Toolbox | Unlock Your Charisma by Focusing on These 3 Traits

In today’s episode, we cover charisma with AJ, Johnny, and Michael. 

Charisma can make the difference between a fulfilling life and a depressing lonely existence, but what actually is charisma, why is it so powerful, and how can you develop it to bring out the best in you and the people around you?

What to Listen For

  • What is charisma? – 1:10
  • How does science define and perceive charisma?
  • What is it about charismatic leaders that makes them stand out and what can you learn from them?
  • Can charisma be learned?
  • The importance of being present – 11:02
  • What are the three internal dials you can play with in order to figure out the level of charisma best suited for your personality?
  • What does it mean to be present and why is it important if you want to be charismatic?
  • Turning up your enthusiasm – 26:30 
  • What do many people get wrong about enthusiasm and what does it mean to live with more enthusiasm?
  • What simple changes can you make right now to be more enthusiastic in your interactions with other people?
  • What easy steps can you take to increase your enthusiasm and put you in a better mood?
  • Confidence is the key to unlocking your potential – 40:15
  • When is confidence most useful and why do those times also allow you to strengthen your confidence?

Charisma might feel like something a person just has, but like many traits, it can be broken down into easily understood components. Once you understand what those components are, you can then take steps to develop them and allow your personality to shine by being a more charismatic version of yourself.

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Resources from this Episode

Speaker 1: Welcome back to the art of charm podcast show designed to help you communicate with power and become unstoppable on your path from hidden genius to influential leader. We know you have what it takes to reach your full potential and each and every week we share with you interviews and strategies to help you transform your life. By helping you unlock your X factor, whether you're in sales, leadership, medicine, building client relationships, or even looking for love. We got what you need. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary I'm and I'm Johnny, thank you everyone for tuning in let's kick off today's toolbox episode, we're talking all about charisma. We're going to break down what charisma actually is, why it's so powerful and how you can develop it. Now we know when you're in the presence of a charismatic person, that memory sticks, and at the same time, it's often difficult to point out at exactly what it is that makes this person so captivating.

Speaker 1: And that of course makes it difficult to learn how to become charismatic. The reason for that is charisma is not a single behavior. Instead, what science shows is, that's a variety of traits that come together and make that charismatic person, the center of our attention. And we're going to look into the research and break down true charisma into its individual traits. And we're going to give you a lot of actual advice for each one of those traits. So you can be more charismatic today. You don't even have to learn all those traits at once, even improving just one of them, a little is going to give your own charisma a massive boost. You'll see it in reactions of those around you. And it's going to propel you into practicing this more and more. Michael, thank you for joining us here in our new digs in our Las Vegas studio all the way from Vienna. Yeah. It's a pleasure

Speaker 2: To be here. Let's have some fun. I'm

Speaker 1: Glad our YouTube visitors and viewers are enjoying your magic shirt to our matching background. I even coordinated my boobly for today's episode. We're excited to hop in the new studio and of course we've all heard and seen charismatic people in our lives and wondered what is it that makes them stand out. And I know that there is a lot of great science that probably many in our audience aren't aware of. So we want to jump in first and just talk a little bit about what it is that we mean by career. Yeah. So

Speaker 2: Charisma is actually a term that's been around for quite a while. It was first mentioned by a German sociologist called max Weber. And, um, the thing, however, is that while a hundred years in terms of psychology, that's really just like a day before yesterday. If you think about it. And it's charisma has been the subject of a lot of research that's been going on since the seventies. And at the same time, you still find, you still have a hard time finding a clear in the research and the science and academia and the literature in the scientific literature. And John I know is actually wrote a really interesting paper. It's a, it came out in the, in 2016 and it's titled charisma and ill-defined an ill measured gift. And it seems that charisma, this is what he writes in the paper together with his team. That charisma is one of those things that you immediately recognize. And at the same time, it's really hard to pinpoint what creates it. So that's why I'm excited about our episode today, because we're going to unravel that mystery there. Um, and for the purpose of this toolbox episode, I propose that we go with, um, the definition that I like the most, and this is psychology. Today's definition of charisma. And they write, I quote charisma is the ability to attract to charm and to influence the people around you.

Speaker 1: I like that. And I, I want to lean into this ability to attract. And when you hear that, the first thing you think about is a mate, right? You're looking for a date to attract somebody, however, attraction doesn't end there. Attraction. Also you attract opportunities. You attract new friends, you attract good times. Then this is part of what charisma brings you. And that's what I love about this. It's not just about dating. There's a larger context to it. And I know some recent guests, rich Deviney Joe Navarro have talked a lot about traits and how important traits and attributes are and developing out our personality and standing out. And that's why it's going to be fun to unpack the traits behind charisma, because I think many of us have this gut instinct feeling when we are encountering someone who's charismatic. And of course we remember them, but it can be difficult to get it moving ourselves and feel charismatic, especially in those moments of tension and pressure.

Speaker 1: So we have to start first and foremost with charisma can be learned. There's this myth that we are just born with it. And either you have it or you don't. So if you're tuning in today and you're sitting here saying, well, I don't feel charismatic, no fear. We can develop it. And we've been helping our clients in bootcamps and X-Factor accelerator over the years do just that. So that's why we're excited to unpack a little bit more of these traits and give you some actual steps to actually impact the world around you. Because when you're charismatic that energy flows outward and everyone else around you is left better than you found them.

Speaker 2: It's just like any other traits out there like extroversion conscientiousness, openness to new experiences is it's both nature and nurture. So certain part of it comes with your DNA and you are born with this as the Greeks called it, the divine gift. There's a small part there, but the nurture part is that much stronger. And that's the part where we can really go in and with the right techniques, develop this out. So if you show me two people and one has like this talent for charisma, but the other one has this drive to really work on it. Like my money goes to the second person, because I know that they will reach new levels, that the other person that simply relies on the charisma that they already have, they'll reach a glass ceiling and they don't see that glass ceiling either. That's, you know, that's why it's, that's, what's a devious about them. But the one that says, Hey, you know what? This is where I can find you in my charisma. These are the, these are the parts of it that I want to work on. And this is how I work on them. Like that person becomes unstoppable.

Speaker 1: I know for myself and our are probably some show fans still listening, who heard the first episode of this podcast, or if you were friends with me in high school, even some of my family members listening, they'll be the first to admit that I was not charismatic. I started the show, documenting my own journey towards finding that charisma and trying to develop those traits in my own life. And it's so fun. Now, when we do podcast interviews, we talk to agencies and contractors who want to work with us and they always remark, wow, you guys are so charismatic and dynamic. And I just wish they could have seen me in high school because that's not the case. When you understand, yes, you might be influenced by your genes to get a little bit more energy, to be a little bit more extroverted, to put yourself in opportunities, to be more charismatic.

Speaker 1: Certainly that helps. But I grew up in a household with a single dad who was introverted, who was not very charismatic either. So I didn't even have great examples growing up in my life to really model and develop these traits around. As I started to unpack the science and realize as we're going to talk about these three pieces, wow. It gave me so much more power and control in my life. Instead of hoping that I would just magically get lucky or turn it on one day, or if I got a good night's sleep that charisma just show up. I now know that if I just turn these three dials up in a situation like a job interview, a first date, a podcast interview, I can show up as a charismatic person and leave that impact for myself. I'm a performer and I love the performing arts.

Speaker 1: And when you look at people who get on stage, whether it's an actor, whether it's a musician, they're able to turn it on and turn it off. Or if you're an actor or a performer, you were able to transform yourself into somebody else. When you get on stage and watching people. When I started to learn like the person who I'm speaking to, isn't the person on the stage and the person on the stage isn't necessarily the person I'm going to be speaking to afterwards. It made me realize that you can turn certain things off and on to become who it is you need to be in that moment. What I didn't know were the exact levers that you push and pull until I got involved in self-development and we've been able to isolate them. And that's what we're going to be discussing today. Now, if you're listening to the show, you most likely view yourself as a hidden genius.

Speaker 1: And there are probably people around you who don't know just how smart you are. So let's talk about this hidden genius really quickly. How do we know that we know that because what we discuss on this show is very heady, deep topics that we're not here for, for drama and, and yelling about the news and whatever is on the internet today, what we're discussing is self-development who is going to be willing to put themselves in a position to better themselves. People who know that they can. And so if you know that you can, and that you're reaching for something, then you have decided that there are people are not seeing who you truly are. And, and you haven't even seen your true potential, but you know, it is inside you. You have seen flashes of this genius. So you are looking to be more consistent.

Speaker 1: And what consistence looks like when it comes to self development. As I like to use this dark board analogy where you have a dartboard, you're throwing the darts and getting a bullseye is incredibly difficult, especially in being consistent all the time. That's perfection, everyone. Who's listening to this show cause we were hidden geniuses. We know that perfection is not the answer and that that is unachievable. However, the more you practice it, throwing those thoughts at that bull's eye, the closer you're going to get to that perfection and the closer you're going to be to becoming that hidden genius. And with practice, you can do that on a more consistent basis. As we started the show with, if you're sitting there listening as a hidden genius, the first thing you want to do in your life is become that influential leader. You want others to see your genius and you want to be someone who steps up set, whether that's in your dating life, your social life or your professional life.

Speaker 1: The first step to becoming influential is charisma. Charisma directly impacts your influence. If you're not leaving a positive first impression, if you're not leaving a positive impact, you have no influence. They're not going to listen to the rest of what you have to say. They're not going to follow you. They're not going to pursue you. So if you want to become that influential leader, start showing the world your genius. We need to start developing our charisma. And Michael, I know you have a fun car metaphor that we love using around this exact idea of how charisma works in our lives.

Speaker 2: I don't know if it's fun. Um, but I was listening to H you talked about the three dials, which we're gonna talk about in the bed. And, uh, Johnny, you were talking about the, the, the dark metaphor. And I was thinking like for most people, developing charisma is like, it's like, I'm throwing darts at a dartboard while looking at the mirror and throwing it over their shoulder while they are balancing on one. It like it's super complex is what, what, what are the three dials? Like what are these guys talking about? It's, it's very complex and it's very nebulous. And that's what overwhelms a lot of people as they try to develop their, their charisma, because you can't point at a charismatic speaker or leader and say, that's it like, that's the one thing that does it. It's that network of these traits playing together.

Speaker 2: And, and that even when, when people do learn those traits, they're still oftentimes a little bit overwhelmed by all the staff they have to manage. And this is where my air quotes fun car metaphor comes in. Because if you think back to the very first time you sat in a car, it's like so many things going on this steering wheel, that all the panels, all the switches, all this stuff, right? Like, well, where do I even start? Well, where do you start? First? You find someone who knows how to drive a car and you're listening to the show. So you found, you know, some experts on charisma, and then you start looking at the individual pieces. First, you learn how, I don't know. It's been a long while since I got my driver's license. So maybe you start with learning how to use the steering wheel.

Speaker 2: And then you learn how to use the clutch. And then you learn how to use the turn signal on. And then you learn how the traffic regulations work and what the street signs mean. So, so you're not going all in. You're not starting your first day in the car, on the highway, right? You start by taking the first steps and practicing those and getting battery better at them. And then 10, 20 years later, you look back and it's like, of course, driving a car is easy. You know, I don't even have to think about it anymore. And that's what we want to take you guys. I

Speaker 1: Remember the first time that I had my dad in the car with me, when I learned to drive and we picked up the car that I purchased with my graduation money. And we took that thing straight on the highway. And that was the first and last time my dad had ever gotten in the car while I was driving. Tell you that much, your dad's a wise man. I haven't spent too much time in a car with you driving either now much like driving. You can't fake charisma. You can't fake being an F1 driver. You can't fake charisma. And I think this is honestly where a lot of people get it wrong, whether it's other coaches or other programs around developing out your charisma, this idea that if you just pretend you're someone else, if you just look at those charismatic figures, you just pretend you're ex president Clinton, right?

Speaker 1: Someone who we all identify as very charismatic, no matter what side of the aisle you're on. Well, you can't pretend to be ex president Clinton. That's not going to work for you. You can't fake this stuff. Science actually is the way through for you developing this. And that's why so important for us to define these three dials for you and how you turn those dials. And in what combination and what degree you turn them is going to be different. Johnny's charisma is different than my charisma is different than Michael's charisma. And it's important. We don't want you to become Johnny. We don't want you to become aging. We want you to understand these traits in yourself and bring them to the forefront when you want to. When you, I want to add something there as well. And I used this example of actors or performance artists who are get on stage and they transform themselves before our eyes into this character.

Speaker 1: And you mentioned that you can't fake charisma. I think this is why so many actors get lost in roles that they are playing, where they can't get out of the role, because they have transformed themselves to the best of their ability to be this person. And for a lot actors and some have ruined their careers because they have gotten either stuck or they get pigeonholed as a certain character. And it messes with them because when you act in a certain way, you think in a certain way. And so by, by doing that and for long periods of time, and if you're in a working on a movie, that movie might be being filmed for close to a year. And to be this character, to wake up, move in a certain manner, to start becoming this person for so many hours a day, it's why they get lost.

Speaker 1: This is so I have to agree. I don't think you can fake it. You may get away with it for about 10 minutes, maybe an hour faking it. But, but eventually your true character is going to be exposed. And if you're listening, we know you don't want to fake it. You're here for the right reasons. And that's why we love working with clients on exactly this, developing out these traits for you. Stop. Are you tired of inconsistent results? Are you dating who you want to be dating? Are you where you want to be in your career? Do you have a proper roadmap to get you to where you want to go? If you're tired of wasting time and tired of seeing other people effortlessly build their dream lives while you work twice as hard with fewer results to show for it, perhaps it's time to get the guidance, skills and accountability.

Speaker 1: You need to reach that next level. Our X-Factor accelerator you'll develop the tools to communicate powerfully, cultivate, unstoppable confidence, and be held accountable by a community of high value members, mentors, and coaches. This is no ordinary community or group each member has been selected and vetted to make sure that your experience is a prosperous one. That's right. AIJ our members are driven, knowledgeable and dedicated to advancing their lives and the lives of our community. They are CEOs, professionals, entrepreneurs, servicemen. So come join the fun. If implementing concepts from this show has enhanced your life. Imagine what a year long mentorship in the X factor accelerator could do for you. Unlock your very own X-Factor and become extraordinary apply [email protected] That's right. Pause the show and head on over to unlock your X-Factor dot com to apply today. So let's talk about these three dials because once we crack this code for you, it's going to get really exciting as you start to realize, oh, this is what I need to be focusing on to actually be that charismatic version of myself.

Speaker 1: Now, this first one presence you may have heard us mention it on the show in the past. And it actually is so key to being charismatic, because if you are in the future, thinking about what you're going to say next, or setting up that one liner so that you get the crowd laughing, you are not being charismatic. If you're living in the past and you're dwelling on what you said previously and why that didn't go over well and why that person has judged you, you can't possibly be charismatic. We are drawn to charismatic people because they are fully and 100% engaged in the moment that they are in with you. They are not thinking about other things. They are not worried, whether it's self-reflection or outward when everyone else is doing that presence is key to you establishing charisma that others can feel in interacting with you.

Speaker 1: And when I was in my twenties, like any young person, you're, it's very difficult to just focus on presence that where you are, who you're speaking to and to let go of everything else. And certainly for me, that was difficult as a young person, I was very rambunctious. I had a lot of things that I want to do. And like any young person, especially a young man, you're thinking about, what am I getting out of this interaction? And for the next interaction I go into, what am I getting out of that? And when I let go of all of those things and just focus on being and concentrating on, focusing on enjoying the interaction with no agenda attached to it, just, this is going to be a conversation and we're going to see where it goes. And I'm going to focus my attention on what they are saying, and I'm going to be listening to them with my eyes and my ears. All of a sudden my focus shifted. And I can also tell the ease that to put other people at. And because of that, I enjoyed the conversations that much more. And so did they, and it was my first initial understanding of changing a few things about myself and then watching my situations change.

Speaker 2: Think about talking with someone, really put yourself into the situation where you're talking with someone and that person is fully there. No looking over your shoulder, no trying to interrupt you, not like reaching for their phone, checking Facebook. They're really, really there. That is really a gift that you can give another person. And I'll tell you what happens for the other person is because you are there constantly being present with them. No matter whether they say something stupid, or there is an awkward pause for a second, you still there and you're present what you allow. The other person to do is to stop being stuck in their mind and to focus on the conversation. Because most of the time, we're like, what if we get interrupted? What if I say something stupid? What if there's an awkward pause, but be there and be present. And the other person learns that, Hey, I can relax. I can enjoy this conversation. I can just be myself. Now, how does that change? The conversation

Speaker 1: And presence is not easy, especially for those who are inexperienced. And I know, and about myself growing up, not feeling charismatic, we even see this in our bootcamps. Over the past weekend, we do video work with our clients and we have our team challenged them in conversation. Because inevitably, when you're going into a situation where you're going to be filmed, you're going to have interaction with someone. What do you do? You start strategizing, you start thinking, I'm going to say this. They're going to say this. Then I can say that. Now you got a seven layer cake of how the conversation's going to go. And guess what happens when one of our coaches throws a monkey wrench in and goes left? When you're thinking they're going to go, right. Well, the other six layers of your cake collapsed and the conversation falls flat and that's not charismatic.

Speaker 1: So you have to gain experience in these moments of tension and pressure to remove the what ifs, right? If I've talked to a thousand people at networking events, do you think I'm going to be overwhelmed with what ifs on the thousand and first person that I talked to know those, what ifs start to diminish with experience and that's, as we said earlier, why you can't fake this stuff? You can't fake being present. You can't pretend that you're not thinking about the past or the future. When you're in conversation with people, we naturally innately pick up on that in others. And if you have a significant other or a spouse, I guarantee you, there's nothing that gets on your nerves more than when they're not fully present. And you're sharing an emotional bit when you are trying to connect with them. And they're thinking about that text or what's on their calendar or their to-do list that's ever growing.

Speaker 1: So presence is something that we have to practice. We have to gain experience in actually centering yourself in that moment. And of course there are ways to do that with mindfulness. We highly recommend whether you're in our X-Factor program or in our bootcamp through experience of putting yourself in conversations with strangers constantly consistently, and those what ifs diminish and your ability to be centered and present goes through the roof. I see so many young go, okay, I want to be more present. And I'm working on that. What should I be focusing on? Emotional bids are just one aspect of many that you could be focusing on that is going to give you an opportunity to really uplift the other person, as well as the context of the communication that is being sent. So the emotions that are are being, uh, conveyed in that conversation. I mean, there is a lot, and it's, it's pick the thing that you want to focus on and, and, and transfix on that.

Speaker 1: And that trans fiction is, again, putting that attention on the other person. It's not self-focused attention. It's not concern about what could happen or what has happened in the past. And I think that's why we often feel that charisma is so fleeting. It's so difficult to pin down because you have to be fully centered and comfortable with yourself to be present. In these moments. You don't have clear direction and what you're focusing on, you're inevitably just going to get stuck in your head because you're in this conversation with somebody, you might not know that very well. So there's tension and pressure there. Once that tension of pressure kicks in, you have no choice, but to focus on yourself unless you know what you're focusing on. That's so key when it comes to presence, it's so easy for you to go, oh yeah, totally. I know I need to be present.

Speaker 1: That makes complete sense to me. Think about the conversations that you're having on a daily basis. Right now, we've talked about this on the show in the past autopilot conversations where you ask someone in small talk, how are you doing? You give a normal answer. I'm good. Move on to the next thing. If you really want to practice presence and strengthen your frame around this exact thing, to develop out your charisma, stop falling into the trap of autopilot responses. Start changing small talk, by being honest, by being vulnerable, by being authentic. And that's going to create more opportunity in your life to practice being present. You can be present with the barista instead of when she says, Hey, how's your day going? You go good. You tell her actually it's epic. I just finished a bootcamp in Las Vegas. And I'm so excited for the transformation our clients had that I can't wait to drive home to LA and share it on my social media. That's a totally different response than my day is good. How's yours. And it creates moments with strangers for you to practice presence. Now let's talk about the second dial my goal, because I feel like presence is foundational. Once we get that handled, we can start actually dialing up the second one presence,

Speaker 2: Definitely 90% of the equation at the beginning. That's where you get the most bang for your buck. When it comes to charisma. The second one is enthusiasm. That's the, the high energy, the good vibes, the fascination that you have with being in the moment with whatever it is that you're doing. And now someone might raise a finger and go like, yeah, but you know, there's not that much to be excited about in my, in my job or in my, I don't know whatever I'm doing. I'm grocery shopping. Like, what are you talking about? Right. But that's where the charisma comes in, because I can promise you that you can see people in a grocery store or in a boring office job that are really enthusiastic about some of the things they're doing. And you can get enthusiastic about buying yogurt in the grocery store. I'm like, oh man, there's a new like blueberry yogurt. I'm so gonna try that out. It just, you know, next time that barista osteo, you do it. You can talk about the, the blueberry yogurt that, that you just found. And, and this idea of just finding the magic and the excitement and even the everyday things going into life with this, beginner's mind maybe seeing everything again a little bit for the first time and see where, where that magic was and then bringing it back.

Speaker 1: Now, I have to point out something about enthusiasm because when many people hear enthusiasm, they think, oh, I just have to be louder. I have to change my vocal tonality. And that's certainly one part of enthusiasm, but enthusiasm is also conveyed through non verbal communication, which is why we love video work in our programs, both an X-Factor in the video work that we do in zoom or in person in our bootcamp. You don't often realize how you're showing up in your nonverbal communication with strangers. We, if we feel a little anxiety, tension and pressure, often default to self-soothing behaviors and those signal, a lack of enthusiasm, or even an active disinterest. So enthusiasm is actually not furrowing your brow, but having that excitement show on your face, that smile on your lips, that eye contact conveys enthusiasm. And when I think about enthusiasm, I think about how we interact with newborn infants, right?

Speaker 1: So if you're a new parent or you have children, how did you interact with those infants when they came home, you were so expressive in your face and in your communication to try to get that expression back from them, right. To try to get that enthusiasm mirrored back. And I think we can bring that into conversations with adults and convey that same level of enthusiasm and that amps up our charisma. So understanding that enthusiasm is not just, oh, I've got to add some energy in my voice. I just got to speak louder and let the other person know that I'm excited with my tonality. You know, as we saw over the weekend, simple changes in your eye contact in opening up your arms, instead of crossing them and actually wearing a smile on your face. When other people are things with you conveys the enthusiasm that leads to them, feeling that charisma from you for each three of these.

Speaker 1: And we'll get to the next one in a minute. I remember understanding them. And then I remember learning them and being able to measure the results. And then from there, it was well, now that I see the results of adding this into my communication, do I want to continue with it? So presence was certainly one of those things. I remember working on it. I remember the results and I remember thinking, wow, this is making life so much easier. Enthusiasm is no different. And as you know, AIJ when you met me, I was a bar manager and bartender and talent buyer for a club that I was working at in North Carolina. When I got into self-development and started learning all this stuff, I used to pick out something every evening to use in my interactions at work behind the bar as a bartender. And I got plenty of reps and I would choose something and maybe I would work on that one thing for a week, three weeks, whatever the period would be as I was measuring the results.

Speaker 1: And I also, I remember I would measure those results, monetarily, and the money that I was making through my tips presence. Of course you could imagine certainly up the money that I was making, but in Thule, diazepam in that scenario. And in that context of being in a bar, and I want to also set this up where as a musician and as a guitar player, my heroes were Keith Richards, Johnny thunders, all these way, way too cool for school guys. And I carried that sort of air with me. And you can imagine in dealing with people with those sort of, with an interaction like that, the results that I would get, they were certainly mixed. Some people got it. Some people didn't, a lot of people thought I was an arrogant. However, when I started working on presence, when I started bringing enthusiasm in it for the just show people that I was interested in, excited to be speaking to them, my tips went through the roof.

Speaker 1: My interactions got that much easier. This is when people now started to seek me out because the interactions were so enjoyable. And as you always say, and this is a Dale Carnegie thing that people remember how you make them feel, not what you say to them. And so when you allow people to feel good, and because you have a large smile on your face and you are enjoying the conversation, well, that makes it easier for them. They're feeling good. Now they're going to seek you out because they want more of your time because that time enhances their life. Well, there's actually a scientific basis for this enthusiasm is actually contagious. Yes, you can actually transfer that emotional state onto the other person, which as Carnegie said, you're making them feel good. And then remember that they felt good around you.

Speaker 2: And they came enthusiastic and felt good as well. The emotional contagion, which is true for every emotion out there. I mean, if you go into a room and you are hunched over, you're sad, you're angry. You'll, this is a weird word to use in 2021. But you'll in fact, those around you with that exact same emotion. So what do you want it to be? We want it to be high energy, happy energy, or do you want it to be slow, giant taken aback, being, being quiet. And this is, this is if the core of attention approval and an acceptance that bringing that stuff out there so that it spreads throughout the room. And who brought it there? You did. I want to point out one thing though, and that's sometimes life's a little bit difficult and enthusiasm means that you are an optimist, but it doesn't mean that you see everything as, as rosy all the time, because let's face it. Sometimes, you know, you're in a situation that's a little bit difficult and being an optimist. And that situation means that you always see that there are other choices. This is not the be all end, all of it. Like there are always other choices and your job is to enthusiastically point them out, think them out and then go that route.

Speaker 1: And that's key choices. You know, if you're a super fan of the show, you might even know that Johnny and I have a tattoo around this exact concept of the choices we make and how impactful those choices are. We have a tattoo of the letters B over a, and that B is the choice, the choice to enjoy the sock, to embrace the struggle, to realize that the payoff is on the other end of the suffering, whatever that suffering may be and understanding that you show up every day with that ability to make the choice, to wipe the slate, clean, to look for the positive, to see even in the struggle that there's something great. That's going to come out. The other end of that, we have interviewed some of the most amazing people on this show. And it's, it's a blessing every day. But one of the things that I've, I have gathered from those interviews as the most successful people do embrace the suck with a smile on their face.

Speaker 1: And we were just talking about this yesterday with somebody like David Goggins or Jocko Willink, where Jocko, if anything goes wrong, the answer is good. Good, good. Right. It's raining outside. How are we good? Hey, this is not working good because he sees it as an opportunity to get better, to learn, to do something different. Now it's going to be novel. Uh, David Goggins in the same manner. It's like, great. It's going to be awful. Let's let's get to it. And I want to speak about pessimism because I know there are some pessimists, the audience, and that's okay. Part of the reason, and the impetus for this show is to help you build the relationships in your life that support you in those moments of weakness. In those moments of pessimism and pessimism is only temporary. So if you surround yourself with high value people, if you use the tools and skills from this show to find uplifting, enthusiastic, present friends with that charisma, they will be there to support you through the pessimism.

Speaker 1: And that's not to say Johnny and I are blind optimist. And if you followed along over the last year, we lost a significant chunk of our business to the pandemic. For years, if you're listening to the show, we would have told you to, Hey, come out, hang out with us in LA. We have a bootcamp with your name on it. And guess what? COVID taught us. Well, we can't do that anymore. So yeah, we had some self doubt. We had some pessimism. We were like, how the heck are we going to turn this thing around? Well, there's certainly a lot of uncertainty for a lot of people during that time, because that's what happens in life. But I knew no matter how pessimistic I was, Johnny was going to give me that sprinkle of optimism. I was going to hop on zoom with Michael and Vienna and he was going to cheer me up.

Speaker 1: And I knew that I would start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I surround myself with people who see the light at the end of the tunnel and vice versa. There were moments of self-doubt for Johnny and his moved to Las Vegas. And we talked through it. And that's why we want you as a listener to take everything you're learning from the show, make it actionable in your life and achieve great results. Reach your full potential. Surrounded with people who, what I want to do at this point is I want to give our audience a few things that they can do for, to, to Jack their enthusiasm, to get it moving. And also what to look for to know that you are hearing you're hitting that bulls-eye or at least coming close to it. So with enthusiasm, Aja you're, you're on the phone a lot, you're doing a lot of cells here at, at ASC.

Speaker 1: Do you have anything to fire yourself up when you got that call? Because you know, you have to be enthusiastic when you get on that phone to talk to people. And any time that I'm doing any of the coaching or I'm reaching out, or I'm doing sales, or I'm just doing outreach. I fire myself up. I get off the couch. I got my ear buds in. I start walking around, I get my juices flowing so that when that person answers on the other end, they don't have a, they don't have a choice, but to come on that ride with me, Jesus, this is flowing is exercise, right? Exercise creates the brain chemistry necessary to fertilize that enthusiasm. All right. So I know that moving my body and exercises is number one. I'm going to be a little honest. I know we bash a lot of social media on the show.

Speaker 1: One of my guilty pleasures is aspiring. Uptechtalk checking out what the next generation of kids are listening to. And I will end up in these Spotify playlist rabbit holes, because I'm not up on music like you are Johnny. I don't have very much time, but if I find a little tick, talk about top five dance songs. This summer I'll look up that playlist. And Ali will find a few songs in that playlist that fire me up. And you better believe if I'm feeling a little pessimistic. If I'm feeling a little self doubt, if I'm not feeling my most confident self, which we'll talk about next, I will put on that playlist before I pick up the phone before I sketch a client before I get in front of that room, because I know that that creates a state change in me and gets my enthusiasm, juices flowing.

Speaker 1: That's the most important part of that. You have to find what allows certain triggers, buttons to be turned on turnoff, to put you in an emotional state. The one that you are looking for that is going to benefit you for what you have to do. So if you're going on a sales call, you want, you want to trigger yourself into the emotional state that allows you to, to focus on the other person, to be excited, to learn about who we are going to be talking about and whether or not you can help this person. If it's an outreach of a word word on an chai with a new vendor that might be coming on the healthy or the charm, well, get fired up to show them who they're going to be working with and get them fired up to want to be a part of what we have going on here.

Speaker 1: And sometimes I just have to fire up the PS five, turn on FIFA 21. You can find my handle at AIG harbinger. I've had a few show. Fans challenged me in FIFA, and I just need to beat some stranger online in a game or two, a FIFA. And that, that pumps my state and gets me going again. Are you, are you pushing that? Or you cha so sounds like a challenge straight up. It is a challenge. Now let's talk about this third dial. I subtly hinted at it and I know we've had numerous episodes about it. We certainly coach our clients in this exact area. All of this falls flat. If we don't have confidence, if we don't have that belief that we can be charismatic, that people do see us in a positive life and we then become authentic and assertive in our communication, right? If we are lacking in confidence, we're holding back that enthusiasm. And we're certainly going to be struggling with presence, right? Michael,

Speaker 2: I want to point out something that a lot of people get wrong when it comes to confidence. Confidence doesn't mean you don't have fear. Confidence means that you will have the trust in yourself to deal with whatever comes your way. So when I go up on stage to give a talk, I know something's going to go wrong. The clicker doesn't work, the microphone stops working. There's someone going wild in the audience. I don't know something is always going wrong. And the, uh, the, the question is, do I trust myself to deal with a situation? Do I trust myself that if there's, I, I dunno someone hacked laying in the background of the audience or someone's phone ringing, distracting everyone. Do I trust myself to deal with a situation? And that's where the confidence comes in. So there might still be an element of fear there, but that doesn't have a say in what I'm doing while, while I'm having my moment. And, and that's actually at the, at the root of, of confidence. So Frank from the Latin con fedora with trust, this is not, this is not necessarily a feeling confidence as a behavior, trusting yourself in handling whatever comes your way.

Speaker 1: Michael. I know you're very humble. Lots of humility. You've been on thousands of stages as a public speaker, and you still know that something's going to go wrong and trust the process anyways. So that's not to say that Michael, some rookie onstage and oh, the clicker is going to go wrong. Or we've had a one-off presentation, thousands of stages, tons of public speaking, still trust in yourself that no matter what it is, the slides not working, the computer plug chargers, fried the clickers, distracting you, you have trust in your ability to show up to the best authentic, assertive version of you in those moments. And

Speaker 2: That's okay. Comes also with that. That's why you can't fake that charisma stuff, right? You need to be out there like Johnny was saying earlier, it's like, you're bringing it on. Right. Something goes wrong. Like, like bring it. Uh, I'm doing, I'm doing a workshop tomorrow. And in my mind, I'm already thinking, okay, something's going to go wrong. Like, everything is prepped, everything is prepped. And I know that something's going to go wrong. And my mindset is, yeah, bring it on. Let's see, like, I'll show you how I deal with it. Right. And, and here's the cool thing. If you, if I handle things like that on stage in front of an audience with confidence, like no matter what goes wrong for the audience, there still is charismatic person up there on stage dealing with a situation. And what they're thinking is like, whoa, you know, there's just like there was Nasr is walking over the stage and his microphone exploded and then, you know, whatever, and this dude was just chilling there and, you know, taking things like that's, you can't, you can't show that you're confident almost until like something kind of has to go wrong for people to see like, whoa, this person is, is confidence.

Speaker 2: So there's, there's nothing. Well there's of course there's something wrong with, you know, things not going right. But in terms of charisma, this is, this is your time to shine as well.

Speaker 1: I think it's really important to point out that many of us right now, listening to the show and our lives are in high stakes situations, negotiations, interviews, even first dates or high stakes situations where we don't want to be rejected. We don't want to make a fool of ourselves. And unfortunately we are not practicing showing up in low stakes situations enough to work through that tension pressure, to be able to turn it on in those high stakes moments. And that's really why we love the X factor accelerator program, because we work together to create low stakes environments for you to practice these exact communication skills in to simulate that self-doubt that judgment coming up and holding you back from being authentic. And if you put yourself in enough, low stakes situations where you push through that fear, that self doubt, you overcome it in a meaningful way that allows you to show up authentically.

Speaker 1: You're going to have confidence going into the high stakes situation. You will have trained that muscle to wrestle with the self doubt, to defeat the self doubt and come out the other end, realizing that, Hey, I can do this. And that's what I think is so key about coaching and training and, and working with us or working with any coach for that matter. Because if you're not putting yourself in situations to practice, to get a feel for what that situation is going to be like in the future, then you are going to be hit with what ifs you are going to be living in the past and not be present. You are not going to be able to be enthusiastic at a high stakes situation, because these are new feelings for you. These are new situations that all of a sudden you have to start to take in.

Speaker 1: You have to rationalize. So putting yourself in low stakes situations outside of your comfort zone, allow you in those high stakes situations to really, I love confidence and I love gaining confidence. And I love putting in the work that allows me to know that no matter what happens in this situation, when lose fell, flaw, whatever that there's confidence to be gained. And even to this day, I'm 47. I've been playing in bands on stage since I was a kid, since I don't know, 15 years old, I have gone on stage and have, have sucked for so many times that the idea of going on stage now at 47 is great. And do I know that there is a, there's a likelihood that the show does not go well, of course, but confidence that you gain from learning, from failing, from picking yourself back up, dusting yourself off from knowing and seeing flashes that there is greatness there.

Speaker 1: It makes it easy for you to put aside all of those failings, all of those learnings to strive for what you know is the good stuff. And, and I love that. And so even for myself now, uh, we were talking about Michael doing a speaking gig. If I was to do a speaking gig. And I, I find speaking gigs more nerve-wracking than playing on stage because I'm so used to that. However, I will take the opportunity to speak on stage regardless because I don't care if I fell. I don't care if it doesn't go good, that opportunity gives me more confidence for the next one. And I'm only getting that by saying yes, and saying whatever comes with that. Yes is okay. And in fact, I'm still gaining. And I say this in our programs all the time, you get three things every time that you say yes, every time you say yes to a new experience, you open yourself up to an opportunity. You get three things. Number one, you get a story, you get a story to tell your friends about what happened and what, where it went wrong, or how it went great. An opportunity to share you learn something about yourself that you previously did not know. And that information is invaluable because you know where you stand, which means, you know, where, where you need to go, what the work that you have to put in to move forward. And then lastly, you get experience points that always transfer to confidence points regardless.

Speaker 2: So Johnny, this is exactly what happened to me with the first talk ever that I gave in Germany. Now, this was a big thing for my family. Um, they came from everywhere. Uh, the venue was so packed. I think they had, it was so packed that people were standing all the way in the quarry door, out through the door. It was a small venue, but, but anyway, like for, you know, little Michael like doing this first talk ever,

Speaker 1: Michael, I want to know that for a lot of people speaking on stage public speaking is the number one fear that they're going to have to deal with for a lot of people, for a majority of people, fear,

Speaker 2: Uh, public speaking, second biggest fear death. So yeah,

Speaker 3: There you go. There you go. So

Speaker 2: I'm doing this talk, right? It's a 40 minute talk. It's a very personal, it's a very vulnerable talk with this packed audience and I blank. And I'm 30 minutes into the talk and I completely blank. And I didn't track my notes. Like my notes were still on like page one and I'm looking at your audience and everyone's looking back at me. And in my mind, I'm like, this is what the entire world is like, scared off and under the middle of it. And then I'm looking around, it's like, this is kind of cool. This is kind of cool. And then it came back to me like what the next piece was. And I was thinking, well, let me, let me sit in this moment just for one more second. And then I launched back into, into my talk. And at the end of the talk, I turned to one of my family members and I said, I totally blanked, but, but no one realized it. And she looks at me and she goes, I, no, dude, that was really, really, really obvious that you had totally forgotten everything to say. And, and here we go, like freaking story, uh, which is kind of, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a cool, fun story that you can tell with enthusiasm. So even there in a moment like that, that that's, that has so much potential in, in a conversation as well. Every great

Speaker 1: Success in your life is on top of a mountain of tiny failures. Every great success is a culmination of you failing in a variety of different ways, unlocking that experience to lead to the confidence, to take that action, to get to success. So I want to recap three dials. We busted some myths. It is charisma is nature, nurture. We have influence over it. We can develop it out. It's a confluence of three traits. So now we understand the dials in our life that we need to turn up to be charismatic. We need to be present. We need to show enthusiasm and we need to have confidence. So our challenge for you this week, each and every day, I want you to think about one of those dials and how you can turn it up a notch, how you can be more present in your communication and conversation.

Speaker 1: How can you show more enthusiasm in your work, in your relationship and how can you be more authentic and assertive to showcase that confidence, to lead to the charisma that we're all chasing. If you're listening to the show, we know you're chasing it. And if you're feeling right now that you're authentic, but not assertive, or that you struggled to show enthusiasm and people don't respond well to you, or it's just so hard, you're in your head all the time, presence is fleeting. And it's a challenge. I encourage you to take a look at our X factor accelerator and become one of our success stories, working through this with other people who are on that same journey in low stakes environments to create the mountain of tiny failures that lead to great success. [inaudible]

Speaker 1: Johnny. That was a lot to get through. So if you've wondered why charismatic people stand out so much? Well now, you know, charisma is made up of so many parts that very few people truly scientifically understand it. And even if they understand it, even fewer people have the drive to practice these traits too well, because it is made up of several different traits. That's what makes it difficult because everyone can see a charismatic person and make a couple guesses of what makes that person charismatic. And they would be right, partially because it is the sum of the whole, right? It's all of those parts. All of those traits together is what makes somebody incredibly charismatic. But all of us know those certain little traits that our friends or people that we look up to have, that we look to bring more into our life. But as we were talking about in the show, by experimenting and working and building on all of them makes you a very well-rounded charismatic person and that's what we're discussing.

Speaker 1: And that's what we want people to be. And that's what makes last weekend so amazing. We had a bootcamp in Las Vegas and we watch those participants charisma grow over the course of just three days, focusing on those three traits. And we've been working with Todd for a little while in X-Factor and now boot camp. And it was amazing to see his transformation over the weekend. Charisma is not something you're born with. We can develop it. Now this week, shout out, goes to one of our newest X-Factor members. Eric wrote me to tell me a little bit about a win he had just within the first week of joining X factor. I tried the how and why questions with a new volunteer at work that was feeling a little cynical at first, as often people talk, but just don't show up. I use the things in the lesson and found he just moved here from New York and has gotten hired at GM.

Speaker 1: He really cares about nature and tech, which I never would have known otherwise, as we talked, he told me about stuff he's worked on in tech and his background and experience in Python and raspberry pies. I did, we should connect with our sensor team and he was over the moon about that. It's a team that is stuck on a software problem with some heat sensors in the wall. We have sensors and data loggers all over, but using what I learned this week made a huge difference. Thanks so much for helping me. Uh, I love hearing that that's exactly what X factor is about. Not only are the core modules there, so you're learning and growing each and every week, but Johnny, Michael and I are there to support you in our coaching calls. If you're ready to unlock your very own X factor, head over to unlock your X factor.com to apply today and be like, Eric, start seeing results. Now, could you do us in the entire artist time team, a huge favor. Could you head on over to iTunes and rate and review this podcast? It would certainly mean the world to us and it helps others find the show until next week. I'm a J Johnny go out there and crush it.

Speaker 4: [inaudible] [inaudible].

Check in with AJ and Johnny!

AJ Harbinger - author of 1171 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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