Review by Brian McCarthy
There are plenty of books on body language briefly that touch on the impact of eye contact. However this subject finally gets covered in the depth and details it deserves in the book The Power of Eye Contact: Your Secret for Success in Business, Love, and Life | Amazon
Why does it matter?
Whether you like it or not your eye contact will have an influence on how other people perceive you. When used properly it can establish a connection and understanding deeper than words could. It can generate trust, appreciation, and allow the other person to feel as though you care not only about what she has to say, but for her as an individual.
A lack of contact however, can generate negative effects. It can make it feel as though a barrier exists between the two people in the interaction. It can show insecurity, nervousness, fear, etc. A person unable to make eye contact can give the impression that he isn’t worthy of looking the other person in the eye, or that the other person isn’t worth the time.
Psychologists have their theories on why eye contact has come to matter so much in our modern day world. Erik Erikson, the famous child psychologist, believes that we begin to value eye contact as babies as it lets us know that there is someone there to care for us.
From an evolutionary perspective, eye contact allows for trust. By showing someone our eyes we are giving them a glimpse into our emotional state. This gives others a chance to truly see and understand us.
The idea that eye contact allows other people to truly see us is the foundation for why it has such power. “People crave authenticity” says Ellsberg, and while words and body language can give off false impressions and cover the truth, eye contact allows the other person a raw glimpse into our present state.
The Power of Eye Contact in Dating
Attraction
Eye contact projects confidence and, according to a study cited in the book, increases feelings of attraction in both men and women. When first meeting a women strong eye contact should be accompanied with a relaxed smile (by relaxed smile I mean your mouth is a little open and your jaw is loose). Strong eye contact from a non-smiling stranger is liable freaking the girl out, so the relaxed smile is key.
If you find yourself briefly making eye contact with a girl you don’t know, then she looks away and within 45 seconds you lock eyes again, it’s an invitation from her for you to approach. In these situations be sure that you are not the one who looks away first. Doing so shows insecurity and she may lose that attraction.
It’s not just how you make the eye contact that has an effect on how she feels about you, but what goes through your mind when you make that contact makes a difference. Guys that are on the prowl are easily spotted and often give off that “creepy” vibe just by the way they look at women. Their thoughts usually revolve around seeing a woman as a sex object. Women pick up on this and it turns them off. If you’re meeting a woman and you’re thoughts are more along the lines of “who is this amazing girl? I want to get to know her” that internal state will be reflected through your eyes and it will allow her to feel much more comfortable meeting you. See her with compassion, vulnerability, presence, and curiosity. Look at her the way she wants to be looked at –a way that shows appreciation, and that you value her as a person.
Sexual Tension
When you’re at the point where you want to take things further you can use your eyes to turn things sexual. Lose the smile, but keep that strong eye contact and it’ll ramp up the sexual tension (now is the time to have those thoughts of the two of you ‘getting it on’ as that sexuality will shine through in the way you look at her). When you want to release that tension bring the smile back into play. Building and releasing sexual tension like this is incredibly powerful. It shows you are capable of taking things to that level, but you have control over it and won’t push her into something she’s not ready for.
Rapport
Remember eye contact is all about authenticity. So let her see you while looking to see her for who she really is. Look into her eyes and see if you can find exactly what it is she wants (this has nothing to do with any superficial/material desires; we’re going way deeper than that). Look for the part of her that wants to love, to be loved, to be appreciated, and see if you can find just how she wants to experience those feelings. Tell her through your eyes that you see her, appreciate her, and are there for her.
(This can sound kinda “woo woo” but we’ve likely all been in situations where eye contact has been able to say more than words ever could. Follow the advice from this book and you’ll find yourself in more and more of those kind of moments.)
Continuing the Relationship
As the relationship goes forward eye contact will continue to play a primary role. Intimacy and eye contact go hand in hand. No matter what stage of the relationship you’re in an increase in one will lead to natural increase in the other. If you ever feel like the two of you are losing that connection, spend more time looking into one another’s eyes (more on this later).
The Power of Eye Contact In business
Networking
Eye contact is huge in business and networking. When talking with someone you may want to do business with keep your eyes on him as if he’s the only person in the room. It’ll help him feel as though you appreciate and understand him and what he has to offer. By making him feel appreciated he’ll want to see what he can give back to you.
Public Speaking
The key to public speaking is to make a genuine connection with the audience. You want to talk as if you’re saying your words to somebody, not just throwing them out and hoping someone picks them up. To create this effect, start by taking your time. Before you start speaking take a few moments (Ellseberg recommends 3-5 heartbeats) to scan the room and make eye contact with individuals in the audience. If it’s a small gathering look at everyone. If it’s large just connect with a handful of people. Once you start talking don’t refer to notes/slides but continue to scan the audience, spending a few seconds talking directly to particular individuals. The audience will feel a deeper connection with you and what you’re saying.
Basics of Eye contact: How to do it
I’m sure plenty of guys want the exact structure for “correct eye contact”. They want to know where to focus and for how long. However, there’s no real set pattern or script. It’s more about following general guidelines and developing intuition.
As far as the guidelines go, looking at one eye is okay (better if rapport exists, doing it with someone you’re just meeting can be intense) but it’s best to have your focus go from one eye to the next every few seconds. Remember to smile, breathe easily, and don’t take it too seriously.
It’s also important to have a soft gaze when making eye contact. It makes the other person feel more at ease. To get an idea of what a ‘soft gaze’ means, pick something in the room with you and imagine staring at it as if you were trying to burn a hole through it. That’s a hard gaze. Look at that same object but this time imagine it was the single most beautiful thing you have ever seen in your life and will never see again. That’s a soft gaze.
While there are basic principles, Ellsberg says eye contact should be like a dance. Knowing when to make/break eye contact is more of a feeling so trust your instincts. The more you practice the easier the dance becomes. When you try to do eye contact, when you try to establish a connection, it implies there isn’t already a connection there. Trust that there is one and allow the eye contact to simply reveal that connection.
At the end of the day good eye contact isn’t about strict mechanics. Don’t worry so much about “doing it right” and focus more on appreciating the person you’re talking to while allowing yourself to be vulnerable. There’s a beautiful quote in the book by Marie Forleo that sums up how to truly “do” eye contact: “Look at the people around you as the human beings that they are, and then eye contact will come naturally and perfectly”.
Exercises
Here are just a few of the handful of exercises in the book that will help you improve your eye contact in just a few weeks.
Eye contact with strangers
Look at passing strangers on the street long enough to notice their eye color. Start looking when you’re 3-4 paces away. Break eye contact by looking away laterally (looking down shows shame, looking over them shows superiority). You can also practice keeping eye contact with cashiers/waitresses/sales people as they are expected to be social and often appreciate when someone takes the time to notice them. Spend a few weeks making a point to make eye contact with people throughout the day, and eventually you’ll begin to do it naturally.
Eye Gazing
To get a deeper understanding of the physiological effects and the feelings generated through prolonged eye contact try exploring it with a friend. Sit about two feet away and make eye contact for increasingly longer amounts of time. Start with two seconds of solid eye contact before looking away. Then 5 seconds. Then 10. Then 30. Then 1 minute. Then 3 minutes. Keep that soft gaze and remember to blink (it’s not a staring contest) and roll with whatever comes up. If you feel like laughing, then laugh. Just go through the process and see how you feel and how those feelings change.
Intimate Eye Gazing
If there’s a girl you are currently seeing or would like to be intimate with, you can practice this kind of eye gazing with her. Sit together on a couch and tell her about this ‘eye gazing’ thing you were reading about and that you two should try it. Sit a foot or two away and softly gaze into one another’s eyes for 3-5 minutes. Let the connection take place. Allow yourself to show her who you are at that moment, and to see who she really is. It will feel weird at first and you’ll both probably laugh, but continue anyway. The two of you might just experience a mutual depth of connection and sexual chemistry that wasn’t there before.
Go Read It
The Power of Eye Contact is a quick, easy read with real-world anecdotes as well as interviews with psychologists, business leaders, and even dating expert Lance Mason. As always there’s much more information I didn’t have room to cover (for instance an entire chapter on eye contact and intimidation) as well as more exercises and a glimpse into the female perspective of dating and eye contact. For anybody looking to improve their ability to connect with others, it’s well worth the read.
Get your copy of The Power of Eye Contact: Your Secret for Success in Business, Love, and Life | Amazon
