“No doubt, he was definitely up all night partying.”

“Pfft. Dude thinks he’s too cool for school. Probably a total douchebag.”

“I bet he can barely string a full sentence together.”

Sometimes, it’s as if I can read people’s thoughts like they’re written in speech bubbles over their heads. And although the commentary isn’t always quite so judgmental, it does happen that way more times than not. 

I walk into a room full of strangers. Their eyes take in what they see before them – a man whose love for music has shaped him in so many ways. They observe the way I’ve chosen to dress and the way I move through space. 

And then they jump to conclusions. 

Incorrect conclusions, but it’s not their fault. That’s just how the human brain works. Although we continuously remind ourselves not to judge a book by its cover, we continue to do so whenever we encounter something unfamiliar. We seek to put it into terms we can understand, and frequently that involves pigeonholing someone unfairly and inaccurately. 

The human brain is nothing if not efficient. Tasked with processing an insane number of thoughts and perceptions every second – conscious and not – it’s got to take shortcuts. These are the well-worn paths we’re pre-programmed with; years of personal experience cement them in place. Some of those shortcuts could hardly be considered politically correct, much less accurate. But they are efficient. 

I see this.

This means that.

What’s the upshot of all that subconscious brain activity? Stories. Stories about you. Stories about me. And unfortunately, these stories don’t need to have any actual basis in fact. Once they exist, unfounded or not, they can end up sticking around for the long run. 

Left unchallenged, these preconceived notions people form about each other can develop into a blockade preventing a genuine connection. Luckily, challenging them is not only possible — it’s something you can achieve far more easily than you might’ve thought. Furthermore, it’s something you really should be trying to do. 

Can We Interrupt Their (Incorrect) Story?

Laura Huang’s book Edge: Turning Adversity into Advantage touches on this. As a professor who has studied stereotypes and bias for over ten years, she found that success can hinge on a person’s ability to influence other people’s perceptions of them. The key, she asserts, is in being able to flip negative assumptions about your strengths and flaws. For more information on her findings and approach, you can listen to our interview with Laura. 

E.D.G.E. stands for:

E… Enrich: What is the value you bring into your work environment and social circle? There’s the value you know you have, and there’s the value others see. Here at The Art of Charm, we always go above and beyond to enrich every situation we’re in. Every situation offers us an opportunity to practice as we take the next step in the lifelong journey of personal transformation. 

D… Delight: Delighting your peers in the context of your professional environment. This is about bringing fun and humor into situations, helping people be at ease. You can only succeed at this if you are present in the moment. (This is why we have an improv workshop as part of our Bootcamp training.) Personally, I want to see the humor in everything in life. Having a sense of humor about yourself and the world around you makes everything easier. This includes those moments when someone else’s thinking doesn’t line up with what you were hoping for. Staying positive can make those situations much easier to navigate. 

G… Guide: Guiding other people’s perceptions of who you are. You need to be able to tell your story, or people will give you a story based on their own preconceived perceptions. If you’re worried about this being manipulative, keep in mind that they will form judgments no matter what you choose to do. Also, they will be making assumptions about what you’ve achieved and where you’re heading. Guide their thinking and show them your potential —  if you’re putting your actual self forward, it is less about strategy and more geared towards being authentic about who you are.

E… Effort: If you’re actively following The Art of Charm, you’ve got this one covered. We’re not afraid of going above and beyond to work on ourselves. We don’t believe in fate, but instead, believe the fact that we create our own destiny. This includes being able to see other people’s doubts as opportunities. Negative perceptions of us only hold power over us if we let them. By turning stereotypes into benefits working in our favor, we can use effort to stay one step ahead of the game. 

Specifically, it’s our responsibility to guide people’s perceptions of us. Of course, Art of Charm has some help if you want to nail your first impressions, as well. 

How Can We Pierce Through Their Unconscious Preconceptions?

Challenging someone’s unfounded assumptions doesn’t need to be a stressful experience. In fact, instead of being a confrontation, it can present an opportunity to create delight and have some fun. The instant I become aware that I need to tell my own story rather than letting others’ preconceived notions take over, I get really real. I call out the stereotype I suspect they’re running with – and I do so with humor.

Give some thought to the stereotypes people likely run in their brains as they encounter you. Then find amusing ways you can poke fun and pierce through those preconceptions. They won’t be expecting that; their brains have already told them how your interaction is likely to go. By shining a spotlight on the stereotype – in a funny, friendly way – you can help their brains to shift out of autopilot. That gentle jolt of vivid clarity is what makes real connection possible. It’s what wakes us up to the present moment.

And when you take responsibility for telling your own story, it’s that much easier to stay true to your authentic self. 

The post Tell Your Story… Before They Make One Up for You appeared first on The Art of Charm.

Worse, based on past experience, I knew what was coming next. It was the same thing I always faced in those moments, but there was no way to stop it from happening. And although it came from my own head, there was no way to lower the volume. 

It was a noisy, unrelenting stream of self-condemnation…

… You’re a loser. 

… No one likes you.

… You need to go out and meet people.

So went the most self-destructive decade of my life. I had created my own problems for myself, born from poor self-image, that snowballed into major obstacles. To make matters worse, my marginal social skills weren’t going to help me very much, either.

Sure, the biology of a 20-something male added fuel to the fire, not-so-subtly nudging me to go out and reproduce. However, none of those emotions had any data to back up the thoughts I was having. They still left me in need of direction, with no idea how I was supposed to make any progress. 

But There Was A Better Way

One that gave me better mastery of myself that allowed me to feel at home in my own skin… even if I was staying home for the night, even if it meant I was lonely for the evening.

See, if we don’t become knowledgeable about ourselves, we will always be held captive by our tendency to self-sabotage. Only when we become aware of our harmful self-talk can we leave our limiting beliefs behind and embrace a world of possibilities. This is where the harmful lenses we place over ourselves can be ignored, showing us the truth. 

Only then, with none of our own bias clouding our perspective, can everything make sense, and the solution becomes clear. 

So, how can you create this sort of “magic” in your life, putting an end to the self-sabotage and finally showing up in social situations the way you’ve only dreamed of until now?

Notice And Learn Your Triggers And Engage With Them

All too often, we instinctively act the same way once we feel uncomfortable in a social situation. One of the most damaging aspects of self-sabotage is the fact that we often don’t even realize it’s happening. And if we aren’t aware of a problem’s actual cause, it is impossible to correct it in any lasting way. You might find a temporary fix, but those bandages will only lead you back to the same issues over time. 

Self-sabotaging social behavior tends to be impulsive and automatic. This means you could plan to do better, only to have your own actions undermine everything once you’re uncomfortable again. Although this can make it very hard to make progress towards your goals, it is entirely possible to correct your course. 

And it all begins with awareness, both of your own surroundings, and of the impact of your own perspective on yourself. 

Instead of launching into the same patterns of behavior, slow things down and consider how you’d typically respond to the situation. Think about how those actions would impact you, and whether they’d move you closer to your goals or farther from seeing them achieved. 

Ask yourself:  

•   What evidence do I have to back up these feelings and thoughts?
•   Could there be another reason I feel this way?
•   Am I making this about myself?

This is something you can practice to see your social skills improve. Take account of what’s going on, keep a clear perspective, and you’ll find yourself moving closer to your social goals. 

By doing this work, you may become acutely aware of a trend we see in social situations. You go to a club, and everyone’s on their phones. They’re not interacting, not connecting, not getting to know others, or add value to them. It’s not necessarily that they’re intentionally choosing to opt out of the present moment. It’s more a matter of habit. As they reinforce the habit of staying glued to the virtual world, they choose to deplete their social acumen. 

Stop Feeding The Beast, Start Really Living

Simply put, the more we feed a destructive habit, the stronger and more natural-feeling it becomes. Self-sabotaging behaviors will feel like normal, acceptable responses if you let them continue. Identifying them and putting in the effort needed to stop them is the only way to end the spiral. 

You also want to ensure that your goals haven’t gotten away from you. Although it can be useful to keep your intentions in mind, if they’re too ambitious, you could be setting yourself up for failure. Unrealistic goals can be a form of self-sabotage, so it’s essential to make sure you aren’t bogging yourself down with any. Redefine them in a way that allows you to feel fulfilled, even when you’ve hit a setback.

Setbacks are abundant when it comes to changing your social behavior. Some tendencies are much harder to break than others, with many of the most harmful habits coming as a result of our reliance on technology:

•   Keeping our eyes glued to screens becomes a powerful habit. 
•   We feel antsy – even a little panicked – during even the briefest period of tech abstinence.
•   Given a choice between the discomfort of disconnecting from our tech or continuing to consume its social skill-dulling drug, we reinforce the habit and prolong our pain.

If getting stuck in such an unproductive cycle isn’t the biggest killer of joy, presence, and creativity… I don’t know what is. 

As someone who aims to produce more than I consume, I know it’s MY responsibility to take my thoughts captive, to practice daily, and to build the habits that serve me best. That’s what keeps me young, excited, and humble.

The post Here’s How to Stop the Pain of Self-Sabotage and Step into the Life You Really Want appeared first on The Art of Charm.

It’s Not Just Romantic Relationships that Matter

Often the word relationship is used to discuss a romantic partner, however, relationships of all kinds – friends, co-workers, family, neighbors, social networks, etc. – can influence a person’s health and happiness. A lot of us fall into a trap of comfort and spend time with people who are physically closest to us without thinking about the positive and negative influences from these people.

Just because someone is near us, however, doesn’t make us have a healthy relationship with them. We’re not just bringing in that person, we’re bringing in their culture, their values, their baggage, the work they did or haven’t done on themselves. A lot of times if they haven’t done any of that work, they’re bringing their baggage in, and they’re going to dump it off on our doorstep and ask us to deal with it.

Avoid Value Vampires

One thing we’ve observed is that the people who tend to be the most negative of influences also happen to have a lot of free time. We call these people “value vampires”. It takes some relationship management skills, but value vampires should be avoided as much as possible.

Instead, it’s better to focus on having healthy relationships with people who can be considered “high-value.” By high-value we mean people who can give you the attention, approval, and acceptance that you are looking for yourself because that is what allows you to feel good. It’s people who can celebrate others’ wins, people who can cheer others’ on and encourage them, and people who are genuine and authentic.

High-value people are like the rising tide that lifts all ships. In contrast, “low-value” people tend to act out to get attention, behave selfishly and do not give easily to others.

Name and Evaluate Reference Group

Dr. David McCaulin of Harvard has done a lot of research around relationships and the power of connections. He calls the people who most influence someone’s life a “reference group.” The five most important people in someone’s life can be considered their reference group. It’s interesting to write these names down and consider how each affects our lives.

He has found that how this reference group acts can greatly influence an individual. One study showed that we’re 15% more likely to be happy when a direct connection is happy. There’s also research that shows that the reference group can influence a person’s exercise, eating, drinking and smoking habits. It seems that peer pressure, explicit or not, never goes away.

The Norm or Frame is Very Powerful

Another way to think about “peer pressure” is that community creates belief. In each community – work and social – there’s a standard for how things ought to be. This standard is called a norm or a frame.

Take exercise for example. If we surround ourselves with people who get up every single morning and workout. Naturally, we’re going to start to think working out in the morning is probably a good way to get it done. Let’s say we’re healthy and fit but one night, we go to a friend’s party and see that our friend has gained a little bit of weight. We may not have an opinion about it, but in some small way, the norm is now changed in our group. What is acceptable has changed. Unconsciously, it’s more normal to be chubby. These norms can be transmitted inside of our network. We’re influenced by all of them constantly and the norms shift. A lot of us aren’t even paying attention to some of the norms.

Friends of Friends (of Friends…) Also Influence Mental Health and Wellbeing

While it’s understandable that the people we spend the most time with affect our wellbeing, we were surprised to learn that we can also be influenced by friends of friends and more indirect relationships as well. Science also says that if the friend of our friend is happy, it increases our likeliness of being happy by 10%. When a friend of a friend of our friend is happy, our likeliness of being happy increases by 6%. As we grow our network with more positive-minded people, it’s likely to help in our pursuit of happiness as well.

Reducing Negative Influences Doesn’t Mean Being a Hermit

Once we identified the value vampires, we didn’t know what to do. Humans are complicated. Everyone has positive and negative qualities. It seems like we would have to live like a hermit and never interact with anyone to avoid any negativity. Instead, if we come across negativity – in the workplace or friendships – we choose not to engage in that conversation and may even speak up about the behavior.

We’re not saying we surround ourselves with yes-men and people who just agree with us no matter what. Instead, we’re talking about people who have a positive disposition, who know that happiness means greater meaning and purpose in one’s life and fostering healthy relationships and taking care of one another and being cooperative. These are all the signals that we’re looking for when we’re nurturing and cultivating our own network and our own relationships.

The Power of Healthy Relationships

As we noted when looking at norms and frames, relationships can have both positive and negative effects on behaviors, attitudes, worldview and outlook. This is true in social life, romance, business and entrepreneurship. Happiness begets happiness, and negativity begets negativity, even when relationships are a few degrees removed. It’s clear that building healthy relationships that are supportive, accepting and encouraging is important for success, wellbeing and happiness in all areas of our lives.

The post The Power of Healthy Relationships appeared first on The Art of Charm.

When we use the word value it means something very specific to us here at AOC. For us, value is how we derive attention, approval, and acceptance, which humans need to feel good about themselves. You can think of it as oxygen for the human soul. 

Think about it; ever since the time you were born you have devised ways to achieve attention, approval, and acceptance for yourself. Unfortunately, some of those ways are low value while some of those ways are high value.  Attention, approval, and acceptance allow us to feel connected, respected, and important to those around us. When we have the respect and attention of those around us, we have social proof and power, and it’s those things that allow us to be attractive to everyone. People want to be around those who everyone wants to be around. It assures us that we’ll always have resources.

How We Add Value

As we get older, we have to develop ways of gaining this value. If we don’t develop these skills, we’re doomed to exhibit low-value ways of achieving attention, which will have the effect of repulsion rather than the desired effect of attraction.

An easy way to think about this is to think back to when you were a child; how did you get attention for yourself? When we were children we tended to beg or cry for it…these tactics do not work as an adult. In fact, as I mentioned earlier, they repel people rather than attract them.

Also, think about the idea of value as a magic code for your daily life, as well as attracting a mate, as these things go hand-in-hand.  In order to build value for yourself, you’re going to have to gain the respect and attention of others, and the best way is to allow the people around you to feel good about themselves!

How Respect is Earned

Everything you want in life you’re going to have to earn through the cooperation of others.  Giving value is the easiest way of achieving that. Let me paint a picture for you: Imagine you had a sheet of paper with a hundred small circles on it and that you were the center circle. Everything you want in life is somewhere else on that sheet of paper. In order to gather these other things in life, you’re going to have to maneuver through all the other circles. I think it’s easy for us to figure out that being “nice” to the other circles should make it easier to move to where we need to move to.

However, all the other circles need to move to other areas as well, because they’re looking to gather things they want in their lives too. What we will quickly find out is we could easily be taken advantage of. When this happens it tends to force us in the opposite direction: to toughen up around the other circles in order to protect ourselves, but this causes our movement to slow down as well. Our attitude is now making it difficult for others to want to work with us. So now what happens is we try to figure out who the people are who would help and move towards them while trying to decipher who are takers and try to avoid those people. Unfortunately, it’s terribly difficult to figure this out as it is difficult to truly understand people’s motives. After all, it’s not like they have them written across their forehead.

So, what’s the best way to maneuver through the circles in a manner that will not take its toll on your spirit and will? The answer is to develop internal value for yourself in order to work through the circles that are giving value, so you are able to gather their support, without being taken advantage of and wearing yourself down in the day-to-day grind. This is a fun, smart way to gain value for yourself rather than trying to trick people into thinking you hold value that you don’t have.

Our Responsibility

So how do we go about earning this internal value for ourselves? Start by taking some responsibility for what you want and how you’re going to go about getting it.

By building self-responsibility and discipline, you’ll slowly begin to earn it from others. Think about it: how can you really build boundaries for others if you can’t build them within yourself?  Starting with yourself first allows you to develop these ideas internally which will inevitably extend to those around you.

It’s through this work that you will slowly start building the confidence you’ll need to throw yourself into the fray of life’s circles.

Want another tip to gain confidence? Here is an episode about Emotional Bids that might help with the transition from having this knowledge, to actually using this knowledge in your everyday life.

The post How to Get Respect by Giving Value appeared first on The Art of Charm.

In the last few weeks, we’ve talked about low-value people, value vampires, and today we want to talk about why you should continue to develop social skills. The right skills will help you build a social circle of high-value people. We want you to know how to attract these people into your life and how to keep them there.

Time for a Friend Audit

The first thing you have to do is make time for these people. You can’t bring anyone in if there’s no room. You have to find time and make some room for these people. It can be very helpful to do sort of a ‘friend audit.’

Your time is limited, between juggling work, hobbies, doing things you enjoy that make you happy and a vast social circle. In order to improve your social life, you need to find out who you’re spending the most time with, and whether they’re adding positive support and encouragement to your life.

We’ve talked before about how much you can accomplish when you’re surrounded by supportive, encouraging people and how much negative people can hold you back. After nearly 700 podcasts and all the successful people we’ve interviewed, that’s the number one lesson we’ve learned.

Surround yourself with positive people. They’re high-value, they have an abundance mindset and they freely and clearly show you their support. So once you’ve done your ‘friend audit,’ what’s the next thing you need to do?

Look for High-Value Traits

Some examples of high-value qualities in people include encouragement and support of course, but what are some other, not so obvious high-value traits? We love to say that ‘how you do anything is how you do everything’, so you want to pay close attention to how people behave with others when you’re with them.

• Do they give others their undivided attention? Or do they spend time on their phone while people are talking to them?
• Are they accepting of others or judgmental? Do they celebrate your victories and share your joys?
• Are they warm and welcoming and do they seem comfortable being around you? Do they seem to be appreciative and do they understand the importance of celebrating the accomplishments of others?

All of these are high-value qualities in people you can watch for and be aware of while you interact with others.

It’s important to understand the high value of support and congratulating others. Show your support by attending their events, and the high-value people will reciprocate by attending your events.

Keep in mind when you hold an event, it’s never about the people who didn’t attend. Your focus should always be on the people who show up. They’re the ones who appreciate you and they’re the ones who deserve your appreciation.

High-Value People Are Busy

As you start to improve your social life and spend more time with high-value people, keep in mind they stay busy. Lots of people want their attention, everyone wants to spend time with them, so you can’t expect they’ll drop everything to join you and your social circle.

So it may take a little time to fill it with high-value people, but your patience will pay off in the long run. This is an investment in the rest of your life, so it’s worth taking your time to accomplish it. If you find one or two people who return your same level of support and encouragement, they’re more important than a whole boatload of acquaintances who may or may not be there when you need them.

You Gotta Have a Plan

Because high-value people are busy, you can’t just demand, “Hey, include me in your life!” You need to have some interesting options to offer them — some great things you can invite them to. And give them the invitation early enough that they have time to plan ahead.

Don’t be concerned if the first few times you try to arrange for them to come to something, they can’t make it. They’re busy, you’re busy, it happens. That’s why we strongly encourage you to set up recurring events, once a month or every other month. When you have a recurring event, you’ve always got something coming up to which you can invite friendly new people.

We try to have something going on at least once a month. In the past, when we’ve been really trying to build up our social circle, we were actually doing it once a week. We hosted a pool party at our apartment every Sunday.

Of course not everyone could make it every Sunday, but after a while, you start building momentum. People who couldn’t make it see the results posted on Facebook and think “Man, I have to go check that out next time!”

Moving to a New Town? It’s Crucial to Develop Social Skills

What happens if you move to a new town and you’re trying to get started building your social circle? It can be easy to think “Hey, I don’t know anybody, I need to join other people.” That’s fine, you should meet people and support them and their events.

But you still need to think about creating your own. You can do that by finding just two or three people you can get involved with and help them achieve their dreams and get whatever they’re wanting to bring into their lives.

By doing that, you’re cultivating your own stuff and when two or three of you are doing great things and you’re putting it out there, all of a sudden you start attracting everybody else. You become the center of it and can start commanding who’s coming in and out and what’s going on.

Getting and Keeping High-Value People

You need to understand when it comes to meeting high-value people and keeping them in your life, it’s better to focus on firm, solid connections with one or two people. Don’t immediately jump into somebody else’s social circle and try to grab onto every person you see and become social with them.

Take your time and meet new people, but don’t forget about cultivating your own circle of friends. If you want high-value people to join you, you’ll want to have your own stuff going on.

So there’s no need to intercept someone else’s social circle. Find two, maybe three good, high-value people to start with and start working and developing yourself. It won’t take long for you to start seeing your amazing social circle blossom.

The post How to Develop Social Skills to Attract and Keep High-Value People appeared first on The Art of Charm.

In this post, we want to share some of our best tips and tricks for time management training. We know how it is to be so busy you feel like you can’t get everything done. In the end, it really does come down to learning how to manage your time better.

The First Thing You Must Realize About Managing Time

The first thing you need to understand: you will do the things you want to do. If you want to play video games, you’ll find the time to play video games. If you want to go out and socialize, you’ll find time to go out and socialize.

So it’s important to ask yourself: is this task something you need to do but not something you want to do, or is it something you have anxiety about doing? If you’re anxious about doing a certain task or activity, then you’ll need to work through that. The good news is you can use your anxiety to propel you into action, rather than keeping you from it.

If you really want to accomplish a task, but you feel anxiety creeping in, it’s a good idea to “small chunk” it. For instance, if you haven’t gone out socializing lately, it can be completely overwhelming to go out to a big networking event. So “small chunk” it. Take baby steps first.

Start by going out for just an hour. Make that the goal instead of running around trying to collect as many business cards as possible. That way, you can focus on taking the baby step; get it out of the way, and then you can begin to reduce the anxiety.

Time Management Training Helps You Weed out Time Wasters

Think about all of the time wasters in your life. What sucks the most time out of your life? Obviously we don’t want you to stop watching our Facebook Live videos, but Facebook and other social media platforms can be a huge time-drain. In order to move forward, you have to learn how to manage your time efficiently.

We all have our vices — Facebook, video games, movies — you just need to figure out if there’s something you can do a little less often to make more room for these other, more important tasks. One easy way to get started is by deleting the apps from your phone. Yes, really!

Remove Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook from your phone and you’re going to find more time in your day. We all get caught in it — mindlessly surfing through social media. These platforms have teams of engineers whose sole job is to design apps to be as addictive as possible and to take as much of your time and attention as they can.

If you’re single, you may be surprised how many hours a week you can find just by deleting the dating apps from your phone! If you’re not sure what you spend the most time on, there are some convenient apps you can download to show you exactly where you are spending the most time online.

Those time tracking apps serve as excellent time management tools. They log all the time you spend on various apps, which will help you to see very quickly where you can shave a couple hours off of “busy work” and actually focus more on the stuff that matters.

One of Our Biggest Secrets for How to Manage Your Time Better

This is a big one. We can’t stress this one enough. You must set up a calendar and start using it. If your day is disorganized, you’re never going to find the time to get anything done. Some of the most productive people have schedules that are meticulously put together. This allows them to find time for everything they’re trying to do.

They know and understand if they don’t block off time for something, it doesn’t get done. So just the act of setting up a calendar and blocking off time will help you prioritize the things that matter so they don’t fall through the cracks.

Another trick we use that will help you get more done is to figure out what time of the day you feel most productive. If you try to tackle the heavy stuff at a time of day when you’re exhausted or not able to get excited about doing anything, stuff is just not going to get done.

Everyone Can Benefit from Having a Set Routine

After interviewing hundreds of successful people from all over the world, we know having a routine in your life is a key component to success. It’s important, and we’ve talked about this many times, to have a morning routine and an evening routine to “bookend” your day.

These times are like a digital detox: no email checking, no time on Slack, no social media at all. The Internet-free morning routine helps you get ready for the day, and the evening time is for unwinding from the day. Doing this every single day will change your life; you may be surprised by how peaceful and stress-reducing the experience of these routines can be.

Are You Really a Workaholic?

Some people really do love to pour themselves into their work, leaving very little time for anything else. Others use work as their excuse not to do things they don’t want to do. The question you need to answer for yourself is, “Do I really need to work or am I using work as an excuse?”

This May Not Seem Like a Time Management Tool — But It Is!

This tip is another one that’s important for you to wrap your head around. You need to watch what you say to yourself on a day-to-day basis. The words you say matter.

Do you allow yourself to screw up a little and say to yourself, “Hey, I’ll tackle it tomorrow even better than today!” Or do you come down hard on yourself saying, “Well, I didn’t get that done today; I’ll probably never get it done.” Do you use it as excuse to become a procrastinator?

Do you find yourself using the same, automated excuses to get out of doing anything you don’t want to do? Phrases like, “I’m busy, I’ve got too much work to do.” Or, “I’m exhausted, I’m just too tired to go.” Too busy, too tired, too exhausted, working too much — are you really? Or are you just being lazy? Maybe you just don’t want to be bothered?

You’ve heard us rave about the Five Minute Journal and you know how strongly we recommend it. If you struggle with time management, you can use a productivity journal to start writing down how you’re spending your time, so you can see exactly who the time bandits are that are keeping you from being as productive as you can be.

At the end of the day, all the time management tools in the world won’t help you if you don’t use them. If you commit to using these tools, they can help you bring focus and productivity into your life. You can set yourself up for success by making sure you’re prepared every day to use your time more wisely and more efficiently.

The post Time Management Training — Our Best Tips and Tricks appeared first on The Art of Charm.

How can you improve your social health in your current social circle? In our last post we discussed “value vampires,” those people who suck away attention from you and others. These value vampires can hold you back and bring negativity into your space. In this post we’re going to talk about how to start rebuilding a high-value social circle after you’ve dealt with those value vampires.

A lot of people struggle when it comes to meeting new people — especially with how to sort out higher quality people from lower quality people. It can be a scary thing to realize “Hey, the social circle I have isn’t conducive to encouragement and support.” You start to worry, thinking about how long it took to build this social circle and now you may need to let it go. You can have all kinds of irrational, emotional responses to it.

If you feel like you’ve been dealing with value vampires, you want to make sure you haven’t eliminated everyone in your social circle. Let’s discuss some social skills you can use to qualify the people currently included in your social circle.

How Can You Improve Your Social Health?

What are social skills? The first thing you want to do is be a leader. You’re picking up new skills and showing high-value attributes and new high-value traits. You want to use those to see if anyone in your social circle follows suit. The strong train always pulls the weaker one.

So if you’re setting the example, you should start to see people around you gravitating towards this new positive thinking attitude. If you see that your current friends start mimicking you and following your lead, you’re already rebuilding your circle into one of higher value. The ones who don’t follow your lead are going to be those value vampires we slayed last week.

Make Time for New People

Sometimes we hang onto low-value people because we don’t have any other options. We end up giving away time, our most valuable resource, to people who don’t really deserve it. It can be hard to clear out space in your circle by not answering texts or phone calls, or being too busy when lower-value friends are trying to take up all your time.

But you’ve heard this before; if you keep doing the same things over and over, how can you expect to get different results. If you keep hanging out with the same people, you’re going to keep doing the same things and getting the same results.

You have to clear off your calendar, start saying no more often, and being more judicious with your time. How can you improve your social health if you’re spending all your time with low-value people? You’ll never have time for those with higher value.

Body Language Never Lies

Start paying more attention to people’s body language. You know this is something we’re really big on at The Art of Charm. You want to start looking for high-value body language.

You want to see positivity in the form of smiling, showing enthusiasm, and being excited. Watch for open body language, like having your arms uncrossed at your sides, and having warmth in your face. A confident, high-value person is going to have that kind of open body language. These are good qualities in a friend.

We all know what a scrunched up brow looks like, and how crossed arms make you seem smaller. Those are examples of closed body language. Everyone has seen, at one time or another, the person with the scary processing face.

Sometimes we may have had that face ourselves and didn’t even realize it. It’s very intimidating and that’s why we do video work in our bootcamps. We actually videotape clients so they can see what they look like to others. Many times we’re not consciously aware of what we’re projecting out into the world.

Eye contact is also very important. High-value people make eye contact because they’re paying attention to what the other person is saying. They’re clearly listening and engaged in the conversation. It’s obvious they care about the people around them.

Low-value people will have that darting eye contact, never looking you in the eye, always looking like they’re hiding something. So watch for eye contact, check for open body language, and look for that warmth and enthusiasm. Those are all really good qualities in a friend.

Verbal Cues to Help Determine Value

If someone is high-value, you’ll see confirmation when they’re speaking to someone, a smile or a nod, showing their interest in the conversation. You’ll also hear supportive language, someone who’s trying to build people up, looking for their best attributes and celebrating people.

Lower-value people are always looking to one-up the other person, by cutting them down or making them feel small and insignificant. If you have someone in your group who is constantly shooting you down, or looking for ways to hurt you or others in the group in order to make him or herself look or feel better in front of you, be aware those are low-value behaviors. You’re going to want to limit the time you spend with those kind of people. Because you now know how to identify social skills, it will be easier for you to find the right people to draw into your circle.

You Don’t Need to Be a Judgmental A-hole

How can you improve your social health without being a jerk about it? Keep it around 80/20. Watch how they treat other people, how they treat the wait staff, the bouncers, new people you introduce them to. If 80% of the time they act like a jerk and are negative, rolling their eyes, judging people, then you can say with a fair amount of certainty that this person is low-value. You’ll want to start moving away and not spending so much time with them.

You may also want to consider looking in the mirror and determining whether or not you need to change some of your own behaviors and attitudes. It could open up new opportunities and help you surround yourself with higher quality people. None of us are perfect, and we’ve worked through all these things ourselves, so we’ve been there. We understand both sides of it and we know you can do it!

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From the “what are social skills” series: understanding value can help you spot value vampires.

Are you a value vampire? Or do you let value vampires feed on you? Before you answer that, let’s take a minute to recap the concept of value.

We usually associate value with the three “A’s:” attention, approval, and acceptance. When you offer these things to people, that gives them value. The body releases dopamine, and the person is fueled with positive feelings. It’s almost addictive.

Once you feel that rush, you start looking for it from others. It makes it easy to become a value vampire without even realizing it. That’s what we call people who go around sucking up value from others without ever offering any value in return. You give them value and you get zilch back for the investment.

We talk a lot about becoming high-value, which pretty much comes down to being the kind of person who is generous with their time, energy, and resources. Here are five things you can do to stay high-value when you’re dealing with a value vampire:

Value Vampire Killer #1 — Lead the Way

The first thing to do is to take lead. Make sure you’re managing the interaction and pointing it in the right direction. If you take the lead and show them the way, they may be able to learn to create a little more value for themselves and others by following your example.

Model being a high-value person to everyone, not just to the value vampires. Show them that being a positive, inspiring, cooperative person is a trait they should want to project to others.

If you’re able to get them to follow your lead, you’ve changed their life. They’ll feel better and will realize the reason is that they have become a more positive person. They learn they’re able to do that for themselves, and they don’t have to continue looking for it from someone else.

Value Vampire Killer #2 — Honesty

The second thing to do is be honest. You need to be frank with the person. A lot of us struggle with this when someone is sucking value from us. We get upset or frustrated, but we try to hide our feelings from them.

You also need to be honest with yourself. You need to know where your boundaries are when it comes to how much you’re willing to do for others. Don’t let them shove you over that line. Be honest and let the other person know how you feel.

Value Vampire Killer #3 — Less Time

Sometimes, leading the way and being honest doesn’t work as well as you might hope. If that happens, the third thing you can do is to simply give the person less of your time. Time is your most valuable asset. Once you spend it, you don’t get it back. So if you’re dealing with a value vampire who cannot get the message, it’s time to limit how much of your precious time you’re giving up.

Think of your time as a pie chart. You have work, hobbies, family, friends, and you only have so many hours in a day. It’s up to you to use your time management skills to determine who gets what slice of your pie. If there are not enough time slices to go around, it doesn’t make sense to give a big chunk of it to a value vampire.

You can swing back around and use Value Vampire Killer #2. Be honest with the person. Let them know you’ve got a busy week and won’t be able to fit them in. Sometimes a person continues to demand attention, approval, and acceptance from you and gives nothing in return. When leading the way and being honest hasn’t gotten the results you want, it’s time to offer less of your time.

Value Vampire Killer #4 — Dealing with Family and Coworkers

This can be a little trickier. You can’t pick your family. Most of the time, you can’t choose your coworkers. So how do you deal with value vampires in those groups? You can try the same things we mentioned earlier, positively leading the direction and being honest.

Honesty works best in family situations. Sometimes they don’t like anyone telling them to change or how to act. In these cases, your best bet may be to just set a good example and hope they’ll come around. If they don’t, just try to kill them with kindness when you have to be around each other.

We allow things to happen with family members that we wouldn’t tolerate with friends or coworkers. But when someone in the family is a value vampire, they’re not only hurting you but usually hurting other family members as well. Sometimes in these situations, you can get leverage if more than one family member or colleague is willing to start using similar approaches in handling the value vampire in your circle.

Value Vampire Killer #5 — Don’t Tolerate Emotional Manipulation

This is a value vampire’s favorite tool. They may try to make you feel guilty. Friends may say things like, “Oh, I see why you don’t want to hang out with me, you think you’re too good for me now.” They use emotional manipulation to try to make you feel bad for being high-value and having boundaries.

You may hear “I guess you’re too busy with your fabulous new life and your new friends.” They frequently have an “Eeyore”attitude: woe is me, everything is bad, and nobody loves me. When you hear those kinds of red flag phrases, recognize them as tools the value vampires use to try to make you feel bad about who you are and the things that matter to you.

You can try to let them know that it hurts you when they say those things, but often they’re in a lot of emotional pain themselves and may not be able to change their thought patterns. Sometimes you come to the realization they’re stuck in that pattern, especially if they aren’t willing to take some initiative to change.

It’s important to understand you won’t be able to change everyone. When you encounter a value vampire who insists on remaining a leech and nothing you’ve tried has helped, sometimes you have to leave them, find new friends, and just move on.

The post What Are Social Skills? A Value Vampire Has No Clue. appeared first on The Art of Charm.

We’re all adults now, so today I want to talk to you about one of the most important things you can do for yourself — take control of your life. Now is as good a time as any to learn the art of responsibility.

Here are five areas of your life you should watch to make sure you’re leaning in and taking responsibility.

First, Clean Your Room

No, really. Cleaning your room, your personal space, is the first area you should start taking responsibility for. It may sound silly, but how many of us have clothes on the floor right now? The bed’s not made, you can’t find important things, you’re losing your keys all the time. These are all signs of not being responsible.

Be honest: what goes through your mind when you visit someone for the first time and their place is a mess? Don’t you wonder why they didn’t bother to pick up?

I know when my place is not tidy and things get disorganized, I feel more stressed out. I feel disheveled, my thoughts become disorganized, and I struggle to get work done.

There are lots of studies showing a link between clutter in the space around you and negative effects on thinking, energy, sleep, and all that important stuff.

So take responsibility for the condition of your home and what your environment looks like. It has a huge impact on your ability to think clearly and be a leader.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s off to Work We Go

Even if you work from home, you’re still working with other people. It’s time to step up and take responsibility there, too. Just because you work for somebody else doesn’t mean you don’t have any to take initiative.

Maybe you’re happy to just show up, punch in, punch out, and hope nobody notices anything, good or bad. That’s not how you get ahead in this world, though. As you advance in your career, you may have to manage other people. You may need to become a leader.

You can start right now by taking the lead on that project when it’s offered. Be the first one to step up, instead of looking around the room hoping someone else raises their hand. These small actions can pay huge dividends over the course of your career.

You may even need to clean up your attitude at work. If you don’t like the people you work with, just the thought of going in and seeing them every day may irk you. That attitude, full of negative energy, will rub off on people around you, no matter how hard you try to hide it.

You may think you’re fooling them all, but people can feel contempt. Eventually, your boss will probably detect it and may even start to distrust you. Instead, look for ways you can benefit the company. Put a genuine smile on your face. Step up, be responsible, and think of ways to increase profitability or make things run more smoothly.

Pro Tip: There’s no “I” in team. If you want job security, learn how everyone’s job affects everyone else’s job. The more positions you know and understand, the more indispensable you become. You’re no longer just a cog in the machine, you’re an integral part of what keeps the machine running.

When was the last time you told a teammate or co-worker how much you appreciate the job they do or gave them praise for a job well done?

Unfortunately, most of us only voice our opinion when things go wrong. But if you let people around you know you recognize they’re doing a great job and appreciate it, they will remember you and go above and beyond again and again. Take responsibility by giving positive feedback.

Own up to Your Mistakes

Lots of people want to run from this one. They don’t want to focus on their mistakes. But we’ve all made them, and we have to own them. Trying to run from them is fruitless. Just understand there will be times when you absolutely screw up, but there are always lessons to be learned. Find the lesson, the humor, or the silver lining. Stay positive, even in the face of bad decisions or wrong choices.

Then, open up your journal and write it down. You’ll thank us when you’re 80, eating applesauce, and can’t remember your screw-ups. Remembering the events that shaped you into who you are is a good thing. Owning your past is an integral part of your overall growth and development.

Birds of a Feather

Who do you surround yourself with? Are you taking responsibility for the people you’re investing time into? Are they worth it?

Too many times we hear, “Well, I’m not really friends with them; I just work with them.” That’s not a good reason to be hanging out with them. We say this all the time: time is your most valuable resource. Why would you spend it with people who are not high-value, not supportive, and not helping you meet your goals?

You might be surprised how differently you end up doing things when you have the right people around you. It’s easier to get stuff done when you feel supported. If you have friends who are hustling, it naturally spurs you to get out there and be productive as well. Take responsibility for the people you allow into your social circle.

You Are What You Think

Do you take responsibility for your thoughts, or do you allow them to hold you back and tie you down? What kind of filter do you view the world with? Do you see everything and everyone through rose-colored glasses? Great! You should be seeing all the wonderful things in life over focusing on the negative side of everything.

So, you didn’t get the job you interviewed for. Does that mean you’ve got no talent, you’re never going to get ahead, and you’re just not worthy of anything better in life? No, it does not. But if you allow those negative thoughts to thrive, they’ll begin to shape your mood, energy, and eventually, your whole outlook on life.

Some people think they can’t control their thoughts. But if you make the conscious effort to push the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive ones, eventually the negativity dies and it becomes effortless to be positive.

Practicing this habit actually rewires your brain to start looking for positive things instead of negative ones. You can take responsibility for the thoughts you have by retraining your brain to think more positively.

Over time, as people begin to recognize that you always have something positive to add to a conversation, more people will want to hang out with you.

Pro Tip: One of the easiest ways to train your brain is to use a book we recommend constantly here at The Art of Charm. It’s called The Five-Minute Journal. Take five minutes, literally, to write down something you’re grateful for every single day.

Take responsibility in your personal space, your work space, your mistakes, your social circle, and your thoughts. Then watch as you transform into a high-value person whom people seek, want, and welcome into their lives.

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The way we like to think about building a social circle is as a social sales funnel. You may actually be in sales and are already familiar with a social sales funnel concept.

The idea of the sales funnel is essentially a three-step process: businesses will attract potential customers, qualify them to see if they’re a good fit, and ultimately sell them on the product.

Building a social circle falls into that same pattern. You go out and meet new people, figure out how to filter and find quality people, and ultimately give yourself the opportunity to connect with the relationships you want to pursue.

If you’re putting yourself out there, it’s easy to meet a lot of people. But finding out who you actually want to spend time with and who you want to bring closer into your life — that’s a whole different thing.

The Three-Step Process for Building a Successful Social Circle

Step One: Meet New People

When you’re first getting started, it can be intimidating. One of the first things you need to figure out is getting yourself into a routine that allows you to comfortably meet new people every single week.

Give yourself that opportunity to be social, so you can meet new people. It’s kind of like how you have to make time to get to the gym, or you’re just not going to go. You have to put it on your schedule. Going out and being social is just like working a muscle; it’s just a social muscle. It needs to be scheduled to keep you committed to flexing and building those social skills.

It’s very easy to kick that can all the way down the road. You move to a new town and tell yourself, “I’ll go out next week.” And the next week you tell yourself the same thing, and suddenly, you realize you haven’t been out of your apartment in weeks.

Make sure you’re building activities into your social life with some routine to them, so it gives you the chance to actually meet people and form relationships over time. Some great suggestions are things like clubs or Meetup groups.

If you go to Meetup.com, you’ll find groups for almost any topic in most major cities. If there’s not one in your city, consider starting one. You’d be amazed how many people who have been fans of our show who put themselves out there and started the first in their town. This is a really easy way to meet and connect with like-minded people.

Now’s a good time to pick up a new hobby or take a class to learn a new skill. Maybe try out a cooking class; any kind of team activity is great. Sign up for kickball or softball, or even join a bowling league.

You can also take the opportunity while you’re learning these new skills to share them with the people you meet. One of our coaches here is very politically active, and he’s met a lot of great people just through political activism. Leverage your current interests to start meeting people.

We’ve talked previously about how to walk up to people and have conversations, but the important thing to have in your back pocket is the invite.

Step Two: Invite

The first step is meeting new people, and the second step is inviting them to do something. Consider hosting an event, so when you’re going out and meeting people with a purpose, you can invite them to your event. That invite becomes the key, because it’s going to amplify everything you’re doing.

You’re going to have an opportunity to host people, whether it’s at your place or an outside venue. When you host an event in someone else’s venue, the people are not in your living room and you don’t have to clean up after them. I’m in a band, so I invite people to come see me on stage. We’ve hosted weekend pool parties, had NFL Sunday tickets, and hosted football-watching parties.

If you don’t plan and hold your own events, you’re likely to fall into the trap of constantly wondering, “What should I do next? How do I actually get them interested?” It’s kind of like dating. How many days do you wait to text them? If you’re interested in the person, maybe your next move is finding them on social media.

That may get the ball rolling, but sooooo slowly! Hosting an event is a much more direct way to bring people into your life. The most important part about hosting is that it should showcase your personality. For people to genuinely connect with you, they need to feel comfortable and you need to feel comfortable, so choose something in which you’re interested that you’re confident enough to pursue.

We’ve had guys host ultimate frisbee on a college campus, poker nights with entrepreneurs, and invite people on hikes. There are a lot of trails in L.A., and if you take Bootcamp with us, you’ll get a chance to check some out. Hiking is a great way for you to see the sights and really get a chance to know someone.

There are a lot of different things you can do, but the idea is that you want an event where you are the host. That way, you’re the one controlling the list and the reason everyone’s there.

This tactic has a very powerful impact on your social standing. People will be like, “Wow, you know a lot of people, you throw such great events!” Eventually, you’ll begin to see reciprocity. “I went to your event; I’d love to invite you to this cool event.” That’s what we mean by amplifying your social currency.

Try hosting one event each month. You can make it something simple, like Taco Tuesday at your place the second Tuesday of every month. Grab your friends, bring the tequila, and suddenly you’re making tacos together and having a great time.

Pro Tip: Give the people you invite the opportunity to bring a plus one. This allows them to bring one other person, which helps to extend your social circle. Invite friends you know will show up, then invite some new people and let them bring a friend. Now everyone’s having fun on your watch. This also gives you the chance to see how different people interact, whether they are friendly and outgoing, shy and soft-spoken, difficult, or easy-going, and decide if this is the kind of person you want to hang out with again or not.

Step Three: Connect

The connecting step is a little energy intensive, so you can’t do that with everyone, especially people who offer low value. Watching how people interact at your event, you should be able to filter out the riffraff, so to speak — the people who aren’t a good fit for your life.

If they came to your event and they don’t like football, but you love football and it’s a big part of your personality, you shouldn’t change. You need to look for people who resonate with you and share your same interests.

Now other people will be sending you invites to make a stronger connection with people you’re interested in knowing. Invite them to grab dinner and have a more one-on-one conversation to get to know them better.

It’s in this final step that you can start to share your story. That’s when you talk about who you are, what your values are, and what drives you. Do this with quality people who came to your event, interacted well, and took the time to post a thank you or showed in other ways that they would probably add value to your life.

You would be amazed at how many people are looking for that invite for an opportunity to connect. A lot of people don’t have a clue about how to plan their social life — they’re just looking for the next event and trying to find a friendship. Making friends as adults can be hard for everyone.

If you come armed and ready when you go out to meet people with an event they can look forward to, you’re going to make an impact. They’re going to remember you and you’re setting yourself up for success by building a high-quality, ever-expanding social circle around you.

The post The Three-Step Process for Building a Successful Social Circle appeared first on The Art of Charm.