Kimberly Seltzer | Flirting for Women (Episode 497)

Kimberly Seltzer (@SeltzerKimberly) is a dating and makeover expert who draws upon her experience as a therapist for an inside-out approach to helping people look and feel their best. We welcome her back to the show to give us a woman’s perspective on flirting.

The Cheat Sheet:

  • What is the definition of flirting — and how does it differ between women and men?
  • Learn the top five excuses why women don’t flirt or use femininity in dating and in the work force.
  • Discover three practical ways to flirt that will attract what you want.
  • Use Kimberly’s magic formula for attraction (The Three Fs: have Fun, pay attention to Fashion, and tap into your Flirty femininity).
  • Tune in to Kimberly’s Dating GPS.
  • And so much more…


The Art of Charm began exclusively to help men excel at business, love, and life. Then we discovered an increasing audience of women who would tune in to the podcast and tell us how helpful we’ve been for them, commonly requesting that we might consider tailoring some episodes toward their needs.

In an effort to provide more balance to the show — and perhaps give our male audience the benefit of a woman’s perspective on this particular subject for a change — we’ve invited therapist and makeover expert Kimberly Seltzer back to talk about flirting for women. She’ll also tell us about her How to Create Attraction Package, which is geared for women and men.

Take the Art of Charm Challenge by clicking here, or text AOC to 38470. We’ll take you step by step to becoming better at making personal and professional connections, becoming a better networker, increasing your personal social capital and charisma. This is for both men and women!

Whether you’re a lady or a gent, you don’t need to know what MicroModal fabric is to enjoy the comfort of MeUndies; you just need to wear them — support this show (and yourself) with MeUndies here for 20% off!

Learn over 500 subjects (no tests or homework!) at The Great Courses Plus — The Art of Charm listeners get one month free here!

Hate grocery shopping but you love to cook? Blue Apron delivers recipes and farm fresh ingredients to you. As an Art of Charm listener, you get your first two meals free here!

Does your business have an Internet presence? Save 30% on new webhosting packages here with HostGator by using coupon code CHARM!

(Direct Download Episode Here)

More About This Show

Kimberly Seltzer is a makeover and confidence expert, therapist, and dating coach based in Los Angeles, and she works extensively here with us at The Art of Charm. She’s the co-host and lead love expert of traveling dating show The Great Love Debate, and she’ll soon be co-hosting a radio show called Full Disclosure with Jordan.

Since Jordan has never been a woman (as far as we know), we thought having Kimberly on hand to give us a woman’s point of view on flirting would be helpful for our female audience and eye-opening for our male audience — there should be something here for everyone.

There’s a long-standing perception on the dating circuit that men are supposed to make the first move in a romantic encounter, and women are meant to passively wait for the approach. And while there’s no real reason a woman so inclined can’t make the first move, some men may be turned off by such a role-reversal or — even in best-case scenarios — uncertain how to react.

“In the old days, the woman used to drop the hanky,” says Kimberly. “I always tell women that is kind of a sense that you should always have — giving men signals to come over. And I find that most of the time, men are just scared. They’re scared of rejection. They’re looking for some sort of smoke signal to come over and talk to you. And women have no idea how closed off they are with their body language and their messaging, the way they hang out with girls in a group and close off any kind of opportunity for men to approach. I think, overall, the roles are kind of merging where men are becoming more like women and women are becoming more like men, and so now we’re at a standoff.

“But at the end of the day, men still want women to be women, and women still want men to be men and approach. So that’s what I teach women: instead of taking the hanky, crumpling it up, and throwing it at them — that’s the aggression — it’s just dropping the hanky and giving a signal so that actually people are meeting each other.”

Like networking, the concept of flirting scares a lot of people. We all have our own preconception of what it means, but Kimberly lays out the dictionary definition of flirting for us: “to behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions of an outcome.”

“If we all thought of flirting as just a playful gesture…without a serious intention of an outcome, it’s so much easier,” says Kimberly. “For me, it’s creating a magnetic energy. It’s getting people to just want to come talk to you…stop targeting a man to flirt with necessarily, but just with life create this energy where people want to get to know you.”

When Kimberly takes women into the field to try and get them to open up to flirtation, she finds there are these five common excuses that keep them from doing so:

  1. “I’m not attracted to anyone.” Kimberly points out that, when you’re too target specific, you’re closing yourself off to many opportunities. Who’s to say an older gentleman you might strike up a conversation with doesn’t have an available son who would be an excellent match? She says women shouldn’t be afraid to talk to anyone and everyone — regardless of whether or not she finds them attractive.Taking the transactional aspect out of the equation opens up a wealth of opportunities that may not be visible at first glance.
  2. “I don’t want to give off the wrong signals.” “Women fear that if they show an interest in a man, they’ll be falsely leading him on,” says Kimberly. “But again, if you look at the definition of flirting, it’s to behave as though you’re attracted or trying to attract something or someone without a serious intention. So there’s no wrong signals. [As] women, we have the choice of who to choose and who not to choose to move on. And we’re all in the dating game together. I’ve never met any man who went to the hospital because a woman said no to him!”
  3. “I want him to like me for my intelligence, not as a sexual object.” This seems reasonable, but Kimberly points out that taking things too seriously and not embracing your femininity and being playful to a certain degree risks putting you in the friend zone. “You’re just like another dude having a conversation about business or sports.”You know you’re intelligent. And if you allow anything to develop beyond an initial, flirty encounter, he’ll shortly learn you’re intelligent, too.
  4. “I’m not comfortable doing those things.” Everyone has their own flirting style that works for them — but like anything else, practice makes perfect. If you don’t experiment a little, you’ll never find out what your style is. Kimberly brings up the core group in Sex and the City and how each woman had her own technique. What worked for one wouldn’t necessarily work for another.If you go out on the town with your own group, you’ll probably find that humor might work for one of you, whereas subtle nonverbal cues from across the room might work for another. Your technique might even be a combination — but it’s up to you to hone it and make it your own.
  5. “I just don’t know how.” “If you’ve been in a long relationship or you’ve never dated before — you never learned how [to flirt because] you didn’t have role models…it can be uncomfortable,” says Kimberly. “But if you think of it more as an experiment and just having fun and being playful, not putting too much pressure on yourself, you can learn.” Assembling a group of girlfriends (as mentioned in the last excuse) and observing what works (or doesn’t work) for them is one way to take the bulk of the pressure off of you.

Listen to this episode of The Art of Charm in its entirety to learn more about finding your own flirting technique, putting The Three Fs to work, how to find your way with Kimberly’s Dating GPS, and lots more.

Ever wonder how you come across on a date? Do you want to learn the secrets to creating attraction? Here is your chance to get an honest feedback and teachings from an expert. During this laser 30-minute session, you’ll get a taste of how to be the best “you” when it comes to dating, mating, and connecting with the opposite sex. Kimberly will assess your dating image, body language, dating skills, and flirting techniques and answer the real questions around how the opposite sex sees you. Whatever your challenges, Kimberly will devise a plan to teach you the skills needed to keep the opposite sex infatuated and attracted to you. Among the many lessons you’ll learn:

  • The Impression Connection and how to stand out as special, desirable, and available.
  • The three “F” factors and how to use them to create real magnetism and attraction.
  • How to walk into any environment and feel amazing and at ease (and stay that way).
  • How to communicate with an impression of desirability.

Women and men can both benefit from Kimberly’s How to Create Attraction Package, so check it out here!


If you enjoyed this session with Kimberly Seltzer, let her know by clicking on the link below and sending her a quick shout out on Twitter:

Click here to thank Kimberly Seltzer on Twitter!

Resources from this episode:

Also sponsored by:

Get MeUndies here for 20% off!

Learn over 500 subjects (no tests or homework!) at The Great Courses Plus -- The Art of Charm listeners get one month free here!

First two Blue Apron meals free here!

Use coupon code CHARM to get HostGator for 30% off!

You’ll also like:

On your phone? Click here to write us a well-deserved iTunes review and help us outrank the riffraff!

Jordan Harbinger - author of 948 posts on The Art of Charm

Jordan Harbinger has spent several years abroad in Europe and the developing world, including South America, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East, and speaks several languages. He has also worked for various governments and NGOs overseas, traveled through war zones, and been kidnapped -- twice. He’ll tell you the only reason he’s still alive and kicking is because of his ability to talk his way into (and out of) just about any type of situation. Here at The Art of Charm, Jordan shares that experience, and the system borne as a result, with students and clients.

Email · Facebook

in Attraction, Connecting, Dating, Internet Dating, Podcast, Relationships, Sex, Toolbox for Women