The question of how to be confident with women can be answered through the Art of Charm’s famous C.A.K.E equation: Confidence = Attitude + Knowledge + Experience (you can listen to the podcast on confidence with women and the C.A.K.E equation here). This article will help you break that equation down by focusing solely on attitude. So to become more confident with women, look to adopt some of the attitudes described below.
Gain confidence through an abundance mentality
Abundance mentality comes from seeing the world as a place full of amazing women who would love to meet a guy like you. When you have that attitude, you will have no trouble figuring out how to be confident with women because that confidence will arise naturally.
Instilling this mindset can be simple. Just make a mental note any time you see an amazing girl (think to yourself “oh look, another one”). This will help train your brain so that you expect beautiful women to enter into your life on a regular basis. (To really strengthen this belief, take the next step by walking up and starting a conversation with the girl).
Make her chase you (You are the prize)
How would you interact with a woman at a bar if you knew that every single girl in that bar wanted to take you home that night? No doubt it’d be easy to be confident with women in that scenario. So when you go out, embrace that attitude. Act as if you are the prize for the evening and all women want you.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should act arrogant or “too cool for school”. There are much more subtle ways to show this kind of confidence with women – such as qualification.
After you get a conversation with a girl rolling with a bit of banter, go on to ask her a bit about herself. Ask what she does for fun and get a feel for who she is and her lifestyle. By challenging her like this and making her work to keep your interest/attention, you show you’re that high-value guy who has choice with women. This alone will make you more desirable to women and get women chasing you. (For more tips on how to get women chasing you check out the Pickup Podcast toolbox episode on qualification)
Develop a confident, magnetic charm with women
When it comes to how to be confident with women, it’s crucial for you to have a positive view of yourself. When you feel good about yourself you no longer seek validation from the women you meet. As a result that feeling of confidence when talking to women will come easily.
To improve your self-concept, keep your mind focused on your strengthens and all the things you have going for you. One way to do this would be to simply write down a handful of positive traits you already believe you have onto an index card and read them aloud (with conviction!) a few times a day.
Saying “I’m friendly”, “I’m funny” (or whatever your strength is) a few times a day will make those beliefs about yourself even stronger. You’ll feel better about yourself, which will allow you to radiate a positive attitude and have an easy time confidently talking to women.
Gain confidence by overcoming anxiety
One thing that will ruin a guy’s confidence with women is if he gets wrapped up in his own head – continuously worrying about what he’ll say/do next. These worries build and build, and create all kinds of anxiety with women (like approach anxiety). But by eliminating these worries there will be nothing to prevent a guy from being confident with women.
An effective way to eliminate these worries is to simply stop giving them attention. Instead of focusing on what you’ll say next or how you want the night to end, simply stay focused on the present moment. Drop in and notice your breath – feeling the rise and fall of your stomach. Feel your feet. Listen to what the girl is saying. Stay focused on the present moment and let the bullshit worries that cause you to lose confidence with women simply fade away (For more on the importance of presence in charming women, check out the Pickup Podcast interview with Olivia Fox Cabane)
Develop confidence by eliminating neediness
Gaining confidence with women goes hand in hand with eliminating neediness. When you no longer need anything from women the women you meet, then the root of what causes so much insecurity and a lack of confidence with women will disappear.
A great way to eliminate neediness then, is to enjoy your life regardless of whether or not there’s a woman in it. If you keep an active life filled with the things and people you enjoy then you truly won’t need a woman to feel complete. From there, meeting and spending time with an amazing girl is simply icing on the cake.
Show confidence by giving value
Guys who lack confidence with women tend to focus on themselves. Guys who are confident with women however, don’t focus on themselves. Instead, they are externally focused. They focus on the environment and the people they are with.
So in your interactions – whether you’re looking to start a conversation with a girl you just met, or connect with your girlfriend of ten years – keep your focus off of yourself and on to her. Don’t focus on what you get from the interaction (most guys look to get attention/acceptance in the form of a kiss, phone number, etc.). Instead, focus on giving. Give her that attention and acceptance all people crave. Look to brighten up her day. When you give freely like this (and expect nothing in return) you will not only come across as confident with women, you’ll find the girl is often compelled to give value right back to you.
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