If being parked in a bad dating pattern is your idea of a comfort zone, consider how a little discomfort will take you to a far better place.
“Imagine two dysfunctional puzzle pieces out in the universe with a magnet…” -Marni Battista
The Cheat Sheet:
- If you want to date out of your league, you just have to be 10% better than 90% of the guys out there.
- 10 things women wish you knew.
- How can we stop terrible dating patterns?
- Why do we keep dating people who are bad for us?
- Screening out the crazies (or screening them in, if that’s what you’re into).
- And so much more…
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When it comes to repeatedly dating people who aren’t good for us, how do our mistakes become patterns, and how can we break these patterns? Some of us can trace a long string of doomed relationships back to how we were treated by a middle school crush. Others follow a template learned from observing how dysfunctional parents interacted with one another. A better future free of whatever shackles us to the past is possible, but it’s up to us to make the deliberate choice to change.
In episode 422 of The Art of Charm, we talk to self-declared “former crazy ex-girlfriend” Marni Battista about how we arrive at a point when we can commit to breaking bad dating patterns — instead of succumbing to the short-term, addiction-like rush we’ve come to associate with them.
More About This Show
Dating with Dignity founder Marni Battista is a certified professional dating relationship coach and expert; her advice has appeared in Cosmopolitan Magazine, Men’s Fitness, Yahoo! Shine, Glamour, YourTango.com, Huffington Post, CupidsPulse.com, and more.
While Marni does specialize in helping women identify and break bad dating patterns, much of her advice is applicable regardless of gender. In this podcast, we share a little something for everyone.
Relative Charm Factor
If you date enough annoying or crazy people, you begin to see such behavior as normal. You might settle for someone only a little less crazy than your last relationship because you no longer have a baseline by which to guide your judgment of what “normal” entails. Marni calls this the Relative Charm Factor.
If you think of potential dates along the “hot vs. annoying/crazy” scale, you might want to address this.
Coping and rationalizing becomes a default. It’s a plateau. If you really want an awesome, intimate, hot relationship with someone who fills your heart and soul and who you find attractive, you may have to say no for the greater yes.
Just Saying No for the Greater Yes
It’s hard to distance ourselves from our bad patterns because, at their core, there’s something about them that feels good for at least the short term. There’s a chemistry that works like an addiction — Marni calls it “man crack” (or “chick crack,” depending).
To break such a pattern, you have to remind yourself to say no to the “crack.” You’re saying no for now because you’re looking for something better. Saying no to something that feels good — even for the short term — is never easy, but it’s essential if you ever want to dig yourself out of the Relative Charm Factor rut.
Can We Change Our Programming?
If the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of going for the unknown, we stand a chance of reprogramming ourselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s some “never again!” epiphany that brings us to make the decision to do so or if it’s a slow realization over time; what matters is that we want to make a change for the better.
Marni’s epiphany came when the relationship between her and her first husband reached its breaking point. In a scenario she says couldn’t get more desperate or humiliating, she found herself on her knees in the driveway, begging him not to leave. The immediate desire to change in that moment came less from trying to find a better relationship for herself than to set a better example for their three daughters and help them avoid bad patterns by emulation — but it was the “why?” moment that she needed to move forward.
“I don’t care what it takes to change my stripes,” she said, “I’m doing it.”
Oh, Crumbs.
When you’re ready to break away from a bad relationship, but you keep getting sucked back in by the possibility (but improbability) of improvement, Marni calls these empty promises “crumbs.”
It could be the other person telling you that they’ll never do [enter repeated terrible behavior here] again, or that they really love you, or that they’re sorry, or all of the above; in desperation, you settle for the toxic morsels of the familiar over whatever feast awaits you if you could just get out of this lousy situation.
Identifying the Pattern
If you make a list of people you’ve dated — in the past or in the present — you may find some striking consistencies in their traits. Marni says that she had a tendency to go out with “fixer-uppers” — that is, wounded, emotionally flawed men who she convinced herself she could change for the better.
“I’m going to be so awesome…I’m going to fix him and heal him and make him happy,” she would say to herself, but this attitude really said more about her than the men she was trying to “fix.” In reflection, she realizes that “if we have low self-worth, then fixing someone else…makes us feel good. And then we also don’t have to deal with ourselves. It’s how we get our validation and self-worth and importance.”
How to Break the Pattern
Ask yourself these things:
What do I really want in a relationship? It sounds basic, but knowing what you don’t want isn’t quite the same as knowing what you do want. It’s not even the same as knowing what you should want. Be honest and realistic, but don’t be afraid to dream big.
If I want that, why haven’t I been able to get it? First, try and identify the unconscious gain of not breaking the pattern — that is, choosing to stay the same. If the only thing to be gained by remaining with what’s familiar is a permanent parking spot in the comfort zone, maybe it’s time to consider what good a little discomfort can do. Meeting new people and doing new things may seem like a terrifying prospect to someone set in a bad pattern, but — like everything else — it gets easier with practice.
How can I avoid backsliding into my old, bad patterns? While your resolve to get what you want may be strong, real-world variables may influence you to slide back into bad habits. Preparing yourself with structure, support, and accountability sets you up for success. Check out the abundant advice available at sites like Marni’s own Dating with Dignity and, of course, The Art of Charm. Talk to others who have walked the same walk. Put what you’ve learned into action, and let the positive reinforcement that results from interacting with others honestly and openly grow your confidence and resolve.
10 Percent Better Than 90 Percent
Marni lets the gents in our audience in on a little secret: if you can be 10 percent better than 90 percent of the men out there, you can date women you might have once considered “out of your league.”
How do you do this? It’s simple: you just need to understand what women want. This has nothing to do with how much money you make or what kind of car you drive, or how in shape you are. The key is being considerate in how you treat them. Call when you say you’re going to call. Instead of texting all the time, pick up the phone. Respond to the emails she sends. Treat her with respect. Don’t take her for granted.
It’s basic stuff, really, but you have the inconsiderate 90% of the men out there to thank for setting the bar so low!
In episode 422 of The Art of Charm, we also touch on Marni’s list of 10 things women wish you knew, and Jordan shares a story that’s funny because it didn’t happen to him. Please listen and enjoy!
THANKS, MARNI BATTISTA!
Resources from this episode:
Dating with Dignity
The Dating Den
The Art of Charm bootcamps
You’ll also like:
-The Art of Charm Toolbox
-Best of The Art of Charm Podcast
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