When to Flirt with Women and When to Talk to Them

Guys often don’t know when they should flirt with women and when they should be more serious.  This is especially true when it comes to a woman they’ve just met.  What guys want is a map that tells them when to flirt with women and when to be more serious.  Well, the Art of Charm has created that map (you can view it here).  Here’s a brief rundown of how to use it.

Phase 1: Attraction
There’s no need to wait for the perfect moment to flirt with women.  Just start.  Begin your conversations with some light, playful flirting in the form of banter.  Let her see that you’re a fun guy who just might have some interest in her.

As for how to do this there are a few banter techniques you can use.  One option is to jump straight into some role play.  Pretend as though you are a husband and wife headed towards a divorce (“Oh you like Coldplay?  That’ it, this isn’t working.  I’m filing for a divorce.  You can keep the house but I want the boat…”).  Creating a made-up world where the two of you have a fake history allows you to have fun, flirty conversations that you wouldn’t have otherwise.

Another flirting technique you can use right away is misinterpretation.  Basically you want to misinterpret her words and actions to assume that the girl is hitting on you.  Flipping the script and playfully suggesting that she’s shamelessly flirting with you opens the door to have fun, sexually suggestive conversations.

Phase 2: Qualification
As great as banter is for starting a conversation and flirting with women, too much banter can make a guy look one-dimensional.  You’ve got to show that there’s more to you than just being funny and flirty.  Otherwise she’ll get bored and move on.  So after banter you want to switch into the qualification phase.

Qualification is where you get the girl to prove that she’s got more going for her than just her looks.  Asking her a question like “So what do you do for fun?” gives her a chance to open up and lets you get to know her on a more personal level.

As for when to make this switch, the general rule is that it’s better to switch out of banter sooner rather than later.  If you wait too long and she gets bored with banter, you may not get the opportunity to switch to qualification.  You can banter for a few minutes if you want, but a line or two is often all it takes to spark that initial attraction.

Phase 3: Rapport
Qualification opens the door for rapport, which is necessary when you want to build a lasting connection.  This stage is all about opening up and sharing who you are (what drives you, what’s important in your life, what your childhood was like, etc.) with the girl.  It gives you the chance to connect at a deeper emotional level.

Opening up and sharing your emotional world with a stranger can be scary.  So if you ask a girl a personal question out of the blue, she may not want to respond.  What you want to do is to lead the way.  Share a bit about yourself before you ask her to open up.  After you’ve opened up she’ll feel safe to do the same.

Phase 4: Seduction
Stay in rapport too long, and you risk winding up in the “friend-zone”.  To make sure that doesn’t happen you’ll want to start ramping up the sexual tension.

One way to switch the conversation out of rapport and into something more sexual is to simply state however it is your feeling.  For example if all you can think is that you want to kiss her, just come out and say “I so want to kiss you right now”.

The important thing here is to state how you feel and let her respond however she chooses.  If she blushes and makes it clear she wants to kiss you too, great.  If she’s not interested, that’s great too.  Just by expressing your desire you plant the seed that’s going to get her thinking about you in a sexual way.  A little courage and patience here can pay off huge down the road.

Phase 5: Blending the phases
After you’ve hit all four phases you can continue to jump around between banter, rapport, and seduction.   Jumping around like this keeps the conversation fun and interesting.  It shows multiple sides of your personality which means there’s more opportunity for her to find parts of you she likes.

The ability to move seamlessly from one phase to another is also attractive in itself.  If a girl sees you have the power to build and drop sexual tension at will, she’ll see you as wildly confident and exciting to talk to.

When to use this cycle
The conversation map described in this article applies equally in all environments.  Whether you’re in a club on a Friday night or a coffee shop Tuesday morning you can go through all these phases in the same order.  The only difference is that in the daytime things tend to be more relaxed.  You don’t have to be as high energy at the coffee shop as you would be in the club because the coffee shop is a much calmer environment.

Master the cycle
Like all things the best way to get good at each phase of this conversation cycle – and to gain an intuitive sense of when to switch from one phase to the next – is through practice.  Go out there and flirt with women on a regular basis.  Flirt with women in bars, on the street, at work (cashiers, waitresses, saleswomen) – anywhere.  By making a conscious effort to practice these techniques they’re going to wind up becoming your natural way of being.

The answers to all your questions
Have any questions about the interaction phases?  Want more tips and techniques on how to flirt with women but are unsure of where to find them?  The support agents on the bottom right of your screen will be happy to help.  They can answer any questions you may have and give you the resources you need to take your flirting skills to the next level.

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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in Art of Dating, Flirting And Attraction

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