Toolbox | Defeat Your Deepest Fears and Become Unstoppable

In today’s episode, we cover becoming unstoppable with AJ, Johnny, and Michael. 

Anyone can develop confidence that makes you unstoppable, but what does it even mean to be unstoppable, what is stopping you from being more confident today, and why does avoiding the process lead to feeling miserable?

What to Listen For

  • Why do most people never become confident? – 3:22 
  • What is the biggest misconception people have about developing confidence?
  • What are the 3 reasons people can’t start being more confident? – 5:30 
  • What assumptions do you make about other people that get in the way of developing your confidence?
  • What does a real-world definition of confidence look like?
  • What does it mean to have unstoppable confidence? – 11:00
  • How should you start thinking about your thoughts and emotions if you want unstoppable confidence?
  • Why is it dangerous to wait for you to have confidence before taking action?
  • Stop reading books and take action  – 18:00
  • Why does avoiding your fears make taking action more difficult?
  • Why does reading too much actually cripple your ability to grow and reach your potential?
  • Why does avoiding discomfort cause life to suck? – 25:50 
  • Why is it detrimental to your growth to surround yourself with people who avoid fear and who should you surround yourself with?
  • What can you do to start attracting a high-value social circle? – 32:20
  • Why is growth impossible as long as you are in your comfort zone?
  • How do confident people think about fear and anxiety? – 50:45

The path to unstoppable confidence is a simple one. Stop reading books and take action, stop avoiding discomfort in life because avoiding it will cause your life to suck, and attract high-value social circles by thinking about fear and anxiety differently than most people do. 

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Resources from this Episode

Become Unstoppable with the Art of Charm

Speaker 1: Welcome back to the art of charm podcast. The show designed to help you communicate with power and become unstoppable on your path from hidden genius to influential leader.

Speaker 2: We, you have what it takes to reach your full potential and each and every week we share with you interviews and strategies to help you transform your life by helping you unlock your X-Factor. Whether you're in sales, project management, engineering, medicine, building client relationships, or even looking for love. We got what you need. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary.

Speaker 1: I'm ADJ. And I'm Johnny now. Thank you everyone for tuning in for today's toolbox episode, that's right. We're breaking down how you can become unstoppable. Now we know you can't reach your goals. If your fears, doubts and insecurities are standing in your way. And that's why today, Michael, our head coach is joining us to discuss why you're struggling to defeat your inner critic. Dispel the biggest myths in growing your confidence. What science shows is actually the most effective way to become fearless and the real definition of confidence. Michael, thanks for joining us. Let's kick this off. Now over the last few toolboxes, we discussed becoming a powerful communicator, which is step one in our unlock, your X factor formula. Now what we mean by X factor. If you've been following the show is how do you go from ordinary to extraordinary? What is that factor that makes you extraordinary and allows you to reach the success and potential?

Speaker 1: You know, you have the over the last year, we've asked all of our show guests what their X factor is, and we've taken all of those responses from super successful guests and distill down what we believe are those necessary steps that you have to take on your path to unlocking your X factor. Well, today we want to talk about step two, becoming unstoppable once you're a powerful communicator. Well, the only thing holding you back from taking the next step might be your own mind. Fear insecurity, self doubt. So today Michael and Johnny are joining me to break down how we can become unstoppable and have the confidence to face down those fears and reach a state of freedom where we can take action in any area of our life that we truly desire. Now we have some myths to discuss around building confidence. You're not alone in having self doubt. And unfortunately our evolutionary biology and modern mainstream media are working against us. And after we dispel some of these myths around what it takes to truly become confident, we're going to break down how you can start taking action today to become unstoppable. But first let's jump into what is the biggest reason that many of us are struggling in the confidence department, letting our fears keep us on the sidelines. So Michael, why do most people never become confident?

Speaker 3: I'll actually put a number there. So I would say that 95% of the people out there struggle with confidence and they're trying really, really hard to develop it, but they're using the wrong tool to fix the wrong problem. It's almost like whenever I work with someone that has been trying to work on their personal freedom on their confidence for years, it's like they have a shovel and they're digging a hole and all they can do is like speed up and shovel hotter. And the first thing I tell them is like, stop, like put down, put down the shovel. Let's, let's try something completely different. Here's the big misconception about confidence that people have. People think rightly that confidence is a feeling. And when they have confidence, it's easy to be free. It's easy to speak to everyone out there. It's easy to ask that person out.

Speaker 3: It's easy to go for that job offer when I have confidence. So here's the solution. They very cleverly find for themselves. I have to find confidence first and then everything else becomes easy. And then they spend years and years and years waiting for that magical moment where they have confidence and it never ever comes. And the first week we can actually try this out. If you, if you took tour up for it, the very first exercise I do with everyone who's going through become unstoppable is I ask this question. Imagine I have a magic wand here, and I can point this at you and magically. You have 500% confidence, like it's, it's unlimited, it's unlimited confidence. And what would you start doing? And what would you stop doing? Like ha let's let's pick you, right? You're you're my, you're my go-to example guy today. What would you do differently today? If you had unlimited confidence,

Speaker 1: I'd be speaking on more stages.

Speaker 3: So what you would be doing differently today is I would assume you would apply to speak on more stages. Like after this interview here, after our chat, you'd be on the internet and you'd be, you'd be like looking for opportunities to go up on stage. There are three things. Whenever I do this example, this shows up without exception. There are three reasons why people can't do that right away, where they actually need that magic wand. The first reason is they have a lot of thoughts that get in the way, self doubt, the inner critic, the perfectionist, they have emotions that get in the way it makes me feel stressed out. I'm afraid I'm anxious and they have a lack of skill. Now I tell them, look the skills. I can't let that count because unless AIG, you get up stage, unless you start pitching yourself, you won't get the skill anyway.

Speaker 3: So we're left with my thoughts, get in the way and my emotions get in the way. So ha here's the thing. I don't have a magic wand. Like I'm actually holding up like a pen here. I don't have a magic wand, but if we managed to help you deal with those thoughts that get in the way, and let's not fool ourselves, like thoughts really have the stopping power of a brick wall. It's tough to really deal with them. But if all that stands between you and that unlimited confidence, AGA are your thoughts and your emotions. They come on like, you know, let me show you some techniques to deal with them. And then after this call, we have you out there, like sending pitches out. Does that make sense? That's what people don't get. Like they would say, Michael first, I need to be confident. And then I can send out all those pitches and then I'll be on stage and I'll be like, no, first you need to be on stage. And then we can talk about you developing that skill and that confidence,

Speaker 1: What I want to point out here that many owes again, assume about others that we see as being confident or unstoppable is that they don't have those doubts. They don't have those thoughts. They don't have those emotions. So many of us just feel if I can control my thoughts and focus on the positive and give myself affirmations and tell myself over and over that that doesn't matter. I can unlock confidence and we see it time and time again, that, that doesn't work. When you're trying to control your thoughts, control your emotions. Not only is it a ton of effort and energy, but it still doesn't work at the end of the day, which is why I love when we're interviewing all of our guests. When they express that self doubt, when they share with you, they do it anyways. Yes. They feel it. Yes. They think it, yes. Imposter syndrome is there, but they take action anyways, because they have goals more important than those thoughts and fears that are holding them back.

Speaker 2: We think about pep rallies in school, the big game, fire everybody up, but you could even go back in time into our warrior past and see the celebrations and the pep rallies. So to speak before the warriors had to go out into the field the next day now, did they have confidence in themselves in their training? Well, they certainly did all the training they needed to do to go in there and be a formidable opponent, but they still needed to hype their selves up because they were walking into the unknown. Anything could happen. There needs to be something to get you excited to walk in. When everything inside of you is telling you, you're not ready. You can't do that. What if this happens? What if that happens? Because we all have to deal with the inner voice that is trying to keep us safe.

Speaker 3: Tonya, you make, you make an such an, a great example here with, with the warrior, the small tribe that maybe gets attacked by wolves and the, the warriors like pump themselves up and they, they go out there and, you know, they, they fight for, for their loved ones for their village, because here's the thing like when, when you look at confidence as a term, you'll find a lot of different definitions because it's not that clearly defined in the academic literature. The way that I use confidence in become unstoppable is you're outside of your comfort zone because inside your comfort zone, you don't need confidence. So you're outside of your comfort zone. You do what matters, despite the difficult thoughts and feelings that come up. And here we are with the warriors that go out there to fight the wolves, right? It's not like they want to leave their comfort zone. They'd probably much rather sit in their tent and drink some beer, but there is something that matters to them and that is protecting the village. And so can they go out there even though they might have some self doubt, maybe even though their inner critic speaks up. Right? Of course, because it's so, so freaking important.

Speaker 2: If they sat around waiting for themselves to get fired up, to go take on this challenge, they could be waiting for a very long time. And as we've said, many, many times on this show, that hope is not a strategy. So hoping that tomorrow I'm ready for this is a fool's errand, right? We're, we're hoping over sleep. That I'm going to be blessed to go out in the field and take on the wolves or whatever that challenge might be

Speaker 3: Such a good point, John. It, because I had one client at the end of the course, but those many weeks of working together, he said to me, you know what, Michael, what I've learned first and foremost is that I can't wait anymore. I want to feel free now. And I have to take action. Now, whether I'm completely ready or not, I want to be free now.

Speaker 1: And the key distinction here is that emotions are fleeting, both positive and negative emotions. You know, I grew up playing high school football and I had those pep rallies and we would get fired up to take the field. And then the first time I got tackled that emotion went out the window. So if you are planning, I'm just riding this wave of positive emotion and positive thoughts often to the sunset to reach your goals. Well, what happens when that emotion wanes? What happens when you get knocked down on the football field? That's the key here. That's what we mean by becoming unstoppable. Sure. Everyone's highly motivated after a pep rally. Everyone can feel really good in that moment, but as we know everything that you have sought after in your life, thinking, this will make me happy. How long did that iPad make you happy?

Speaker 1: How long did that new house make you happy? How long did career change make you truly happy? Are you still sitting here happy? No, that's not how life works. So difficult emotions. Fear is going to be a part of your journey. That is where the rubber meets the road. And when you have the right tools and the right mindset to tackle those difficult emotions, that's when you have the freedom that Michael's talking about to change careers, to approach anyone, to travel the world, to go after what you want in your side hustle, to tell your family what you truly feel. That's what we mean by becoming unstoppable. It's not waiting for the right moment. It's not finding the motivation. It's not getting into state. All of those tricks and tactics and hacks that you've tried before. That's why you're here. And the science shows that, yeah, those will get you small results. Those will get you moving, but that's not going to reach the big goals that we know you have that untapped potential that you can't wait to unlock. So, as we were saying, this is about getting outside of your comfort zone. We don't need confidence in our comfort zone. We have tons of confidence in our comfort zone. That's what makes us comfortable. But it's what you do outside of your comfort zone. That is what's important. When we talk about becoming unstoppable,

Speaker 3: An example that I use with exactly that like with your, with your emotions, like relying on your emotions before you're able to do something. A, an example that I like to use there at the very beginning of the course is this idea that most of us, as we go through life, we're sitting in the passenger seat of a car and say that maybe what we want to go from LA to Las Vegas. I don't know why these two cities popped into my mind right now, but let's say you're, you're in the, in the passenger seat of a car. And you want to go from Las Vegas to Los Angeles or the other way round and your thoughts and your emotions. They're at the driving wheel. They are there. So your job as a passenger, how do you, how do you travel, right? You are your job as a passenger is to make that driver think the right stuff and feel the right stuff.

Speaker 3: And if you can do that for a little bit, then for a couple of minutes, you're moving in the right direction. If you're not, then you know, you're heading off, you're heading off the road. What, what we're doing in, in become unstoppable is I, I let them switch seats. And I say, how about you're going into the driver's seat and you grab the wheel and you put your foot on the gas pedal. Now here's what you need to expect. That passenger, your thoughts, your emotions, they are going to, to, to give you a lot of trouble. They're going to be the most nagging passenger you ever had in a car. You're driving too fast. You're driving too slow. You trust you. Just, um, I don't know you did. You forgot your turn signal. What are you doing now? What most people will want to do is they say, okay, I'm willing to grab the steering, but then I'm going to wait until that nagging passenger gets out of the car.

Speaker 3: And then I turned the key. In which case I tell, I tell them, well, you know, call me again in 10 years and see how that worked. But if you're willing to make that important drive, because you actually want to know, go to LA to Las Vegas or Los Angeles. And it's important to you. Are you willing to make that drive being fully in control? If what you have to kind of live with at the very beginning is that this nagging voice is going to sit there. And that's what we're training. You guys stop me if I'm getting too technical here. But in, in psychological terms, this is called an expanding the behavioral repertoire. So this is how it works. And I think too many of our listeners bear with me for 30 seconds. And I think there's going to be a big click in your head.

Speaker 3: Let's say you are at a business meeting and you're, the numbers are great. Your boss just praised you. And in that business meeting, you have, what's called a white behavioral repertoire. And you can tell a joke. You can ask a question. You can stretch. You can get a glass of water. You can write some notes, right? Because you're happy. You're relaxed. But if in that same situation, you are very tense, very anxious because the numbers aren't good. And your boss has just criticized you a little bit. You'll have a very narrow behavioral repertoire. And maybe the only thing you can do is stare at your notes. If it's insanely narrow, maybe the only thing you can do is think I need to chill out. I need to chill out. I need to chill out. And now people will come to me and they say, Michael, I have the solution.

Speaker 3: All I need to do is I need to relax because when I relaxed, I can do everything. So how do I relax? And my answer is like, that's not how it works. How about we do it the other way around? How about you do feel a little bit anxious, nervous, stressed, but you do go for that glass of water. And you do ask that question and maybe you do stretch a little bit. Maybe you even crack a joke, even though you don't feel like it. Now, what happens to your behavior of repertoire opens up in your mind goes like, wait a second. I just told the choke. I can't be anxious. I can't be stressed. Come on. I just got up to get a glass of water, right? But that's, that's the way that that's first doing the action first, taking the driver's seat and then taking it from there.

Speaker 1: And it's putting belief in the fact that that negative emotion, that fear will also pass just like positive emotions. Can't stay there as much as we try and hope. Negative emotions, doubt, self doubt. Criticism. Fear also will not stay there when you are taking action. So it's flipping it on its head. It's not to get the emotion, right. Then take action. It's take action with a belief that the emotion is going to come. And all of a sudden you start wiring your brain to seek action in these areas. Step a little bit further outside of your comfort zone. Step through that self doubt. Step through that fear. And now what do you have the other side of this? You have experience and those experience points translate into confidence points. And I've shared this on the show a few times, I'm trying to learn how to play golf.

Speaker 1: And of course, when you learn a new skill, what do you do? You're on YouTube. You're watching tech talks. You're getting on the tips. You're amassing all of this knowledge, but knowledge doesn't translate to confidence on the golf course. When you actually have a club in your hand and a ball that you have to get on the old green. So how do we actually develop confidence? It's not about overwhelming yourself with information. It's not about listening to that next podcast and hearing about someone else doing it. It's not watching the next video and visualizing yourself doing it. It's the experience and the ability to step beyond the fear that allows you to actually become unstoppable in any area of your life.

Speaker 2: I love that. And AJU you and I have been doing this for so long, that there is a running joke that you and I have when we're meeting young men who are a little bit still green wet behind the ears, and they're getting into their self development journey. And one of the refrains that you and I hear all the time is I've read all and you and I laugh. We're like, we know that you have, I'm sure that you have read all the books, but reading all the books doesn't mean, you know what to do when you're in it. And when I mean, and it, whatever it is that you are working on, whatever it is, you had to work up the courage to step into all the knowledge in the books. It's not going to help you in that moment. It is you're in that moment, you will be reduced to the level of your training in order to work your way through that.

Speaker 2: And we hear it all the time. We laugh about it and Hey, listen, I've read all the books too. In fact, we read all the books for everyone who comes on this show, because it is important for us to dig in and have great conversations. However, when you're giving somebody the feedback that you know, they don't want to hear when you're walking up to somebody to pitch them your idea, when you're at a networking event, and you're going to say hello to somebody you've never talked to before, when those emotions hit, you will be reduced to what you know, internally, what you've internalized, not what you read in the book, not what you heard on this podcast. It's not good to just come in and fall into you. It is what you've trained yourself for.

Speaker 1: And we can all relate to this, right? The anxiety, the fear, the self doubt. Before that first date, how do you feel going into the second day after some experience with that person? Do you have that same fear and self-doubt, or is there now? So just the other side of that fear, and self-doubt on that first time of doing something is the ability to get excited, to get highly motivated, to do more of it, but it's not about waiting. And here's the problem. The more you avoid something, the more difficult it becomes your avoidance of it doesn't make it easier. It actually makes it more difficult for you to take action in that area. So if you're sitting here, think about all the places in your life where fear is acting as the driver, your, the passenger and fear has the steering wheel and is saying, don't get up on stage AAJ.

Speaker 1: Don't put that piece of content out there. Don't share that story with people that you don't know, don't get vulnerable. You can't say that you're going to be judged. You're going to be criticized is avoiding that behavior leading to the success that you want in your life is avoiding. That stage is avoiding asking that person out is avoiding telling your boss, you deserve a raise, getting you the results that you want in your life. Now we know that we know that avoidance doesn't work, but avoidance is what you're doing by reading books, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos. It doesn't feel like avoidance to you because, Hey, I'm getting knowledge. I'm getting information. I'm so worldly. I know every single perspective there is to have to overcome this fear that I have. The next question I ask of you is have you taken action? Have you taken a step? And I hear this time and time again on our coaching calls. Oh, I love the podcast. And I go, great. What have you put into your life and take an action on, uh, you know, I am not sure. So you have to ask yourself now, understanding that experience points, equal confidence points, and that confidence equals freedom in your life. Should you spend another minute waiting on the sidelines of voiding? What you know, you want to be doing, of course not

Speaker 2: Stop right there. Tired of inconsistent results. Are you dating who you want to be dating? Are you where you want to be in your career? Do you have the proper roadmap to get you to where you need to go? If you're

Speaker 1: Tired of wasting time and tired of seeing other people effortlessly build their dream lives while you work twice as hard with fewer results to show for perhaps it's time to get the guidance, skills and accountability, you need to reach the next level

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Speaker 2: The other thing that taking in all this information does is it gives you a false sense of security in AIG. As you mentioned, it might be able to get you in there because you think, you know what you're doing, but you haven't been trained on it, but it also sets you up for major disappointment, because he know what you need to do for every situation. But when you don't meet your expectations that you set up from all the knowledge that you consumed, then you put yourself in a position to beat yourself up. And why would you put yourself in that position again, when you're only going to let yourself down, the first time was so bad that why would I want to do that again? This is why the training is so important. The training allows you to have an internal understanding of what is going on. It allows you to build repetition that you can lean on in order to work through the, have the desired outcome that you are looking for.

Speaker 3: I want to add something to what both of you said primarily around the avoidant thing and experiential avoidance, like not wanting to do the difficult stuff. Whatever feels uncomfortable is highly correlated with low life satisfaction. The problem here is our evolutionary upbringing because avoidance kind of works. So hear me out. I'm invited to a party, but I'm kind of anxious to go there because I might not know people. So I decide to not go. I avoid it. Guess what guys I've just solved my problem, because the anxiety goes away, right? I'm scared to speak up in front of my boss. So I'm going to avoid it. And the anxiety goes away. This is, this is the big problem, because what people have been doing for years, trying to find their freedom and develop their confidence. They followed a pattern that kind of works because the moment you think I'm such a loser, I can't speak to that beautiful person over there.

Speaker 3: The moment you decide to keep walking, that thought goes away because it's done its job. And so your brain learns, Hey, if I don't go to parties, I feel better. If I don't speak to people, the goes away. And then 20 years later, they're looking at their life and they say, what have I been doing? What have I been doing? Right? But that is because our brain, this state, our brain is in right now is still like 50,000 years ago. It's like running a really old operating system. It's like running dos 2.0, and it, our brain at that stage, it evolved in a short-term gratification system. It's like, do I eat something now? Or do I run away now? Whereas our brain now has to work in the longterm. Like, what happens if I don't speak up? Now, what's going to happen to my job in a couple of years. But our brain always thinks in this very short term, what's going to make me feel battery in a minute from here on out while not, not going to the party, not saying something, not speaking up, not asserting myself. There is your problem because avoidance war

Speaker 1: And here's the kicker. Many of us are surrounded by people who are also avoiding. So it compounds. If you've ever attended a bootcamp, if you've ever been in our training program, when you surround yourself with people who are stepping through the fear, stepping beyond their comfort zone, it actually rubs off on you. You now feel the power of the group of the community to take action in your life. You know, when I talked to many of our clients and I ask about their experience before unstoppable, they don't have a peer group who is working on their anxiety. They have a peer group that is reinforcing their anxiety. Yeah. You shouldn't talk to that person. Yeah. Why would you tell your boss that you're going to get fired? And now you are taking in their self doubt, which is compounding on your self-doubt. But imagine surrounding yourself with a Wolf pack of five people, 10 people who are also pushing through their fear, who realize that the value in life is in your uncomfort zone, outside of your comfort zone. That is when you supercharge yourself to take action. So it's okay. We get it. We all have those friends and family members who have their own self doubt, and they want to pile it on our plate because their self doubt has allowed them to feel safe, but it's not working to get you the results that you want in your life.

Speaker 3: Wolf pack idea is that is this. That is what I love most about become unstoppable because seeing those 10 people or 20 people, 30 people in the group, like come together and support each other. It's amazing. Like I have. So there's a little bit embarrassing to admit, but, but the, the amount of times I've seen them do their homework. And I watched the videos the record in the morning, and I had like coffee come out of my nose because I'm laughing so hard. So maybe I should expand on this, on this coffee thought for a second. I'm something that we do in the program, simply because it is so important, like Johnny said to not just taking the information, but to practice, practice, practice, we're doing something that's called comfort zone challenges. And that is me as the coach, purposefully pushing people outside of their comfort zone in a safe manner so that they can practice what we've just covered.

Speaker 3: So I might, we might cover in that week. Um, how do you deal with the inner critic with the thoughts that come up and they want to stop you in? And then I teach a couple of techniques and what you do about them. And then I give them an exercise where I know for sure those thoughts are going to come up and why, because I want them to practice this every day and every day and every day. And then the first person does like the, the exercise shares sit with a group and the everyone else sees it as like, oh, I have to do that too. I'm going to, I'm going to push it even further. And then they start laughing and they start sharing and they push each other and they do variations on the exercise that I give them. And it's scary. And it's free. Like they oftentimes say like in the first week after doing the exercise. So the first time, the reply that I get the most is I felt so free because for the first time in my life, I saw that my thoughts and my emotions, they can speak up, but they can't control me. And if I built on that, I'm unstoppable and I've just seen that possible.

Speaker 2: Something I want to add. And this goes back to what AIG was discussing about the people that you have in your peer group. And they're going to identify with a worldview that you have, because that allows you to feel comfortable. Now, um, a few weeks ago I had gotten the question on a tweet that I had sent out, but the question was, how do I find and build a high value peer group? Now, this is important because that old saying birds to a feather, right? We attract like-minded folks. So if you want to surround yourself by people who are confident, courageous, and free will, then you are going to have to change, to be able to adapt and be welcomed into a group that is confident and free and taking action. Because those people have already done the curating of their peer group to make sure that they, the people, they surrounded themselves, reinforce taking action, confidence and freedom, because that's who they want to be.

Speaker 2: That's how they want to run their life. And so they're going to need the support of people who are also that way. So if you were outside looking in, how do I attract and build a high value, social circle of like-minded people? Well, you have to first start to exhibit those behaviors, the mindset that you think that you have will be exhibited in the actions that you take. Those people who have worked to curate a peer group of like-minded action, taking confident, freedom, loving people. They know exactly what those behaviors and actions look like, and they are screening for them. This is why, again, we are reduced to the level of our training in the actions and behaviors that we're going to take that reflect those mindsets. This is the word that you need to do.

Speaker 1: And many of us in our peer group have people in our life due to circumstance. We shared a dorm room together. We work at the same company. We moved into this neighborhood. We go to the same church. We play on the same softball team, and that's fine. But if you're finding that you want more high value people in your life, you have to take action. It's in the action that you attract. Like-minded people it's not going to happen by hoping your friends change their mindset. Hoping your family changes. That hope is not a strategy. So when you want to attract high value people, you have to become high value yourself. And then you self-select and bring in new and exciting and amazing opportunities for better relationships, for motivation, for all of those things that right now you might be saying, well, my friends don't exhibit that my friends don't do that. My friends don't want to push outside of their comfort zone. And I talk to many of our clients saying, you know, the reason I feel stuck is because I look around and everyone else around me is stuck.

Speaker 2: As I was cleaning this to the person that asked the question, they're like, well, where are the high value people hang out. I'll just go there and hang out. And you know, and I'll start to build. And it's like, well, high value, action taken freedom, loving, confident people are hanging out at places where it is required, that you take action are confident and have freedom of your own biological evolution. And, and so it's going to be difficult if you haven't built that into yourself to find yourself there.

Speaker 3: You guys here at high-value action, taking story from, from a past client, it comes in two acts. So the first act is one client who lost. And in the course trained with me or a couple of weeks and went from this like shy person who wouldn't say anything to this really like confident young man. And he was actually living in Vienna where I am. So I said, Hey, the course. I said, dude, like, come on you, you made such progress. Let's grab a coffee. So we're sitting in this, in this busy street and you guys have been to Vienna. So you probably have been in that street as well. And we're sipping a coffee. And suddenly he looks over my shoulder gets up and walks off. I'm like, what's happening here. And I look around and he's like, I see him standing to the, to that beautiful lady.

Speaker 3: And she's talking with her, gives her the phone. She typed something into the phone. I very much assume it was the phone number. He takes the phone back, turns around and walks back to me. He sits down and like, dude, like what on earth just happened? Like, you know, I don't recognize you anymore compared to the first week. So this is, this is act one because I told that story to someone who would become another client a year or two later. And he told me when I heard that story, I said to myself, I want to be that person. I want to be the person who can pull off something like that. And then a few weeks later, he sends me a video where he flew to a island in the Caribbean and he is at the airport. He's super tired. He can barely keep his eyes open. And he sees a beautiful lady grabbing a luggage and he walks over there. He talks to her. And then he sends me a video where those two went on a day trip to an exotic island. And he's like sending me a video of the island he's in with that lady. And he's like, yeah, you know what? I made it, I did it. You told me that story. I want it to be that person. What do you think about the Palm trees as they do it? Yeah, that's, that's it?

Speaker 1: Well, that realization is key for almost all of our clients. Who've gone through unstoppable that I can't wait any more waiting and hoping for the right emotion for the strike of motivation, for an overwhelming amount of willpower, for the anxiety to go away. That weighting has cost you too much already. And whether you come to us because you are like Joel, and have a fear around public speaking at work, or you come to us like Nancy, because you're thinking about a career change, but that involves going out on your own and being a coach instead of being part of a team and having all of that self doubt when you're walking into the boardroom, or when you're thinking about starting up your new LinkedIn profile around your coaching company and within the first couple of weeks realizing where else am I waiting, man, I'm avoiding signing up for that improv group that I know you guys talk about so much on the podcast.

Speaker 1: Oh, I've been putting off traveling because well, I would have to do it alone because I don't have friends who want to travel. So I can't do that. I got to wait for the right moment. How many areas of your life are you waiting in? Because that fear has the driver's seat. That fear has the steering wheel. That's taking you on a road, that's circling your comfort zone. And you're staring off into the distance. Thinking about that exit. You love to be in the driver's seat for, to take the car, to, to make that career change, to kill it on stage, to deliver that pitch in a room full of VCs who are ready to hand you their wallets, right? These fears we know are holding you back. As we talked about, I've had fear holding me back around, getting on stage, but those who've come on our show as guests.

Speaker 1: Those who've gone through unstoppable realize that that fear it's going to be there. It's what you do in spite of that fear. It's how you move through that fear that you truly become unstoppable. So now we know it's not about waiting for the right emotion. We also want to talk about what you alluded to earlier, Michael, which is many of us think, okay, well, I'm not going to wait. I just have to will the right emotion. I just have to keep telling myself not to feel that way or to feel another way. And one day I'm going to say it for the 20 thousands of time and it's going to click and I'm going to ride that wave of positive emotion. And the science says that also doesn't work. I mean,

Speaker 3: We can do an exercise around this if you're up for it. So let's do this right. Let's let's magically because that is apparently really, really possible. Let's magically conjure up a really positive emotion. So AJ and Johnny, you can, you can follow me here and everyone listening. I want you to get really, really, really enthusiastic about becoming a broccoli farmer tomorrow. And for the rest of your life, you're going to, what do you do with broccoli harvested? Like, I don't know, does it grow on a tree? I think it grows up. See that's how little I know about it, but you're going to learn everything about broccoli and you're going to be like the world big as broccoli farmer. And your house is going to build of B being built of broccoli. And you're going to drive a broccoli car. And I want you to be really excited about that.

Speaker 3: And you're like, come on, like apple, why? And then I would say, well, because if you can really get excited about this, I'm going to give you a hundred million dollars. Now you might get excited, but not about the broccoli. You're getting excited about the cash price. So this is of course, really, really silly. And I, to those broccoli farmers out there, I applaud you. I love broccoli. Don't get me wrong. But I think the point that I could just make is that none of you were able to magically get excited about something that I just conjured up, even though, you know, there was a a hundred million dollars price tag to it. And this was a really silly exercise, but it's kind of what we're trying to do all the time, because I gave you like the extreme version of like a, dial it up to 13, but dial it down to or three.

Speaker 3: And what you end up with is I need to get motivated to apply for that job. I need to get motivated to speak up in front of my boss. Once I feel like it, I'm going to ask him or her out, right. That's what we're constantly trying all the time. And just like my get excited to, you know, be a broccoli farmer for the rest of your life. You couldn't come drew up that excitement. You're probably not able to control it up in these other areas as well. And of course, sometimes it might come. It might suddenly be there. And suddenly you do wake up and like, you know what, today's the day I'm going to ask for a race, but really is that the way you want to live your life, that you, you know, one day, Hey, wake up and you have the right emotion.

Speaker 3: And finally can, you can move on. I mean, look at, look at those super athletes at the Olympians. It's not like they feel motivated to work out every single day. Like they just do it because it's important. Like this is the kind of person they want to be. And whether they wake up motivated or not, that let me do, let me do. What's important here. And of course, if I'm motivated, everything is suddenly easier. And you know, I applaud you for, for being motivated and good luck because now it's a little bit easier for us, but that's not a strategy how you can play this out. And, and when, when I work with, uh, with, with the clients and become unstoppable, they would oftentimes fall back into this trap and I give them a new challenge to do for the week and then come back with this realization.

Speaker 3: And they would say, Michael, you know what? I've realized that sometimes I really feel like doing those challenges. And sometimes I don't. So how do I get into the mood to do those challenges? And I tell them, I don't want you to be in the mood. That's the point. I want you to do that difficult stuff, even though everything in your body, your stress, your anxiety, your inner critic, your doubt tells you, I don't want to do that because if I can train you to do that, to not feel like doing something, to have this perfectionistic thoughts about doing something and doing it anyway, the moment this clicks you'll become unstoppable and on people do those exercises again and again and again, and they support each other through it. And then at week 2, 3, 4, someone comes back and says, you know what just happened, Michael?

Speaker 3: I was at work or I was at a date and I felt really anxious. And my perfectionism, my inner critic, and everything really spoke up in that situation. But then it reminded me of the exercises that we did and that it feels exactly the same way. Then when you had me out there in public high-fiving strangers and the exact same thoughts came up and the same emotions came up. And I thought to myself, when all of the tools that I practiced when I was out there, high-fiving strangers and being so afraid of getting rejected and embarrassing myself, all of those tools that I practice doing that again and again, and again, like a karate kid and Miyazaki, right? Paint on paint, wax on wax off. I get it this again. And again and again, and there I was at the state and my mind kept telling me this. And I was like, no mind, I've tried this technique so much. I know exactly how to deal with you. And I'm going to say what I'm about to say, like, I'm going to speak up. I'm going to make him move. And then that, that, that moment, when it clicks for them that their thoughts and their emotions, they haven't influenced, but they con from their life that moment, they're like, you know, this, this is freedom. This is how I'm going to live my

Speaker 1: Life. And that waiting for the high stakes moment for that, asking your boss for the raise for the walking across the street, to talk to that beautiful person to the going in and quitting and starting your own business. Those are such high stakes that it's so difficult in challenging to take the driver's seat in those moments. But as Michael said, if you've been constantly in low stakes situation, training your mind to take the driver's seat, to put those emotions and fears in the passenger seat, in the high stakes situation, it's already routine. It's subconscious for you. It's not conscious effort. It's not you willing it to happen because you've set yourself up in low stakes situations with comfort zone challenges to put yourself outside of your comfort zone, work through the negative thoughts. The self doubt, the criticism realize that on the other side of it is all of these positive emotions.

Speaker 1: And I want you to think about all of the triumphs in your life. Up until this point. I'm willing to bet that yes, the stakes were high, but you had some other mechanism putting you in that position, forcing you to take the exam, forcing you to take the job interview, forcing you to ask that person out. And unfortunately, as we become adults, we lose a lot of those situations. We lose a lot of that pressure. We gain freedom to avoid, but when you're in high school, you got to show up for the exam. When you're in college, you've got to show up, the stakes are high, but there's also other factors putting you in a position where you have no other choice. Unfortunately, as adults with more choice comes more options for avoidance. So what are you doing to train yourself in low stakes situations? So when the high stakes situations approach, it's not a big deal. It's no sweat. You're excited to take action in those moments.

Speaker 2: Well, as you were mentioning age, when you're younger, you're at school, you're doing things you're exploring. As you become an adult, you are, life becomes more routine based as you're setting up to gain traction. So you're saying no to a lot of things that when you were younger, that you would be saying yes to, to find yourself in those situations. I want to add to that as well. We have just went through a global pandemic that for the last 15 months, we've been no two things to keep us safe. Do you guys think that within 15 months of saying no to things that you've conditioned yourself to say no to things that you have to break out of?

Speaker 1: Well, many of us right now are feeling the social anxiety of going and saying yes to now events, to drinks, to dinners.

Speaker 2: And let's just be honest. All of us have conditioned ourselves to some degree, no matter what your worldview or how you viewed the pandemic. There are concessions that you made that you had to for, for the safety and sake of family, yourself, your neighbors, uh, for the whole condition. Well, the running joke that we've been laughing about is two weeks the flatten, the curve. Well, that two weeks has been 15 months of conditioning and, and routines and habits that have been installed for us to work through this traumatic situation. And now we're supposed to just pop out and resume a life to where it was previously. And it just doesn't work in that manner. We have to begin to find ourselves in a high pressure situations. So then we can begin to start using our knowledge and our training to persevere and flourish and thrive. Again, you're in a rebuilding point, everybody.

Speaker 3: And what better time to reinvent yourself? Then at the end of the global pandemic, when we all come out of our cocoon, we all come out of our home office. And, uh, imagine your friends saying like, whoa, that's not how I remember you. Like, you're, you're different. What happened? That's that's the time now.

Speaker 1: Now I want to speak to those in the audience who may be truly struggling, right? Feel like you're in a tug of war with your inner critic, with that self doubt, with that fear, that every day you're running up against it and it's pulling harder. And as much as you try to pull back, it's pulling even harder and you're feeling stuck. You're feeling anxious around it. And of course, you know, there are things you want to be doing in your life that you value. If you listen to this show, you thought about your core values. You want to do these things. There is an option. And the option is dropping that rope in the tug of war. It's not about pulling back harder and pulling against the emotion and fighting the fear harder and overwhelming it. That's not a winning strategy based on science either. Right? Michael. Yeah.

Speaker 3: So many people think that I got this, like, I'm the most confident person on earth and I feel fear or anxiety and tell them like, no, like I, I feel that stuff just like everyone else does out there, but I don't fight with it. Like, that's the big thing that has changed. And that a lot of people that have really developed their confidence, like they say exactly. Yeah. The same thing. It's not that I don't feel anxiety, but it's not like, oh God, oh no, I feel anxiety. I need to fight it. It's like, oh, anxiety, my old buddy, like, I know you, like, you've been on the ride with me whenever I do something that's important. Like you're sitting next to me. Uh, you know, this is a good indicator that I'm obviously doing something that's important right now. So thank you for being there.

Speaker 3: Watch me do this. Like, watch me, watch me do this. But what most people will do is they will be in that tug of war. And they'll try to beat that. Anxiety's sitting next to them because once it's gone, everything is easy. But guess what? Like it's never going to go. So I, I sometimes like to like in this like anxiety monster with like the, the annoying relative that everyone has, that shows up to Christmas dinner and then tells those stupid jokes. And, and, and, you know, you get into political debates with them. And next year, the entire thing repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats. And you know, you never win. So how about looking at that annoying relative and be like, Hey, you know what? I know you're going to tell you stupid jokes. Anyway, to sit down next to the Christmas tree, grab, grab a beer, I'm going to enjoy a family.

Speaker 3: I'm going to enjoy Christmas. I'm going to enjoy my, my relatives and that employing relative to me, that is, that is a little bit exciting. Like if, if, if I fight with you, it's gone, it's going to never, ever end. But if I make room for you and have you sit down, um, maybe even thank anxiety and say, Hey, you know what? I know you just try to protect me. You try to protect me from rejection, from embarrassment. And thank you for that. But I want to be free. I want to open my mouth. I want to get that race. I want to get that job. I want to get that date. Thank you for being there. Thank you for reminding me that it's important. And watch me do this. That that's the, that's the mind. So that's the rope on the floor instead of the taco for now, with, with this, with this struggle and this anxiety in there, a lot of really counter-intuitive stuff that people learn as they go through this process and they try it out.

Speaker 3: Like one of the things that really surprises them is that when they suddenly realize that whenever they're raising society, there's at the other side, there is something that's important to them. Like no one gets anxious sitting on the couch, eating potato chips. Thanks. No one gets anxious watching Netflix, right? Because it's not important if I, if I sent you, if as an ha can you go to the grocery store and buy a jar of cucumbers? Like you're not feeling excited. He is like, if the shop doesn't have cucumbers, you go to the next shop, like, who cares? Right? But if ha goes up on stage, I'm going to venture that there's going to be anxiety because suddenly it's important. You have a message. You want people to hear, you want to change lives. Do you want to teach them something? So of course there's going to be anxiety because what if I can't do that?

Speaker 3: What if I'm not good enough? What if they don't get what I'm saying? Right. Anxiety and meaning. They're the same thing that the flip side of the coin one person comes, comes to mind, Joel. And he came into the program because he had one very specific problem. And that is that he had a leading position at work and he had to present in front of people. And even like, sometimes in front of people really high up in the, in the corporate ladder and he would freak out. He freeze, it'd be in front of everyone and just not be able to say anything. And that's what he wanted to work on. So he got, he got the tools. We practiced the tools. And at the end of the course, he told me like, not only did I figure this one out and I'm presenting at work now, what was even more amazing is that all the other opportunities, this opened up in my life, because suddenly I'm present. When I'm with my family, I'm a better partner. I'm a better parent. I'm a better child to my parents. And all of those things, I'm still using the same tools. You taught me to speak in front of an audience. It's the exact same tools that I've practiced again and again and again. And they've opened up all of these other doors in my life that have been locked before at

Speaker 4: A big presentation at work with some very senior people there I've prepared well for it. I felt ready for it. And then got into the meeting room and things fell apart and didn't go as planned. I messed up my words. I forgot a few things. And I just left the meeting feeling Leslie deflated. And I said, enough's enough. I need to change this. And that's when I enrolled on the course and I can honestly say it was a game changer. I mean, in terms of analyzing your inner voice, why it continues to cripple you and control your actions, uh, and how to do things about it, it really did make a huge difference and a year on. Now, I can honestly say some of the tools that I learned on this course and how to deal with these difficult thoughts, know that you can't control them, but you can have, or you can change your relationship with it and actually use it to your advantage. These tools, aren't magic, they're just methodical. And once you learn to use them over and over again, they start to become second nature and genuinely change your life. I would recommend this course to anybody in a heartbeat. And I hope that you also enroll and it starts to change your life with whatever area in confidence. You're struggling with ready

Speaker 1: To unlock results. Like Joel, ready to rise to the level of tomorrow's challenges you'll need to become unstoppable.

Speaker 2: Like Joel, the journey from hidden genius to influential leader is not an easy one. It's filled with self doubt, inconsistent results and feeling alone, which leads to frustration. And just wasting time, just like Joel, you are reduced to the level of your training and without the proper work, you will continue to see the same mediocre results feeling stuck and stuck.

Speaker 1: That's why we've created unstoppable to give you the inside track into the psychology of the human mind, the advanced neuroscience, it takes to defeat your doubts and fears and to jump back in the driver's seat of your own life.

Speaker 2: It was jam packed with exercises, drills, and lessons that get you results that stick. This is unlike any course you've ever taken, because it gives you the tools to defeat your self doubt and conquer your fears. Whether it's sales, presentations, dating, or networking, you'll be able to enjoy the process, see the matrix and perform at an incredible high level and become unsafe.

Speaker 1: Join us [email protected] slash unstoppable. That's right. The art of charm.com/unstoppable [inaudible].

Speaker 1: And that is the shift of moving those fears and securities and self doubt from the driver's seat to the passenger seat. Joel didn't realize fears, insecurities and self doubt were on cruise control and these other areas of his life, because things are going well. He has a family, he has a career. He has things in his life that seemingly from the outside. Yeah. They're exactly what I wanted. But when he realized that that self doubt and fear might be in the driver's seat in these other areas, will you look to move it to the passenger seat and areas that you hadn't even considered? And that's what we mean by becoming unstoppable. It's not once it's not do this once. It's think about all the areas in your life that you might encounter a roadblock on your journey to reach your full potential. There are going to be obstacles. There are going to be three car pile ups. There are going to be construction barrels that you have to avoid and moving to the driver's seat of life, creates the freedom to get on stage, change your career, get more dates, move to a new city, travel alone. These are all of the results we've seen from those attendees in unstoppable understanding that fear doesn't have to hold you back. And confidence is not the end goal. Freedom is the end goal. Confidence is how we get there.

Speaker 2: Also, could you do us in the entire art of charm team, a big favor? Could you head on over to iTunes and rate and review this podcast? It means the world does and it helps others find the show. The art of charm podcast is produced by Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery till next week. I'm Johnny and

Speaker 1: I'm, AIJ go out there and become unstoppable.

Speaker 5: [inaudible].

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

AJ Harbinger - author of 1165 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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