Review By Brian McCarthy
“Women don’t want a man who tries to please them, they want a man who knows how to please himself” – Robert Glover
You know the Nice Guy – he never rocks the boat, gets upset, and will always insist ‘everything is fine’. He’s prides himself on being nice, and considers himself ‘a giver’. He will do anything to make a woman happy and so long as she’s happy, he’s happy. He works hard to be nice hoping it will pay off in the form of an easy life and loving relationships – but he’s frustrated. Though he tries to be everything a woman wants he struggles with relationships. Either he’s (still) single, or despite all his efforts he can’t seem to keep his partner happy. His only solution is to be even nicer. This doesn’t help. In No More Mr. Nice Guy Dr. Glover offers a different solution. He argues that a Nice Guy’s actions stem from misguided beliefs about himself, women, and his role in society. After analyzing the problems with what he calls Nice Guy Syndrome, Glover offers plenty of practices to help shake this way of living in order to have a happier, more fulfilling life.
According to Dr. Glover the problem for a Nice Guy begins at childhood. Very early on in life (despite claiming to have a ‘perfect’ upbringing) he develops a belief that he is not good enough. Terrified of rejection he becomes the person he believes others want him to be. He lives his life trying to please others. He hides his flaws and avoids conflict. He will not make his own needs a priority and instead looks for approval by trying to fix other people’s problems. He becomes a Nice Guy.
It may seem like there’s nothing wrong with this. However in his attempt to please everyone he encounters a host of issues. By avoiding conflict he can often act in a deceptive, manipulative, or passive aggressive manner. His fear of being found imperfect can make him secretive or overly controlling. But the biggest problem is that his “niceness” is not authentic. It’s done with strings attached. There is an underlying “I’m being nice to you so that you will give me attention/affection/acceptance” sentiment that reflects the true motivation of the Nice Guy. His actions come from a place of neediness and an underlying belief that “I am not enough”. People pick up on this and it drives them away. Especially women.
Women don’t respond to nice guys because the way they act is not attractive (To learn what women are hardwires to find attractive read Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen or check out the How to Own a Room Module from the AoC online academy). A Nice Guy is afraid to be himself. He doesn’t want or put himself out there to be rejected or criticized. He’s so scared of saying/doing the wrong thing that he does nothing. He gives the woman all the power in the relationship by always going along with whatever she wants. The fact is: women hate that. They are attracted to a man who can take charge and be a leader. A man who knows himself, what he wants, and is willing to go for it. A man who owns his power and isn’t afraid to live his life on his own terms.
Without realizing it the Nice Guy has created a persona that makes it impossible for women to bond with him. He will insist that ‘everything’s fine’ because he’s afraid any minor disruption and the woman will leave. By acting as if he doesn’t need anything other than ‘for her to be happy’, he is not only lying (whether he’s aware of it or not) but he is putting her in a position of being useless. What he really wants is love and acceptance and she wants to give that to him. She wants to feel important, to have an impact. She wants to care for him and help meet his needs, but she doesn’t know how because he’s hidden that part away from her.
For a Nice Guy the women troubles continue into the bedroom. He tends to have some shame/guilt about being sexual and believes that women see sex as bad or wrong. He is so afraid of being seen as a ‘pig’ or ‘the guy who just wants sex’ that he represses his sexual energy. Because of this women don’t see him in a sexual way and feel no desire to fuck him. He finds himself in the ‘friend zone’ with the women he meets or in a sexually unsatisfying relationship.
When he brings a woman to bed he runs into more trouble. Remember, his mission in life is to ‘make my partner happy’ so he feels he must give her an orgasm. While it’s great he wants to please his partner, he is so outcome dependent he can’t relax and enjoy the experience. This puts a lot of pressure on the woman to have an orgasm, which interferes with her enjoyment as well. His determination to give her an orgasm combined with his fear of doing anything wrong means the Nice Guy will always opt to do ‘whatever worked last time’. This can lead to a stale sex life real quick. Glover emphasizes that good sex comes from having no agenda or expectations. It’s about letting sexual energy unfold. If the Nice Guy can own his sexual desires and remember that women enjoy sex as much as he does, he’ll find much more enjoyment in the bedroom (and be there more frequently).
So it’s obvious, being a Nice Guy sucks. If you’ve recognized some of the aforementioned symptoms in yourself, here are just six of the 40+ practices mentioned in the book to break free from this frustrating way of life:
1. Pamper the shit out of yourself.
Nice Guy syndrome is based on this belief that you’re not enough, so you’ve got to show yourself that you are worthy of good things. Spending time getting your own needs met tells your subconscious that you’re worth something. Go to the gym, go on that fishing trip (alone time is good for discovering who you are and what really matters to you) or maybe even buy that unnecessarily big TV you’ve been eyeing (if you have the cash). Treating yourself well enhances your self-worth. When other people see that you’re worth something they will be more drawn into your life. As Dr. Glover says “by learning to approve of themselves {nice guys} begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them”.
2. Use affirmations.
These can be used to help change your core beliefs about yourself and your own self-worth. Affirmations alone won’t create a lasting change, but use them along with other changes in behavior and you’ll be able to see a difference. Write some affirmations on cards, place them where you’ll see them regularly, and read them multiple times per day. When you read them close your eyes and really feel their meaning. Notice any tendency the mind has to reject what’s being said. You don’t have to fight it, just notice it. Feel free to switch the cards up so they don’t get stale. Some affirmations he recommends: “My needs are important”, “I can handle it”, “People love and accept me just as I am”, “I am lovable just as I am”, “It is OK to be human and make mistakes”. If none of these sound good take some time to think some up or cruise the internet until you find some that really resonate with you.
3. Learn to give up control and surrender.
Glover says “The most important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in love and life is surrender.” Nice Guys are always looking to control/fix things. Running around trying to control a situation makes you a slave to that situation. It’s running the show, not you. Allow yourself to give up control, sit back, and see what you can learn from those moments.
4. Stop hiding your feelings/emotions and start owning them.
This doesn’t mean you have to become a touchy-feely emotional basket case, but never showing anger/sadness/negativity makes it hard for women to connect to you. Women relate through emotion. If your emotions are cut off she can’t get that deep connection that allows her to feel she really knows you and you really know her. Owning your emotions also helps women feel safe. If a woman never sees you upset she has no idea what to expect if you ever become emotionally charged. That can be frightening. If she sees you are able to handle your emotions it’ll help her feel safe around you.
It’s okay for her to see your flaws as well. Glover reminds us that “imperfect humans can only relate with other imperfect humans”. So don’t think you have to come across as someone who has everything under control at all times. Let’s be honest, nobody does.
5. Hang out with other men.
In the attempt to not come across as a macho-asshole-chauvinist-pig the Nice Guy represses the dark side of masculinity at the expensive of the positive aspects of masculinity. Go do guy stuff with other guys. It’ll help you reclaim the masculinity women find attractive (assertiveness, power, thirst for experience, etc). As a bonus by having more going on in your life you will also become less dependent on women for fulfillment.
6. Allow yourself to live your life as YOU see fit.
Follow your own desires, wants, needs, and beliefs. Stop living your life as an attempt to please others. The people who like you for who you are will stay. Those who just wanted something out of you will leave, and you’ll be better for it. Set boundaries in your life and don’t feel you have to take shit from people. If a woman sees you’re willing to stand up for yourself then it shows her you’ll be willing to stand up for her.
Nice Guy Syndrome leads to unsatisfying relationships and a frustrating life. It’s based in the idea that “I am not enough and if I act a certain way people will accept me”. Living by other people’s rules and trying to please everyone else means the Nice Guy gives up all his power. His actions scream “my needs don’t matter” so the world learns to treat him accordingly. By learning to appreciate himself, standing by his beliefs and living by his own rules, he can reclaim the power that will draw more women and happiness into his life.
Get your copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover | Amazon
