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Jordan says: “When I got accepted to the University of Michigan Law School, my first thought was that someone had made a mistake. Of course they did. How else did someone like me end up with all of these high performers?
“That thought — and the feelings of fraudulence, anxiety and self-doubt that came with it — followed me throughout my first year, and stuck around to some degree through the next two. It resurfaced when I landed a job on Wall Street — another accomplishment I couldn’t really internalize, since I had basically talked my way into the job at the last minute — and the same feeling returned once again when I started The Art of Charm, and began hosting a podcast with no broadcasting experience, and little more than the ability to plug in a microphone.” If you similarly feel like your accomplishments are unearned, you aren’t as good as people think, and you’ll be found out any moment, here’s how to stop feeling like an imposter.
For most of us, approaching a stranger can be a stressful endeavor on a good day. And if we really botch the job, we know full well it can lead to an extended period of awkwardness from which both parties strive to extricate themselves with great haste. This kind of an approach leaves us feeling like a clueless doofus for the rest of the day, with echoes of embarrassment haunting us each time its memory is recalled for years to follow. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
In this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, Johnny, AJ, and Jordan discuss the five fundamentals of a solid approach that will allow you to fearlessly engage — and make a meaningful connection — with anyone. If you’re ready to ditch the fear of meeting new people and stop missing out on the chance to turn everyday strangers into lifelong friends, then listen, learn, and enjoy!
So you came to check out this AoC toolbox episode because you want to make a good first impression on someone. You can be the smoothest speaker in the world, but it’s important to understand this simple fact: any first impression is usually made before verbalization even occurs. Think of an attractive stranger who enters the bar where you and your friends are socializing. She or he doesn’t have to say a word: heads start to turn as soon as that door opens.
It’s not magic. It’s a utilization of these four components of a first impression — and it works for anyone who learns and heeds their unspoken power. Let’s dig in!
Jordan says: “A big part of what we teach here at AoC is storytelling. We’ve told you how to tell a great story. We’ve discussed how to talk about yourself without sounding like an a-hole. I’ve talked about my own story countless times on the podcast, which now has thousands of stories from hundreds of people whose narratives have changed our lives.
“So I’m not hating on storytelling. Not by a long shot. I believe we need stories — meaningful ones, useful ones — more than ever. But after years of interviewing people about their lives, I’ve realized that there’s one story that’s actually pretty dangerous: the Story We Tell About Ourselves to Other People.”
Jordan says: “Words betray needs. Which is really fascinating, if you think about it. Because when it comes to social dynamics, we are what we want. And since most of what we want is facilitated by words, we are what we say. So everything people verbalize is packed with information — sometimes blatantly obvious, sometimes cleverly concealed — about what they really want. Beneath the words, behind their motivation, you can find a treasure trove of data about what people are after.
“Which means that if you can look past the literal meaning of language, and learn to read the matrix of goals that drive the people you interact with, you’ll have a huge advantage in this world. That’s what this toolbox episode is about: How to figure out what people really want — from you, from themselves, and from one another.”
Jordan says: “Outside of law school and Wall Street, which were probably my two most traditional chapters, I usually gravitated to the unexpected and the uncomfortable, whether it was attending high school in East Germany, working for an NGO in Mexico, traveling through North Korea when it first opened up, or building The Art of Charm when the field of social dynamics was still a subcultural backwater for nerds and theorists.
“I can’t say that every single moment of those experiences was a blast. I definitely wouldn’t call them comfortable. If you’ve been following The Art of Charm for a minute, you know that I’ve paid the price in dangerous countries and made my fair share of mistakes along the way. But now that I’m the other side, I can say that those days made me the guy I am today. They weren’t always easy, but they were stimulating, formative, and demanding…”
In the course of building AoC, we ran into all the inevitable drudgery and pain of building something great. Any entrepreneur knows the struggle. Cash flow got tight; insurance went up. Visions evolved; marketing stumbled. Investors went AWOL; downloads fell off.
Over ten years, we grew exponentially, developed an incredible curriculum, and built an unparalleled community of students, but it wasn’t easy. When life gets tough, you realize pretty quickly that resilience ebbs and flows in response to how difficult things happen to be at any given moment. It’s when I realized that the jolt of purpose sometimes masquerades as its more complicated and permanent cousin, grit.
We all have stories. But do you acknowledge yours as a sometimes imperfect journey through the past and present toward a future in which you’re an active participant, or do you let that story unfold, unquantified, in a way that makes you feel ungrounded and aimless?
In this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, Johnny, AJ, and Jordan discuss the importance of narrative building — taking ownership of the past, being mindful of the present, and setting sights on what we hope to accomplish in the future. Listen, learn, and enjoy!
It’s inevitable: everyone falls down from time to time — it’s just that some are better than others at getting up again. The truth is that these people are prepared for life’s challenges well before they transpire because they understand the power of resilience.
In this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, Johnny, AJ, and Jordan explain how resilience helps us recover from life’s little surprises and how we can develop it in order to be fearlessly ready for anything that might be lurking around the corner. Listen, learn, and enjoy!
Have you ever worked hard to get somewhere in life only to feel like you’re not worthy of whatever accolades accompany such an achievement? Are you convinced that it’s just a matter of time before someone discovers your terrible secret and exposes you as the fraud you are?
Back in the ’70s, Clinical psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes coined the term imposter syndrome to describe this phenomenon. Here in the ’10s, The Art of Charm adds this toolbox episode to help listeners cope with the feeling of not being good enough in some area of life. We’ve all been there, and Johnny, AJ, and Jordan are here to tell you it’s all right. Please learn and enjoy!
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that just…stops? It’s awkward for everybody involved. Wouldn’t you like to be the person who can rally against the dreary lulls and keep a conversation going under any circumstance?
In this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, Johnny, AJ, and Jordan show us how to apply AoC skills to the problem so we never run out of things to say — and never have to endure awkward pauses in conversation again. Enjoy!
Do you cringe when someone you’ve just met asks you what you do for a living — either because you don’t know how to explain it in a way that makes sense or, worse, you just don’t think what you do is very exciting?
In this special toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, Johnny Dzubak and AJ Harbinger join Jordan to explain what an elevator pitch is and how you can perfect it to answer that awkward question with confidence — and make the person who asked it glad they made the connection with you. Enjoy this one!
One of the most talked about topics on this podcast is networking and relationship development. It’s kind of the face and the function of the whole show, and it’s what we teach at our live programs at The Art of Charm. It’s number one — with a bullet — the highest-leverage point that any of us have had here at The Art of Charm in business and in our lives. If you’ve been listening to this show for a while, you’ve also heard most of our guests talk about how that’s the same for them from their success, regardless of what industry they’re in. It’s all been about relationships.
So we wanted to bring on both AJ Harbinger and Gavin Masters, an expert here at The Art of Charm who you probably haven’t heard from yet. He writes a lot on the blog, but doesn’t talk a lot on the show. That’s about to change in this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm!
Most of our friends are incidental. We grow up with them; they’re in the cubicle next to us; they’re on a sports team with us; they’re in our class. That’s the usual criteria for the people we spend the most time with: they’re there. But are they high value people or low value people? It might be time for a friend audit and, in some cases, a parting of the ways.
Breaking a connection with an incidental friend who isn’t right for you can feel like you’re doing something wrong, but it’s essential to be selective with the people who influence you most profoundly. In this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm, we talk about screening and qualifying the people you allow into your life.
There are a few topics we’re constantly asked about at The Art of Charm and how to build rapport is one of them. AJ and Johnny, two of our head instructors, join us to share the ins and outs of building rapport.
On this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm you’ll find out the three levels of rapport, how to use each effectively, and how to know if you’re building rapport with the right people.
One of the keys to connecting with anyone is banter. Whether you’re hanging out at your third place or you’re out with your boys and spot a girl you’d like to chat up, banter is the best way to strike up a conversation.
On this toolbox episode of The Art of Charm we’ll talk about the three characteristics you embody through banter, how to keep it playful throughout, and why you don’t have to be funny to be good at banter.
When you think of attraction do you immediately think of sexual attraction or physical attraction? You’re not alone if you do! But that’s just one component, there are three more pieces of the attraction puzzle.
On today’s toolbox episode we talk about why attraction goes beyond the physical, what those four components of attraction are, and how to maximize them.
But why don’t more Americans have this go-to spot — this third place in their neighborhood? On this Toolbox episode of The Art of Charm we’ll talk about why you need a third place, what to look for when choosing one, and how to become a regular after you’ve chosen yours.
One question we get asked frequently is how to make new friends when you move to a new place. This question goes hand in hand with our advice to surround yourself with people you want to be like. And today’s episode gives you practical advice on how to do just that.
Whether you’re moving somewhere new, have already moved, or simply want to expand your social circle, this show will explain the four groups you need to have in your life, how to find those groups, and run people through a “social sales funnel”. Listen in for all of this and more on the 400th episode of The Art of Charm.
Value Revisited (Episodes 103, 104, and 105)
Witnesses to your interactions with others can imagine what it would be like to directly deal with you. If you seem submissive, aggressive, combative, supplicative, confrontational, competitive, assertive, or cooperative, they’ll assume you’re always like that. They’ll assume that’s how you’ll treat them. We want to show everyone their highest-value traits. By choosing to do this, we project that we value ourselves as high-value individuals with confidence, goals, and self-worth. If you ignore it, you may be sending the wrong signals — and some of the distinctions (such as “when do I buy her a drink?”) can be quite subtle.
Caleb Bacon from the Man School podcast is an AoC graduate and one of Jordan’s BFFs (yep, we just said “BFF”). After going on literally hundreds of speed dates, Jordan and Caleb break down a system and explain: why speed dating is amazing for us guys (it’s almost unfair), how to make sure you’re getting tons of matches every time, how to get attention from the cutest girls before the event even starts, the pitfalls to avoid, and tips to make sure you get extra time with the women you select…and more, of course. We also dive into some ridiculous (and funny) speed dating tales for you to laugh at (or with) us. Enjoy!
AJ, Johnny, and Justin from The Art of Charm Crew get together to discuss signs of attraction in the latest addition to The Art of Charm toolbox! Enjoy, and learn: How to recognize the signs that she’s interested in you, how to communicate your interest in her without coming on too strong and making things awkward, how to ramp things up and open the doors to taking things physical, and the logistics of making it happen at the end of the night.
Since the foundation of The Art of Charm, thousands of students have come through our doors, graduated, and left as the type of man they’ve always wanted to be. Unfortunately, thousands more have made an excuse not to take action. Perhaps you’re one of them. In this episode, Jordan Harbinger and Justin Jensen explore (and then debunk) some of the most common excuses that guys have for why they can’t change their lives — from time (“I’m just soooo busy!”) to money (“There’s just no way I can afford it; I’ve got bills to pay!”) to why it couldn’t possibly work for them (“But I’m too short/tall/black/white/asian/disabled”), to the even more ridiculous.
Have a listen. You might hear something that sounds familiar…
AJ Harbinger, Johnny Dzubak, and Justin Jensen of The Art of Charm Crew get together to discuss the dreaded FriendZone: why you’re in it, how to get out of it, how to avoid it in the first place, why it can actually be a good thing, how to turn getting ‘friend-zoned’ into an opportunity (but not the kind you think!), and the mechanics of platonic friendships between men and women.
When it comes to dating and relationships, we’ve spent a lot of our toolbox episodes on getting things started. One phase we haven’t talked too much about is the breakup. AJ Harbinger, Johnny D, and Justin Jensen discuss picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting yourself back out there on the market.
AJ and Johnny interview club builder, production manager, and friend of the show Derek W on the ins and outs of the nightlife industry, such as: different ways of getting into the clubs, making a statement when you do, getting the most out of your evening, plus a few crazy stories thrown in to illustrate how to do things right and what happens when things go wrong.
Now that you’ve met and garnered some interest from the opposite sex, AJ, Johnny, and Justin of The Art of Charm crew go through some tried and tested ideas and tips to help you out on those all-important first dates. This episode keeps it simple so you can enjoy your date rather than sweating it out.
AJ, Johnny, and Justin go through the ins and outs of setting up boundaries, continuing being your charismatic self, and putting together a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. When things go right and you’ve met someone who piques as much interest and curiosity in you as you have in them, relationships bloom.
Daniel, an AoC alumnus, went from homeless to successful entrepreneur and philanthropist. In this episode, we explore how he used his AoC skillset to grow, advance, and overcome — every step of the way.
So you’ve found someone new and you’re love-struck? That’s great! Watch out for these red flags that tend to signal the crazy and high-maintenance (or worse) prospects from a mile away. We’ve identified over 20 of the most surprising warning signs for you to dig through; which red flags do you see in yourself? This is a sobering look at people’s tell-tale signs, as well as your own.
In this long-awaited edition of The Art of Charm Toolbox, AJ and Jordan Harbinger outline some of the basics of solid vocal tonality, including drills and exercises to improve your voice and hone your pitch, cadence, and tone, as well as begin to eliminate filler words and vocal tics. If you’ve ever wanted to feel more confident presenting, speaking to groups, or expressing yourself in simple conversation, this episode is for you.
Breaking up is hard to do. AJ and Jordan Harbinger of The Art of Charm go over some best practices for planning and managing the end of a relationship in this latest installment of The Art of Charm Toolbox.
We thought you’d dig this bonus audio (all right, let’s just call this Episode 253) where Jordan Harbinger of the Art of Charm chats with Gabe Mizrahi of TheLip.tv about social confidence, removing social anxiety, and what we do here at The Art of Charm. Get a peek inside the kimono of how things work at AoC!
In this episode, I talk with Kim Seltzer, a trained therapist, about how to navigate the waters of a long-distance relationship and how to make it work. We talk about the three phases of dating, what factors to evaluate when considering moving in with someone, behaviors that are red flags in you and in the woman you’re dating, why trust is so vital, and how to communicate to keep your connection no matter how far apart you are physically.
There are some keys to standing out among the Tinder crowd and setting yourself apart from the rest of the guys on there. Giving us the details on how to do just that are Justin Jensen of The Art of Charm and Byron, an AoC graduate. We talk about how to best showcase your personality through your photos and also how to establish rapport and connection with the ladies you want to meet. Join us to hear all of this and more on this episode.
On this Toolbox edition of the show we’re talking about how to keep your relationship fresh, whether you’re still in the honeymoon stage and want to continue it or you’ve been married for decades and want to bring back some of the playfulness from your early days. We’ll discuss specific ways to deepen intimacy, freshen up your connection to each other, and generally make your relationship even better. Join us for all of this and so much more on this edition of The Art of Charm.
One of the most frequent questions I get asked comes from single dads; they want to know how to date now that they’re fathers. So here to answer that question and to talk about the differences the live training Art of Charm programs have made in their lives are two single dads, Dave and Tom.