In today’s episode, we cover assertive self-talk with Gary John Bishop. Gary is one of the world’s leading personal development experts and the author of New York Times best-seller, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life.
How you talk to yourself can mean the difference between success and failure, but what is the “right way” to talk to yourself, how do you avoid negative self-talk, and what can you start doing today to build the future you want and deserve?
Gary John Bishop brings a refreshingly blunt approach to personal development. His philosophy cuts through the feel-good platitudes that dominate the self-help space and delivers hard truths about what it really takes to change your life. This isn’t about positive thinking your way to success. It’s about fundamentally rewiring how you talk to yourself and taking decisive action.
The Gary John Bishop Philosophy: Beyond Positive Thinking
Gary’s approach differs radically from traditional self-help because it rejects the idea that thinking positive thoughts is enough to change your life. Instead, he focuses on what he calls “assertive self-talk” and action-oriented change.
His core premise is simple but powerful: you are responsible for your life, period. No excuses, no victim mentality, no waiting for perfect conditions. This isn’t about blame or shame. It’s about recognizing that you have the power to change your circumstances through deliberate thought and action.
Gary’s Scottish background brings a no-nonsense directness that many people find liberating. He doesn’t sugarcoat hard truths or pretend that change is easy. Instead, he provides practical tools for people who are ready to do the work required for real transformation.
What to Listen For
- What can you do to overcome a victim mentality so it doesn’t set you up for failure moving forward?
- What can we do to overcome the victim mentality many of us feel after during or after a shitstorm like 2020?
- Why is changing our behavior crucial to changing our lives and why is positive thinking not enough?
- Why is it important for your own development to seek out challenges that force you out of your comfort zone?
- What is the difference between assertive self-talk and narrative self-talk, and why should you avoid one because it sets you up for failure?
- Why do words matter when it comes to describing our life experience and how do we choose words that don’t set us up for failure?
- What is wisdom and what can you do to become wise?
- What can you do to not get bitter or salty as you get older?
- What is a shitstorm and how do they help us develop strength and wisdom?
- What great exercise can you start doing today to be more positive about your future?
Escaping the Victim Mentality Trap
One of Gary’s most powerful insights is about victim mentality and how it sabotages our potential. He doesn’t dismiss real trauma or hardship. Instead, he focuses on how we can move beyond identifying with our suffering.
Victim mentality isn’t about the terrible things that happen to us. It’s about making those things the central narrative of our identity. When we define ourselves by our wounds, we give away our power to change our circumstances.
Gary explains that events like 2020’s global challenges can either strengthen us or confirm our victim status. The difference lies in how we interpret and respond to these difficulties. Do we see them as proof that life is against us, or as opportunities to develop resilience and wisdom?
The key is recognizing that while you can’t control what happens to you, you can control what you do about it. This shift from victim to victor isn’t about denying pain or pretending everything is fine. It’s about reclaiming your agency to create positive change despite difficult circumstances.
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Assertive vs. Narrative Self-Talk: The Critical Difference
Gary makes a crucial distinction between assertive self-talk and narrative self-talk. Understanding this difference can transform how you approach personal change.
Narrative self-talk is the story you tell yourself about who you are and why things happen to you. This often reinforces limiting beliefs and keeps you stuck in patterns that don’t serve you. Examples include “I’m not good with money,” “I always mess up relationships,” or “I’m just not lucky.”
Assertive self-talk, on the other hand, focuses on action and possibility. Instead of stories about why you can’t change, you use language that moves you toward your goals. Examples include “I am learning to manage money better,” “I am becoming a better partner,” or “I am creating my own opportunities.”
The power of assertive self-talk lies in its present-tense, action-oriented nature. It doesn’t require you to believe you’re already perfect. It simply requires you to commit to the process of improvement.
This isn’t about lying to yourself or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about choosing language that empowers rather than limits you. Your brain believes what you consistently tell it, so why not choose empowering messages?
Why Behavior Change Trumps Positive Thinking
The words we use to describe ourselves and the world around us determine how we live our lives and express ourselves to the people we meet, so the language we use can set us up for success or failure, and beyond that, your language must be backed up by action or all the words in the world won’t save you from disaster. Everyday we wake up, we are hitting the reset button and have the opportunity to take steps toward where we want to be, or take steps away from it by doing the same things we’ve always done.
Gary emphasizes that positive thinking without action is just fantasy. You can visualize success all day long, but without concrete behavior changes, nothing will improve in your life.
The reason most people fail at change isn’t because they don’t want it badly enough. It’s because they focus on thinking differently instead of acting differently. Your brain learns through repetition of behavior, not through repetition of thoughts.
When you consistently take actions aligned with your goals, you literally rewire your brain to support those behaviors. This creates lasting change that doesn’t depend on willpower or motivation. You become the type of person who naturally does the things that create the results you want.
This is why Gary focuses on daily actions rather than big transformative moments. Small, consistent behaviors compound over time to create dramatic life changes. The key is identifying which behaviors move you toward your goals and which move you away from them.
The Power of Seeking Out Challenges
One of Gary’s most counterintuitive teachings is that you should actively seek out challenges that force you out of your comfort zone. Most people try to avoid discomfort, but this keeps them stuck in mediocrity.
Comfort zones are dangerous because they create the illusion of safety while actually making you more vulnerable. When you avoid challenges, you don’t develop the skills and resilience needed to handle bigger problems when they inevitably arise.
Challenging yourself deliberately builds confidence in your ability to handle uncertainty and difficulty. Each time you successfully navigate a challenging situation, you prove to yourself that you’re more capable than you realized.
This doesn’t mean being reckless or taking unnecessary risks. It means gradually expanding your comfort zone by taking on progressively bigger challenges. Start with small discomforts and work your way up to bigger ones.
The goal isn’t to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. The goal is to develop confidence in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you. This confidence becomes a foundation for taking the risks necessary for growth and success.
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The Art of Being Wise: Gary’s Definition of Wisdom
Gary has a unique perspective on wisdom that differs from traditional definitions. For him, wisdom isn’t about accumulating knowledge or having all the answers. It’s about developing the ability to see situations clearly and respond effectively.
Wise people aren’t necessarily the smartest people in the room. They’re the ones who can cut through complexity and focus on what actually matters. They don’t get caught up in drama or distracted by things they can’t control.
Wisdom comes from experience, but more specifically, it comes from learning from experience. Many people go through difficult situations without extracting the lessons. Wise people actively look for what each experience can teach them.
This requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to admit when you’ve made mistakes. You can’t learn from experiences you don’t acknowledge or take responsibility for. Wisdom requires humility.
Gary also emphasizes that wisdom is practical, not theoretical. It’s not about understanding abstract concepts but about knowing how to navigate real-world situations effectively. Wisdom shows up in your decisions and actions, not just in your thoughts.
Embracing Shitstorms: How Adversity Creates Strength
Gary’s concept of “shitstorms” is central to his philosophy. These are the inevitable difficult periods that everyone faces. Instead of trying to avoid them, Gary teaches that we should learn to navigate them skillfully.
Shitstorms aren’t punishment or evidence that you’re doing something wrong. They’re part of life, and how you handle them determines whether you emerge stronger or more damaged. The goal isn’t to avoid all problems but to develop the skills to handle them effectively.
Each shitstorm you successfully navigate builds your confidence and resilience. You learn that you can survive difficulties, which makes you less afraid of future challenges. This fearlessness becomes a competitive advantage in life.
The key is maintaining perspective during difficult times. Remember that this too shall pass, and focus on what you can control rather than what you can’t. Use the pressure to clarify your priorities and strip away what doesn’t really matter.
Many people emerge from shitstorms with greater wisdom and stronger relationships. The people who support you during tough times prove their loyalty, while fair-weather friends reveal their true nature. This clarity is valuable, even though it can be painful.
Preventing Bitterness and Salt: Aging with Grace
Gary addresses a common problem: people becoming bitter and cynical as they age. This isn’t inevitable, but it does require conscious effort to prevent.
Bitterness usually comes from unprocessed disappointment and unmet expectations. When you hold onto resentment about how things “should” have gone, you poison your present experience. The antidote is acceptance and focus on what you can still create.
Staying positive as you age requires continuing to grow and challenge yourself. People become stagnant when they stop learning and trying new things. Keep setting goals and pursuing interests, regardless of your age.
It also helps to focus on what you’re grateful for rather than what you’ve lost. Every stage of life has losses and gains. Wisdom lies in appreciating the gifts of each season rather than mourning what’s behind you.
Maintain relationships with younger people who can bring fresh perspectives and energy into your life. Don’t isolate yourself with people who only want to complain about how things used to be better. Stay engaged with the world as it is, not as you wish it were.
Practical Exercises for Daily Transformation
Gary provides concrete exercises that you can implement immediately to start changing your life. These aren’t complex or time-consuming, but they require consistency to be effective.
Start each morning by stating three assertive statements about who you are becoming. These should be positive, present-tense declarations that align with your goals. For example: “I am becoming more disciplined,” “I am developing courage,” “I am creating abundance.”
Throughout the day, catch yourself when you slip into victim language or narrative self-talk. Don’t judge yourself, just notice and redirect. Replace “I always” and “I never” statements with more empowering language.
End each day by identifying one thing you did that moved you toward your goals and one thing you could do better tomorrow. This builds awareness of which actions serve you and which don’t.
When facing difficult decisions, ask yourself: “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then do that, regardless of how you feel in the moment. Action creates identity, not the other way around.
Set weekly challenges that push you slightly outside your comfort zone. These don’t have to be dramatic, just uncomfortable enough to build your confidence in handling uncertainty.
The Language of Success: Choosing Words That Empower
Gary emphasizes that the specific words you use to describe your experience shape your reality. This isn’t mystical thinking; it’s basic psychology. Your brain responds to the language you feed it.
Instead of saying “I have to,” say “I choose to.” This subtle shift reminds you that most things in life are choices, even when they don’t feel like it. This increases your sense of agency and control.
Replace “I can’t” with “I don’t” when describing behaviors you want to change. “I can’t eat sugar” suggests you’re deprived, while “I don’t eat sugar” suggests you’ve made a powerful choice about who you are.
Use “yet” when describing skills you haven’t developed. “I’m not good at public speaking yet” implies that change is possible and expected. This maintains hope and motivation during the learning process.
Describe problems as “challenges” or “opportunities for growth.” This doesn’t minimize their difficulty but frames them in a way that empowers rather than victimizes you.
Building Your Future Through Present Actions
Gary’s most powerful exercise involves visualizing your future self and then working backward to identify the daily actions that create that outcome. This bridges the gap between dreams and reality.
Spend time each week visualizing yourself five years from now, living the life you want. Be specific about what you see, feel, and experience in this future. Don’t just focus on external achievements but on who you’ve become as a person.
Then ask yourself: What daily habits would that future version of yourself have? What decisions would they make? How would they handle setbacks and challenges? What would they prioritize?
Start implementing those behaviors and decisions today, even in small ways. You don’t have to transform overnight, but you can start making choices aligned with your future self immediately.
Track these behaviors consistently. What gets measured gets improved. Create systems that make it easy to maintain the behaviors that serve your goals and difficult to engage in behaviors that don’t.
Remember that your future is created by your present actions, not your past mistakes. Every day is a reset button where you can choose to move toward or away from the life you want.
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Resources from this Episode
- Gary John Bishop’s website
- Wise As Fu*k by Gary John Bishop
- Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop
- Stop Doing That Sh*t by Gary John Bishop
- Do The Work by Gary John Bishop
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Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to see results from Gary John Bishop’s approach?
Gary emphasizes that change happens through consistent daily action, not overnight transformation. You might notice shifts in your mindset within days, but lasting behavioral change typically takes 6-8 weeks of consistent practice. The key is focusing on progress, not perfection.
What’s the difference between Gary’s approach and traditional positive thinking?
Traditional positive thinking focuses on changing your thoughts and hoping your circumstances improve. Gary’s approach focuses on changing your actions and letting your thoughts follow. He emphasizes that behavior change creates lasting transformation, while positive thinking alone often fails because it’s not backed up by action.
How do I apply assertive self-talk when I’m dealing with serious problems?
Assertive self-talk isn’t about pretending problems don’t exist or that everything is fine. It’s about choosing language that empowers you to take action rather than language that reinforces helplessness. Instead of “This always happens to me,” try “I’m learning how to handle this situation better.”
What if I don’t believe the assertive statements I’m telling myself?
Gary addresses this common concern by explaining that you don’t need to believe these statements initially. You just need to say them consistently and back them up with aligned actions. Your brain will start to believe what you consistently tell it and demonstrate through behavior. Start with statements that feel slightly uncomfortable but not completely unbelievable.
Check in with AJ and Johnny!
