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If you’re a single guy, you’ve probably come to a bunch of conclusions about online dating.
These are logical conclusions that are based in some measure of truth.
Some women are picky.
Some women are flaky.
Some women have impossibly high standards.
Some women are insecure about how you’ll judge them on their looks (and are they entirely wrong?)
But if you have drawn these conclusions – and are still stuck in swiping and texting hell instead of a happy relationship, I’d hope you’d be open to the possibility that maybe – just maybe – there’s something you can do different to get a different result with online dating.
I’ve been a dating coach for 15 years now – married for the past 10 – and while focus is in helping women make healthier relationship choices, I also dated 300 women before getting hitched. Thus, I am intimately familiar with your frustration about the dating process. Act like a nice guy – by spending time, money and energy – and get rejected. Act like an alpha male jerk and you’re not being authentic. With either extreme, you are not nor getting into a relationship with a high-quality woman with genuine self-esteem through online dating.
There has to be another way. And there is. But it requires you to zig when everyone else is zagging.
In a world where the easiest thing to do is swipe right and indiscriminately text women in order to procure dates with the minimal amount of effort, the way to go on better first dates is to invest more time in fewer women. Quit the apps. Quit texting. Start treating women like people.
Think about it this way:
If you’re texting a dozen women at once from a dating app, how important is any one woman to you? How much do you have invested in her? Why would you go out of your way to treat her well when there’s always another woman on tap?
That’s right. You wouldn’t.
But then again, neither would she. Yes, this is a double-edged sword that is killing online dating for you right now.
For all you think it’s a great idea to have a wide texting harem, the most desirable women have even MORE options than you do.
As an impartial third-party observer, it would seem to me that it’s not that men or women are the problem. It’s the medium of dating apps themselves that CAUSE these problems.
Everyone is disposable, and then we complain about disposable we feel.
Everyone feels disappointed and rejected but nobody tries to do anything differently because, well, this is just the way things are done in 2019.
STOP. Your way isn’t working. It’s time to try another one that works – and has worked forever.
Think about what it feels like to meet someone in real life instead of through online dating.
You’re at a party. You’re grabbing a drink. A woman walks over to the bar. You make small talk and hit it off. 15 minutes later, you ask if she’d like to step outside to continue the conversation where it’s quieter. An hour later, you ask for her number before you leave. You follow up the next day to set up a date for the following weekend. This feels good, both to you and to a woman – far better than the endless treadmill of dating apps. So how can we use online dating in a more constructive way for both genders?
When I was single, I realized that my power lay in my ability to differentiate myself. Once, I went out with a woman on Match who only wrote back to 5 guys out of 500. Why me – when I wasn’t the tallest, richest, or best-looking guy out there?
Well, if every other guy was sending first emails that said, “Hey, you’re hot. Let’s meet. Here’s my #. Text me if you want to hang out on Friday,” what was the point of doing the same thing?
Instead, I would have an email conversation just like that 15 minute IRL talk at the bar. And after I made a unique connection online, I would leave Match and offer to go to Gmail to continue talking – just like stepping outside at that party. Finally, since every other guy was urgently pushing her to set up a date by text, I’d set up a time to talk to her on the phone when I was driving home from work. Old school. Are some women weirded out by this? Sure. Do many more find it delightful that a guy wants to get to know her before they meet? You bet.
So if 50 guys are texting their numbers, sending dick pics and demanding to meet ASAP…while one guy is emailing funny stuff on Match and Gmail before connecting on the phone, who is more likely to get that first date?
Who is more likely to have a better first date because he’s built up more trust and rapport?
Who has invested his time more wisely? (It’s not the one you think!)
Guy A: goes out for a one-hour blind date with a stranger he’s texted three times.
Guy B: spent the same one hour emailing and talking to a woman to make sure his first date feels like a second date. He gets to pick her up. He gets to drive her home. He gets a kiss goodnight (because he’s not at Starbucks).
If this all sounds terribly old fashioned, I would merely point out that just because something is old fashioned doesn’t mean it’s bad and just because everyone’s doing something doesn’t mean it’s good.
If you’re happy with a love life in which everyone (including you) feels disposable and your conversations take place in one sentence bursts a few times a day, by all means, keep doing what you’re doing.
But if you’ve ever wondered why online dating is so very frustrating, look no further than the way you’ve been doing it – dating apps and texting. Remove the dating apps. Remove the texting. Start connecting and watch as you meet someone else who appreciates the more personal approach.
Billed as a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women,” dating coach Evan Marc Katz has been helping singles since 2003. He is the author of four books, most recently, “Believe in Love,” and has been featured in hundreds of media outlets, including Today, the New York Times, and CNN. In the past three years, Evan’s blog got over 24 million readers and thousands of women have graduated from Love U, his six-month video course that helps women understand men and find love. Evan is very happily married and lives in Los Angeles with his wife and their two children.
Click here to learn more about Evan’s Finding the One Online course, which teaches you everything from choosing a site, creating a profile, posting photos, and writing emails that get responses from the people you want to meet.