“Why don’t girls like me when I’m nice to them?” It’s one of the most common questions I hear at The Art of Charm. However, the problem isn’t that you’re being nice. “Nice” in terms of The Art of Charm means you’re being respectful and we think you should always be respectful to women. Let’s talk a little bit more about what’s going on when you feel like you’re the nice guy finishing last.
Do You Put Her on a Pedestal?
It’s not uncommon for men to put women on a pedestal. Think about this phrase for a minute: What do we do when we put someone “on a pedestal?” It means literally putting another person above ourselves. This means treating them as if they are more valuable than we are. It can subconsciously send the signal that you lack self-confidence. Women don’t want to be put above you, they want to be treated like equals. This is the best way to communicate confidence — the sexiest quality a man can have to a woman.
Are You Too Eager to Please Her?
It’s nice to make other people happy. In fact, at The Art of Charm, we believe that making others feel good about themselves is one of the best things you can do. Still, you need to follow your own path and do the things that have you enjoying life. Don’t be too preoccupied with making her happy. The less you worry about pleasing others, the more comfortable you can be in your own skin. This in turn makes you more fun to be around and you end up making those around you happy without even trying.
Is the Relationship Mutually Beneficial?
No relationship should be one sided in either direction. You should be getting what you’re giving in any interaction or relationship and vice versa. Relationships that are one side are almost invariably weighed down with the baggage of contempt and resentment. Are you getting back what you’re putting into a relationship? If not, why do your pursue the relationship?
Ways You Can Avoid Being “Too Nice”
Now that we’ve shown that the problem isn’t that you’re being “too nice,” it’s time to show you what behaviors you can engage in to stop feeling that way — and get the girl.
- Abundance Mentality: Imagine that you had five amazing women in your life. Now act like you do. This is called operating from an abundance mentality. Many men are too eager to please because they operate from what we call a scarcity mentality. When you begin thinking from a place of abundance, you’re in a better position to go after the things you want and get them.
- Self-Amusement: Looking to others to amuse you can cause tension. This is because in most social settings other people are already on edge. By being self-amused, you’re defusing this tension by giving other people permission to have fun. Think of a young boy or a playful puppy: They don’t need anything to amuse them. Now take on that attitude.
- Self-Confidence: Above all, self-confidence is being comfortable in your own skin. You’re a complete person and you don’t need approval from others.
- Non-Neediness: Be self-sufficient, emotionally. Give to everyone social interaction just a little bit more than what you take out of it. This will make everyone feel at ease around you and enjoy being in your presence.
Coming off as “too nice” is largely the result of a few subtle, unconscious signals. Avoiding these signals and substituting them with signals that project confidence will ensure that you’re a nice guy who finishes first.