The Underlying Reasons for Poor Confidence

Reasons for Poor ConfidenceThe most helpful way to gain confidence is to first identify whatever it is that has you feeling insecure.  Because once you know the fundamental reason for that lack of confidence you can start to do something about it.  Below are a few of the most common reasons guys lack confidence with women, and some tips on ways to gain the confidence women find so attractive.

A lack of knowledge

Perhaps the easiest way to gain confidence is simply to gain more knowledge about the situation that’s causing insecurity.  For example a lot of guys that check out the Art of Charm come with the question of “What should I say to a girl when I first walk up to her?”  In situations like this learning more about what to say will help a guy build confidence in his ability to make a good first impression.

Now if you’re wondering what to say in a situation like this you can simply go with what’s on your mind.  Walking up to a girl and saying “Hi, you’re totally cute, my name is ___.  What’s your name?” is often all you need to get a conversation going.

Another helpful bit of knowledge for these situations is to understand the body language signs of attraction.  This is a great way to gain confidence because if you know the girl is interested in meeting you based on her body language then it’ll feel much easier approaching her.  Signs like open body language (her feet, chest, and face all pointed in your direction) or strong eye contact (she makes eye contact with you multiple times, or holds eye contact for longer than a mere passing glance) are often strong signals that she’s interested in meeting you.

A lack of experience

When it comes to meeting women there are plenty of guys who know exactly what to do – yet are unable to do it.  They’ve gathered tons of information on how to meet and attract women yet their dating lives are stagnant.  In these instances the problem that causes a lack of confidence often stems from a lack of experience.

The more experience you have meeting, talking to, and flirting with women, the more confident you’ll become.  So a good way to gain confidence in this area is to focus on getting lots of experience.  One great exercise for this is to make a point to approach 3 women per day for a month.  With 90 additional approaches under your belt approaching women isn’t going to be the big, looming, scary thing it once was.

Negative attitude

Even with the right knowledge and tons of experience you can still lack confidence in an area if you have a negative attitude around it.  For example, let’s say anytime things don’t go the way you wanted with a woman you start beating yourself up for “screwing up”, and point to all the reasons why you’re not “good enough”.  Or you take it out on her and start projecting all sorts of negative qualities onto her.

This kind of negative thinking can destroy a guy’s confidence.  So to avoid these traps it can be a good idea to remember that if a woman isn’t interested in you there’s no reason to take it personally.  After all there could be a thousand reasons for why things didn’t work out that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Also, you don’t even have to see something like “rejection” as a bad thing.  You can simply view it as learning early that the two of you were not a good fit, and that you’ve now saved yourself a ton of time and headache.  (For more on the importance of attitude, knowledge, and experience when it comes to attracting women, click here)

Unexpected reasons for a lack of confidence

Sometimes there are outside factors that affect our confidence that have nothing to do with the particular situation at hand.  For example if you lay around all day doing work you hate, eating a crappy diet, and spend your free time on unfulfilling activities, it’s going to be difficult to get in a confident state of mind when you’re around women.

A simple way to gain confidence then is to take care of yourself and fill your life with people and activities that empower you.  If you’re eating well, exercising regularly, hanging out with positive people you care about, and doing activities that excite you and make you feel alive – you’re going to feel great more often.  As a result you’ll naturally project confidence in other areas of your life, including your interactions with women.

Thinking you need “X” to be confident

A major source of a lack of confidence is when guys base their sense of self-worth in something outside of themselves.  They think they need a certain job, income, girlfriend, car, or whatever else in order to “have value” and feel good about themselves.  Of course, this often just leads to trouble.  Because once they get that thing, something else inevitably pops up that they have to have in order to feel good.  (And if they ever stop having the thing that gave them confidence, then their self-worth is crushed).

So perhaps the best way to gain confidence (that will positively impact every area of your life) is to stop seeking validation and self-worth from anything outside of yourself.  Because at the end of the day your value isn’t determined by your bank account, job, the women you date, or anything like that.  Your value is whatever you decide it is.  Your sense of self-worth and what you base that on is something you determine for yourself.  And once you make that sense of personal value independent of the things you have or reactions you get from others, there will be nothing to stop you from feeling powerful and confident in almost any situation.

More ways to gain confidence with women

Want more tips and advice on ways to gain confidence with women?  Click here.

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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