Amy Alkon | Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck (Episode 375)

There is a happy medium between being a jerk and being a pushover.

“People will tell you what they’re about if you’re willing to listen.” -Amy Alkon

The Cheat Sheet:

  • What’s the spilled drink test and how can you apply it to your dating life?
  • How to be a nice guy and not get stepped on, according to science.
  • What is an “in vivo” experience and how can you apply it to your life?
  • The error management system: what is it and why do you need to know?
  • The three keys to a first date to help you figure out if she wants you or your money.
  • And so much more…

Our guest for today’s show makes a living doling out love advice. But not just any advice about matters of the heart, she gives out advice based on science. In fact what she largely does is read scientific articles, attends scientific conferences and then boils down the findings from these events and publications into usable, everyday advice for our modern day dating life.

Amy Alkon is the author of Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck and today we chat about the science behind why men and women are so different and how can we better understand the other gender. All of that and more on this edition of The Art of Charm.

(Direct Download)

More About This Show:

Amy Alkon is an award-winning columnist who gives advice about matters of the heart using science to back it up. On today’s episode we talk about the evolutionary psychology behind why women want what they want (and why men want what they want), how we can find out if a person is actually interested in us or just using us and how to truly assess a person to see if we’re compatible before getting serious.

In terms of what women want from men, Amy says women do want good providers but not because they’re gold diggers. Citing evolutionary science, she explains that women look for providers because they are the ones to bear children. No woman wants a deadbeat to father her children so she’s going to take that into account before going to bed with any man.

But there are differences between the women who want a man who provides for their potential offspring and a woman who simply wants to max out your AmEx card before dumping you and moving on. A great way to tell one apart from the other is by taking a woman on a first date that is cheap, short and local.

For example, offer to take a girl on a hike and then out for coffee after. Make sure the hike is in a public, popular place so she feels safe. A gold digger isn’t going to say yes to that kind of outing, but a woman looking for a solid man will. Or if neither of you is outdoorsy you can just meet for happy hour. Amy says it’s good to buy her something, but you don’t have to spend a lot for her to feel appreciated.

Going on dates like these a few times will help you best assess the person you’re with (and she can assess you as well) without hormones ruining your judgment. If you keep the dates to an hour and a half and not marathon sessions, you won’t get so caught up in a flood of hormones that either or both of you make poor decisions. Taking it slow for the first few dates will help you see who she truly is and what she wants.

Another great way to get down to a person’s true personality is doing active things together or going somewhere stressful like a jam-packed concert. How does she respond when there’s a ridiculous line for parking? Is she cool and relaxed or does she pitch a fit? Watch and learn. As Amy shares on this episode, everyone shows us who they really are if we’re willing to pay attention and listen.

Amy and I discuss much more on this episode but one final nugget for you here is another telltale sign that she is actually someone you want to be seriously involved with. After you’ve been dating for awhile take a step back and ask if she does things to make you happy, little things to show she cares. Does she seem to care about your needs or do hers always come first? Your answer to that question will tell you all you need to know.

We also chat about why taking short trips are so important in relationship assessments, the science proving acts of kindness are beneficial, and how to be a nice guy without getting taken for a ride. Amy graciously shares her bounty of knowledge, have a listen and enjoy. And thank you for joining us, we’ll see you next time on The Art of Charm.


Resources from this episode:

Amy Alkon’s web site
Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, by Amy Alkon
Amy’s radio show
The Art of Charm bootcamps

You’ll also like:

-The Art of Charm Toolbox
-Best of The Art of Charm Podcast

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AJ Harbinger - author of 1048 posts on The Art of Charm

AJ Harbinger is one of the world’s top relationship development experts. His company, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers that want to overcome social anxiety, develop social capital and build relationships of the highest quality. Raised by a single father, AJ felt a strong desire to learn about relationships and the elements that make them successful. However, this interest went largely untapped for many years. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and went on to pursue a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology at the University of Michigan. It was at this time that he began to feel immense pressure from the cancer lab he worked in and began to explore other outlets for expression. It was at this point that The Art of Charm Podcast was born.

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