Having a baby is a stressful, transformative experience for even the most prepared couples. Here, we talk about how to survive the ordeals — and enjoy the rewards — of parenthood together.
“During that [first] three months, you’re so tired…you don’t even have time to notice there are problems in the relationship.” -Marni Kinrys
The Cheat Sheet:
- Why have a baby in the first place? How do you know when you’re ready?
- Pregnancy brain and mommy brain — why it’s real and why it can hurt your relationship.
- Why babies and women are not always a match made in Heaven.
- How women feel after having a baby — struggles, lower confidence, confused identity.
- What can men can do to help women get through this period of time?
- And so much more…
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Marni Kinrys has been coaching men for the past decade on how to get a girl, and now she wants to tell them how to keep the girl — especially when times get tough. She and her husband recently had their first baby, and quickly discovered that adding children can be very challenging for even the best relationships. As she says: “I truly believe that having children is the hardest thing a marriage has to go through, and many don’t make it out alive.”
It’s important to remember that having a baby together is a transformative experience for any couple, and the relationship must make adaptations to survive. It’s a balancing act with shifting priorities, but partners need to be as supportive of one another as they are of the new life they’re raising. In episode 426 of The Art of Charm, Marni talks to us about how she and her husband make time to share the burdens — as well as the joys — of being first-time parents.
More About This Show
When Wing Girl Marni Kinrys and her husband decided to have a baby, she concedes that she wasn’t quite ready. Sure, she knew about everything that new parents should be prepared to endure — the sleepless nights, any semblance of a social life being put on the backburner, the loss of “alone” time, etc. But the reality turned out to be even more overwhelming than expected.
As a business owner, it seemed (to her) like she had everything under control at the beginning. Just minutes after delivering, she was already on the phone to check emails and make important calls. She had this.
Over the next three months, Marni noticed that she and her husband had stopped communicating beyond a very perfunctory level. It took a blowout argument to reveal that each had been letting negative feelings about the other build up. There was a sense of mutual neglect that grew from one simple seed: they had stopped exchanging niceties.
While they’d been focusing on the surface needs of raising a child together, they’d forgotten to nurture one another with the psychological and emotional reassurances crucial to every relationship’s survival — which became isolating for both of them.
Getting Beyond Frantic Mode
Even though the baby was sleeping well and eating without fuss, she and her husband were in what she calls “frantic mode,” where they’d cater to the needs of the baby in a never-ending, Groundhog Day-like loop. It wore on them. When the argument finally forced them to communicate, Marni and her husband came to an understanding that would give their relationship the balance it needed: he would take care of her and her emotions, and she would take care of their son.
“Being taken care of does not mean being babied,” Marni clarifies. “It means telling me that I am doing a good job in making the decisions that I’m making as a mom. Appreciating me for doing things that I’ve never done before — that he may…think I know how to do because I’m a woman, but I have no freaking clue and I’m just as scared as you are! Giving me a hug at the end of the day…”
“I can give back when I am receiving those things, but when you’re being literally sucked dry by a child and you’re not getting support and love from your partner, it’s really difficult to keep going,” Marni says. “And [he] asks for the same thing.”
Marni references the show we did with Harville Hendrix (episode 362) in which he tells us how he and his wife exchange three reasons they’re grateful for each other — every single day. Marni and her husband have adopted this technique for their relationship; by devoting time to one another specifically for affirmation, they make sure they’re not skipping over the niceties and letting animosity boil over into further arguments.
“We try to give each other hugs as much as possible,” Marni says. “It still becomes challenging when you’re tired, but it definitely helps. And having an open line of communication and being comfortable enough to say the things that are on my mind — that’s what has really helped.”
What can the partner who’s not staying home with the baby all day do to help? Not questioning in the moment or scowling at requests can go a long way toward alleviating whatever stresses the at-home parent has been going through.
To illustrate, Marni’s mother recently told her about how baby Marni would be handed off to Dad for playtime when he got home, and she would immediately start crying. The solution, Mom said, was for him to simply stand up. But Dad wanted to stay seated, so baby Marni would keep crying. This did two things: it kept Mom from enjoying a few minutes free of the sound of a wailing infant for the first time all day, and it made Mom feel unheard and unsupported.
This isn’t to say that Dad was undeserving of relaxation time of his own, but giving Mom just a half hour of peace to herself would have made a world of difference — for her, for their relationship, for the baby’s tiny and tired lungs, and for him not having to worry about being smothered in his sleep.
Thankfully, they’re still married after forty-some-odd years; their relationship was strong enough to survive the trials and tribulations of child rearing. But not all are.
Why Saying “Yes, Dear” is No Help
Many men wrongfully suggest that answering “yes, dear” to everything the wife is saying (or vice versa if the husband is the parent staying home) is the secret to such a relationship. Really, Marni says, the key is each party taking into account the needs of their partner, how they fit into a given scenario, and devising a plan together.
To this end, Marni and her husband have a weekly meeting to discuss tasks that need to be completed and bring up whatever happens to be on their minds. She says it helps them both stay sane, calm, and clear on what their roles are for the following week.
Every Monday, Marni sets an agenda. Halfway through the day, she sends it over to her husband for review. That night, they go through the agenda together. It can address anything from who’s making dinner on what night for the week ahead to their sex life to who takes the car in for maintenance. It makes sure that both are accountable for something — nobody gets stuck with the unenviable chore of nagging the other when something’s left undone; it’s all on the list, and the responsible party takes ownership of it.
Not only does this agenda ensure both parties share the duties that keep the family functional, but it makes sure neither misses out on spending time with the child while he’s growing up. It’s these precious hours that remind Marni why people have kids — and that the stress and transformation imposed on every other aspect of life are completely justified.
Listen to this episode of The Art of Charm in its entirety for more advice that Marni has for men and women coping with pregnancy and the baby’s first year. She admits that she’s still seeking balance, but her experiences have lessons to teach for anyone considering taking their relationship to this level.
THANKS, MARNI KINRYS!
Resources from this episode:
Get Inside Her: Dirty Dating Tips & Secrets From A Woman On How To Attract, Seduce And Get Any Female You Want by Marni Kinrys
The Art of Charm bootcamps
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-The Art of Charm Toolbox
-Best of The Art of Charm Podcast
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