why apps make dating feel broken
Katz gave a TEDx talk on this. He still thinks online dating is the best option most people have, because most people don’t get many chances to meet someone organically. But apps took an already shallow medium and made it shallower. No profile, no messages, just “you’re hot, text me.”
He says that’s been good for men in one way, because it leveled the playing field. But it’s all about looks, and once everybody can “do better” on paper, everybody becomes disposable. You end up texting 20 people at once with no investment in any of them.
Remember getting a number at a bar and bragging to your friends? You were all in on that one person. With more volume comes more speed, and with more speed nobody matters. Katz says the women he coaches often feel like a piece of meat: a cute guy texts that he wants to meet tonight, and she’s not ready but doesn’t know how to say so.
Slow down: the approach Katz built for men
This is the gold for guys. Katz says the advice he now gives women started as something he did as a single man. Every other guy was zigging, so he zagged.
The other guys were all saying “you’re hot, let’s meet,” racing out of scarcity and fear to lock in a date before she found someone better. He did the opposite. A couple of messages on the site to build trust. Then off the app (“what’s your regular email? I’ll write to you there”). Then a scheduled phone call, with a plan instead of open-ended texting. After a great call, he’d say “I had a great time, I’ll call later this week,” and she’d wonder why he hadn’t asked her out yet.
His point: it’s no different from meeting someone at a party. Talk for 20 minutes, step outside for a drink, talk for an hour, then get a number. You’ve built trust, so everything after that is easier. The whole process takes about five days. That’s not slow. It’s just different from everyone else.
Here’s how I’d translate that to dating apps today:
- Message with substance. Reference something real in her profile. Give her something to answer.
- Move to a call early. Katz suggests something like: “Driving home tonight at 7:30, give me a call, can’t wait to hear your voice.” A phone call is the closest thing to a date before the date.
- Make a plan, then keep it. “I’ll call you Wednesday” and then call on Wednesday. Reliability stands out because almost nobody bothers.
- Meet in the middle. Katz says men want speed and women want comfort, so find the point where both needs get met. That doesn’t mean a month of background checks. It doesn’t mean showing up at her place with a bottle of wine on day one either.
Effort is the filter, in both directions
Katz has empathy for men who say “I did everything right and still got rejected, so I’m done courting.” But he’s blunt. Trying to get the most reward for the least effort is the opposite of good dating. If you text 20 women and one comes over that night, she’s probably not your future wife. You have to put in more to get more.
He also says that putting in time and making someone feel important lets her relax and be her best self on the date. Most men don’t, so look at what everyone else is doing and do the opposite.
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On our side, we added the bigger picture. Don’t pour everything into fixing your romantic life. Nobody wants to date the guy who sits home on Tinder all day. A full social life, good friendships and real interests make you a better partner and a better option on any app. Katz agreed, and added that his clients often tell him dating coaching changed how they deal with family too. Confidence, healthy boundaries and better communication spill into every relationship you have.
A great conversation, then the follow-up disappears. That usually isn’t bad luck. Phrases like let’s grab coffee or let’s stay in touch are often tests. The Access Test covers 13 of them, at dinners, events, and dates, with a calibrated response for each. It takes 49 minutes. See the 13 tests.
7 chemistry, 10 compatibility
This is Katz’s signature idea. Chemistry is real, but it’s a drug. It’s necessary to start a relationship, and it won’t sustain one for 40 years. He’s not telling anyone to date someone they aren’t attracted to. He’s saying most people anchor to the highest chemistry they ever felt and measure everyone against it, even when that person was a disaster. “I’ve dated a 10 and she was crazy. So maybe you don’t need another one.”
His formula comes from the decision trees he made as a public policy major. Multiply chemistry by compatibility. Most people chase a 10 in chemistry, accept a low score in compatibility, then decide relationships just take work. Turn the chemistry down a notch, see the person more clearly, and you get a smooth ride.
He also brings in The Paradox of Choice, which he says got him married. Apps turn us into “maximizers,” always looking for a 97 when we have a 95, instead of “satisficers” who recognize good when they see it. His example: spend 15 hours researching flights to save $72 and 45 minutes. That’s dating on an endless feed.
So what is compatibility? Katz says it’s not “we’re both Catholic and we both ski.” It’s how well you get along once you strip away the noise. Can you agree 95% of the time, so the other 5% is negotiable? Can you take a ten-hour road trip without wanting to kill each other? When conflict comes, are you problem solvers (“we’ll figure this out”) or finger pointers (“you did this”)?
Rejection is the default, so handle it like a man
Katz hears the same complaint every day: everyone I like isn’t interested, and everyone interested in me, I don’t like. His answer: you’ve just described dating. Every single person on the planet is in that situation.
He went on about 300 dates before he met his wife and calls himself a failure for 35 years, then an overnight success. The key is not to internalize it. And instead of trying to rebuild your personality, choose different people: the ones who get you as you are. He says the reason he married his wife is that she was the only woman who never asked him to change.
On ghosting, Katz has a clear standard:
- Texting someone you’ve never met? You don’t owe them an explanation.
- Been on a date? Send one message the next day. His template: thanks for the date, enjoyed the conversation, didn’t feel the connection to take it further, best of luck. Clean, classy, direct, declarative, non-negotiable.
Guys think rejecting someone is cruel. Katz says it’s kind. You’re not hurting her. You’re saying you don’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, and you’re freeing her to spend her time on someone else. The slow fade only wastes everyone’s time.
Go in with what he calls short-term pessimism and long-term optimism. Most people you go out with won’t be your future partner. That’s not disappointing, it’s predictable, like rush-hour traffic.
How to tell it’s turning into something
Katz says people want to read the last page of the book on the first date. There are two common paths. One is instant chemistry: soulmates after one date, profiles down, all in. If you’re driving 90 miles an hour on the freeway, you’re probably going to miss your exit.
The healthier path plays out over about a month. You see whether things escalate naturally: more calls, more plans, once a week becoming twice a week, an invitation for next weekend. His rule for women is blunt: if you’re still the once-a-week girl at six weeks, he’s not treating you like a girlfriend. For guys, the takeaway is to escalate your investment when you like her. She’s watching for it.
And his last word: good relationships are easy. If it takes constant work and glue to hold together, let it go and find something better. Life is hard enough. Home should be safe, easy and supportive.
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