Ever been standing behind a cute stranger at a check out lane, and you were way too terrified to open your mouth and say something?

If the idea of talking to strangers scares you, and you wouldn’t even know what to say even if you did open your mouth, you’re not alone.

I’ll tackle the second problem – what to say – in a bit. First, let’s talk about why it’s so scary to talk to strangers, to begin with. 

Why it’s scary to talk to a stranger

To make sense of that fear, we need to look at your evolutionary history. So please grab your loincloth and your DIY club, and take a seat in The Art of Charm Timemachine™:

Until about 10,000 years ago, your ancestors lived in hunter-gatherer societies. You know, where men were pretending to hunt for bears while the women collected all the food by looking for berries and nuts. Those groups were, compared to your Facebook friends circle, insanely small. 150 people at the most, and that’s only if it was a massive tribe. 

Your ancestors spent their entire life in that group. They knew everything about each other – their favorite color, how many bears they pretended to have killed, and whether they liked their squirrel rare, medium or cooked. 

To them, the saying “A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet” wouldn’t make any sense. 

In an environment where resources were scarce, seeing an unfamiliar face meant you had to form a defensive circle around your favorite banana tree because someone’s coming to take it.

Was that the case with every stranger the group encountered? I guess not. It was probably alright to walk up to the odd stranger, compliment their tiger tooth necklace and then get shitfaced on some rotten fruit together. It just wasn’t a good survival strategy. 

Those that made talking to strangers a habit sooner or later ended up with a spear-shaped hole in their body. And that’s really counterproductive when you’re planning to have offspring one day, to pass on your “I like talking to strangers!” genes.

Evolution favored those who threw stones first and asked questions later. 

And it worked well for 200,000 years.

In today’s world, things have changed a lot. Our ancestors knew 150 people at most, and we can meet that many in a single day. Or in half an hour if you’re on Tinder and you have a really fast thumb.

Due to the way our society has changed, most – if not all – of the people we come across during a normal day are strangers or acquaintances. And yet, our brain is still running an operating system that’s been developed 200,000 years ago. It’s casting a suspicious eye on everyone and our internal firewall flags them as “Unknown person. Might try to poke me with a spear.”

And that, my time-traveling friend, is the reason that we can live in a large city and still feel lonely. 

And it’s only getting worse.

The spread of loneliness in a crowded world

In a study titled “Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades”, Miller McPherson and his team found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people saying that there’s no one in their lives with whom they can discuss important matters nearly tripled. When they asked how many close friends people had, the most common answer in 1985 was three. In 2004, it was zero. And it probably hasn’t gotten better since then.

This has profound effects on our happiness, and also on our mental and physical health.

Loneliness has devastating effects on our wellbeing

We, humans, have a deeply rooted need to belong, and our physical, as well as mental well-being, take a massive hit if this need is not met.

That’s what Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary conclude in their 1995 paper, “The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation.” 

Plenty of other studies found that loneliness is one of the big contributors to premature death, just like smoking, obesity, and alcoholism is.

Why are quality connections so beneficial to our health?

Many of the reasons are tied to stress reduction: When you have people that you can rely on, you don’t have to worry so much:

• When you are sick, you know there’s someone who’ll make you some hot soup when you ask nicely.
• When you’re going through a breakup, you know your friends are there to help you eat that bucket of ice cream while you binge-watch Stranger Things.
• When you just got laid off, you know that there are people who will help you with your job search or let you sleep on their couch, even if you snore.

Of course, you could argue that in this day and age, we have health care, an unemployment system, and when things get tough, hospitals or the police. It’s one of those things that make more sense when you look at it from an evolutionary perspective. Our brain is still running that old operating system: 

• We were dependent on our tribe for safety and protection
• Our ancestors knew they could yell for support when they get attacked by a predatory sloth
• They could scrounge a squirrel or two from their friends when they were hungry
• And they didn’t have to worry about dying the moment they bruised an ankle

Another reason is that when we are connected to a group, we feel responsible for the people in it. That gives us that sense of purpose we talked about in this podcast episode. 

It also means that we take better care of ourselves because we want to be there for them for a long time, and we want to be our fittest.

It’s ironic, really. For most of our evolutionary history, we were conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Then we built a society where we’re basically only surrounded by strangers. And then we go on the Internet to read lengthy blog posts on what to do about it.

Now that I’ve covered how we got into this entire mess, let’s talk about how to get out of it. 

How to create a sense of belonging, even when you’re around strangers

Let’s start with some good news: You can feel like you belong, even if you don’t (yet) have a social circle to call your own. You can literally create that feeling when you get your cup of coffee in the morning.

That’s what Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn found in their study titled “Is Efficiency Overrated? Minimal Social Interactions Lead to Belonging and Positive Affect.” 

The researchers split the participants into two groups. One group was asked to order a coffee as they usually would. The other group was asked to go in and have a brief, friendly chat with the barista as if he or she were an acquaintance. The second group left Starbucks feeling a lot better than their quiet counterparts.

It was the first study to show that it’s possible to improve our happiness and belonging by turning simple, everyday encounters into social interactions. 

Similar studies have been done on commuter trains or waiting rooms – with the same effect.

People in all three studies felt much better afterward.

This is called Fleeting Intimacy or Street Intimacy. It doesn’t take much to create a sense of connection and belonging. 

Even these small interactions, like chatting with the barista at the cafe or with the person in front of you at the checkout lane – something that sociologists call “Minimal Social Interactions” can fulfill this basic human need for sociability and connection.

Why it’s easier to talk to strangers

And not only that. In many ways, it’s actually easier to talk with someone we don’t know, than with someone close that we’ve known all our lives. And that’s even more true for introverts.

Here are a few reasons why it is easier:

1. We are a lot clearer in our communication when we talk with someone we don’t know. We know that the other person has no clue about our backstory, our particular character traits, or what we really think about our in-laws. And so we automatically explain everything.
   
   With friends and family, we often assume that they get what we’re thinking. And then we’re annoyed when we get the complete Game of Thrones DVD collection for our birthday – didn’t we clearly roll our eyes during the final season?!
2. We really have nothing to lose when we’re starting a conversation with a stranger. No one’s going to hit you over the head with a spear. The worst that can happen is that they’re not interested.
3. People we don’t know can be much more likely to open up than even people in our social circle.
   
   That’s something I’ll cover in more detail when we get to the actual techniques later on.

Why introverts have an easier time talking to strangers

Let’s look at a few factors that actually make it easier for introverts who usually struggle in social situations:

1. You’re not looking at a lengthy conversation that’s going to drain your batteries all the way to zero.
2. If deep and meaningful conversations are what challenges you, then you’re in no way required to go there. It’s perfectly alright to have a friendly chat about the nice weather or why you like tomatoes.
3. You can end the conversation at any point without being rude. That’s very rare in most interactions. Try that on a date, your boss or with a romantic partner and you’ll suffer the consequences!
4. There are absolutely no expectations on either side and so you can’t fail to begin with.

6 Tips for talking with anyone

Here are six tips when you’re talking with a stranger:

1. Gaze briefly at the other person and see if it’s reciprocated. If that’s the case, answer with a smile.
   
   But please be aware that there’s a difference between a gaze and a stare. A stare will more likely create a fight reaction, as Phoebe Ellsworth and her team showed in their study “The Stare as a Stimulus to Flight in Human Subjects: A Series of Field Experiments.” in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
   
   If a person doesn’t gaze back at you, then trying harder is not going to help.
2. Saying “Hello”, “How are you” or similar phrases.
   
   This is called Phatic Communication – it’s almost without factual information or literal meaning, but it has tremendous social value. It says: “I see you and I want to be friendly because you’re a person too”
   
   If you’ve ever worked in the service industry, you know how likely it is that you’re mistaken for a walking, talking piece of furniture that knows how to hand over the food.
   
   The value of these phrases lies in acknowledging the other person – so make sure you’re also making eye contact while you say it.
3. Making a casual comment about a shared space or experience, like commenting on something you can both see.
   
   This is called Triangulation. It’s powerful because it starts the conversation with a very low commitment for both sides. You’re not talking about the other person or even yourself, but about a third element – maybe it’s the bus that’s late or the pink poodle that just did a somersault.
   
   And if that starts off a nice conversation, feel free to ditch that third element and talk about the other person and/or yourself!
4. A compliment also often works in starting a conversation – provided it’s given genuinely and in a respectful manner.
   
   You can follow it up with a question if you like (“Where did your poodle learn to do somersaults like that?”), but you don’t have to.
5. Asking for something – like directions – doesn’t tend to work very well.
   
   You’re making a request. And while the other party is expected to answer, that’s also where the conversation will end. In the eyes of the other person, it’s now complete. Making a request is not social interaction, it’s a transaction.
6. A stranger is much more likely to share something personal if you share something personal first. Much more likely even than your personal connections.
   
   “Disclosure begets Disclosure”, writes Sidney Jourard in his book “Self-Disclosure: an Experimental Analysis for the Transparent Self”
   
   In short, it’s actually easier to be vulnerable around strangers, and they’ll reciprocate much more likely. That’s because it’s an interaction between two people who will most likely never see each other again. 

Here’s where it gets really interesting and counterintuitive: this doesn’t work with sharing just facts – the reciprocity quickly goes out of the window. Why? Probably because facts are inherently less interesting than learning something personal about the other person.

After happiness, health, and a sense of belonging, here’s yet another reason why you should talk with anyone:

Talking to Strangers might solve all your problems (ok, some of them)

In his seminal work “The Strength of Weak Ties”, Mark Granovetter describes “Weak Ties” as people in our network who are mere acquaintances. They’re at the fringe of our social network and we spend very little – if any – time with them.

Now it might be easy to dismiss the importance that such a person can have on your life. After all, what’s Jeff, your friendly barista, going to do for you that your friends won’t? What support can George, the guy you chatted with at last year’s Comic-Con, provide, given that he’s living on a different continent?

What Granovetter showed, and what made his work so famous, was the finding that the very power of those weak ties lies in the fact that they’re not close to us. 

Think about it. While your close ties are probably eager and willing to help you, in many cases their closeness to you is going to be a hindrance.

Your friends:

• know the same people you do
• hang out at the same events you do
• read the same news and classifieds you do

Tell your best friend that you’ve started your business as a web designer, and he might reply: “Dude, I know. You’ve talked of nothing else for a month now!”

But say that same thing to Jeff, your friendly barista, and you might end up with a new client or some referrals.

And the same is true for a lot of things that require new connections:

• Looking for a job or gigs
• Finding the best secret sushi place in the city
• Finding a date who has a pink poodle that can do somersaults

Stranger, if you read this all the way to the end then I hope this was helpful to you! 

And if you want to learn how to have engaging conversations, build deeper connections professionally, socially, and romantically… in short, take your social skills to the next level of awesome, then check out Captivate and Connect Workshop.

The post How to Talk to Anyone appeared first on The Art of Charm.

If you’re like many people, conversation anticipation will put a few beads of sweat on your forehead.

But here’s the good news:

While conversation skills are just that–skills to be practiced–some can be implemented swiftly. As a social skills coach we know that these skills are not only learnable but a lot of fun when we make it easier on ourselves.

Let’s look at some easy-to-learn skills you can start using right after you finish reading this post.

Without further ado, here are 8 ways to have a better conversation:

1. Listen!

Let’s start with the most apparent technique: you need to listen to the other person!

It’s very common to get caught up in our own heads while the other person is talking. We try to come up with a follow-up question, a witty remark, or a story of our own.

We do this because we’re so afraid of the awkward pause that happens when the person stops talking and we don’t know what to say next.

I get it. It feels weird.

But it comes at a price. We’re not really “there,” overthinking everything, and stressed out until we formulate a smart comment. Then, we make it even worse by interrupting the person to blurt out our brilliant reply.

Instead, do this:

Really listen to what the other person is saying and get out of your own head. When it’s your turn to speak, appreciate the short pause that happens because you need to think about what to say. It’s not awkward–it’s a compliment to the other person! This pause shows them you were listening.

2. Give longer answers than you usually would

Are you someone who answers every question with a minimum of words if you can get away with it?

It’s tough for even the best conversationalists to keep a conversation going when all you’re giving them are one-word answers!

“What’s your favorite Movie?” – “Star Wars”

“Do you have a hobby?” – “Hiking”

Yeah. That’s not working.

Instead, do this: as a rule of thumb, aim for 2-sentence answers.

“My favorite movie is Star Wars. This movie has influenced my entire childhood, and to this day, I still want to be a Jedi!”

“I like hiking. It allows me to just switch off, enjoy the mountains, and get healthy exercise in as well!”

Here’s a Tip: answer the question and then add the “Why.”

That way, you’re not only sharing facts but you’re also allowing this person a deeper glimpse into your world.

Also, you’ll be surprised what you learn about yourself when you start answering questions this way!

What is it that you actually like about your favorite dish?

And what exactly is it that you like about your favorite song?

3. Replace questions with statements

“This feels like an interview.” Have you ever heard this during a conversation? I certainly have.

The other person really was super interesting, and I wanted to hear more about her life. But it’s also no surprise she felt like she was being interrogated!

Instead, try this: every once in a while, reply with a statement, not a question.

I’ll show you an easy trick! We all know how to ask these yes/no questions (also known as the slow death of a conversation):

“Did you like it?”

“Did that stress you out?”

Just change those questions into statements by making an educated guess:

“Sounds like you like it!”

“That stressed you out.”

That way you can avoid the interview vibe. Not that hard, right?

What’s fantastic is you’ll make the other person feel understood and they’ll get the impression that you two are connecting so well!

And don’t worry about making a wrong guess. The person will just correct you and move right along with the story.

4. Ask for their opinion on something

Don’t you love it when someone holds you in such high regard they want your opinion on something?

Oh yes, it’s the best. Like bacon wrapped in bacon.

Guess what? You can use an opinion question and the associated fuzzy feeling to your own advantage.

You don’t have to ask about anything life-changing, you can literally put “Can I get your opinion on…” in front of any question you were going to ask anyway!

“I want to try out a few restaurants in this area. Actually, can I get your opinion on that? What’s your favorite restaurant here?”

There’s just one thing we like to hear more than being asked for our opinion–and that’s the sound of our own name…

5. Use the other person’s name frequently

Hearing the sound of our own name is very comforting. It’s a pity we don’t hear it more often!

So let’s change that. Every couple of sentences, drop the other person’s name. At the start of a statement, at the end of a question–drop it like it’s hot!

The first time you do this? Right after they tell you their name!

“Hey, I’m Michael. What’s your name?”

“I’m Josh.”

“Nice to meet you, Josh!”

Then a minute later: “So Josh, what do you think about…”

This is a two-in-one deal. Not only does it make the other person feel more comfortable, but it also makes it much easier for you to remember their name later, or the next time you meet again.

6. Keep strong eye contact

There is much to be said about the science behind eye contact. Which is the reason I wrote an entire article about just that: How to hold great eye contact. Check it out!

Want the short version?

Keep strong eye contact both while you are listening and while you are speaking!

7. Let go of the outcome

Have you ever enjoyed a job interview? Or a sales call?

As in, really enjoyed it?

But what about the random conversation you had with a stranger last week–the one who was waiting in line in front of you? Why was that so enjoyable and memorable?

After all, it wasn’t about getting a sweet new job or making a big sale. It was just someone you knew you’d never ever see again.

Here’s a very complex formula for you:

Intention + Fun = 1

When you’re entering a conversation with an intended outcome in mind, your brain will stay occupied with checking your progress, correcting course, and planning ahead. The more invested you are and the clearer the intention, the more your mind gets hijacked by its own quality control.

“Is this the right time to mention that …”

“Why’s he laughing? I didn’t mean for this to be funny! How do I get back on the script now?”

“Oh no, why is she not playing with her hair by now? Do I need to be more serious? Or more flirtatious?”

But if we enter into a conversation without any agenda, our brains don’t get bogged down by running all that analysis in the background (or let’s face it: in the foreground!).

Instead, we turn our full attention toward what we find interesting or enjoyable. And that automatically means the conversation has a better chance of being exciting and enjoyable for the other person as well.

8. Not everyone wants to talk all of the time

Let me tell you a sad truth about your life; you’re not a pink fluffy unicorn.

If you were, everyone in the world would love talking to you for hours–whenever, wherever.

But you’re not. It sucks.

So, what now? You can either go through extensive plastic surgery and turn yourself into one, or you can accept one simple fact of life–not everyone wants to talk to you all of the time.

Sometimes, some people are…

• in a rush, stressed out, and don’t have time to talk
• hungry, cold, tired, angry, or sad, and don’t feel like talking
• very shy and uncomfortable in a conversation, especially when that conversation was initiated by a confident and attractive stranger (that’s you, you silly non-unicorn!)
• being approached by 10 other guys in the past 10 minutes

Add to this list any other perfectly understandable reasons why they don’t want to talk with anyone, or maybe just not with you, at the moment.

It’s tempting to think you can hone your social skills to a point where you can connect with everyone, all the time.

Forget it.

Conversations are multiplayer activities. And if the other person doesn’t want to play, that’s probably not (only) because of you.

Maybe they’re just waiting for that pink fluffy unicorn.

And that’s it!

Don’t get overexcited and try to use all of these techniques all of the time. Start with one or two and practice them until they become automatic. Then move on to the next!

These techniques are just a tiny part of what we cover in 8 Weeks of Core Confidence, our video-based group coaching program, and the week-long Bootcamp here in Hollywood.

And now, my lovely non-unicorns, go out there and ROCK the conversation!

High-Five,

Michael

The post 8 Easy Ways to Have Better Conversations appeared first on The Art of Charm.

And you sit there, staring at your lap and mumble: “Dude if I looked like you I wouldn’t struggle with this either.”

Or you scroll through your Instagram feed with all those motivational messages that tell you to “dance like no-one’s watching!” with a picture of a beach thrown in for good measure.

You make a mental note to do so, and you keep scrolling.

On one side, we have this problem of crippling self-doubt that has the stopping power of a brick wall. On the other side, we have society’s remedy for it: motivational messages telling you that you can be anything you want to, if only you believe in yourself.

Before we get started, let me get one thing out of the way, so we’re on the same page: this article is not going to be an inspirational monologue.

It is a systematic, step-by-step approach to chip away at your self-doubts.

Here’s what’s needed of you:

1. The ability to think critically – so that we can build the right mindset
2. Being ready to sit down on your ass and study – so that we can build the knowledge
3. Lastly, the willingness to leave your comfort zone – so that we can build up the experience

Build the right mindset

“He who says he can and he who says he can’t are both usually right” – Confucius

There is the idea of the fixed mindset and the growth mindset, an area in which Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck has done much work. In short, it states that those who cling to a fixed mindset believe that their character traits, skills, etc. are unchangeable. Those that hold on to a growth mindset, however, believe that these traits are malleable and that both success and failure can lead to growth in any given field.

This is where we need to start.

So what I’d like you to do first is to write down a few things. Look at one of your self-doubts and answer these questions:

Is it true that you always fail at this?

Has there been a time when you were able to have some success – no matter how small?

Take the time to look into this and don’t limit yourself. You want to list as many instances as you can to punch holes into this belief system. Anything, no matter how small, helps!

For example, let’s say you’re held back by the belief that you can’t hold an engaging conversation. Have you never – in your entire life! – held an engaging conversation? Not even with your family? With your best friend?
And what about those conversations that didn’t go perfectly, but where you briefly made the other person smile and ask you a question in return?

We’re only looking at successes here. For the sake of this exercise, all the fails that come to mind go into the trash bin.

What bulletproof, verifiable evidence do you have for your belief?

What other reasons might explain the outcome of a particular situation?

It does not matter how unlikely these reasons seem to you at the moment. Also, no matter how convincing your evidence appears to be – would it hold up in a court of law with a really, really expensive lawyer at your side?

What about that time last weekend, when that person seemed uninterested: could it be that she merely had to catch her bus? That she was exhausted after a stressful day at work and just wanted to go home?
Would every bystander be able to testify in court that “the accused was unable to engage in a conversation, and it was all the fault of the accused, your honor!” – or maybe, not quite?

Acquire the necessary knowledge

In our day and time, it’s a very straightforward process to find all the information you will ever need: books, video courses, online communities, coaching programs, and so on.

No matter the skill – from talking to people to making bonsai trees out of paper mache.

You’re a smart kid and after all, this is the world of Google and every bit of information being at our fingertips.

I will instead warn you about a common pitfall that happens a lot at this stage. What do we all do, when we lack a skill? We read a book about it.

And then we read some more.

And more.

And… you guessed it: just one more.

A year later, we have more knowledge than we can wave a stick at. Moreover, we haven’t done anything with it. In fact, we’ve already forgotten a lot of the stuff that we read!

Sound familiar at all?

We hear this again and again from the people in our Bootcamp Program, “I have read all the books, I know all the stuff… however, I don’t do anything with it!”

Instead, do this: read enough so you can take the first step.

Then take it.

Get some feedback, and see what the next gap in your knowledge is. Then go and read up on that. That’s taking baby steps forward.

Get experience

This is where it comes together – you have that growth mindset, and you have enough knowledge to venture the first step into unchartered territory.

This is also where it gets uncomfortable – but only a little bit.

I’ll tell you why it’s so tempting to get stuck in an endless loop of reading books and watching videos: because it’s not scary at all! You can do all of that from the comfort of your couch while drinking a cup of hot cocoa.

However, developing a skill takes more than just knowledge. It requires us to step out of our comfort zone and to take that first step.

But it doesn’t have to be hard.

Remember, you are only practicing one step. No matter how small that step is, it’s the step that will provide you with those first successes. And if all you did was make eye contact and say “Hi” in passing, that’s already fantastic!

There are many ways in which you can systematically go after these small wins, and we’ll cover that in an article soon.

For now, know that success breeds confidence. It fosters the feeling that we are the master of our actions. If we take action often enough, success is inevitable.

This process is not a strictly linear. You may want to go back to the questions in the first part of this article and answer them again. Also, go back to the notes you took when you acquired the knowledge, and see where you followed through and also where you could do better the next time.

A coach can be a great help here because he/she will always make sure that you’re taking action, hold you accountable and provide feedback.

Now what you need to do is to keep going! You won’t be able to think yourself out of that self-doubt.

You need to act your way out of it.

[xyz-ihs snippet=”core-confidence-CTA”]

The post How to Deal with Crippling Self-Doubts appeared first on The Art of Charm.