The Three First Date Rules to Follow

Let’s face it: nobody likes getting flaked on, especially when we’re really excited for an upcoming date and she flakes at the last minute. If you’ve experienced this a few times before then it’s time to make some changes to the current game plan.

Before we go into the three first date rules for landing a successful first time out, let’s take a look at a common misconception: that women are flaky. While people in general can be flaky, it’s a cognitive distortion to over generalize about all women. By subscribing to this line of thinking, we also miss the opportunity to take responsibility for our own actions and learn from our interactions. When we take responsibility for our own actions we’re able to see how we engage with her and take note of areas to work on. For example, the area of how we can land more first dates. The truth is women love going on dates, and the reason why they flake is because there isn’t enough of an emotional connection for them to meet up.

You may be surprised to find most women base their attraction on the way they feels about the guy — unlike us who base our attraction largely on physical appearance. She is looking for some investment of time from her male counterparts so she connect and feel good about her decision to move forward with you which is why creative first date ideas are crucial here. So, let’s review three simple rules that will help you connect with her and score more dates, shall we?

First Rule: Quality Numbers Lead to Quality Dates

Have you ever wondered how to ask for a girl’s number?

Well, be sure to connect on light rapport topics like hobbies, music or similar interests before grabbing her number. By spending some time in light rapport you’ll have a better connection with her, have better chances of her texting you back and setting up a date.  

Thankfully, connecting with women isn’t rocket science. If you’ve heard women talk about “chemistry” or a “connection” before what she’s referring to is the emotional commonalities — meaning similar positive interests– she has with him. Similar music tastes, hobbies and fun activities like surfing or hiking are examples of positive interests. People who share a few common positive interests tend bond well — just take a look at your closests friends and you’ll notice a few of them. This helps build trust and she’ll take you more seriously because you’re taking the time to get to know her as a person.

Something to keep in mind: If you rush to grab the number and skip building a connection you’ll miss out on lots of opportunities. She won’t take you seriously, and you’ll expend a lot of time on low quality numbers. For the love of football, don’t skip this part.
A great way to get into light rapport is saying something fun like: “So what do you like to do for fun other than pick up guys like me?” — be sure to smile and deliver this playfully.

Second Rule: Tell Her You Like Her When Grabbing the Phone Number.

Now that you know how to ask for a girl’s number, do you know what to do next?

When grabbing her number make a statement by letting her know you like her and are hanging out later.

It’s important to express your interest by making a statement (a common theme with our first date rules is that you reveal your self-esteem). Here’s what to keep in mind when grabbing numbers: Unconfident guys ask questions. Confident men make statements, examples below:

“Cool! What’s your number?” vs. “Awesome, I like you and it’s cool we have a few things in common. Throw your number in my phone and we’ll hang out next week.”

“When are you free this week?” vs. “Great, I have some time Wednesday night after 8pm. Let’s go to the new place we talked about.”

Making statements like above signals confidence in making decisions, leadership and signals that you’re there to be more than friends. She’ll dig you more as she’s looking for guys to express this interest and make decisions when it comes to dates, activities and planning Netflix nights.

With on online dating, similar rules apply but works slightly different. To make a confident statement through online dating: “Hey you’re pretty awesome and I think I like you already. 😉 Let’s hang out on Wednesday. 123-456-7890.”

By giving her your number you’re signaling that you’re ready to move the interaction forward and take it offline. This also puts you ahead of every guy who asks for her number, thereby, helping you stand out more as a confident guy. That’s the secret of knowing how to ask for a girl’s number: you don’t actually ask.

Third Rule: Call and Pick Date Spots That Work  

Okay, so you’ve got her number, but where are the best places to meet girls?

Calling to set up the date shows confidence. Be sure to pick a spot that is fun and can allow you guys to relax on the first date (this is one of our most important first date rules). Happy hours work wonders for this. 

At this point, you and the lucky lady have both connected on some light rapport and it’s clear you’re both hanging out soon. What I’m about to suggest is a game changer: Call her to set up the date.

Just about every guy texts to set up dates. Texting can hurt because words alone are statistically only 7% of total communication. If you’ve ever sent a message and it got completely misinterpreted then you know what I mean. The remaining part of our communication resides in our non-verbals — including vocal tonality.

This is a big part of why spending 5-10 minutes on a phone call can go a long way. She can hear your voice and get a sense of your personality. Think about it: When you show up for the date she already has an idea of who you are and can connect to even before meeting up. Also, calling these days shows a lot more confidence to women than a text. It’s also more appreciated. Again, helping you stand out from the crowd.

Tip: Cap the call at around 5-10 minutes tops as long conversations are always better in person. Keep it playful with some banter, pick the days and times that work best and leave on a high note(finding the right places to meet girls also requires meeting at the right times).

If she doesn’t answer the call don’t panic. She could be busy, she might not like chatting on the phone or it could be something else. Simply drop a voicemail letting her know the time and place. Follow up with a text if you don’t hear back the following day.

Hopefully, you’ve heard that dinner and movie dates are horrible first dates. If not, I’m very happy to inform you. So, please have this one scratched off the date ideas list. It’s vitally important that dates are fun and relaxed. Not an interview over dinner followed by an hour and a half of not talking.

Most first dates are set up like a job interview — with both parties sitting across the table. Not exactly fun and relaxed because there is too much positive body language which can cause tension. We go into great depth about positive and negative body language on our podcasts, however, this tension is what causes nervousness on both you and her. Besides, this stale approach will make wonder if you didn’t have any creative first date ideas!

The best places to meet girls won’t break the bank and will be fun and relaxed. A solid choice is at the bar top during happy hour. To help break general jitters of a first date is to sit next to each other as if you’re meeting an old friend who you haven’t seen in a long time. This way you guys are not only seated closer to each other, but also sitting at a bar top which provides natural neutral body language. Thus, easing tension and allowing you two to bond better.

Using these three simple rules will change your success rate with first dates dramatically. It will help you filter in the right girls, allow both of you to connect more and have a much better shot at setting up second dates. Remember, if she’s agreed to go on the date she’s interested! This means she’s already considering you an option. Lastly, if the date is going well, casually suggest second date ideas to help increase your chances of seeing her again. Plus, if you had creative first date ideas, she is exponentially more likely to see what you have in store for her next.

AJ Harbinger - author of 1048 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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