In her last visit to The Art of Charm, behavioral investigator and body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards of Science of People told us how to read people like a book.
This time around, Vanessa gives us a glimpse into the science of popularity and practical exercises for maximizing our social attractiveness as detailed in her latest book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People. Listen, learn, and enjoy!
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“I had a choice in my career when I graduated from college,” says Vanessa. “Do I go get a masters and a PhD and run ‘real’ research science with grants and get academically published, or do I open up shop right now and instead of having thirty-six seniors in college who take an experiment, have twenty-two thousand people around the world take it?”
She feels it’s a step in the right direction toward ushering in a new era of citizen science research with a bigger data set and more accurate results not influenced by university politics and limitations.
What does Vanessa believe would be another step in the right direction? Eliminating the phrases “be yourself,” “find your passion,” and “be more authentic” from the popular vernacular. As a shy kid growing up, she found this all to be well-meaning enough — but ultimately lousy — advice when trying to fit in with the cool kids at school. But it didn’t dampen her fascination with what made them cool. And a career path was born.
“I was always kind of fascinated by the cool kids in school,” says Vanessa. “They had this cloud of amazing. They’d walk around, and everyone would be them. I swear to you they would wear…whatever. Overalls, slap bracelets, and everyone the next day was wearing it.
“So I finally found this study that looked at the science of popularity. What they did was they went to high schools and they surveyed kids for their popularity rankings, and why certain kids were popular. They observed the children in their natural habitat. Can you guess what was the distinguishing factor that made the popular kids popular?
“The first thing they found was that the most popular kids smiled the most during the day…it kind of bummed me out. I thought it was boring. But [the second discovery] was that the distinguishing factor between what makes a kid popular is that they like the most other students. That one surprised me! It wasn’t actually that they were most liked — although they were. The popular kids themselves actually liked the most of their other classmates.
“Like more people. Now that’s something that I can work with!”
Listen to this episode of The Art of Charm in its entirety to learn more about how being confident enough to show that you like others goes much further in making you likeable than expressing fear by aloofness, the benefits of knowing the best coffee (or taco) shop in the neighborhood, the differences between a high neurotic and low neurotic, what you should never tell a high neurotic person to do, how to spot indicators of interest, the difference between social attraction and romantic attraction, what we can learn about people from the photographs they use for dating profiles, and lots more.
THANKS, VANESSA VAN EDWARDS!
If you enjoyed this session with Vanessa Van Edwards, let her know by clicking on the link below and sending her a quick shout out at Twitter:
AJ Harbinger - author of 1157 posts on The Art of Charm
AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality.
Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.
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