Ever been in a conversation that dies instantly?
We all have…
It usually goes something like this…
- Joe: Hey, I’m Joe
- Jane: Nice to meet you, I’m Jane
- Joe: Pleasure to meet you Jane, so what do you do?
- Jane: I’m a ______ (insert awesome occupation)
- Joe: Interesting. Do you like it?
- Jane: Yes, it’s great! It’s what I dreamed of doing since I was a kid…
- Joe: Awesome!
- Jane: ……..
- Joe: ……..
- Joe: So… where are you from?
- Jane: I think I see my friends over there calling me, nice to meet you, bye!
The truth is…
Most conversations don’t make it past small talk for 3 reasons…
Reason 1: Emotional Bids are IGNORED
What are emotional bids?
They’re the mechanism we use to transition out of small talk and into connection…
When someone gives an emotional bid, it’s YOUR job to recognize it and respond to it.
So in our scenario above it would look something like this…
- Joe: Hey, I’m Joe
- Jane: Nice to meet you, I’m Jane
- Joe: Pleasure to meet you Jane, so what do you do?
- Jane: I’m a ______ (insert awesome occupation)
- Joe: Interesting. Do you like it?
- Jane: Yes, it’s great! It’s what I dreamt of doing since I was a kid…
- Joe: Impressive! You know only 5% of people end up doing what they dreamt of as a kid? At least that’s the statistic I just made up because it sounds right…I think it’s awesome you’re living your childhood dream. My childhood dream was to be a superhero, didn’t really work out…unless you count adopting a dog as heroic…not saying I’m a hero or anything…
- Jane: OMG – I love dogs…what kind of dog do you have?
When Joe responds to her emotional bid of her accomplishing her childhood dream, he’s saying “I hear you”.
Now a connection is formed and she’s engaged in the conversation.
Most people don’t know what emotional bids look like, or they’re too “in their head” thinking about what they’re going to say next that they completely miss the opportunity to have a conversation.
Reason 2. A Conversation Becomes An Interrogation
Most conversations go like so…
- Person 1: Question
- Person 2: Answer
- Person 1: Question
- Person 2: Answer
- Person 1: Question
- Person 2: Answer
- Person 1: Question…
- Person 2: I’m tired of answering questions…bye!
Nobody likes being interrogated
Our 3-Step Conversation Formula goes like this:
- Person 1: Question
- Person 2: Answer
- Person 1: Statement
- Connection
So after you ask a question, actually LISTEN and make a statement about their answer. It will feel unnatural at first because you’re making a statement without them asking you about it.
But what you’re doing is sharing something personal that allows them to take the conversation deeper or connect with you.
You can see the formula at work with our Joe/Jane example:
- Question: Joe: Wow, so cool. Do you like it?
- Answer: Jane: Yes, it’s great! It’s what I dreamt of doing since I was a kid.
- Statement: Joe: Impressive! You know only 5% of people end up doing what they dreamt of as a kid? At least that’s the statistic I just made up because it sounds right. I think it’s awesome you’re living your childhood dream. My childhood dream was to be a superhero, didn’t really work out…unless you count adopting a dog as heroic…not saying I’m a hero or anything.
- Connection: Jane: OMG – I love dogs. What kind of dog do you have?
Reason 3: Trying To Remember A “Script”, Rather Than LISTENING and Responding
This is a BIG one.
Most people are “in their head” when having a conversation. They’re physically there, but mentally thinking about what to say next.
This opens the door to blind spots and missed opportunities to connect.
There are 5 levels of listening.
I won’t go into all 5 here, but we did an amazing podcast episode with Oscar Trimboli on them.
(Hint: 86% of people zero in on the WRONG one)
So let’s recap:
90% of conversations FAIL in the first 90 seconds because:
- Emotional bids Are Ignored
- You’re interrogating someone (or being interrogated)
- You’re not listening, you’re waiting to say something premeditated
If you can fix even ONE of these things, I guarantee your conversations will go smoother.
But I know, easier said than done.
It takes practice!
P.S. The 3 conversation mistakes mentioned above are pulled directly from our brand new course, Charismatic Conversations. This course is 100% science-backed and proven to help you connect with anyone and have winning conversations. It will be launching this month, so stay tuned 🙂
