Kimberly Seltzer (@SeltzerKimberly) is a dating and makeover expert who draws upon her experience as a therapist for an inside-out approach to helping people look and feel their best. We welcome her back to the show to share the top five mistakes women make when trying to attract a man.
The Cheat Sheet:
- Is it really true that “there are no good men out there?”
- Do you feel like the one who never gets approached or, if you do the approaching, you never get the response you’re looking for?
- Body language, first impressions, messaging, social confidence, and your image play a huge role in how you come across to potential romantic partners.
- With which of the five archetypes of women do you most strongly identify — and which mistakes are you most prone to make when trying to attract a man?
- What’s the secret weapon that will help you overcome the mistakes commonly made by your prevailing archetype?
- And so much more…
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The Art of Charm began exclusively to help men excel at business, love, and life. Then we discovered an increasing audience of women who would tune in to the podcast and tell us how helpful we’ve been for them, commonly requesting that we might consider tailoring some episodes toward their needs.
In an effort to provide more balance to the show — and perhaps give our male audience the benefit of a woman’s perspective on this particular subject for a change — we’ve invited therapist and makeover expert Kimberly Seltzer back to talk about the top five mistakes women make when trying to attract a man. She’ll also tell us about her How to Create Attraction Package, which is geared for women and men.
More About This Show
“Dating is tough these days,” says therapist and dating expert Kimberly Seltzer. “Never before in history have there been so many people — especially over the age of 40 — dating. So we’re all kind of floundering.” And for the generation of millennials new to the world of romance, she says going on a date is more like hanging out than a special occasion. There are bound to be challenges for all involved when it’s hard to even agree on what constitutes a “date” these days.
As a therapist, Kimberly sees what women face on the front lines when it comes to attraction and using their feminine power. Because she coaches live in the field, she knows what works and what doesn’t. “I hear women complain all the time, ‘Why don’t guys ever approach me?’ or ‘I’ve done all of this work on myself in therapy and men still don’t respond,’ says Kimberly. “Body language, first impressions, messaging, social confidence, and your image play a huge role in how you are coming across. This is a common scenario that I hear my clients complain about and then go on to hypothesize that there are no decent men out there. The fact of the matter is each sex has a responsibility when it comes to approachability and attraction.”
To help women better understand how to interact with others in this uncertain dating environment, it helps to know these five archetypes of women, which resonates most strongly with the individual (keeping in mind that almost nobody fits 100% neatly into just one), and how to identify corresponding archetypes for others.
The Five Archetypes of Women
The Chief
There is a tendency here to exude some masculine energy and you may have a difficult time relinquishing control. You might be perceived as a little rough around the edges, initiate too much, and pay little attention to the softer feminine side of your image. Men often get the feeling you are running a board meeting and that you’ve got it, so there is very little room for a man to take care of you.
Typical Characteristics
- You sniff too early for reassurance that your growing intimate feelings are mutual or that a guy wants a relationship so you can control the situation.
- There is a tendency to argue or debate with men to prove that you are smart.
- You are very competitive.
- Most of your dating clothes consist of business suits, blazers, pants, and other garments you wear at work.
- Your body language and mannerisms are harsh, quick, tense, and fast-paced.
- You like to know way ahead of time where and when the date will take place. You may even plan where to meet him.
The Chief’s Secret Weapon
The key here is to get out of your head and be more in your body, let loose, and embrace your femininity. Allow a man to take care of you and do things for you.
Get a new wardrobe filled with dresses, skirts, lingerie and heels. With your new clothes, do cat walks in your high heels, flirt, smile, giggle, and be more spontaneous.
The List Lady
There is a Bugs Bunny list that scrolls out 10 feet long of all the qualities a suitable man must be. You are constantly checking off the list and in the end decide that no one can ever really fulfill your requirements, so therefore you hypothesize there are no good men out there. Because there is too much focus and emphasis on completing the checklist during a date, it becomes a Q&A interview rather than just being in the moment and having fun getting to know the person.
Typical Characteristics
- You conduct a date like an interview process rather than having fun and being light.
- There is a sense of urgency or desperation to find the right one — perhaps due to a current desire such as wanting kids or healing from a previous relationship.
- You are very target-specific in a social setting with whom you will talk and flirt. You will only show interest and pay attention to guys who have potential or you are attracted to.
- You say to your friends often, “there are no good men out there.” Or “these aren’t the kind of men I would date.”
- You will only dress in a sexy way for men who you are interested in.
- You expect a man to come up to you, and you feel you have no role in that.
The List Lady’s Secret Weapon
What is most important for you is to let go of the list, be in the moment, and use social situations to create opportunity no matter what the outcome may be.
Avoid asking a million questions of the man on a date and share personal stories instead. This allows a man to really see you, creates connection, and elicits more exciting conversation between the two of you. Letting a man know who you are and showing emotions and vulnerabilities will help you connect with him faster. The more you connect on an emotional level, the more someone will want to know you more.
The Nice Girl, But…
You are a great woman and you’re really nice, but…too nice! Men tend to put you in the friend zone due to bland or male-dominated conversations, your feelings of insecurity or low confidence, or lack of sex attraction.
Typical Characteristics
- You feel “funny” or embarrassed about flirting and turning up the sexual energy around men.
- Men usually want to be your friend and talk about other women with you.
- You tend to give men “high fives,” talk about sports, and discuss what is happening in the stock market.
- You are more comfortable dressing casually. A typical outfit might be loose jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt.
- You don’t see the point to “dressing up” for a date by wearing something you normally don’t put on such as a dress or heels. In fact, a common thought for you is, “If a man doesn’t like the way I look, then he’s not for me.”
- You rarely get to that second date.
The Nice Girl, But…’s Secret Weapon
You need to ramp up the sex appeal big time. Really pay attention to the sexual signals — or lack thereof — you are giving to the men. Flirting doesn’t mean you have to be Marilyn Monroe. Tease, be lighthearted, use your sense of humor, and share emotions — which is more about who you are.
Learn the mastery of flirting with your body and messages you give to men. Get sexy! Avoid getting placed in the friend zone by mastering the art of sexy conversation. Friends talk about the weather, sports, and politics, so steer clear of those topics. Instead, share things about yourself that reveal more of who you are as a woman. Also, don’t reveal your whole life story with a guy you’re interested in. Always leave him wanting more. Build mystery and excitement.
The Dame
You are a strong female knight wearing armor so thick that a man can’t even make a dent. You tend to have little to no body signals that you are available or open to talking to a man. Usually you enter into room with tunnel vision and have no awareness that men are interested you.
Typical Characteristics
- You tend to look at and talk to just your girlfriends in a public place or social setting.
- You would never make direct eye contact or smile at a man when out and about.
- There is stiffness to your body language, which tends to be closed off and reserved.
- You often look down and walk fast.
- If given a choice of sitting at the bar or a small table in the corner of a restaurant, you pick the small table.
- You have the belief that it’s not polite to talk with someone unless they initiate conversation. You feel that most people are busy and don’t want to be bothered.
The Dame’s Secret Weapon
It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and slow down! It’s time to take off the armor you have been wearing and allow the attention and energy of others into your world.
You need to turn your cab light on and start sending smoke signals to men that you are available and open to talking. Smile, laugh, and make eye contact with men every time you walk into a room. It’s time to take off the blinders and take notice of who is looking at you.
The Narcissist Magnet
People often tell you that you are amazing, beautiful, and seem to have everything going for you. Your greatest talent is being a caregiver and an excellent listener. The tendency here is to put others’ needs before yours and consequently don’t demand self-respect. In fact, you mostly bend over backwards for the guy, accommodate his wishes and desires, and offer advice. Narcissists prey on women like you because you make them feel amazing and fill their ego. If this sounds like you, be sure to check out the entire show we devoted to this archetype: How to Set Boundaries (Episode 499).
Typical Characteristics
- You tend to put others’ needs before yours.
- It makes you frustrated and angry that you do a lot for other people but usually get nothing in return.
- You have difficulties setting boundaries. Even though you may be busy, you’ll drop what you are doing to accommodate someone else in need.
- You tend to give away your personal value by doing too much too soon, too fast.
- You usually offer advice and are supportive when talking to a man. You tend to come across as the therapist or mother in your interactions with men.
- Others see you as being really together and the type of person who can do it all.
The Narcissist Magnet’s Secret Weapon
Allow someone to take care of you for a change and accept being able to receive. You are a caretaker through and through, but be careful about putting others before you (which builds resentment and attracts the narcissist). Instead, let your guard down a little and show all that you are.
Look for reciprocity in your interactions with men. Narcissists are really good at being charming and telling stories and sharing what is great about them. When meeting your dates, observe if they are just as interested in you and your stories. Is there reciprocity in the conversation or is it just one-sided? What are you doing to reinforce that dynamic? Be careful not to just sit and listen to it all. Instead, try talking about your interests, express your feelings, and see if they listen or care.
Ever wonder how you come across on a date? Do you want to learn the secrets to creating attraction? Here is your chance to get an honest feedback and teachings from an expert. During this laser 30-minute session, you’ll get a taste of how to be the best “you” when it comes to dating, mating, and connecting with the opposite sex. Kimberly will assess your dating image, body language, dating skills, and flirting techniques and answer the real questions around how the opposite sex sees you. Whatever your challenges, Kimberly will devise a plan to teach you the skills needed to keep the opposite sex infatuated and attracted to you. Among the many lessons you’ll learn:
- The Impression Connection and how to stand out as special, desirable, and available.
- The three “F” factors and how to use them to create real magnetism and attraction.
- How to walk into any environment and feel amazing and at ease (and stay that way).
- How to communicate with an impression of desirability.
THANKS, KIMBERLY SELTZER!
Resources from this episode:
- Kimberly’s How to Create Attraction Package
- Kimberly Seltzer | How to Set Boundaries (Episode 499)
- Kimberly Seltzer | Flirting for Women (Episode 497)
- Kimberly Seltzer | How to Find a Therapist (Bonus)
- Kimberly Seltzer’s website
- Kimberly Seltzer at Facebook
- The Great Love Debate
- Kimberly Seltzer at Twitte
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