Episode 248:The Obstacle is the Way with Ryan Holiday aired in April of 2014 and it covered the theme of Ryan’s book, which took timeless principles of stoicism and vivified them through stories about more modern examples — like Thomas Edison and Dwight Eisenhower — in contrast to older figures like Marcus Aurelius and Demosthenes.

Reality vs. Perception

Hamlet once said that there was no thing good or ill, but thinking made it so. Ryan agrees and discusses the distinction using the “two eyes.”

• The observing eye: this simply sees facts as is, objectively
• The perceiving eye: this is the context in which we place facts — how does it relate to us, personally?

So, if there is no good or bad, only perception, as Epictetus says, what is important is how we deal with any given situation. Reality no longer simply happens to us, but rather we decide how we will deal with that reality.

You’re Not Going to Die

If we accept that “fight or flight” is something hard-wired into us as humans, then we have to consider how to train our emotions so that when we are confronted with scenarios that force us into that primal thinking, we instead choose calm and rationality instead of fear and panic. Jordan shared that as a teenager he initially considered going to high school in East Germany as a horrible thing, but then realized he was a rare bird that garnered a lot of (positive) curiosity — so if he could put in a bit of effort to learn German, there could be some positive side effects.

Ryan used this opportunity to share the story of Demosthenes, who was orphaned at a young age and cheated out of his inheritance by two uncles who were supposed to be his guardians. In addition, he had a speech impediment! Demosthenes not only conquered his speech impediment through creative (and now famous) methods like speaking with pebbles in his mouth, but he taught himself the law to successfully prosecute his uncles and win back all that had been taken from him, even though it took a decade. It was said of him, “When he speaks, we march.” He became known as “the Voice of Athens.”

In both of these examples the best thing to do was to side with reason, not emotions. Once you realize that something isn’t going to kill you, you have two options. If it is something you can’t control, you accept it. If it is something you can control, you can control your reaction to it.

Stoicism Turns out to Be Not So Stoic

Until recently the term “stoic” really carried a connotation of coldness or simple lack of emotion. What Ryan discovered and shared in his book is that far from a lack of emotion, stoicism embraces the whole of the human range of emotions. When something “bad” happens to you, you shouldn’t simply fear it or tolerate it, but rather, choose your reaction, potentially of joy or excitement. By embracing all that happens to you, the phrase “enjoy the journey” is quintessentially a stoic one, as it doesn’t assume only positive events.

Remember that each From the Vault article is just a snapshot of some ideas in any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from Ryan and Jordan, including why too much planning makes action more costly, how Marcus Aurelius would inoculate himself against worst-case scenarios, or how Thomas Edison reacted to the absolute destruction of his factory, listen to the entire episode here.

Have you used stoicism in your life? Share your story with us at jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #20 | Overcoming Obstacles with Ryan Holiday appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Jordan’s conversation with Tim originally aired in November of 2012 and was a slow walk through what we’ve seen Tim become famous for: learning at an accelerated speed, aka meta-learning. I’ve spoken about my admiration for Tim’s Tools of Titans before and this episode reveals that Tim has had a basic system and approach to all these questions for many years now. For those who listen to Tim’s podcast on a regular basis, it’s a treat to hear him actually interviewed for once (the same way you might enjoy hearing Jordan occasionally get interviewed on AoC).

How Does Tim Pick His Teachers?

Tim points out that the best performers are not necessarily the best teachers. Just because someone has the ability to do something doesn’t mean that he/she has the ability (or the patience) to break down the steps they take in great details so that learners can take baby steps.

“It’s important to separate attributes from skills,” Tim notes. By this, he means that someone like Michael Phelps is almost “engineered” to be a swimmer and that there’s no way to copy his attributes. But if it’s possible to break down the skills of someone like Michael Phelps, you can duplicate them, via a lot of hard work.

This also means that Tim’s teachers are not always the Michael Phelps types. When someone is “the guy” or “the girl” in his/her respective field, that person is simply very hard to get time with. “Go for the silver medalist,” Tim advises. This person may have finished micro-seconds behind the gold medalist, and has more availability, and sometimes, a better attitude than “the golden child.” Jordan noted that is true in finding guests for the podcast as well.

The Sigmoid Curve

Tim is interested in finding teachers who went from zero to expert in six months or less and often talks about this kind of performance using the Sigmoid Curve. This is a stretched out S and is a concept that Tim often uses to explain his learning process. “I want to chop off as much of that first line before the curve starts upwards and start there.” By working with someone who used skills, not attributes, to become world-class in a short amount of time, Tim is able to ask questions that help identify the assumptions and best practices that lead to this expertise.

Language Learning

Both Tim and Jordan speak enough Chinese to be dangerous, and part of the episode was dedicated to language learning. “The problem is,” Tim opined, “a lot of people want to brute force their way through things, and yes, that will help you with things like vocabulary in Spanish, but to say Chinese words, you have to develop new skills.” Both he and Jordan discussed the importance of getting the tones in Chinese right as so much depends on them. “If you’re not militant about the tones, you’ll be lost,” noted Tim.

Fear-Setting

“Whenever I feel anxious in general or about something specific, I take a piece of paper and lay it out in landscape and create three columns. In the first column on the far left, I write at the top, “What are all the worst things that could happen, however absurd?” In the middle column I write, “What could I do to mitigate the horrible things from happening?” and in the far right column I write, “What could I do to get back to where I am now, if these things happen?” Tim calls this exercise “Fear-Setting” and he uses it frequently. Jordan noted that many people are worried about things all the time. They aren’t weird — they are normal — and that many listeners could really take advantage of this exercise to gain perspective into changes or decisions that lie ahead.

Remember that From the Vault is just a quick look at some ideas in any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from Tim and Jordan, including what a challenge it was for Tim to reclaim the episodes from his own TV show, why he’ll never switch to DVORAK from QWERTY, and his hacks for learning tones in Chinese, listen to the entire episode here.

How has Tim Ferriss had an impact on your life? Share your story with us at jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #19 | How to Learn Like Tim Ferriss appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 254: Systematize Your Networking originally aired in April 2014 and featured a former White House speechwriter, John Corcoran. A lawyer by trade, John still writes extensively, be it for the San Francisco Chronicle. In this episode Jordan presses John for tips for those who feel that they have nothing to offer and no network to speak of who want to build something of value. John gives them practical tips and advice, but more important, frames everything within mindset, which is a core principle here at The Art of Charm.

Don’t Be Replaceable

As Jordan and John traded stories about people they knew who were excellent networkers, the theme of skill-stacking came up. “It’s important to master your skill (being a lawyer, accountant, etc.), but those are replaceable skills. Being able to bring in a client and nurture that client and foster more like them, that’s not an easily replaceable skill. It’s just not.” John went on to use the terms “grinders, finders, and minders.” He noted that the grinders are going to do all the work that the finders bring in, and while there’s some value in the minders, the finders are still the most coveted piece of the puzzle.

Both Jordan and John emphasized that your value is in the additional skills you have studied and perfected beyond your regular line of work.

Building Your Network

How to Talk to Strangers

“If you’re nervous, you’re not alone,” notes John, “everyone else at the event is too.” John notes that you don’t have to be the best conversationalist. Instead, you can follow the time-honored principle in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People: be genuinely interested in other people. The best way to do this is to ask questions. You don’t want to ask them about their area of expertise, because it’s unlikely that you can add value there and it’s something they talk about all the time (If you’re meeting him for the first time, don’t question Jordan on podcasting, for example). Rather, ask them about things that are not their area of expertise, be it film or food, books or vacation destinations. By making the conversation personal, you’re also telegraphing that you’re not looking to “get” anything from them, but are genuinely interested in them as people.

How to Find the Right Strangers to Talk To

John recommends creating three conversation lists: people, organizations, and events.

• People: What 50 people would I like to develop a relationship with over the next 12 months? These can be people you admire, but they should be relevant as well — meaning, if you admire a filmmaker but you aren’t in that industry, that person should not be on your list.
• Organization: What organizations do I want a better relationship with, be they professional in my industry or philanthropic? Don’t just be content to join. You’ll need to join a committee, or the board, or ask to be a volunteer.
• Events: What events have I been interested in attending? Is there any overlap with my first two lists that I can use to make this list even more intentional?

John emphasized that these lists should be reevaluated every 12 months and adjusted where necessary.

Jordan noted that everyone always brings up the Jim Rohn “you’re the average of the five people you are closest to,” and John noted that these lists are part of the strategy to find those five. Steer the ship of intentionality in your relationships. Don’t solely rely on fate to bring you the right people.

Wingman or Solo?

When you are going to events, you can use the wingman strategy or the solo flyer one. John thinks that there are great cases for both, but leans slightly towards solo flyer.

Wingman

You bring someone with you so you don’t look lonely and forlorn, but also because whenever you are with others, you are both able to talk each other up in an area of expertise. It’s a lot easier for your friend to say that you’re “such a great graphic designer” instead of you offering that information yourself!

Solo Flyer

This is the “you’re gonna have to do it” strategy. You’re alone and as such, you can’t help but introduce yourself and get involved in conversation. You may be forced into this anyway if your wingman has a last minute emergency.

Remember that From the Vault is just a quick look at some ideas in any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from John and Jordan, including why authors should develop relationships before writing their books, what John’s experience in high school taught him about affluent children, and how he managed to get Gary Vaynerchuk, Guy Kawasaki, and Daniel Pink onto his podcast, listen to the entire episode here.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #18 | Systematize Your Networking with John Corcoran appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 463: How to Find Your Calling was an interview with the author of The Art of Work, Jeff Goins. It originally aired November 2015. Jeff claims to be simply a “writer who writes books and helps other writers” but he never grew up wanting to be a writer. He had a midlife crisis a quarter of a life early and changed his life. His message? You can do it too.

Quarter-Life Crisis

Jeff was a 27 year-old marketing director of a nonprofit. He wasn’t unhappy but he knew he wasn’t doing anything great. He saw ten years into the future and he saw more of the same: coasting. Life was pretty good, but it wasn’t great.

“Are you going to be proud of the things you are building now, fifty years from now?” The answer for Jeff was an emphatic no. He didn’t want a good-enough life, and found himself scared of that being all that ever happened.

The Good Kind of Fear

“But how do we ‘scare ourselves’ into action?” Jordan probed. Jeff responded by pointing out that as there is eustress (good stress) and distress (bad stress); there is also good fear and bad fear. Good fear is going to move you in the direction of your dreams and is based on really paying attention to what is happening around you.

Part of that paying attention is listening. A quote that Jeff brought up from an author he really admired was, “Before I can tell my life what to do, I need to listen to my life telling me who I am.” If you are lost, ask your friends, your family, your children, your significant other. Jeff’s wife told him over the years over and over that he had a passion for writing and should follow that. Unfortunately Jeff’s response was always, “Yeah yeah yeah, but…” This is because, in his own words, “what’s obvious to you is amazing to others.” He wasn’t listening. He wasn’t even asking the right questions.

That listening involves asking, in a way that comprehends your entire timeline, “Who am I, who have I always been, and where does this mean I’m going?”

Now What?

So we have identified what’s wrong (and there isn’t always something wrong — many times people are doing what they are supposed to be doing) and are orienting ourselves towards pursuing it. Jeff argues against the “quit your job and go for broke” mentality. He observed that the research shows this rarely works. The people who “take a leap” do it over a period of time. In one case a family who made a move to Africa to work in something meaningful to them shared that they took a leap…over a ten-year period.

“It’s not sexy. It’s hard work. But the people doing amazing things now did a lot of hard things in order to get there.” Jeff challenges you to fight the dichotomy of sticking with what you know vs. quitting your job. “Build a bridge to escape from what you do now to what you want to do.” Bridge building takes engineering, smarts, hard work, and a fair amount of capital. In real life too.

Jeff felt compelled to add an asterisk to the famous “10,000 Hour” rule that has become so ubiquitous since Malcolm Gladwell popularized it: “that activity across those 10,000 hours needs to be done to the point of exhaustion. Do what you are working on as hard as you can.” Channeling Yoda, Jeff noted, “Trying doesn’t sound like that to me. It isn’t painful.” You’ll have to do better than trying.

But What If I Fail?

“I think of failure as pivot points,” Jeff answered Jordan when he posed this question. “When you have a failure, you don’t ever have to go all the way back down the road you traveled. What ends up happening is a confrontation with the obstacle. You find a way to deal with it.” Sometimes that’s just another angle, other times it’s needing to become an upgraded version of yourself so you can move the obstacle. Whatever you need to do, “failure is a comma, not a period.”

Jordan echoed this by pointing out that Jeff was using a technique we preach in Bootcamp, which is reframing. Thus, failure becomes an opportunity — a path to success.

Meaning and Purpose

“You know, I am pretty sure I found my calling, but I didn’t ‘figure it out,'” mused Jordan. “How can people do that?” Jeff paused to note that we are in an age in which these privileged questions are far more commonplace, because we have so many options at our disposal. “But what am I supposed to do with that privilege? Does the world need my guilt or my action? I have a moral responsibility to serve the world with the gifts I have been given.”

He gave several examples of how people didn’t “figure out” their calling either, but rather, like Jordan, kept moving forward, while paying attention to what was going on around them.

Remember that From the Vault is just a snapshot of some ideas in any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from Jordan and Jeff, including why Jeff no longer wakes up at 5 a.m. to write anymore (but did for a long while), and the difference between trying to be a writer and actually writing, listen to the entire episode here.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #17 | How to Find Your Calling with Jeff Goins appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 366: Finding Ultra and Rejecting Middle Age featured self-proclaimed “former fat guy” Rich Roll, and originally aired in January 2015. Rich’s story illustrates how taking that first step towards positive change opens up so many opportunities as you continue on that path. His conversation with Jordan celebrates that journey.

Rich Roll Is an Advocate, Not an Expert

“I’m an advocate, not an expert,” noted Rich. “I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’m on the journey with you.” Jordan noted that many of these so-called experts have never been fat, and do they know what the experience is really like? They both agreed that the most credible people in any field are the people who have lived what they are preaching.

The Breaking Point

Rich was 39. He was halfway up the stairs, on his way to the bedroom, and he was winded. He could barely make it up a simple flight of stairs. This was the moment when everything changed for him. But how did he get here?

He was “living the dream.” He had a great wife, had built his dream house in Malibu, and was on the track to partnership at the law firm where he worked. He was doing everything he thought he was supposed to do. The problem was that he was very discontented. One of the clearest ways this discontent manifested itself was through his “window diet.” This referred to all the food he could get through a drive-through window, including burgers, nachos, and fries, to say nothing of the Chinese takeout that he ordered when he was working late night at the law firm. Rich was so miserable at his job that one of the bright spots of his day was the comfort he got from the fatty comfort food he would order for takeout.

Jordan, having lived that corporate lawyer life once upon a time, commiserated, but also pointed out something he’s learned from people who eat very well: “Everything you eat is a choice.” Even if you have a off day and eat something terrible, you shouldn’t trash the whole day because you made one mistake. Rich agreed and noted that often people set up unrealistic expectations for themselves, whether it be with dieting or career goals: the minute they fall short, they put themselves into a shame spiral and often quit over one weak moment, instead of seizing the opportunity to create a teachable moment for themselves and to keep moving forward.

In fact, the idea of a temporary diet with goals is something Rich disagrees with entirely. He never set about the change in his life that way. He wanted a new, sustainable way of life, and he just started, willing to make mistakes along the way.

Stop Hacking, Already

Shortly before this interview with Jordan, Rich had written a piece that had gone viral on Medium which called out the idea of “hacking.” Jordan, willing to call himself out, noted that “biohacking” was a term listed on the masthead of the Art of Charm podcast at the time and wanted to know what we should be willing to reconsider when we look at any kind of “hacking.”

While Rich does enjoy the idea of identifying efficiencies (modern life can be busy, after all), he firmly believes that “we can’t shortcut our way to good things in our life.” The hard-fought journey is what will bring you to those good things, and it is the person you become in taking that journey that will be best equipped to enjoy those good things.

Remember that From the Vault is just an overview of a few highlights of any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from Rich and Jordan, including how to use the “power of story” to your advantage, why there’s such a thing as “fast food vegetarians,” and the real reason people are afraid to ask coaches for help, listen to the entire episode here.

Did you change your body weight significantly? Share your story with us at jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #16 | Stop “Hacking” and Enjoy the Journey with Rich Roll appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 359: Saying Yes to Networking originally aired in December 2014 and featured Marsha Shandur, a well-known networking coach. Marsha spent years working in media and uses that experience to “help people not hate networking, and in fact, to be better at it than most.” She took some time to sit down with Jordan and identify issues and give practical tools and solutions.

Why Do People Hate Networking?

People hate networking because of the image they envision upon hearing the word: nervous strangers in a crowded room handing out business cards, looking to “connect.” Everyone there is intent on the business of selling themselves. Instead, Marsha offers this simple way to look at networking events: “Who would I be friends with in this room, regardless of what we do for a living, and how can I engage with them in a friendly way?”

Many people feel they simply need to wait until they’re not scared, but Marsha points out that day is never going to happen. She still feels nervous sometimes when meeting new people, and she does this for a living! Just push through that discomfort by realizing that the overwhelming majority of people at the event probably feel the same way that you do, and they will be so relieved when you are able to start the conversation and make them feel welcome.

Don’t Keep Score

Jordan repeated what we preach so often here at AoC: Don’t keep score. If you stop worrying about keeping score, all but the extreme “takers” will be able to help you at some point. Marsha agreed, pointing out that there’s scientific research supporting a human need to reciprocate. Start with simple things like a thank you note. At the time this episode aired, Jordan had recently interviewed Shawn Achor, and Marsha really appreciated Shawn’s practice of sending a daily email to thank someone. There are so many people out there who are making a difference in your life — just take a moment to send them a note. They will truly appreciate it.

Have Goals and a Plan

People who say “Let’s go network” remind Jordan of the bros who say “Let’s go meet chicks!” and then proceed to go to the bar and watch basketball in silence for two hours. Think clearly about what you’re trying to accomplish. Marsha added, “Networking is a long-term relationship, not a one-night stand.” Therefore, don’t sell yourself. Marsha asks us to imagine a speed dating scenario in which the people across from you are telling you all the reasons they would be a great spouse and what childrearing techniques they prefer! So too, people who sell themselves before even bothering to know people are giving that exact same impression.

Questions That Work

Marsha’s go-to question is, “How has your week been?” Any sort of answer here is going to be simply jam-packed with information, and you can follow any of those leads down rabbit holes of conversation, or simply file the information away for later, when you reconnect.

Jordan uses, “How did you find out about this event?” This will allow you to find out how this person is connected, what he/she does, etc. It’s a treasure trove of information, and it’s innocuous enough that people will not have their guard up when you ask it.

Read Body Language

Marsha notes that as you observe groups that have formed, look for a group of four or five people standing with a bit more open body language. Simply go up and listen before contributing immediately, even if you feel compelled to do so. Nobody wants to hear from the know-it-all who immediately inserts him/herself into a conversation upon arrival.

Then Follow Up

Marsha has a simple “nice to meet you” email template that she sends, whether she’s actually had a chance to meet the person. That is, perhaps someone was on a panel, or gave a keynote, and that’s how you had a chance to interact with them.

1. Say hello and say thank you: “Hi, Jan! I was at your panel on entrepreneurship on Saturday and I really appreciated your insights about tech startups.”
2. Put yourself in context: “I was the one in the red shirt who told you I have a medtech startup in Nashville.”
3. Close out: “If you find yourself in my town some time and need help with anything, please don’t hesitate to ask!”

She notes that if you want to add value, you can do so at step two by providing a link to an article or book or podcast you think this person might enjoy.

Furthermore, if and when you reach out to this person again, make sure you reply to this original email you sent them (or a reply they sent you) so you can remind them that you are not a new contact, but someone he/she has already corresponded with, as this will exponentially increase the likelihood of a response.

Remember that From the Vault is just an overview of a few points in any given episode. If you’d like to hear more from Marsha and Jordan, including why they want to help people who are “good at being helped,” how many times and at what interval you can feel free to keep emailing someone, and one technique that can “program” people to reply to you, listen to the entire episode here.

What’s a networking technique that really works for you? Send it to jordan@theartofcharm.com and we may share it in a future article.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #15 | How to Not Hate Networking appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 410: Mating In Captivity was originally broadcast in May 2015 and featured well-known relationship expert Esther Perel. Esther is in demand as an internationally known speaker. She speaks nine languages (seven in which she works, two in which she socializes), has not one but two TED talks that have been viewed by millions, and is the author of a book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, that has been translated, at last count, into twenty-five languages. She sat down with Jordan to discuss why relationships are more complex than ever, why we’re failing, and what we can do to improve.

Why Are Relationships Hard Today?

Jordan began the discussion by asking why, despite so many years of evolution, we still have challenges with relationships. Esther pointed out there are things much simpler than relationships that we do poorly when we are given many choices. Consider sleeping and eating. Despite our advances in technology and research, and despite what we know, we still make poor choices like sleeping too little or eating junk food. We shouldn’t be surprised that today, when we have so many choices in relationships, we make proportionally poor decisions.

They’ve Become Consumerized…

The focus on consuming and consumer behavior has infiltrated so many parts of our lives that we shouldn’t be surprised that these tendencies have crept into the way we view relationships. Concepts like novelty, return on investment, “not settling,” “cutting your losses,” and replacement are so ingrained in our thinking that there is but a short distance to travel before one starts applying those ideas to relationships. We get comfortable with discarding and leaving when these are not strategies that deal with issues, but simply ways to shut the issues away.

First Steps

When Esther does relationship counseling, she begins by asking a series of questions related to how someone treats his or her clients at work.

• Do you respond to communications like texts and emails in a timely fashion?
• Do you show your charming self whenever possible?
• Are you grateful and do you express it more than occasionally?
• Do you apologize when you’ve messed up and take accountability for your actions?

She finds that the answers are “generally, yes” to these questions, but when she pivots the question to their relationship, the answers become “generally, no.”

“If the people acted in their personal lives the way they do in their professional lives, I would have fifty percent less work overnight,” she opined.

In a vendor/client relationship, the incentives and consequences of following these protocols are a lot more clear than they are in a personal relationship.

Esther noted that her quote, “The quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships,” came from working with Tony Robbins; to make progress, we have to go beyond playing a role. Are we doing something because we are being watched as we play a role, or are we doing the right thing because we are compelled — because it is part of our identity?

Character is what we do when no one is looking — this also has to be the standard in our personal relationships if we wish them to succeed.

Make Adjustments

Jordan made the point that sometimes when we are with our significant other and are particularly flirty and playful, he/she might respond, “What’s gotten into you?” It should be an opportunity to realize that you’ve been failing to do something — because your behavior is noted as abnormal. Make a note of it and resolve to do better.

Esther also notes that she encourages her sons not to sit and listen in silence when people are being spoken of badly in their presence. Disrupt it — be an upstander, not a bystander. Because language shapes the narrative, you can step in the gap and break a bad pattern for them.

Jordan agreed and noted that the type of people who say hurtful things about others — sometimes even their significant others — are simply looking for approval and they may not actually truly believe what they’re saying. Your silence may betoken your consent, so yes, disrupt them with something as simple as, “Do you really believe that?”

Advancing

Once you’ve taken those early steps and started to make adjustments, you can start to make bigger leaps, and this is done the same way you do anything else in life: study and research! “You wouldn’t buy a house or a car without doing some research, yet people haven’t read or studied anything about improving relationships in decades!” Esther noted.

There’s also the chance to say “Thank you” for the things that no one ever thinks of. Esther gave a poignant example of a spouse on a business trip who calls from a hotel room and gives gratitude, “Thank you for giving me the freedom to do this — to work, to not have to worry, to sit quietly in a hotel room and call someone I love. I know it’s been some time since you’ve been able to do something like that without little people demanding your time or crawling on you and I just want to tell you that I love you and appreciate you.”

Remember that From the Vault is just a short overview of any given podcast episode. If you’d like to hear more from Esther and Jordan, including why the person apologizing has all the power, why you’ll be respected for the job you do by your family but you’ll never be loved for it, and what so many fights are really about, you can listen to the entire episode and read the full show notes here.

What’s one way that you think you could improve in your relationships? Send it to jordan@theartofcharm.com for some tools we can send you.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #14 | Mating in Captivity with Esther Perel appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 400: Moving to a New Town was recorded in May 2015 and was the collection of lessons learned by the guys in their multiple moves around and across the country. It’s for those guys who want to have a plan of attack as they plot a move to a new town or a new country. It’s full of strategies to help you create a vibrant social circle instead of waiting for one to be magically bestowed on you.

First, Figure out Where You Want to Live

One of the lessons that Johnny, AJ, and Jordan learned about living in the Financial District in NYC during the early days of AoC is that while all the trains went there so it wasn’t hard to get to, no one wanted to go there in the evenings or weekends. It was dead.

You need to be in a great part of town, and that’s most easily done by simply doing research in person and online. You can go on scouting trips before you move, you can talk to locals, and you can even look on Yelp. “Do a search on Yelp in the neighborhood you’re thinking about living in,” said AJ, “and if you see a lot of red dots for restaurants and clubs and bars, you’re in a good spot. If everything is twenty to thirty minutes away, realize the obstacle you’re putting up for yourself, not just for hosting people, but for getting away yourself.”

Then, Be Open During Every Interaction

“Everyone entering your life on a social level is an opportunity to grow your network,” noted AJ. It’s true. You never know who can introduce you to whom and as people come into your life, always be open to adding value to their lives and they may do the same to yours.

Four Different Groups

The guys talked about four distinct groups you could enter (or create for yourself) which help you develop different groups of people that make for great cross-pollination.

• An all men’s group. This could be a peer group or one focused on entrepreneurship, or even personal development. AJ mentioned that he and Jordan, when they first moved to L.A., were part of a “hookah group” which was just a group of fellow business owners who discussed entrepreneurship issues.
• A coed group. The classic example here is a Meetup group in various interests you might have. The dynamics are different from the all-male group and this will help vary the types of people you are meeting. You might also consider taking a class — either at a local community college or even something less formal.
• A show-off group. This is a group you can invite to a platform in which you can show off your skills. If you’re a coder, invite people to a hackathon. If you’re a musician, like Johnny, you can invite them to shows you play. Maybe you go to open mic nights. Ask people to join you. When we say “show off,” we also mean “showcase.” You’re giving people in your social circle one extra way they can connect with you.
• A charitable group. This could be sitting on a board for an organization or simply swinging a hammer at a Habitat for Humanity event. Just as in the other three groups, this group is providing you with a new and diverse set of people with whom you can interact.

Now, Time for a Platform

You’ve taken the time to enter and/or create these four different groups, so now you want to take things to the next level by creating a recurring event that will allow these different groups to cross-pollinate in quantities and means that you can control.

AJ emphasizes keeping it easy and simple. If you don’t have a great venue to host the party yourself, find a cool restaurant or bar that will be okay with having a group of you come together for a soiree. Once you’ve come up with a sustainable day/time and location for your platform (e.g., the third Thursday of each month) then you want to invite not just people from all your groups, but any new people you have met as well.

Now you may not want to invite absolutely everyone you meet. Social media can provide you with a bit of background on potential invitees. By taking a quick look at Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, you can glean what they post about on a daily basis, where they spend their time, and even what kind of food or drinks they like. If you see any kind of drama or ongoing negativity in the posts, save everyone a lot of trouble and don’t invite such people.

Ask any of the girls you invite to bring their friends. They may only bring one or two at first, but when they see that you have a vibrant social life, they are going to feel more comfortable bringing more of their social circle along.

You’re the Pace Car

People are going to be looking to you, especially if they have never been to your event, for how to act. So start eating if there’s food set out. Pour yourself a drink if no one is drinking. Mingle. Start introducing people. People will follow your lead. It’s your party, after all.

Being a great host means focusing on the people who took the time to come to your event, not the people who didn’t end up showing. It’s important not to make people feel guilty for missing. Your event needs to be something for which people feel safe showing up whenever they can. People have busy lives and you should take it as a great compliment that they are willing to set aside some of it to spend with you.

From the Vault picks out a few concepts developed in a given episode, but there’s lots more to hear — like how your platform can be a way for your social circle to help you vet the people you’re dating, why you should consider buying a round for everyone when you’re out with friends, and the number one mistake guys make when moving to a new town. Get this and and more by listening to the whole episode.

Do you have anything you did to make a move more successful and want to share? It may make it into a future article. Send it to jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #13 | How to Move to a New Town appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 206:Top Excuses for Not Coming to AoC with Justin Jensen was recorded in August of 2013. If it could be summarized in one phrase, it would be: “Talking about taking action is not the same thing as actually taking action.” Jordan and Justin took a conversation they were having about excuses they hear from possible clients and decided to turn it into an episode.

Excuse #1: Ain’t Got the Time…

So many people say they “don’t have time” for things in life, but what they really mean is, “that’s not a priority for me.” We find time for the things that are our priorities and the reality is that our life is a composition of our priorities on display for all to see. We’ve witnessed CEOs and small business owners come to our programs: they are on the phone or laptop early in the morning, late at night, and during every break. They’re demonstrating that being in Los Angeles for our program is important, because they took the time to be physically present, but they may also have to mind their businesses while they are away. If people who are in charge of the employment of others can do it, we strongly believe employees can get away for one week themselves.

When you’re saying you “don’t have time” for Bootcamp, you really mean that it’s “not a priority for you.” If that makes you uncomfortable to say out loud, ask yourself why.

Excuse #2: It’s Too Far Away…

These are not the days of the Oregon Trail when travel meant you might have to shoot animals for food or die of dysentery. Los Angeles is a day’s travel from anywhere on the globe. We actually had to learn the hard way that this excuse wasn’t about location at all. On more than one occasion a listener asked us to do a Bootcamp in X location and promised that there would be at least four or five other guys joining him. When Jordan and the team actually booked a venue and started making plans, not only did those “four or five guys” never materialize (cue: “Oh, I have a girlfriend now, so I don’t need that, etc.), but the original requester himself almost didn’t show up.

When you’re saying it’s “too far away,” you really mean that you don’t want to leave your comfort zone, either physically or emotionally.

Excuse #3: I’ll Do It Later…

One of the things we’ve discussed in previous pieces about new year’s resolutions is that part of the reason they are so seductive is that we get the hit of dopamine just from verbalizing a resolution. When you tell someone you plan to lose weight, you get social reinforcement from your peers and you feel good about yourself. Or you might be the type who says, “As soon as I get a raise, then I’ll come.” But this is not the mindset that leads to achievement.

When you say “I’ll do it later,” what you really mean is that you want to kick this into the long grass, into a never-ever future where you won’t be held accountable for it.

Excuse #4: Too Much Money, Man…

Again, this is a question of mindset. Is coming to Bootcamp, or taking part in any sort of personal development course, some random cash splash? Or is it an investment in your future? If you realize there’s nothing in your life that you can invest in that’s more valuable than yourself, then personal development courses become opportunities rather than expenditures.

We’ve discussed on the podcast multiple times that happy people are far more likely to spend money on experiences rather than things. Indeed, when the feelings of happiness and contentment were tracked, they were actually lower during the event itself, and higher before (anticipation) and after (reliving the memories).

When you say “it’s too much money,” what you mean is that, “I don’t need or deserve investment in myself.”

Excuse #5: I Want to Figure This Stuff out Myself…

Listen, we get it. It’s hard to admit that we need help. Our egos get in the way of that humility. But we all need help when we want to level up. You could learn Chinese on your own, but you could do it faster and better if you had a tutor. You could work to improve your body through exercise, but a trainer is going to help you, and make sure you don’t hurt yourself (or eat poorly). When Justin and Jordan heard this excuse, they would always ask, “Okay, and what is your plan to do that?”

When you say “I can figure it out myself,” what you mean is that you’re too proud to admit that need help.

Remember that From the Vault is just a short overview of any given podcast episode. You’ll enjoy some additional jokes and banter missing from our review by listening to the entire episode here.

Do you have any excuses to add to this list? Send them to jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #12 | Top Excuses Used to Avoid Coming to Bootcamp (and Why They’re Lame) appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Episode 281: How to Read People Like a Book was recorded in June 2014 and is definitely one of the most interactive episodes we’ve ever had. It features Vanessa Van Edwards, who works at a human behavioral research lab called Science of People. Growing up, she loved observing people. As her education and skills progressed, she was told that if she stayed the course, she would end up interrogating terrorists. This wasn’t what she wanted to do with her life, so now she’s an ambassador for behavioral science — turning raw research data into information that non-scientists can actually use.

Microexpressions

A microexpression is a brief, involuntary facial expression that humans display in accordance with emotions being expressed. Unlike a prolonged facial expression, it is difficult to fake.

Mind Follows Body, Body Follows Mind

Studies have shown that children blind since birth convey the same basic expressions as sighted children. This means that these expressions are genetically programmed rather than learned. This supports the Facial Feedback Hypothesis, which states that emotions feed facial expressions, and in turn a facial expression can create and reinforce an emotion. We can gain a lot of insight into ourselves just by recording how we interact with others (a technique we use at our residential Bootcamp) and observing what our “resting” facial position is.

Contempt

Vanessa went on to share some different microexpressions — how to imitate them and what to do when you encounter them. Contempt is fascinating because while it is a simple microexpression, it is the easiest to confuse. It is a slight raising of one side of the mouth. “It may look like a smile, but it’s kind of the opposite of a smile,” added Jordan. “It’s such an indicator of disrespect,” responded Vanessa. “Once we feel contempt for someone, it’s very hard to love and respect them.” She went on to add a story in which a certain researcher was able to predict — with 93.6% accuracy — the likelihood of divorce in a couple just by observing for this microexpression in taped interactions.

As more microexpressions were discussed, Jordan asked the simple question, “But how can we use this knowledge?” Vanessa pointed out that, when faced with a situation in which we don’t know what a facial expression might mean, we can mirror it and replicate the feeling within ourselves, putting us into a better position to interact positively. This can be a real game changer in how we interact with others, be they strangers or close family.

Disgust

You can mimic the microexpression of disgust by thinking of something that repulses you, then pull up your upper lip so your teeth show, while crinkling your nose. This microexpression is important because it can be a precursor to a possible lie, particularly among women. You’ll see it when people are trying to be polite about something unpleasant.

For example, if a woman says she’s not fine, apart from 95% of the time having it mean the exact opposite, we can find out the truth simply by watching for the microexpression of disgust after she says it.

Sadness

Vanessa noted that contempt can be mistaken for approval. So too sadness (a frowning mouth accompanied by drooping eyes) can sometimes be mistaken for anger. If men observe this in a friend or a partner, he might engage inappropriately. Instead of defaulting into a male template of problem solving, try this script suggested by Vanessa:

(When observing what looks to be sadness) “Tell me about your day.”

(Response) “It was fine.” (Observe for the disgust microexpression.)

(You see disgust and add) “You look a bit sad; would you like to talk?”

(As the conversation continues, to figure out whether this is an “I need to vent” or “I need help to solve a problem” situation, ask) “Do you want to talk through things you can do?” or “How can I help?”

Can We Have Some Nice Microexpressions, Please?

Fair enough. It’s not all doom and gloom! Let’s start with something easy: happiness. A smile may seem to be the most obvious microexpression, but to be really clear, you want to see the upper cheeks engaged. To simulate this, put a pen or pencil in between your teeth, and then move your teeth so that they are not touching it, and you’ll have that microexpression.

There’s also surprise. Think about a gasp, in which you drop your jaw, raise your eyebrows into an upside down “U,” and widen your eyes. This is quite close to fear, actually, but the eyebrows in that expression are straight across.

https://youtu.be/_V_TftAt6cE

From the Vault picks out a few concepts developed in a given episode but there’s lots more to hear, like what mirror neurons are, how you can match someone’s cadence and vocabulary to make them feel comfortable (without mocking them!), and the truth about eyes and lies. Since you took the time to read this From the Vault, you can also enjoy a quick, three-minute course from Vanessa here. Listen to the whole podcast here.

Which microexpression does your “resting face” most closely resemble? Send your answers (and/or photos) to jordan@theartofcharm.com.

If this article or episode helped you, please consider writing a review for us on iTunes, because the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to someone you think would appreciate this content. Now get out there and leave everyone better than you found them.

The post From the Vault #11 | How to Read People Like Vanessa Van Edwards appeared first on The Art of Charm.