10 Proven Tips For Speaking With Confidence In Work And Life

Speaking with confidence starts with how your voice sounds. Six core habits sit underneath the ten tips on this page: a slower pace, deliberate pauses, fewer filler words, a lower and steadier pitch, deep belly breaths and plain requests.  The same confident tone that helps when you invite someone on a date also helps in meetings and everyday conversation.  Below are ten tips on speaking with confidence, each with something you can try today, and each one builds on those six habits to help you develop a strong, steady tone.  If speaking in front of people makes you nervous, work through them in order, and record yourself once a week to hear the change.

Here is how the page is laid out, so you can jump to the part you need:

• Control your pace and pauses (tips 1 to 3)
• Fix your pitch, tone and breath (tips 4 to 7)
• Practice and stay present (tips 8 to 10)
• Speaking with confidence at work
• Speaking with confidence when you ask someone out
• The next step in building confidence

Control Your Pace and Pauses (Tips 1 to 3)

1. Slow down

The most common mistake men make that prevents them from speaking with confidence is speaking too quickly.  When a guy speaks quickly it often gives the impression that he’s nervous, insecure, or lacks self-control.  Practice speaking at a slower, more relaxed pace.  Speaking in a calm, deliberate manner shows confidence and gives the impression that you’re a man who is in control.

Nerves and excitement are usually what send the pace racing, and that’s especially true when you’re about to ask someone out.  Simply being aware of your rate of speech goes a long way toward keeping it slow, steady and relaxed.

2. When to start speaking

A similar mistake men make is that they rush into speaking.  During a conversation a guy may start talking the same moment (or even moments before) the other person finishes speaking.  Jumping in and talking immediately like this can make a guy look a little too eager, and even worse, the other person may feel as though she wasn’t being heard.  Work on pausing for a second or two after a person speaks before you start talking.  Taking your time like this shows you’re relaxed, confident, and are actually interested in what the other person is saying.

3. Eliminate filler words

Filler words (words such as “umm”, “uhh”, “like…”, etc.) are used to take up space while a person tries to figure out what to say next.  But using them just makes a guy look uncertain of what he’s saying.  So if you want to sound more confident when speaking, eliminate these filler words completely.  In their place, put nothing.  If you need a moment to think of what to say next simply pause and hold that silence.  Silent pauses are incredibly powerful as they build tension and draw people in.  If you can hold those brief moments of silence without feeling the need to fill that silence with useless sounds, people will start to listen closely to every word.

Just imagine how Martin Luther King Jr. would have sounded had he gotten up and said “I umm have like, a dream…”.  Filler words sap the power out of whatever comes after them.  And that’s exactly how a silent pause does the opposite, because it makes the next thing you say seem important.  If you want to go deeper on adding power and authority to your voice, take a look at the work of Arthur Joseph at vocalawareness.com, which focuses on voice and vocal awareness and fits well with the pause and pitch habits in this article.

Fix Your Pitch, Tone and Breath (Tips 4 to 7)

4. Pitch and cadence matter more than volume

Men sometimes confuse speaking with confidence with speaking loudly.  Speaking loud enough to be heard is important, but your pitch and cadence (cadence is basically the rhythm of your voice) carry much of the confident signal, often more than volume does.  To project confidence then, be sure to keep a low pitch and a smooth cadence when speaking, and keep the pitch steady rather than bouncing it from high to low to high.  Maintaining a low, steady tone of voice is a dependable habit to build if you want to sound more confident.

5. Speaking without tension

That low, steady tone that makes you sound confident comes about naturally when you release the tension in your voice.  The muscles in your shoulders, neck, jaw and throat all affect your voice tone so you want to relax those muscles when speaking.  To get those muscles relaxed here’s an exercise you can try.  Start by taking a slow, deep breath.  As you exhale make a noise that’s half yawn/half sigh and soften any tension you feel in your jaw, throat, neck and shoulders.  This exercise will help you become aware of the existing tension in your voice so that you’ll be able to relax that tension when speaking.

6. The importance of breath

Taking slow, steady, deep breaths as you speak will ensure you have a slow, steady, deep voice.  The key to obtaining this kind of breath is to breathe low, into your belly as well as your chest.  You should be able to feel your lower rib cage expand out as you inhale and your belly should rise and fall as you breathe in and out.  If this sounds like too much to remember there’s a simple way to think of it.  When you breathe in, imagine sending the air deep down into your belly.  Visualizing your breath like this helps you take the deep, full breaths needed for speaking with confidence.

Breathing this way helps in two ways.  Besides keeping your voice steady, calm and controlled, it gives you something physical to focus on.  When you’re getting nervous and “stuck in your head,” noticing the sensations of your breath keeps you grounded, so you can stay clear of the thoughts and worries swirling around in there.

7. Adding authority to your speech

When people are uncertain of what they’re saying the pitch of their voice automatically goes up at the end of a sentence.  You hear this all the time when people ask questions but it can happen when people give statements, too.  If you want to add an extra touch of authority to your speech do the opposite and end your sentences by lowering your pitch.  Even if you’re asking a question, this downward inflection is going to make you sound much more confident in what you’re asking.

Practice and Stay Present (Tips 8 to 10)

8. Stay present

A lot of the problems mentioned above (speaking too quickly, tightening your voice, breathing only into the chest) come about when we lose presence.  It’s when we get so wrapped up in what we should say next (or what people might think of us) that these bad habits take hold.  To prevent this, stay aware of the sound of your voice when you speak.  This will keep you grounded so those habits won’t come creeping in unnoticed.

Try this the next time you talk.  Pick one word per sentence to hear in your own voice.  Giving your attention to that single word is enough to pull you out of your head and back into the conversation.

9. Practice improving your voice

For these tips to become a part of your natural way of speaking it’s important to practice them.  An easy way to do this is to record your voice during a phone conversation with a friend.  Listening to a recording of your voice will make you aware of some of the mistakes you’re making and areas you can improve upon.  Do this on a regular basis (maybe once a week) and it will be much easier to cut out bad speaking habits and replace them with good ones.

(For a deeper look at the importance of vocal tonality check out this Art of Charm podcast on how to speak with confidence)

10. Say what you want plainly

Everything above comes together when you state clearly what you want, whether that is a proposal in a meeting, a request to a colleague, or an invitation to a date.  A plain, direct statement delivered at a slow pace with a low, settled pitch carries far more certainty than a hedged one.  The next two sections show what that looks like, first at work and then when you ask someone out.

To try it today, write your request in one sentence before the meeting and say it out loud once.  Hearing it spoken plainly makes it much easier to deliver the same way when it counts.

Speaking With Confidence at Work

Every habit in the ten tips above carries straight into the workplace.  A meeting is a place where nerves push the pace up and the filler words in, just as they do before a date.  Run through this short list before you speak up.

Pause before you answer

Let the other person finish, then pause for a second or two before you answer.  That small gap shows you heard them and are not rushing to fill the room.

Keep your pace steady

Keep your pace slow and steady, and let silence stand in for “umm” when you need a moment to think.  A steady pace tells the room you are comfortable with what you are saying.

End on a lower pitch

End your sentences on a lower pitch, including the ones that are really questions, so a suggestion sounds settled.

Breathe before you speak

Breathe low into your belly before you start, and notice your breath if you feel yourself getting stuck in your head.

State the request plainly

State the proposal or request plainly, with exactly what you want and when you want it.

Pick one of these for your next conversation at work, and record yourself on a phone call with a friend that week to hear whether it shows up in your voice.  Over time the habits start to feel like how you talk.

Here is a hypothetical to make it concrete.  A colleague finishes explaining a plan and you have a different idea.  You take a slow breath into your belly, count a second or two of silence, and then say, “I’d like to propose we move the review to Thursday morning.”  The sentence names the action, the day and the time, it ends on a lower pitch, and it arrives without a single “umm.”  What we’re talking about here is a short, settled statement that gives the room something clear to say yes to.  The same structure that works for “Let’s meet up for margaritas tomorrow at 5” works for a meeting request, because in both cases you know what you want and you say it plainly.

If you notice your pace creeping up halfway through a sentence, use the moment to practice.  Finish the thought, let a pause land, and take one low breath before you continue.  Catching it mid-conversation is the same skill as staying present, and each time you do it the habit gets easier to reach for.

Speaking With Confidence When You Ask Someone Out

The moment your voice matters most is often the moment you invite someone on a date.  Tone plays a big role in whether she says yes.  A confident delivery tends to help, while a weak or uncertain one usually leaves the invitation sounding unsure.  Everything above applies here, and a few more habits are worth adding on top of it.

Be direct

Part of speaking with confidence is being direct.  If you’re interested in a woman and want to take her on a date, let her know it.  Be honest that you like her, and say plainly that you want a date.  Presenting the invitation as a casual hang-out can lead to a friends-only outcome.  Be up-front about your intentions and make it clear you’re looking for a real date.  Being this honest and authentic takes courage, and it shows.

Ask her out without asking

Try phrasing your invitation as a statement instead of a question.  Rather than asking “Will you go out with me tomorrow?” or “Want to go out sometime?” say “Let’s go out for drinks tomorrow.”  Phrased this way, the invitation assumes she’s already interested and willing, which shows certainty and makes it easier for her to go along with what you suggest.  It also pairs naturally with the downward inflection we covered earlier, since a statement that ends on a lower pitch sounds settled.

Know what you want

It’s much easier to speak with confidence when you know exactly what you want.  That means knowing what you’d like to do on the date, as well as when and where you’ll do it.  A line like “Let’s meet up for margaritas tomorrow at 5” names the activity, the day and the time.  Knowing what you want and asking for it shows leadership.

The right mindset

A phrase that gets thrown around a lot at the Art of Charm (AoC) is “Always Assume Attraction.”  Believe that she is interested in you, attracted to you, and hoping you’ll ask her out.  Holding that belief makes it far easier to act and speak with confidence, which is what makes it so useful.  You can set aside the worry about getting her to like you or saying the right things.  Instead you can focus on enjoying her company, knowing you can take things to the next level any time you choose.

The Next Step in Building Confidence

Speaking with confidence is just one part of learning how to project the confidence that supports your dating and professional life.  Curious how your voice and presence come across?  X-Factor Accelerator (XFA) is The Art of Charm’s program: a personal starting plan, lifetime training materials and 90 days of weekly group coaching, which gives you a steady place to keep working on habits like these.  Take a look at XFA.