The Cheat Code to Building Deep Relationships and Being Unforgettable Toolbox

In today’s episode, we cover emotional bids with AJ and Johnny.

Understanding emotional bids is the cheat code to building great relationships, but what are they, how do you recognize them, and why does ignoring them lead to the end of relationships?

What to Listen For

  • Why are Emotional Bids Important – 2:25 
  • Why is it so important to your relationships to be able to recognize them? 
  • How can ignoring your partner’s emotional bids lead to the end of your relationship?
  • Why is it important to actively listen for emotional bids when you’re talking to someone?
  • What is an Emotional Bid – 16:38 
  • What is an emotional bid and how do you recognize when someone is trying to get you to connect?
  • Why is it more important to pay attention to the emotions behind the words than the words themselves?
  • How do you make someone want to text you back?
  • What can you do to be unforgettable after one conversation with someone?
  • Common Emotional Bids and the 3 Ways to Respond –  27:30
  • What is a bid for attention and how should you respond to it?
  • What is a bid for emotional support and how should you respond to it?
  • What does it mean to turn toward an emotional bid and how can turning away from them or against them cause your relationships to crumble?
  • What are the 3 ways we can respond to emotional bids and which one is guaranteed to make your relationship fail?
  • How to Use Emotional Bids to Strengthen Relationships – 48:02
  • What simple exercise can you use to become aware of emotional bids from the people you interact with on a daily basis?
  • How can a lack of awareness of emotional bids lead to divorce and what can you do to be more aware of them in your partner?

Emotional bids are our way of expressing vulnerability without feeling like we’re taking a big risk, so if we can recognize the emotional bids in others, acknowledge them, and respond appropriately by turning toward them, we can make the people we care about feel more comfortable being more vulnerable and connecting with us.

A Word From Our Sponsors

Share your vulnerabilities, victories, and questions in our 17,000-member private Facebook group at theartofcharm.com/challenge. This is a unique opportunity where everyone — both men and women — celebrate your accountability on the way to becoming the best version of yourself. Register today here!

Resources from this Episode

Speaker 1: You're able to hear everything, every word that was said. So when you're like, yeah, yeah, right. The purple parakeet. I see it. They're like, this is why you get in return. You're not listening to me because it was never about the purple parakeet. It was about spending quality time. In that moment together, it was about being with somebody tracking the same thing, having sharing in this experience. So if you are somebody who continues to get, you're not listening to me, this is why

Speaker 2: Welcome back to the art of charm podcast. The show designed to help you win at work, love, and life. Now we know you have what it takes to reach your full potential. And that's why we're so excited every week to share with you interviews and strategies to help you develop the right social skills and mindsets to succeed.

Speaker 1: You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. I'm ADJ. And I'm Johnny, are you a super fan of this show,

Speaker 2: Want to meet amazing people with growth mindsets, looking to improve their relationships.

Speaker 1: Then come join us on Facebook and share what you've learned from the show.

Speaker 2: Get the latest art of charm news and surprise live discussions with us.

Speaker 1: The art of charm.com/community. Join the community and our conversation over Facebook. The art of charm.com/community.

Speaker 2: I'm so excited for today's toolbox episode, Johnny. This month, we're diving deep into one of our favorite topics, emotional bids. Now you've heard us mention this on the show. Many times in the past, you may have even caught the last toolbox episode on this. I think it was in 2018. So this week Michael's joining us to dedicate an entire episode to really explain what emotional bids are, the impact they have on our relationships and why they're so important. And of course, some simple tips and strategies to help you spot them and react appropriately to start building better relationships. Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us, Michael. So this is one of our favorite topics, and this is a toolbox revisited because we last chatted about emotional bids in 2018. And if you are subscribed to premium Stitcher, well, you still have access to that incredible toolbox.

Speaker 2: Or if you're following us on YouTube, you may have watched it, but this comes up again. And again, we reference it in many of our interviews and episodes. And I honestly view this as a cheat code to relationships because this changed my relationship with Amy entirely. So I'm so excited to have Michael and Johnny joining me today to talk exactly about emotional bids. If you've heard in your relationship, you're not listening to me and you sit there thinking, but I am listening. Turn the volume up a little bit. Maybe slow it down, turn off distractions, turn off notifications and listen to this next hour because it will change how you show up in that matter. And of course, we want to kick it off first with just giving you an overview of what emotional bids are, what they mean. If you've never heard this phrase before, this might be a little eye opening, it may be a new concept for you. And then we're going to share some strategies at the end to allow you to turn towards those emotional bids and deepen every relationship in your life.

Speaker 1: I can personally state upon learning emotional beds, what they are, how they worked, that they had changed my life. And they also changed the way that I viewed conversations and what I was looking for in conversations and allowed all of my relationships to be enhanced. Just from this one tool

Speaker 3: I had heard about the emotional bits of course, a lot because we cover them here in the podcast so many times, but the first time I saw them in action was during bootcamp. When the guys went out into a night club, uh, looking for emotional bids, reacting to them, and suddenly they were surrounded by people. And I was like, Whoa, maybe, you know, I need to look into these emotional bids even more because I saw the power of them inaction for hours and they just always worked.

Speaker 2: And it's amazing when you can respond to these emotional bids and the other person recognizes that and feels more comfortable getting vulnerable sharing and feels more connected to you. It really is a cheat code. I cannot stress it enough. So first things first let's define an emotional bid. Michael,

Speaker 3: This is an attempt from one partner to another, um, for attention, affirmation and affection, or basically any kind of connection, usually, you know, positive connection and they can be verbal. So, you know, cert asking for help, asking for advice, asking to share something, they can also be non-verbal. So this might be a smile, a wink, or, you know, a slight touch. And we make emotional bits in our relationships when we wish to develop depth. When we want to take that relationship further, whether that's with a romantic partner, with a friend, even with a coworker and even in networking and, you know, work in general. And the tricky thing is that I think this episode is going to open a lot of eyes and ears throughout us talking about it. Because after this episode, you will see them and hear them speak more specifically everywhere. And that's, that's the powerful thing. So they can't really be overstated.

Speaker 2: Now, if you're a bootcamp, alumni or an X factor accelerator member, you've heard us talk about value time and time again. In fact, we were teaching value before we even discovered this concept of emotional bids. And we've always defined value as the three A's. Right. Okay.

Speaker 1: Yes. Which is attention approval and acceptance. So as

Speaker 2: You see, there's massive overlap in what Michael defined as emotional bids. And what we've been saying is give other people value. When we actually start paying attention to the signals that people in our life are giving us when they try to connect with us, when they try to seek that attention, that affirmation, that affection from us. Well, we can now capitalize on a layer of communication that most of us are not paying attention to. So if you're sitting there a little social anxious, a little in your head, worried, how am I being perceived? Does this other person like me? We're about to blow the doors off of how you approach conversation. Because when you start seeing these signals and turning towards them, it lights up the room, the other person feels more connected to you than ever. Now we're going to break down how these work in principle.

Speaker 2: We're also going to give you a couple common ones to look out for, but we have to start by giving a shout out to Dr. Gottman because he's the man who coined this exact phrase and his research in newlyweds, married couples and longevity in romantic relationships is really foundational to how we view successful couples. And what I learned from that applied to my own relationship. So if you're sitting in the car next to your partner, if you're on your way, home for work, ready to share a meal with your spouse or significant other, you're going to really appreciate what we're about to share with you. So let's kick it off with this newlywed study that we talk about so much, Michael. Yes,

Speaker 3: This was affectionately known as the love lab. And this was something that Dr. Gottman did in 1,999, that's 22, 22 years ago already. And what he did is he designed a lab in the university of Washington and he made it look like a bed and breakfast retreat. And then he invited 130 newlywed couples to spend a day in the retreat. So I'm assuming like one after the other, right? They were like all 130 in there at the same time. So a couple would come in and then they would be reserved, observed how they interact with each other. So there were microphones and cameras everywhere. And of course they, they knew about this. And what Dr. Gottman discovered was that throughout the day, people or partners frequently made these requests for connection to each other. And this is what he then called the emotional bid. And after six years, he followed up with those couples and he discovered something big.

Speaker 3: He discovered that there was a big difference between how couples behaved, um, that stayed married, how they behaved in the love lab. And in those that didn't, and one of the key elements off this was how they responded to emotional bits and those couples that were still happy to be married. They responded on average like 86% of the time to an emotional bit that their partner made while that got divorced six years later or earlier, they only responded positively about 33% of the time. And so Dr. Goldman said, okay, I seem to be onto something here. And he's, he's deep into his research and done, like he worked with so many more couples. So the 130 really was just the tip of the iceberg that sparked the entire thing. And what he's able to do now is kind of infamous for his ability to watch a three minute clip of a couple. He doesn't know the couple doesn't know anything about them, but he sees like a three minute clip with audio and video. And with 94% accuracy, he can tell whether that couple will be broken up unhappy or happy. Uh, several years later, with just three minutes of watching them,

Speaker 1: I want to just state for the purposes of experiment and setting up this lab. This idea of the bed and breakfast is perfect to be able to observe a couple. When I think of the bed and breakfast, number one, they're out of their natural habitat. Number two, there's an a, an, a traveling scenario and anyone who's traveled in a relationship knows the difficulties that go along with that. And if, and if there is any issues within that relationship, the traveling is going to bring that out. And that has a bit of the, it's a, it's a small stress test, but just enough to see how a couple really behaves with each other while they're at home, there is so much distraction and everyone's lives are rolling, but when you take them out of the home and put them in this scenario, the couple has there's two ways. This goes, they either retreat to their own psyche to deal with the new surroundings at what they want to do, or they connect to the point where it is them traveling together, opening up the world together, and you will be able to see the communication, how different both of those scenarios

Speaker 2: And great guys, couples, what does this have to do with me? I'm single. I'm not worried about romance. I'm a great listener. And here's the thing. This is why this context is so important. Yes, this was a study of romantic partners. But if you think about it, romantic partners have the deepest realest connection. What Dr. Gottman is saying is that these emotional bids are the Genesis of every single connection in our lives. So that's your coworkers, your peers, your friends, and your significant other. So if you're struggling to make deep connections, have you feel, you have surface level friends, you have a lot of people in your life, but you're not comfortable getting vulnerable odds are, you're also not turning towards these emotional bids and creating space for that other person to get vulnerable and connect with you. And this is not about just being a better listener.

Speaker 2: This is one of those areas where the Dunning Kruger effect is alive and well, because many of us over index on our listening, the problem is we're not that great of listeners and the science shows this again. And again and again, in fact, it's common for doctors trained to help patients and listen to patients, to interrupt patients within the first 11 seconds of that patient explaining what's wrong with them. And science says they actually need at least 30 seconds to get it out, but the doctor's already jumping ahead. How many of us are approaching our relationships rushing, jumping ahead, thinking about what we need to say or how we need to prove our point or what happened to us and among managers who had rated themselves as the best listeners. 94% of them said, they're fantastic listeners, except their staff, their employees rated them as horrible listeners.

Speaker 2: So if your staff is not feeling heard, if the team that you work with is not feeling supported, if you are not turning towards these emotional bids, you are doing them a disservice. And this is my favorite because I know Amy and puppers can agree with this poll. It went full. One third of women said their pets were better listeners than their partners. And this is the journey that I've been on over the last seven years of becoming a better, more present listener in my relationship with Amy and one of our favorite guests, Adam Grant says it best listening well is a more than a matter of talking less. It's a set of skills in asking and responding. And it actually starts with showing more interest in other people's interests, rather than trying to judge their status or even worse prove our own.

Speaker 1: Hey, Jay, there's something there. I wanted to point out. So you're talking about the doctor patient scenario, and the doctor already knows what the diagnosis is, what he needs to do, what he needs to tell the patient he's in what we call autopilot mode. He's going through the motions because though this patient might be having some new elements that he's explaining that doctor's probably already been through this scenario six times this week. So he knows the drill, but if he cuts the patient off in 11 seconds, and that patient does not feel that he's being heard, you can bet that that patient is not going to have a very good view of that doctor. If you don't have a very good view of that doctor, how does that then roll into how you respond to his advice? Number one, you might go to another doctor because you feel that he's not listening to you.

Speaker 1: You're not going to be as connected with him as you should be. Also, you're not going to take his advice as that serious, because you didn't feel that you were being heard. And if you weren't heard that, how does he know what advice to give you? But yet, you know, he's doing his job and he's, but he is an autopilot mode. And we have to account for that. And you know, Asia, we do this show, we record so many of these. And a lot of people, I think from the outside, looking in, can see that other just podcasters, they get a book, they look at some notes, they have a conversation and it's a done deal. I know I don't want to go and do these interviews in an autopilot mode because we would get the same interview that everybody else is getting. And if, if somebody writes a book and they're doing the podcast circuit, will I want our interview with this guest, say, Adam Grant to be a little bit special, to be something that will be unique to our competition into the other interviews are going on. And also more focused on what we do here at the art of charm, because the people who are listening to our show, they're listening to it for a reason. And we want to give them that information.

Speaker 3: You might be able to tell me if this is true, but most people say that really listening is they're retiring. You need a lot of concentration to be fully present and to listen. And when we do in the, in the X-Factor accelerator, when we do our monthly improv training, we do those games where someone has to start telling a story. And then we, as the, as the coaches, we interrupt them in the next person has to jump in so forth, 30 seconds or one minute everyone has to really listen because they don't know who's going to be next. And after 90 minutes of improv training, everyone is tired. Like we're all exhausted because it takes a lot of energy. And this is also why being a good listener is so highly rated by those people that are actually being listened to because most people know, yeah, this is taxing too, to really pay attention for a longer period of time.

Speaker 1: Well, here's another tidbit to make these podcasts what they are and how much effort and care the AIG and I put into them, which is the guests who's coming in. We'll use since we use the Adam Grant quote, we'll, we'll use him as an example. So Adam's coming in and guess what? Adam's already done, 20 other podcasts and interviews and whatnot, to no fault of his own. He's just going to go into autopilot mode and start talking about his book. And if he's already done it 20 times, he's already got a rap of what is going to be, and he's going to get the conversation started for Asia and I we're trained. And we talk about emotional bids on a weekly basis. We are looking for the emotional bids, because if we're able to find one and pull it out and put the conversation around it, guess what? Adam's going to first break out of the autopilot. And now he's going to be fully engaged in our interview. He is going to remember, and he's going to enjoy himself because it does step out of the box that he's been in for so long. But now we're working in and talking about some other things that he really cares about, that he hasn't had the opportunity to, to share. And we've been able to locate what that is through listening for emotional.

Speaker 2: All right. So now that we've got everyone's interest has elevating, tell us, tell us what emotional bits are. So this is such an important concept that I would recommend if you don't catch it the first time, pause and double back. And I say that because many of our X-Factor members and our bootcamp participants have written us and said, this is the life changing information in their relationships. Now let's talk about how it works, why it works and what you need to learn to create better and deeper connections. So here's how an emotional bid looks. And then we'll talk about how you react to it. And emotional bid is the emotional layer that lies behind a statement or an action. Now, emotional bids are the true meaning behind those words, which is why it takes an extra level of listening. It's not surface level listening. So the actual words might be something like, look a purple parakeet.

Speaker 2: The actual meaning is, Hey, will you actually look out the window with me at this beautiful bird that I'm talking about? So it's not just, Oh, you know, Amy saw a bird, great. It's the participation and something that is exciting and makes the other person enthusiastic to share. Or for example, I talked to my boss today. Well, great. You talk to your boss, right? You're listening on a surface level. What is, what's the big deal? But the actual meaning is, will you let me share this story with you? I want to talk about this conversation with my boss. That's why I gave you that emotional bit. Or if you're introverted like me, you might get this question. How's it going? And if you're like Johnny and you're in autopilot, as we were talking about earlier, you might go good, great. But actually what that person is saying is can I have your attention?

Speaker 2: And can you open up and share with me? I don't know what's going on with you. You're sitting there quietly introverted. AIJ. So as you start to see, we're moving a layer of behind the words, we're not just settling for the surface level, boring conversation, we're going for that deeper meaning. And that's why we absolutely love this quote by Dale Carnegie, because he nails it when dealing with people, remember you're not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. So it's that emotional context and layer behind what's being shared. That allows us to connect on those emotions. Now, if you're in an analytical job, if you're an engineer or a scientist, like many of our alumni in our programs, well, you're classically trained to listen for the data. What do you mean the emotional layer behind it? I don't have time for the emotional layer. I got facts and figures. I got to calculate, and it takes training yourself and being patient with it to start to recognize the deeper meaning behind it.

Speaker 3: So I think here for me as a total book nerd, I see a movie nerd as well, thanks to the pandemic and Netflix that I see a clear parallel for why I am reading novels, why I'm watching Saifai series. Not because I want to see the data. I'm not watching the expanse because I want to know all about spaceships and chief forces. It's no, it's that emotional layer. That's weak woven into the story. And, and that is of course, you know, his story. It has a different purpose than an emotional bit, but the principle is the same a book or a movie is full of data, but that's not why people watch it or read it. And the same is true for when I say something to you. Yes. Sometimes I want you to know the data. Hey, here's the login data here is a calendar entry, of course. But very often I will say things that are just superficially data oriented, but underneath it's like, ha ha, I'm really proud of this one or AAJ, uh, like I could say, Hey Jay, like, here's an amazing testimonial or just God and ha could be like, okay, you know what? Testimonial great. Or he could like age, I could see the enthusiasm and the pride that is, that is below it.

Speaker 1: Yeah. And I'd like to add to that as well. If you're trained to listen to info, as AGA was speaking about, well, you're able to hear everything, every word that was said. So when you're like, yeah, yeah, right. The purple parakeet. I see it. They're like you, this is why you get in return. You're not listening to me because it was never about the purple parakeet. It was about spending quality time. In that moment together, it was about being with somebody tracking the same thing, having sharing in this experience. So if you are somebody who keeps continues to get, you're not listening to me. This is why you're listening on a very cerebral level, but not on a lizard brain level. And also I want everyone who's listening to this to understand that we are dealing with multiple levels of communication at all times, if you think advertising is just telling you what, why their product is cool and why you should have it, and what the specifics are to your life in purchasing this, I got news for you.

Speaker 1: You are missing out on the complete subconscious communication that is going on. That is manipulating your emotions through the visuals, through certain words, to bring out certain emotions in you to get you excited. So we were like, I need this without even realizing that you have logically bought into this idea. You're now thinking about it emotionally. And once you are thinking about a product that you need emotionally, it's only a matter of time before you logically come to the conclusion that you need it, that you're going to go buy it, but you've already bought it moments earlier.

Speaker 2: This revise V of a experience I had over the holiday break. So Amy's sister was visiting, and I know that Amy and her sister love Harry Potter. I'm not really a fan of those action hero movies or fantasy movies. But I decided to surprise Amy by getting the 4k box set of Harry Potter, best Christmas ever. Exactly right. Michael, before understanding emotional bids, I would have summed it up. As boy goes to school, becomes wizard graduates. Why do I need eight movies to get this accomplished? But watching those eight movies in 4k, exactly what Michael's talking about, the emotional rollercoaster is why we seek out entertainment. It's also why we seek out connection with others. So emotional bids are a two way street. You may not be paying attention to others, and you may also not be communicating emotional bids towards others. So you may be just sling in facts and data and not including that emotion and the other person's feeling disconnected from you and saying, Oh, AIJ, doesn't really want to connect with me.

Speaker 2: Or, Oh, Johnny's not in a good mood. He doesn't really seem that he wants to have this conversation with me. So emotional bids are that underlying communication powering every connection in our lives. So here are some common types. Now there are nine. We don't have time to go through all nine, but if you head over to the art of charm.com/bids, B I D S the art of charm.com/bids, you're going to be able to download a screen saver to save these nine on your phone. And I recommended conversation. You put it on airplane mode, you review it before you're talking to someone you really care about. And you're going to notice these bids coming at you in every relationship in your life. But as we were saying, if you're distracted, if you're thinking about what you're going to cook for dinner, or what book you're going to read in the evening. And Amy saying, I talked to my boss today. Well, you're probably not going to catch that underlying meaning that Amy wants to share a story and wants that quality time. And that's why it's important to turn down the distractions, turn off the TV and have those moments to really connect with someone.

Speaker 1: I want to add to that as well. Um, for myself, for as many interviews as we do, and I get a little nervous. I, I always want the interview to go, well, of course, I want our time and the energy that we've put in or interviews to yield something of value for our listeners. I never worry about the, how those conversations are going to be to the fact that I know what I'm listening for in the interview. And that allows me to not worry about it, but to focus on what's going to be important, which are the bids. And this goes for anyone. If you're nervous about going to a networking event or a first date, or even an interview, if you're going for a job interview, understanding what these emotional bids are, what they look like, being able to identify them and validate them is going to give you an upper hand, but not only being comfortable, you'll never run out of things to say, and you'll be working on an emotional level, which you will be pulling out emotional bids that the other person has brought up.

Speaker 1: So you are stoking the flames and putting them into an, a heightened, emotional state, which when they leave that interaction, they're going to think, wow. Michael was so rad. What a conversation that was so fun. If they're thinking that was fun, where they enjoy that conversation, there was a heightened, emotional state that is going to linger every time that you hear Michael Harold's name, you are going to go back to how you felt in that conversation with Michael. And the only thing you're going to have to say is, Oh yeah, Michael's rat. And that is it. That's going to be the memory. So think about how that works. On a first date. You want to leave a lasting impression that makes this person text you back immediately. It is you nailing these emotional bids. You want to get the job that you know is going to lead you to new opportunities in your life. And you want to feel good about it. Nail these emotional bids and the person who did the interview is going to go that guy's tall. And I want to hang out with that guy. I want to

Speaker 2: Work with that guy unforgettable.

Speaker 1: That's why these are so important. And I can tell you after learning these, I've used these to that effect. I have rolled in the first dates. I don't worry about those at all. Why? Because I can lay back and enjoy just being in the moment, picking out the emotional bids and exploring those topics with the person. It's. And guess what? They're always texting back.

Speaker 2: So let's give three of our favorites and these are classic examples. The first is a bid for a right, and this one is the most frequent one you're going to encounter, because as we said, many of us are walking around distracted. We got that endless distraction device in our pocket that sometimes we even think is vibrating. When it's not our, our focus is constantly on what's going on in our pocket. So this won a bid for attention. As we said, you won't believe what my boss said to me today.

Speaker 1: Oh, what did I say

Speaker 2: In the past? I would have said, Amy, what's for dinner. Right? I got it. I'm hungry. I've had a long day too. And I'm the boss. And I need to get moving. I am not really concerned about what your boss said, right? And that would be what we call turning away from that emotional bit. We're short-circuiting what Amy really wants, which is attention. And the second one is shared interest, a bid for actual interest from you. Isn't this the best show you've ever seen. Again, you could say, man, I don't know. I've seen the Harry Potter movies. This, this doesn't compare. Or you could say, this is a pretty good show. Why do you enjoy it so much? What do you love about it? That's turning towards the emotional bid.

Speaker 1: I just want to point that out. So you mentioned that's turning towards it. So you were, you're asking them a question directed at the emotional bid that allows them to dive into the emotional state that they were bringing up that allows them to feel good about Harry Potter. So now, regardless of how you feel about a review, even seed it, guess what they get to do. They get to tell you all about it. And now they're stoking that emotional state and they're getting worked up by it and they're allowing it to take over. So now all of a sudden, the conversation that I had with AIG about a Harry Potter is a feel good conversation, which people don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel.

Speaker 2: Now that example is nuance. So I want to point this out for the audience. I did not just take that question and respond with a question. I said, you know, the show is pretty good. What do you like about it? Why do you love it so much? I'm buffering my followup question with an actual statement. That's turning towards the bit. So when you listen to this, rewind it a little bit and relisten to that because many in our audience get tripped up and go, Oh great. I just throw a follow-up question. Oh, I turned towards the bed. No, that person is asking for your interest level. And then you're opening it up to go deeper into that emotional bid in thus creating that amazing connection. Now what we've been sharing, I know it's positive emotions, baby. It's exciting. AIJ this is great. I get it. I just happy fun feelings. No, it, emotional bids are also tied to negative emotions. And the third one, we're going to give you as a bid for emotional support. I'm afraid I'm going to flunk this exam. Uh, you may have heard that and said, don't worry about it. You'll do fine. You're so studious. You're going to crush it, but that's actually turning away from that emotional bid. That's not offering that person emotional support. I see you nodding Michael.

Speaker 3: I, I S this one is, uh, I was waiting for you to pick it because otherwise I would have thrown it in as an extra. This is the one that people usually pick up on. Like, if I, if I come to you and I say, Oh, AGM, and I'm really worried about, I dunno, what, what could you be worried about during a pandemic interview?

Speaker 2: I'm really worried about the podcasts. Exactly.

Speaker 3: I'm really worried about this. This interview. Most people will pick up on that because I'm addressing an emotion more or less directly, but what they then do is they turn against it by saying, Hey, don't worry about it. You're cool. You can do this, but that's not what I've been saying. I don't want you to negate me. I want you to be where I am at and come with me. So, yeah. Thanks for, thanks for picking the emotional support. One.

Speaker 2: I always have to use that example in class, in bootcamp and X factor, because all we go through those nine emotional bids and everyone's nodding their head and saying, I get it age. I totally positive emotions who doesn't want to connect on positive emotions, positivity, baby. It's not all about positive emotions. It's about recognizing all emotions and understanding that there are going to be times when your partner, your friend, your peer, your coworker, your staff member is going to be turning towards you for emotional support. And they don't want to hear that emotion in validated. They don't want you to turn away or dismiss it. They want you to help them unpack it and recognize it and feel supported and listen. Some of these are very easy to get, and they're easy to SWAT and interpret while others are going to be a little harder to detect. It takes a level of you being mindful and being present in that conversation. And if that's not something that you're doing right now, if that's something you're struggling with, well, that's exactly what we focus on in our core confidence program is developing your present moment awareness so that your not paying attention to the past, the future, all those thoughts swirling in your head, but you're able to actually sit there and engage in a amazing conversation, fully listening to the other person.

Speaker 3: The thing with emotional bits is really we, we wouldn't need them. If people were just able to say, Hey, agent, I'm worried about this podcast interview, Hey, age, I'm really proud of this person that went through core confidence and just graduated and the progress that they've made. But, you know, vulnerability is a little bit of a scary thing. So we package it in something that we meant to say anyway. So it's always that it's not that bright light of vulnerability. It's that spark that's packaged in a more or less regular sentence. And that's why it's so easy to overlook. And if people were simply to say, Hey, I need you right now. We wouldn't have to do it toolbox episode and emotional bit, but people don't tend to do that because being vulnerable is scary. Even with your partner, vulnerability can be scary. And so emotional bits are just a, a construct in the language that allows to sneak in vulnerability and then fingers crossed. I hope the other person picks up on it, which hopefully your listeners are now able to do.

Speaker 2: And that's why we created a cheat sheet for you. So you don't have to take diligent notes. We got, you covered the art of charm.com/bids, B IDs, and you will get access to our cheat sheet where you can download it to your phone and have those nine to follow along with and pay attention to. Now we threw a couple of phrases at you here, turning towards turning away. And there's a third one turning against. So we've now recognized these emotional bits, great guys, I'm listening. I'm following along. What do we do with them? And how do we deepen that connection will turning towards an emotional bed is what we need to do to deepen that connection and turning towards someone's emotional bids means giving them your attention approval and acceptance, giving them that value that we talked about. And when you turn towards them, that person hears. I see you. I care. I'm invested. That is what they hear when we are turning towards that bit. I know you're nodding your head, Johnny.

Speaker 1: Well, there is turning towards turning away and turning against. And I know a lot of couples out there, like to think that they have a good relationship where their significant other can come to them with anything. And that's certainly where you would like to be in your relationship. You would want your significant other, if something was bothering them to come and tell you about it. So you guys can work it out. Now, how do you get to a place where both parties feel good about coming to each other about what is bothering them, concerning them? Well, it is turning towards emotional bids every time that there's an emotional bid and you turn towards it, you are opening up lines of communication. I want you to think of communication, phone lines going between you and the person that you have this relationship with. Every time you turn toward them, when they throw out an emotional bed, you open those lines up.

Speaker 1: When you turn away, you can strip those lines. So if those communication lines are not opening up, then why would the person needs support come to you? When they run the risk of throwing out an emotional bid and you not acknowledging it, if you ignore it, they're, they're put in a position where they feel neglected, and if they feel neglected or ignored, then those lines have broken down. They're constricted, and you're going to get less emotional bids. If you learn what the emotional bits are attentive, and you acknowledge them and you validate them with confirmation and you explore them, you're opening up these lines. And now every time that that person has a problem has an issue once to share and celebrate celebration. You are the person that they're coming to. So if your relationship is faltering, and this is any relationship with friends, family, significant other, the, you have to work to opening those lines back up. Once those lines are back up, then you're going to reap the benefits of that. If those lines are closed, we'll of course your significant other isn't coming to you with issues, problems, or a celebration, and guess what? They will find somebody else who they can come to to find that support and to find somebody to celebrate with. And nobody wants that.

Speaker 3: And I would also like to point out that this doesn't have to be a lot. So the other person is not looking for a major commitment. He or she is looking for a connection. So if Amy were to say to agent, Oh, those Harry Potter movies, they were great. We have to do another Harry Potter marathon. Ha doesn't have to close the computer, cancel all his appointments and then sit down for 93 hours. Right. That would be the commitment. It would be enough for him to say, Oh yeah, you're right. Like they were so great. Do you remember this Quidditch match in the first movie, right? That is already turning toward that emotion. So you don't always have to, you know, close everything you're doing and go after this, just recognizing it and letting the other person know that I see you. I care about you. That is enough to turn it toward.

Speaker 1: Yes. We're learning how to identify and validate them because there are so many being thrown at us on a day to day basis. You just need to be able to recognize a decent portion of them that keep those lines open. However, if that person starts to feel that they're going to be vulnerable and run the risk of being ignored, well, then you're going to get less and less emotional bids. And remember, if you're looking to reignite your relationship or put it back together, you need to pay attention to the few emotional bids that you are getting on a day-to-day basis. And then when you validate those emotional bids, you'll start to see more, more when those

Speaker 3: Lines open back up. And that's,

Speaker 2: That is one of the most rewarding things in TTS. And it reminds me of one of our executive clients. So he runs a major international company and he was referred to us from a couples therapist that we had on the show. And he came to us thinking I just need to become more outgoing. And I need to get my swag was the quote unquote, what he was looking for and working with us at the art of charm. And I remember going through emotional bids and telling him straight up like this is going to change your relationship with your wife. And he's like, no, no, no. I'm working on now with a therapist. That's not that important to me. Let's get to the swag part. Let's get to the part where I'm actually cool and outgoing. And I'm like, trust me, I'm telling you, this is going to take your relationship to the next level.

Speaker 2: We went through the emotional beds and then he took off and he messaged us in between that session and the following session that he wished he would have taken better notes. Can we review these emotional bids on the next session? Because when he turned towards his partner's emotional bid, which is probably the first time he'd done it in years, being a super successful, crazy pack, schedule executive running a major company, he's always distracted. He always has other things on his mind, but in that moment of turning towards recognizing and turning towards that bed with his wife changed the entire game. So he came back, the next session came to the house and we had to review those emotional bids. And he was writing diligently all nine of them. So it's subtle. It doesn't have to be a major change in your behavior. It's not clear the schedule, but some simple examples of turning towards the bid, you know, Oh my God, it's a purple parakeet.

Speaker 2: Stop. What you're doing. Get up and look out the window with your significant other or two friends are talking and one makes a joke. Well, that's a bid for connection. So laugh at the joke. Recognize that that person is showcasing a sense of humor, or let's talk about why these responses are so important. We have to understand that in these moments, these emotional bids, we are our most vulnerable. We're putting a little fishing line out there saying, I'm, I'm trying to make a connection here. I really want to nibble on that line. I want to know that you care. I want to feel seen and heard. Now turning away is when we actually ignore that emotional bit. So there's no reaction. We keep washing the dishes. We're not going to the window to check out the parakeet. We keep our plans with our friends. We're not going on Amazon to order the Harry Potter, eight disc set. These are small subtle actions to ignore our partner, our friend, our peer, our coworker, our staff member, that over time build resentment and that resentment poisons relationship.

Speaker 3: And this can be as small as, Oh, look, there is a bird outside of the window. Great. It can be as little as that. I mean, come, what do you want? I said, great. Didn't I? Yeah, but you know, on the emotional level, you were turning away to meet, turning away from an emotional bit. If I were to imagine it in like a comic strip, it's two people approaching one holds help out the hand to shake before, you know, before and after the pandemic don't do it right now. But hen holds out the hand to shake and the other person just ignores it and doesn't shake. That is how it would look like if it were like physically expressed, but for the purpose of this being verbal behavior, it's like, yeah, I just ignore you. I don't, I don't go after it. I don't bite.

Speaker 1: It also gives you an opportunity to pick which emotional beds you want to explore too. It gives you an opportunity to steer the conversation into something that you are a bit more excited about as well. You're going to always get not just one emotional bid, and if you catch it, you catch it. And if you don't well, that's it, you're going to get flooded with a few of them. And it is up to you to start recognizing them and then responding to them in a way that allows the person to explore and stoke the emotions that they're looking to get into.

Speaker 2: Now, the third thing that we could do to an emotional bed is to turn against actually reject that emotional bid through criticism or sarcasm. Many of us in our audience, many of you listening right now may, maybe that sarcastic friend, that sarcastic spouse who always has a one-liner lettuce, stupid bird who loves purple parakeets, come on. We love dogs. In those moments of that biting sarcasm, you might get a laugh. You might think it's fun, but the other person is not feeling seen or heard appropriately. Now pop quiz for you. Cause I got this wrong. Let's think about this. Turning away from that emotional bid, ignoring it right, going on with your day, keep washing the dishes. Don't check out the bird or turning against being critical, being sarcastic. Which of those two do you think damages the relationship more? I actually got this wrong.

Speaker 3: Can someone play the jeopardy music while we have them? Think about this for a few seconds. I'll tell you. I'll tell you turning away is actually worse to stick with a bird example. Oh look, there's a great bird out there. If I don't react at all, it feels like you are nothing to me. I don't even hear you. I don't, you are not there. But if I turn and I say, well, the birds are stupid. At least I acknowledge you. I'm still, I'm still not doing the right thing, but at least I acknowledge you and let you know that, you know, I don't agree with you at all, but at least I recognize the fact that you just made a comment and then the other person can step up and say, what do you mean? Like birds? Aren't stupid. Birds are amazing. They're birds are better than Harry Potter. And now a discussion starts. So still saying, try to not turn away, try to not turn against, but if you accidentally have to decide between one of the two evils, don't turn away.

Speaker 1: I want to illustrate this with an example that is very real to AIG. And I, because we had to deal with this living in Los Angeles for quite a long time. But this example works really well here. And it illustrates this perfectly, which is the in LA, there is a homeless population that is the wallets. It's quite large. Now think about how the homeless folk are treated for most people. They just ignore them. They step over them. They walk around them. And there is this phenomenon for homeless folk that people dealing with a homeless population see a lot, which is they'll just wander into traffic and stand there and stop that traffic. And a lot of people think that this is a something wrong with them, that they have a mental illness that causes them to do this or that there's something that is pushing them to do this.

Speaker 1: But the actuality of this is because they have been ignored. They feel invisible that they feel insignificant. It is their only way to challenge those ideas and to see that they actually exist and think about it. They're not getting a good response from doing this, are they right? They're saying people are upset. They're honking the horn or hitting the guy. But that response helps them in that situation. More so than continuing to feel invisible. So use that example and understand your turning towards turning away or turning against emotional bids and the effect that it has on the other person.

Speaker 2: Now, if you are digging this toolbox and you're ready to recognize emotional bids, take a screenshot, tag us right now at the art of charm and share it with us on social media. We want to turn towards you, our audience and share you supporting the show. Yes, emotional bits have changed our life. So take a screenshot. Now, tag us, let us know your enjoying this episode. So we've covered emotional bids. Their significance gave you some clear examples. Now let's talk a little bit about why and how we can utilize these with some tools around emotional bits. Now there's a great quote by Ernest Hemingway. When people talk, listen completely, most people never listen. Yes. You're listening to the show by you're probably also washing dishes, running something else. How many of us are going through life? Only half listening. We got something on our mind, some tasks we're doing physically.

Speaker 2: We're always moving, but we're not actually present. And we teach all of our X-Factor accelerator participants, the importance of listening with our eyes and our ears because these emotional bids are subtle. They're below the surface and there are a lot of different emotional bids as we talked about. So it takes practice for you to bring it to a conscious level and bring it into your interactions. So this week I want to challenge you. I want you to think at the end of that interaction, what was the emotional bid in that interaction? Ask yourself that prompt. You know, it's so fascinating. We do this with our bootcamp participants and with X factor accelerator, we play back the video and we say, what emotional bids did you catch? And so many of us in the moment, we're not catching it, but when we take the time or wind the tape, we're like, Oh, that one and that one and that one.

Speaker 2: So the simple act of reflecting on interactions throughout this week, the next week, and asking yourself after what was the emotional bid there? Was there an emotional bid? Did I recognize one from what these gentlemen talked about on the show and have realistic expectations, as Johnny said, it's impossible to catch every single one of them. And that's not the goal. We're not here to make you perfectionists. We're actually here to make you more connected. And when you start recognizing them, even if you miss a few, you miss most of them, the simple act of recognizing and turning towards one or two in your interaction, changes, everything like that. Executive coaching client literally changed his marriage. And of course, once you spot it, turn towards it. There's no reason to be biting or critical or sarcastic, but actually celebrate that moment that this person wants to connect with me. This person values me so much that they're willing to get vulnerable. They're willing to open up. They're willing to share with me.

Speaker 3: Now people will wander. Like there's so many emotions out there. What if I pick the wrong one? And that's actually the cool thing with emotional bits that turning toward an emotional bit is just the turning toward. It doesn't matter if you get the emotion is the specifically, right? So, um, to add yet, another thing that you already said, ha maybe people have to listen with their eyes to see that while I talk with you, I'm a little like slummed over and I don't make eye contact. And I'm like, you know, closed, closed body language. And now you might pick up on an emotional bed and you might say, Oh Michael, you, you look sad, right? Turning toward what's happening here. And maybe you're wrong. And I say, no, no, no, actually, you know what? I'm not sad, but I'm tired. I didn't sleep that much. Right. You turn to what you got it wrong. But that doesn't matter at all. Because you said through reacting to my emotional bit, you said, I care about you. And I see you. And the fact that you mixed up sad and tired, that's that secondary, but you were there reacting to it

Speaker 2: And understand that daily stress wears us down. It makes it difficult for us to see these emotional bids. So managing your own stress will allow you to be a better partner, a better coworker, a better friend, and also understand that self-esteem impacts our ability to see emotional bids. So if you're feeling a little down on yourself, you're lacking in some confidence you need a boost of self-esteem. Well, one definitely check out core confidence, our coaching program, that Michael runs six weeks to get you rock solid confidence and rebuild that self-esteem. But to understand that this is a process of self-development and as your self-esteem starts to pick back up and grow, you're going to start to see that people around you are giving you more signals and you're recognizing more of those signals. And the killer thing about all of this that we talked about going back to Dr. Guttman is soon to be divorced marriages, miss 80% of each other's bids, whereas happy marriages still miss 20%. So think about that predo principle at work, if you're missing 80%, well you're on your way to the courthouse. But if you're missing 20%, you're still, you're getting 80%, right? You're still in a happy, successful marriage. You're still having a great relationship, but that partner, that coworker, that friend,

Speaker 3: And this can sometimes be frustrating for, for you that have now learned about emotional beds. And you're excited to bring those into your daily conversations, but here's the thing. The other person hasn't heard this episode. When you make an emotional bed, they might not pick it up because they don't have that, that knowledge. They don't know what to look for. So don't be frustrated with them. Maybe sent them to us, you know, sent them, share the podcast with them. I'd be like, Hey, I think you need to listen to those three guys. And maybe there's something in there for you.

Speaker 2: Well, one of our X-Factor members did just that he recognized that he was missing these emotional beds and he was worried. He was about to get married. And he was worried that his fiance and him were starting off on the wrong foot. And he grabbed our old toolbox episode on emotional bids and in a car ride, he flipped it on. And afterwards they had a conversation about emotional bids and brought awareness to both of them and how they're showing up in the relationship. So we want to support you in every relationship that you're building and recognize that these are the foundational building blocks to those connections,

Speaker 3: Wrap this up. They are emotional beds all the time out there. And we've given you a bunch of examples and you can also go to the artist, Tromba com slash Bates B IDs to get all nine and you can put them on your screen. But for now the easiest way to think about them is that an emotional is the underlying emotion under that piece of data that the other person gives you that's that is the rule of thumb. That's, that's what you look for. And the way you need to respond to them is with attention or the approval and acceptance, you don't have to commit to cleaning your calendar and going on that trip, you just have to turn towards it and say, Oh yeah, that's a great idea. Or I think that's cool as well that you're already doing it right. And the better you become at recognizing those emotional bets and turning towards the bitter, the more you will build those steep and meaningful relationships, you'll develop your listening skills and you will be a better conversation as well.

Speaker 2: This week, shout out, goes to Steve who's in our X factor accelerator who actually downloaded this toolbox episode and listen to it with his fiance. And they started recognizing each other's emotional bids and supercharging their relationship as they're getting ready to get married. Yay. Steve kudos to you, Steve, not only taking charge of yourself, but allowing your partner to grow along with you. We're really proud of you brother. [inaudible] Johnny Ivan, giddy with excitement to release this episode. In fact, our editor for the show, Brendan tagged us because he was so excited about how this exact episode implemented in his life and changed his relationship with his wife.

Speaker 1: I'm always about the little things that have some of the largest impact and emotional bids certainly fit that bill. And they are one of those things that go unnoticed, unless you were looking for them, but once you identify what they are and you begin using them, they change your perspective, not only of how you're going to relate to other people, but allows you to feel comfortable that you have this extra tool in your back pocket, that you can pull out to help with connection and just deepening your relationships with your loved ones, your friends, coworkers, and they just improve all conversation.

Speaker 2: That's right. And that's why we're so excited to announce that this month implementation session in our X-Factor accelerator mentorship program is dedicated to recognizing and turning towards emotional bits. Every month you get an opportunity to practice conversation and connection. In our X factor, implementation sessions

Speaker 1: Can get live feedback from us. The community is growing, and we want you to be a part of it. Head on over to unlock your X-Factor dot com and apply today.

Speaker 2: That's right. You get an opportunity to work directly with us to finally connect and conversation and build the relationships you deserve. Our emotional bids implementation session is this month. And we cannot wait to work with you. Unlock your X-Factor dot com. This week. Shout out goes to our recent core confidence, graduate Nancy who's taking the leap and a new career path, and that is never easy overcoming self-doubt learning to trust yourself and having the confidence to sell yourself is an unbelievable transformation in just six weeks.

Speaker 4: So prior to core confidence, I, I wouldn't say I had significant self-esteem issues, but I felt uncomfortable reaching out to people to build my business. And it was just like this, this weird thing about what are people going to say? And we're still going to think when I reach it. And so prior to core confidence, I was really, really uncomfortable. And amazingly now I don't actually, it doesn't bother me whatsoever. It's really cool. So I'm excited by that. I've been sending stuff on LinkedIn. I've been reaching out even to people who I knew, who I'm like, okay, are they going to think this is woo-hoo that I am doing hypnosis and, and coaching and yeah, it's, it's turning out to be really good. So

Speaker 2: Six weeks to unstoppable confidence and charisma to reach your dreams is so inspiring. Great work, Nancy, if you're ready to finally overcome your inner critic, beat imposter syndrome and become the confident and powerful best version of yourself. Head over to the art of charm.com/core to join our incredible program. We're excited to make you the next podcast, shout out the art of charm.com/core to learn more and join us this month. Got a question for us. Let us know. We're always excited to hear from you and you can send us your thoughts by going to the art of charm.com/questions. If you love this show, rate it in your favorite podcast. App means the world to me and Johnny, and it helps us get amazing guests on the show. We're so excited to hear what you want the next toolbox episode to be. So go ahead and tag us on social media and let us know what you want to hear from us. The art of charm podcast is produced by Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery until next week. I'm Johnny and I'm a J have a good one.

Speaker 5: [inaudible] [inaudible].

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

AJ Harbinger - author of 1175 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

Email · Google+ · Facebook


in Building A Connection, Confidence, Life Hacks, Making Friends, Marriage & Relationships, Podcast, Self Mastery, Toolbox Episodes

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.