Dating A Girl Who’s Getting Over A Breakup

Dating A Girl Who’s Getting Over A BreakupDating a girl who’s getting over a breakup can come with its own special challenge.  But knowing what to expect and how to handle what’s coming can make that challenge disappear. Below is an explanation of the obstacles you may face when dating a girl who’s getting over a breakup, along with insights into how to overcome it.

The Challenge

After a breakup a girl may not only find herself saddened by the loss of her boyfriend– she may begin to feel as if her whole world has just been shattered.  See, people can become so emotionally invested in a relationship that the relationship actually becomes a part of that person’s identity.  After spending so much time with a guy, relying on him, and making life decisions with him in mind – the idea of seeing herself as completely independent rather than as part of a couple can be a tough concept to grasp.  It can make her feel lost, alone, and searching to find herself.

The challenge then goes beyond dealing with a girl who is saddened by the ending of a relationship.  This can be a transitional period for her where she finds all sorts of questions and emotions running through her head.  She’s trying to figure out who she is, what she wants, and how she can fill this void in her life.

Overcoming the Challenge

Step 1: The Power of Patience

A relationship that takes such an emotional toll can have an effect on how a girl enters the dating world.  For instance some girls in this situation will be reluctant to get emotionally invested in another guy.  They’ll want to take things very slowly.

Other times a girl may not even know what she wants.  One day she may feel she’s ready to date – the next day she’s not.  She may end up sending a bunch of mixed signals that make things very difficult and confusing for the guy interested in dating her.

In either case these behaviors cause lots of guys to give up.  Sometimes a guy will take this kind of behavior personally (he’ll think she’s taking things slow because she’s just not that interested in him when really it has nothing to do with him at all).  Other guys will simply get annoyed, frustrated, and give up.  They may even cut all connections with this girl, seeing the situation as a lost cause.

But it’s not a lost cause.  Not for the guy who is patient and recognizes the struggle she’s going through.  If you can stay cool, gives her space, and show you understands it will take her time to figure out what she wants – then you’re never out of the mix.  Eventually she’s going to be ready to start dating, and if you’re patient, you can be there when that moment comes.

Step 2: Help Her Rebuild                             

Being patient and waiting for her to figure out what she wants doesn’t mean there’s isn’t anything you can do to speed this process along.  You can get her to move on from that old relationship and into a place where she’s happy to shift her focus to you.  You can do this by helping her cut ties from her past, and think more about the present and future.

In order to do this, understand that a girl who is getting over a breakup is going to have strong emotional ties to certain activities and environments.  If she went hiking with her boyfriend every Sunday morning, or went to a certain bar for Trivia every Tuesday night, then these things are going to be strong emotional reminders of her old relationship.  When Sunday morning rolls around and there’s no boyfriend to hike with, she’s going to get bummed.  And merely driving past that old trivia bar will get her thinking about that old boyfriend and the fun they used to have.  The more she’s reminded of her old relationship, the harder it’s going to be for her to move on.

This is very important to keep in mind when dating a girl who’s getting over a breakup.  You won’t want to take her to the same places and do all the same things she did with her old boyfriend.  By doing so you’re not only competing with the memory of that other guy, you’re also bringing her into an environment where she’s going to be reminded of that relationship and what she’s lost.  Instead of enabling her to dwell in the past, you want to help her move on to a bright future.

So use your dates to take her to places and go on actives she’s never done before (and maybe has always wanted to try).  Show her what else is out there and what she’s been missing all this time.  Shake up her old habits, routines, and environments and help her create a new, awesome life that’s even better than the one she had before.

Step 3: Let Your Intention Be Known

Being there to support her and help her build a new life will help her turn that corner, but be careful.  You don’t want to fall into the “friend” or “therapist” role.  Once you’re in a role like that, it’s hard to get out of it.

You want to make sure that she is aware of your romantic intentions (that you want things to go further than just a fun dinner at a new restaurant).  As always, being the guy means you’ve got to lead and look to take things to the next level – don’t wait for her to do it.  Let her know you’re interested and if she goes for it, great.  If not, don’t worry.  She may not be ready to take things to the next level today, but tomorrow may be different.  Just stay patient, be respectful, and persist.  Continue to show her the awesomeness that goes along with hanging out with you and when she’s ready, she’ll come around.

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.


in Approaching A Woman, Art of Dating

7 Comments on “Dating A Girl Who’s Getting Over A Breakup”

  1. My gf just broke up with me saying that she can’t continue with me after 8 months as she tried to forget her ex and she couldn’t! Fact is I love her and she doesn’t but her previous behaviours showed she loved me! I need your advice.Thanks.But she is going through a mental trauma right now.

  2. Whoever wrote this, thank you. Literally applied straight to my life rn and gave me the courage to keep going. Preciate it!

  3. There’s this one girl who I’ve been talking too for a few weeks already and she’s going through a hard breakup and I just need some advice plz!!! Because I feel I’m not getting nowhere

  4. Honestly I believe this is terrible advice. One should not date somebody who is still getting over someone else. You cannot expect to help them in changing and moving on so that she can be invested in you, this can only make things go south for both people. You can be there to support them, but not dating them and expecting things to evolve naturally.

  5. I broke up with my bf recently, not bc I dont love him anymore, but bc he saidd he loved someone else… It’s been 3 months now and I’m still extremely sad. I even still cry. (keep in mind im stil in school) I have classes with him and i dont realize i stare at him until he stares back. idk what to do. Maybe I should ask if he wants to be friends? But then id be scared of it turning into more than friendship. This is also not the first time this has happened. It happened between him and his ex gf and me. He couldnt decide so i decided for him. But then we got back together after a while and were happy couple until this a$$hole from Florida shows up and is like “Hey ur cute wanna be my bf?” and he said [email protected] Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! like wtf??!! And before he said yes, he didnt even tell me. I just found out! I should be mad at him… but maybe it’s bc my heart is still tender and shooken. idk. i just want advice. Im the type of person that goes for rebound bf’s and i hate that i do it… but idk. Should I get a rebound? Or is it too early after the breakup??

    1. To daeton,

      A year later but take it how you want.

      Would you like somebody to use you as a rebound? Think about others before you decide toa ffect their lives to make yourseld feel better.

      It seems that you invest too much in relation ships and got nothing going on for you. Take up hobbies, become a better person and focus on yourself. When the time is right you ‘ll be with the right person. Be patient.

  6. I found a guy and he showed his interest in me, so we started to hook up wen I tried to ask him about the past relationship he told me they had just broke up in a month but they have two kids I don’t know wat to do coz I know these guys may get back together…… Shud I push on or chill it coz am really scared and the guy tells that he will neva get back to her that she was fuckin cheat I don’t no now….

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