How to Build Rapport — And Why It Matters

How to Build RapportYou want to impress a woman when you’re out at the bar. You also want to start laying the groundwork of a real emotional connection. That’s how she’s going to remember you the morning after. In The Art of Charm, we call this “building rapport.” How to build rapport? Why does it matter? If you find yourself able to make women laugh, but unable to seal the deal by getting her number or a date, read on. This article is going to change your social life.

How to Build Rapport

Rapport is what happens after you start really getting to know each other. It doesn’t have to be super heavy. In fact, it can be quite light. It’s the type of “getting to know you” conversation that most men start with. You want to do this after you’ve made her laugh a little bit and lightened her mood. It’s great, because it allows you two to connect emotionally over shared experiences and common interests; It also expresses interest in her beyond merely what she looks like. Good rapport often makes the difference between leaving with her number (or her, for that matter) and leaving the bar frustrated.

Building Rapport Step 1: Open-Ended Questions

The cornerstone of how to build rapport begins with open-ended questions. You want to engage her with your questions. You do this by asking what she likes about where she works, not where she works. You do this by asking her to tell you about where she grew up, not where she grew up. In general, a question that has her talking for longer is better than a question that doesn’t. Get her talking about herself and you have the opportunity to begin making real connections.

Building Rapport Step 2: Active Listening

To make the type of connection that you really want, you need to listen actively. Above all, this means not waiting for your turn to talk, but really putting energy into listening to what she has to say. You should also maintain good eye contact, nod while she’s talking and periodically say things like “yeah” and “uh-huh.” It sounds elementary, but these little things are outward visual cues that you are listening to what she has to say.

How to Build Rapport Step 3: Connecting Emotionally

Here’s perhaps the most important advice you’re going to get in this article. It’s not enough to get her talking and to let her know that you’re listening. You also have to create a connection. You do this by digging out the emotional core of what she just said (for example, she likes what she does, but it’s really hard and she finds X rewarding about it or she didn’t really like where she grew up and she’s glad to be living where she does now) and relate to it in your own way (you hate your job, but it pays well and you’d take a pay cut for more fulfilling work or you grew up where you live now and never want to leave). This is how you show yourself to be a man who “gets” her and believe you me, there’s nothing more valuable than that.

When you start talking about shared experiences and common interests, that’s when you’re really going to start connecting. In fact, we at The Art of Charm advice men do not enter into rapport unless they really want to create a connection — it’s that powerful. If you want to learn more about how powerful rapport is and how you can make it work for you, sign up for The Art of Charm Academy. It costs less than a dollar and you can really level up your game tonight by killing it at building rapport.

AJ Harbinger - author of 1049 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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