Talk Like A Pro: How to Talk to a Girl You Just Met

Need something to say to a girl you just met? To talk to a girl you just met, open with light banter, ask her a question about herself, share something real to build rapport, and then say plainly that you like her. Each of those four steps has a job, and the skill is knowing when to move to the next one.

Run the steps in order the first time through, using the example lines below and the cue that tells you it’s time to move on. After that, mix banter, rapport and flirting as the moment calls for. Qualification happens once, and the other steps can repeat.

Step 1: Mastering Banter, the Key to Engaging Conversations with Women

Bantering helps ease the tension that comes along with meeting someone. Remember, she’s nervous, too. Get a girl to smile, relax, and have fun early in the conversation. That will get her interested in you and in carrying the conversation further.

Start right away, whenever you spot her. Begin with some light, playful flirting in the form of banter, and let her see that you’re a fun guy who just might have some interest in her.

Get the Right Mindset

Now, the first step in how to banter with a girl successfully is to get the right mindset. You want to be like a fun, carefree kid who is just looking to have a good time. Getting the girl to smile becomes a side effect of your own playful mood.

Use Role-Play

As for what to say to a girl using banter, the possibilities are endless. You could, for instance, start to banter with a girl through role-play. Pretend that you and she are husband and wife heading toward a divorce (“That’s it, we’re breaking up. I want half my stuff back, thank God for prenups…”).

Role-play works because you’re creating a made-up world where the two of you have a fake history. That lets you have fun, flirty conversations that only a shared made-up history makes possible. You could even take it a step further with a line like “Oh you like Coldplay? That’s it, this isn’t working. I’m filing for a divorce. You can keep the house but I want the boat…”

Keep the tone light and let her play along. If she adds a detail of her own, such as claiming the dog, build on it and keep the fake history growing together.

Flip the Script

Another fun way to banter with a girl is to flip the script. Pretend that she is hitting on you, “Excuse me, my eyes are up here, missy”. Flipping the script shows you are the one worth chasing.

Misread Her on Purpose

This is also called misinterpretation. You playfully misread her words and actions as though she’s hitting on you. Suggesting that she’s shamelessly flirting with you opens the door to fun, suggestive conversation. Because texting makes miscommunication so easy, misinterpretation is a great banter tool when you’re texting a girl too.

Know How Long to Banter

How long should you banter? A line or two is often all it takes to spark that initial attraction, and a few minutes is plenty. Too much banter can make a guy look one-dimensional. Show that there’s more to you than being funny and flirty, or she may get bored and move on. Once she’s smiling and relaxed, that’s your cue for the next step.

Step 2: The Art of Qualification, Making Her Pursue You

Now she is relaxed, comfortable, and interested in you. The next step is to get her to qualify herself. Qualification allows you to signal your interest and make you more attractive to her. A man with standards stands out, and qualifying shows a girl she needs to be more than just a pretty face to hold your attention.

Ask an Open-Ended Question

To get a girl to qualify herself, prompt her with a question that will get her talking about herself. In a pleasant tone ask a question like, what’s your deal? An open-ended question like that is a great question to ask a girl. It allows her to share with you whatever information she feels comfortable sharing.

Try Other Questions for a Girl You Just Met

Looking for other good questions to ask a girl you just met? Try, “So what kind of things do you do for fun?” or, “What adventures have you been up to lately?” If you’re meeting a girl in the daytime or in a low-key environment, simply ask, “So what do you have going on the rest of the day?” It’s a perfectly good question to ask a girl that will get her to open to you.

Whatever she answers, show real curiosity. Her answer gives you something to react to and gives her a chance to show you what she’s about, which is exactly what qualification is for.

Switch Early

As for when to make the switch from banter, sooner is better than later. If you wait until she’s bored with banter, you can miss the chance to move into qualification at all.

Step 3: Deepening Connections, How to Build Rapport with Women

Banter and qualification are great for getting a girl attracted to you initially. But if you want that attraction with a woman to last you need to build rapport. Building rapport with a woman just means creating an emotional connection, and having that emotional connection will make women attracted to you on a deeper level.

Here’s a simple formula that will help you create rapport with a girl you just met and build that deep attraction.

Ask About Her Feelings

First, ask the girl an open-ended question that gets her to share her emotions with you. You could either build off the open-ended question you asked the girl in the qualification stage, or ask a girl a different question. For instance, you could ask “so what is it about this bar that you like?” or “what does this song remind you of?” (assuming there’s a song playing in the background). Listen to her answer (really, listen!) and then share your own perspective and feelings on the subject with her. Accepting her feelings and emotions and then relating them to your own is how you build that deep connection and strong attraction with women.

Lead the Way by Sharing First

Opening up to a stranger can be scary for her. If you ask a girl a personal question out of the blue, she may hold back. So lead the way. Share a bit about yourself first, like what drives you, what’s important in your life, or what your childhood was like. Once you’ve opened up, she’ll feel safe to do the same.

Step 4: Sparking Desire, Techniques for Building Sexual Tension

Read Her Response First

Before anything else here, read her response. Everything in this step works best when she’s clearly comfortable, so watch how she reacts and ease off if she pulls back. Stay in rapport too long, though, and you risk ending up stuck as just friends, which is why this step is where you start ramping up the sexual tension.

Her comfort sets the pace for this whole step. Signs she is enjoying it include leaning toward you, keeping eye contact, laughing and asking you questions back. If you are unsure, pause and check in with a simple, friendly question, and take her answer at face value. Her yes is what lets you continue, and a no or a quiet pullback means you stop and go back to banter or rapport.

Use Touch

The big key to building sexual tension with a woman is to touch her. Start with light, playful taps at the beginning of the interaction, and gradually touch her more and for longer periods of time, as long as she keeps responding warmly. If she leans in or touches you back, that is your green light. If she shifts away, drop it right away.

Say What You Feel

Aside from touch, another important factor in building sexual attraction with women is to be open and honest with your interest in her. Saying exactly what you’re feeling without holding back is a great way to show confidence.

Need to build that sexual tension and show her you’re interested? Verbally express your interest in the woman. If you’re in a sexually charged environment like a club, and she has been laughing and leaning in, you can say, “You’re turning me on right now”. Are you meeting a girl in the daytime, or someplace where the sexual energy is calmer? Try something like “I like you, let’s go get coffee together”, which works well. Say what you feel in your own words, and match it to the setting and to how she is responding.

If all you can think is that you want to kiss her, you can simply say, “I so want to kiss you right now.” What matters is that you state how you feel and let her respond however she chooses. If she blushes and makes it clear she wants to kiss you too, great. If she’s uninterested, move on gracefully. Just by expressing your desire you plant the seed that gets her thinking about you in a sexual way. A little courage and patience here can go a long way down the road.

Text Before the Date

Once you get her number and set a date, use these texting tips to get her in the mood (or amplify her interest in you) before you see her.

Continuing the Conversation: What to Say Next to a Girl

Go through these steps and still find yourself searching for something to say to a girl you just met? Once you’ve been through all four, move between banter, sexual escalation, and rapport building in whatever order suits you. Qualification happens once. That interchange will keep the conversation fun and interesting.

Moving around like this also shows multiple sides of your personality, which gives her more chances to find parts of you she likes. And the ability to move smoothly from one step to another is attractive in itself. If a girl sees that you can build and drop sexual tension at will, she’ll see you as confident and exciting to talk to.

Cues That Tell You It’s Time to Move On

Each step has a signal that says the next one is ready. Watching for these keeps you from rushing and from lingering.

Move From Banter to Qualification When She Smiles and Relaxes

Once she’s smiling and relaxed after a line or two of banter, ask your first question about her. Waiting for a long stretch of banter risks losing her attention.

Move From Qualification to Rapport When She Opens Up

When she answers your question with real information about herself, you have the opening for rapport. Respond to what she said, then share a little about your own world to keep the connection moving in both directions.

Move From Rapport to Tension When She Is Clearly Comfortable

When she has opened up and seems at ease with you, begin the light touch and say what you feel. If she pulls back, ease off and return to banter or rapport until she relaxes again.

Walking Through a Coffee Shop Conversation

Here is how the four steps can sound on a Tuesday morning in a coffee shop. These lines are examples, so swap in your own words and keep the pace relaxed.

Open With a Line of Banter

Say you notice her ordering the same drink you ordered. Smile and say, “Same order as mine? That’s it, we’re basically married. You can keep the house.” One line is plenty, and her smile tells you she’s ready for the next step.

Ask Her a Question About Herself

Follow with, “So what kind of things do you do for fun?” or, “So what do you have going on the rest of the day?” Both suit a daytime setting and give her room to share whatever she likes.

Share Something Real

When she answers, listen, then share your own side. If she mentions a hobby, tell her what drives you about something in your life, then ask, “What does this place remind you of?” Sharing first makes it easy for her to answer honestly.

Say You Like Her

Once she is comfortable, state your interest in plain words: “I like talking to you. Let’s get coffee together again this week.” Let her respond however she chooses, then ask for her number if the moment is right and use the texting tips above before the date.

Does This Change From a Club to a Coffee Shop?

The steps apply in all environments. Whether you’re in a club on a Friday night or a coffee shop on a Tuesday morning, you can go through them in the same order. The only difference is that in the daytime things tend to be more relaxed. Keep the coffee shop energy lower than you would in the club, because the coffee shop is a much calmer environment.

Practice Until It Becomes Natural

The best way to get good at each step, and to gain an intuitive sense of when to move from one to the next, is through practice. Talk and flirt with women on a regular basis, in bars, on the street, at work (cashiers, waitresses, saleswomen), anywhere. By making a conscious effort to practice these techniques, they’ll wind up becoming your natural way of being. If you want more ideas, here are tips and techniques on how to flirt with women.

Stuck in Interview-Mode on First Dates?

If your first date has turned into a loop of questions, and a pause follows a flat answer, the steps above give you somewhere to go next. Banter brings the fun back, rapport brings the depth, and a plain statement of interest brings the spark.

Say she mentions a weekend trip and her voice picks up. Ask what she loved about it, and let her answer lead your next question. Curious how this plays out in real conversations? Take a look at Conversation Radar, The Art of Charm’s set of four short video modules on moving past interview-style first dates. The modules include Rapid Rapport and Magnetic Body Language.