Esther Perel | Mating in Captivity (Episode 410)

Esther Perel is a brilliant psychotherapist who wrote the bestseller Mating in Captivity. She joins us to share how to appreciate any relationship we have.

Relationships are still complicated.

“We are creatures of meaning and we want to feel we matter.” -Esther Perel

The Cheat Sheet:

  • Why have we lost the value of relational intelligence?
  • How to know if you’re in a role or are being accountable?
  • How to rekindle relationships.
  • Why the first person to apologize holds the power.
  • How can you break the cycle of hostile dependence?
  • And so much more…

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If we’ve been in relationships since the dawn of humankind, why are they still so complicated? Here to answer that question is psychologist Esther Perel. Esther is a two-time TED speaker who wrote the New York Times best-selling book Mating in Captivity.

Today on The Art of Charm, Esther shares why men need more roles than simply the breadwinner, how we can appreciate the relationships we have, and why the quality of our lives really is dependent on the quality of our relationships.

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More About This Show

Esther Perel’s work is groundbreaking and pivotal to today’s perspective on relationships. She is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist who has been profiled by The New York Times and The New Yorker. Her book, Mating in Captivity, is an international bestseller that has been published in 24 different languages.

Obviously, she knows a few things about the world of relationships! And on today’s show she discusses why relationships are still complicated after thousands of years, why men deserve more freedom in their accepted roles in life, and how we can rekindle any neglected relationship.

Although we’ve been in relationships as long as we’ve been in existence, we’re still experiencing significant challenges and problems in our relationships. Why haven’t we figured it out yet?

Esther says it’s because we have so many more choices today — something we’ve never had before. Couple that with our adopted attitude of novelty and replacement and you’ll understand why fewer people stay together through the difficult times.

What if you are one of those couples who is navigating a difficult time and you want to rekindle the spark you once had together? The first step is to acknowledge your role in the situation. Ask yourself if you’re treating your partner the way you treat your clients? Are you as good to your significant other as you are to other people in your life? If the answer is ‘no,’ then say so to your partner.

Once you’ve acknowledged your lack of appreciation, start appreciating that person more. Don’t save the gratitude for anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day. Do something for them. Give them the day off from being a mom or a caretaker. Take care of them for a change, and show your appreciation for all they do.

If you’re away on a business trip, write a letter thanking your significant other for the things they do to make your life better — from taking care of the house while you’re gone to caring for your kids, etc. You’ll feel elevated by elevating and showing your gratitude for them.

Esther also spells out how we can defuse any argument no matter the subject, and explains something called ‘hostile dependence’ and how to let go of it in any relationship. Have a listen to episode 410 of The Art of Charm.

THANKS, ESTHER PEREL!

If you enjoyed this session with Esther, let her know by clicking on the link below and sending her a quick shout out on Twitter:

Click here to thank Esther on Twitter!

Resources from this episode:

Esther Perel’s website
Esther’s special AoC bonus
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Esther Perel on Twitter
Esther’s TED Talks
The Art of Charm bootcamps

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Jordan Harbinger - author of 785 posts on The Art of Charm

Jordan Harbinger has spent several years abroad in Europe and the developing world, including South America, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East, and speaks several languages. He has also worked for various governments and NGOs overseas, traveled through war zones, and been kidnapped -- twice. He’ll tell you the only reason he’s still alive and kicking is because of his ability to talk his way into (and out of) just about any type of situation. Here at The Art of Charm, Jordan shares that experience, and the system borne as a result, with students and clients.

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