Ian Kerner | She Comes First (Episode 382)

Female sexuality is quite different than male sexuality.

“For a woman to turn on parts of her brain need to turn off.” -Ian Kerner

The Cheat Sheet:

  • Sexual attention deficit disorder: what is it and how does it relate to porn?
  • Is Ian in favor of or against pornography?
  • What is IELT and why does it matter?
  • How often should couples have sex?
  • What is the sex pyramid?
  • And so much more…

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When it comes to sex do men think about it more than women – or is that just a myth? And if you’re in a relationship how often should you be doing it, how often is healthy? These are just a few of the questions we answer on today’s show.

Joining us is sex and relationship expert and the best-selling author of several books including She Comes First, Ian Kerner. We talk about all of that and more on episode 382 of The Art of Charm.


More About This Show:

Sex is a crucial aspect of a romantic relationship, yet it’s one of those areas most couples (and singles) don’t have the vocabulary to talk about. Ian Kerner is a man on a mission to change that and he’s written several New York Times best-selling books to do so, as well as work with clients in his private practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist.

One of the first things we discuss today is the fact that male and female sexuality are different, despite the fact that our culture treats them the same. A guy typically only needs one sexual cue to get turned on. However a woman often needs multiple cues and her arousal is much more context-oriented.

What that means is a woman often needs a safe, comfortable and secure environment without distractions in order to be fully ready for sex and orgasms. In fact, functional MRI scans have shown that certain parts of a woman’s brain actually dim during arousal, the parts associated with stress, anxiety and high emotion.

So arousal cues different, but do men really think about sex more than women? Not as much as you might believe. Studies of college students have shown that men only think about sex 17-20 times a day while women think about it around 10 times a day. So yes men think about it more, but not that much more.

And once you’re in a sexually active relationship, how often should you be doing it? Ian recommends at least once a week to keep the connection there and to keep that sexual chemistry in the air.

He also recommends using his sex pyramid to keep a good balance of familiarity and novelty to keep your sexual life healthy. The sex pyramid is grouped into multiple types of sex from romantic love-making to fantasy sex to sensual sex.

Ian gives us the full details of how to blend those sex groups on today’s show! We also talk about how to use porn in a healthy way, how to deal with premature ejaculation and much more. Listen in and enjoy! Special thanks to Ian for being here, and thanks to you as well. We’ll see you next time on The Art of Charm.


Resources from this episode:

She Comes First, by Ian Kerner
Good In Bed
The Art of Charm bootcamps

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-The Art of Charm Toolbox
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AJ Harbinger - author of 1152 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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