If the girl you like has a boyfriend, don’t scheme to break them up. Be the man she enjoys being around, be honest about your interest once if there’s real chemistry, then step back and live your life. If she leaves him, she’ll do it for her own reasons, and you’ll be the obvious choice.
You’ve met someone you really like. You click, the conversation flows, and then it comes up: she has a boyfriend.
Now you’re stuck. Part of you wants to walk away. Part of you is wondering how to win her heart anyway. Here’s my honest answer, after years of hearing this question: you can’t make a woman fall in love with you, boyfriend or not. What you can do is be the kind of man she’s drawn to, be honest about where you stand, and let her make her own choice. That approach works better, and you won’t hate yourself afterward.
Most dating advice tells you what to say. Very little helps you read the person in front of you. The Dating Influence Index is a 15-question quiz that scores five skills: “Notice the signals”, “Share the conversation”, “Choose the moment”, “Show clear interest” and “Make the next step clear”. It tests your judgment in dating situations, not how you compare with other people. Find my Dating Influence Index.
When you’re meeting women regularly, you’re bound to find, and sometimes even fall for, women, younger and older, who already have boyfriends. It can be a frustrating, confusing experience. There’s nothing quite like connecting with someone who turns out to be attached.
Research from the University of Rochester reveals that 67% of people have experienced attraction to someone already in a relationship, with 23% acting on those feelings. The psychological pull isn’t random, it’s rooted in scarcity theory and what researchers call “mate poaching,” where unavailable partners appear more desirable precisely because they’re taken.
In these situations, you have two options: move on, or try anyway.
But making the decision between resignation and pursuit can be difficult. What’s the protocol? What’s the move? And is it acceptable to chase a girl who already has a boyfriend?
Key Takeaways:
- Understand your motives and the ethics of pursuing a woman in a relationship.
- Evaluate the implications of her breakup and the potential challenges.
- Emphasize the importance of setting healthy boundaries and cultivating a strong, independent persona.
- Foster a meaningful connection through shared interests, positivity, and respectful physical touch.
- Recognize the complexities and moral considerations involved in such situations.
First, Ask Yourself: Why This One?
Before you do anything, get honest about what’s pulling you toward her.
- Is it her, or the challenge? Wanting what you can’t have is a powerful feeling. So is wanting to win. Neither is the same as wanting her.
- Is she the only option you can see? If your social life is thin, the woman in front of you can feel like the only one there is. That’s a signal to widen your world, not to fixate.
- Do you actually know her? Or do you know the version of her you see at work, at the gym, or once a week with friends?
If you can answer “why her” with something specific, about who she is and how you are together, keep reading. If you can’t, that’s your answer.
Pursuing a Woman in a Relationship: Understanding Your Motives
Before you go any further, you have to ask yourself why you want a girl who is already spoken for. With over three billion women in the world (and more than a few of them living within 50 miles of you), what makes this one so special? Why this one?
Is she your ex? Because you should check out our guide on how to win her back first.
If you have a compelling answer to “Why this one?” then there might be a good reason to pursue her. If you don’t, if there isn’t anything particularly outstanding about this person, then you already have a reason to respect her circumstances and move on. We’re not here to tell you when and when not to pursue a girl with a boyfriend, only to consider whether there’s a good reason.
If you do choose to pursue her, then next thing you must understand is that the process won’t be easy or always pleasant. Going after a woman who is already attached comes with a few built-in problems.
Considering the Implications of Her Breakup
Even if she wants the relationship to end, it will be difficult and painful for everyone involved. It might even be too painful for her to be with anyone in the short term. What’s more, people’s feelings are highly unpredictable immediately following a breakup. So while she might be interested now, or six weeks from now, she could easily change her mind. You just don’t know how things will shake out after the breakup, no matter what the situation is when you meet.
But let’s say everything goes exactly according to plan. She and her boyfriend break up, she tells you she’s madly in love with you, and the two of you start a relationship. Terrific, but there’s a common problem. You might wonder if there’s another guy around the corner trying to get her to break up with you. You’ll always wonder if the relationship is going to meet the same fate as the last one she was in. This might be rational or irrational, likely or unlikely, but the fear just might linger.
That’s some serious baggage to have to work through, and it can have a corrosive effect on your relationship. Here, as in most relationship challenges, sharing your concerns and discussing them openly will be essential. But it can also lead to some nasty residual fears. The quality of her character, what kind of person she is, should guide your feelings about her post-break-up.
Evaluating Your Intentions: Love or the Challenge?
The desire to be with someone because you can’t imagine being with anyone else is very powerful. But so is the desire to be victorious.
As men we want to prove we’re better, stronger, or more attractive. We want to demonstrate our ability to subvert an existing relationship for our own validation.
These aren’t fun feelings to acknowledge, but they’re crucial to recognize because they’re inherent to the male experience. We must understand our motivations whenever we pursue a woman, especially when there’s someone else in the picture.
That should be one of your guiding questions. Are you chasing a woman to make yourself feel good, or because you must be with her?
What Kind of Relationship Is She In?
“She has a boyfriend” covers a lot of ground. A guy she’s been seeing for three weeks is not the same as a man she’s lived with for five years. And a relationship she talks about with warmth is not the same as one she complains about every time you see her.
Be careful with that last one. Plenty of people vent about relationships they have no intention of leaving. Complaining to you doesn’t mean she’s halfway out the door. It might mean you’re a safe person to talk to.
And if she’s describing a relationship that sounds unhealthy or unsafe, the most useful thing you can be is a good friend who points her to support. Not a rescuer with an agenda.
The Ethics of Pursuing Women in Relationships
We’re not here to dole out philosophical advice. But we will touch on the larger question of whether it’s acceptable to pursue a girl who is already dating someone. In short, sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. Once again, your motivations will help you examine the ethical aspect of chasing a girl with a boyfriend.
All practical considerations aside. If a girl is in a relationship that is unhealthy, abusive or toxic, don’t shed tears about breaking it up. You should, however, think long and hard about the implications of inserting yourself into a toxic relationship (and dating someone who would enter one). At the end of the day, you probably can’t “save” her, so check any part of you that wants to. All you can do is be a supportive, caring friend, let her know that you’re interested, and hope she chooses you. But getting involved in a toxic relationship is also a bit like a quicksand pit. The harder you try to get her, the more enmeshed you become in her toxic relationship. This will sap your energy and make it harder for you to be a strong, healthy person.
There’s also a big difference between having a boyfriend and having a serious boyfriend. A guy she’s kind of been dating for a couple months isn’t quite the same as a guy she’s been living with for the last five years. In the former case, it’s not a big deal, ethically speaking, if you make your move and the guy isn’t a close friend of yours. In the latter, you need to seriously consider your reasons for chasing her, and determine whether you both want to pursue this relationship.
Navigating the Moral Complexities in Love and Relationships
There’s one overriding condition that, in our book, generally gives you carte blanche to pursue a girl no matter her circumstances. If you feel that you must be with this person, and, this is essential, the feeling is clearly mutual. That is, she feels about you the way you feel about her, and you both want to be together. Then you can and should go for it. That doesn’t mean it’s the “right” relationship, or that the transition will be easy. It certainly doesn’t mean that your relationship will work out. But ethically speaking, two self-aware adults choosing to be with each other despite any previous attachments is a reasonable ground upon which to build a relationship. In that case, of course, you’re both pursuing each other.
But there also strong reasons not to pursue an attached woman. If a girl is in a relationship that makes her happy, why would you want to break it up? (Again, we return to the question of motivation.) The odds of you successfully breaking her up without doing some shady things you’ll later regret are pretty slim. And besides, if you really like this person, shouldn’t you be happy for her? There are excellent reasons to be friends with women, and, as we often say on the podcast, female friends are essential to a well-rounded social life.
So consider the practical and ethical considerations here. Again, we can’t tell you what to think, feel or do. We can only share the right questions to ask so you can make sound decisions for the long term.
Signs She Has a Boyfriend but Likes You
Sometimes the attraction really is mutual. Signs to watch for:
- She seeks you out, starts conversations, and texts you first.
- She lights up around you in a way she doesn’t with other friends.
- She rarely mentions her boyfriend around you, or changes the subject when he comes up.
- She makes plans with you that feel more like dates than hangouts.
- She’s physically close: touching your arm, sitting next to you, holding eye contact.
So if she flirts and touches you a lot, do you have a chance? Maybe. It means there’s chemistry. It doesn’t mean she’s ready to leave him, and it doesn’t mean she wants to. Some people flirt because it feels good, not because they’re planning a change. For more on reading her, see how to tell if a girl likes you.
Cultivating Love: Strategies to Win Over a Woman with a Boyfriend
If you’re going to get any woman to fall in love with you, it needs to be from a place of strength and confidence. Falling in love is what a woman does to herself when you’re not around, so you need to be comfortable with periods of silence and not seeing her. That gives her opportunities to miss you and think about you as an option.
You also need an abundance mentality. That is the mindset that there are tons of women out there who you could start a relationship with. That will help you maintain the perspective and attitude you need to get a girl with a boyfriend to fall in love with you. Because it is true. There are tons of women out there you can date if things don’t work out with this girl.
But your abundance mentality is part of a bigger picture. You need to put yourself first when wooing anyone, especially a girl who already has a boyfriend. In practice, that means having time for her only when you actually have time for her. Don’t let your work, your passions, and hobbies, your self-improvement, your gym routine or any other part of your life suffer because you’re trying to get a woman who already has a boyfriend to fall in love with you. The best and most attractive thing you can offer her right now is your strength and independence from her situation. Running every time she says she needs you will erode that strength and independence.
Don’t Become the Guy Waiting in the Wings
This is the most common move, and it’s the worst one. You become her best friend. You listen to every complaint about her boyfriend. You’re there at midnight when they fight. And the whole time, you’re quietly hoping she’ll notice that you’d treat her better.
From the podcast: Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome, with guest Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy. On the episode: “nice guy seduction is actually the worst possible way to try to get that to happen” (listen at 22:14). Takeaway: giving with strings attached, being “the good guy” so she’ll eventually choose you, is a hidden deal she never agreed to. Glover calls it a covert contract. It breeds resentment, and it rarely works.
If you’re going to be her friend, be her friend because you value the friendship. If you’re only there because you’re waiting, be honest with yourself about that, and either say something or step back.
Saying what you want, plainly and without pressure, is a skill. Staying quiet is a choice to keep things as they are. You can practice it with a coach in the X-Factor Accelerator: 90 days of guided practice.
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Complex Romantic Situations
Setting boundaries is crucial if you want a woman to fall for you. It’s doubly important when you’re trying to get a girl to fall in love with you and she already has a boyfriend. If you’re nothing more than a shoulder for her to cry on, she might love you. But she won’t be in love with you. You’ll be her friend, the guy she calls to complain about her relationship. But you won’t be the man she considers as a partner.
In general, it’s a good policy to separate yourself as much as possible from whatever relationship she’s in at the moment. But if you do want to lend a sympathetic ear or offer advice, make sure that it’s on your terms and when the time is right for you. Don’t drop everything every time she needs to talk. She will lose respect for you because it shows her you don’t respect your time and your life. And a woman can’t fall in love with a man she doesn’t respect.
As with any woman, when you’re trying to get a girl who has a boyfriend to fall in love with you, building a connection is essential. Presumably, if you want a girl who already has a boyfriend to fall in love with you, you’ve already made some kind of a connection with her. But you can always do more to deepen the connection you already have and push it toward romantic love. That, more than anything, will give her a compelling reason to be with you.
Should You Tell Her How You Feel?
If there’s real chemistry and you can’t be just friends, yes, tell her. Once, clearly, without pressure. Something like:
“I like you, and I’d be lying if I said it was only as a friend. I know you’re with someone, and I’m not asking you to do anything about it. I just didn’t want to pretend.”
That’s it. You’re not asking her to leave him. You’re not making an ultimatum. You’re being honest, which respects her, her relationship and you.
Then watch what she does. If she tells you she’s happy with him, believe her. If she says she needs to think, give her space. If she tells you she feels the same, the next move is hers: she has a relationship to deal with first, and that’s hers to handle. If she pulls back, you smile and keep the conversation going. No drama.
What If She Says “I Have a Boyfriend” When You Ask Her Out?
When you’ve just met someone and she answers your invitation with “I have a boyfriend,” take it at face value. Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes it’s a polite no. Either way, it’s an answer.
There’s no comeback that changes it, and you don’t need one. “Lucky guy. It was great talking to you,” and a smile, leaves you looking good and leaves her with a great impression. Trying to argue her out of her answer does the opposite.
If your conversations feel pleasant and then go nowhere, you may be paying too much attention to the words. Conversation Radar teaches you to notice when someone lights up, opens a door, or pulls back, while you’re still there. Four modules, nine signal types, no scripts. Explore Conversation Radar.
How to Flirt With a Girl Who Has a Boyfriend (and Where the Line Is)
Light, friendly banter is part of how people connect, and you don’t have to turn into a robot because she’s taken. But know where the line is. Playful teasing in a group, laughing together, being warm: fine. Secret texts, private “just us” plans, comments about her boyfriend, physical escalation: you’re helping build something behind his back, and you’ll both carry that.
A simple test: would you be comfortable if he read every message? If not, you’ve crossed it.
Being a Beacon of Positivity in Her Life
One powerful way to be there for her while simultaneously creating attraction is to make her laugh. Don’t underestimate what a laugh means to a girl, especially one who is struggling with her relationship. Making her laugh, being playful and joking around give her a subtle refuge from what she’s going through at home. You don’t need to have “heavy” talks about what her relationship is like to be supportive. You just have to show her a good time. It’s those visceral feelings that will eventually move her to choose you. This is especially important when you’re texting because one of the fundamental rules of making a girl like you over text is to keep it light and playful. Just be sure to avoid the most common texting mistakes as well.
At the same time, she might not be getting a lot of interest in her at home. One hallmark of bad relationships is that one or both parties start feeling unappreciated. She might have totally forgotten what it feels like to have a man want her. Making her feel appreciated and desired might be the emotional step you need to spark romance between the two of you.
What’s more, she might be in a relationship with a guy she no longer has much in common with. If this is the case, play to your strength in having more in common with her. Not superficially, but emotionally, intellectually and creatively. Oftentimes in long term relationships, one partner becomes disinterested or out of step with the passions of the other person. Celebrate your common interests, whether it’s a brand of humor or a side project, to deepen attraction and make you more desirable. Remember, your goal isn’t to manufacture interest. This would be disingenuous, manipulative and potentially worse than the dynamic of the relationship she’s already in. You want to be unapologetically excited about the things you two share.
Utilizing Body Language to Express Romantic Interest
Finally, and on a very practical note, don’t forget the role of touch. Once your emotional and intellectual chemistry is developed, you must find a way to express your physical interest in her. Without a physical component, you run the risk of being the shoulder she cries on when her relationship is bad. Or just an escape from her bad relationship.
Touch sends a clear message that you’re interested in her sexually, and not just as a friend. It also allows you to test her interest in you, and to slowly, respectfully, move the boundaries of your existing relationship forward. Pay attention to her eye contact when you’re with her to gauge how interested she is. If she reciprocates, then an attraction is almost certainly developing between you. And if you’re feeling ambitious, you can turn her on over text.
Remember: If she’s your friend, you’ve already made the most meaningful connection of all. Now you just need to shift that a little bit and the two of you can have something even more than friends. Whatever you choose, continually return to the why. Your motivations and her feelings, more than anything else, will be your guide in this challenging but important dynamic.
When She’s a Coworker or Part of Your Friend Group
The stakes go up when you’ll keep seeing her no matter what happens. If she’s a coworker, everything above applies, plus one more rule: keep it out of work. Don’t tell her at the office, and don’t let it change how you treat her there. If she says no, you’ll need to work together comfortably the next day.
If she’s in your friend group, and especially if her boyfriend is too, remember that your choices affect everyone around you. Friendships take sides. Before you say anything, decide whether you can handle being friends if she says no, and make sure you’d be comfortable with everyone knowing how you handled it.
Think About What You’d Be Starting
Say it works. She leaves him and starts something with you. How it started matters. If it began in secret, you’ll both remember that. Trust takes longer to build when the relationship’s first chapter involved someone being lied to.
Treat availability and honesty as must-haves in any relationship you start. A relationship that begins with one of them missing begins broken.
Live Your Life
The single best thing you can do is the one that sounds least like a strategy: keep building a full life. Spend time with friends. Pursue the things you’re good at. Meet other women. Not as a tactic to make her jealous, but because you deserve a life that doesn’t revolve around someone who’s with someone else.
From the podcast: Modern Dating Is Broken, with guest Dr. Paul Eastwick, relationship scientist. On the episode: “I was so into this person and it felt so painful to … just be friends with them” (listen at 48:36). Takeaway: Eastwick describes stepping away for a couple of months, then finding he genuinely valued the friendship, and that it widened his social circle. Being just friends can hurt. It isn’t the end of the world.
And here’s the thing: a man with a full life is more attractive anyway. If she ever does become single, you’ll be someone worth choosing. And if she doesn’t, you’ll be fine.
If She Becomes Single
Breakups are messy, and feelings right after one are unpredictable. If she leaves him, give her some room. Don’t show up the next day. Let her know you’re around, keep it light, and let her come to you. When it’s clear she’s ready, ask her out properly, like you would anyone else.
One more thing: don’t sign up to be the rebound you secretly hope becomes something more. If she wants something casual right after a breakup and you want a relationship, say so. Being honest about what you want is the same rule that got you here.
The Bottom Line
You can’t make a woman fall in love with you, and you can’t win her heart from another man by scheming. You can be honest, be the man she enjoys being around, respect her choice, and keep living your life. That’s the version of you that has a real chance, now or later, with her or with someone better suited to you.
Beyond Dating
