“Gotta go,” I blurted to my friend, and ended the call. It was a little brusque, but I knew she’d understand later.

“Excuse me,” I called out, loudly enough to grab her attention but gently enough to not come across as some aggro dude hollering at her on the sidewalk. She stopped and turned her head.

“Hey,” I offered. “Sorry to bother you, but did you tell a story at John’s dinner party a few nights back about being on the boat ride from hell?”

I couldn’t stop thinking about Chelsea’s story since that night. It was funny and embarrassing and awesome. She had stood up at John’s event and told us about this time she got trapped on a yacht with food poisoning, which was gross and bold and hilarious at the same time. Along the way, she sprinkled in a few details about her work projects, which were so enviable they basically made me want to be a male version of her. I’m not going to lie: She was kind of intimidating.

“Yeah, I did,” she said. She was facing me now, but glancing back to the restaurant down the block. Clearly on her way to meet someone.

“I just wanted to tell you how much I loved it. John and I work together. A bunch of us sat around talking about that story for a while after you left. Too funny.”

“Oh. Wow. That’s so sweet. Thank you for telling me that,” she smiled.

“Of course. I have to run, but I’m really glad I saw you. You going to John’s thing next month?”

“Actually, no. I live in New York.”

Bummer. So this was it.

“Well, have a great trip back and I hope we cross paths again some day. I need to hear some more Chelsea stories.”

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Gavin.”

“I’m Chelsea.”

We shake hands. And then we part ways.

When I go home, I find Chelsea on Facebook and send her a quick message. “I’m the guy who ran into you on Fountain today. Very cool to see you again.” I don’t send her a friend request. I just take her back to that moment.

A few days later, she responds.

And then she adds me on Facebook.

And now we’re friends.

—

This little anecdote seemed so mundane, so random, that at first I didn’t even think about sharing it with you guys. But since that night, I’ve developed a really cool friendship with Chelsea, and I realized that more went into making that interaction a success than I consciously realized. To me, small moments like this capture the spirit of what we teach at The Art of Charm.

Because what we’re sharing here is about so much more than just the art of approaching. It’s really a philosophy of grabbing life as it happens and making it work to our advantage, in a fun, playful, meaningful way, often against the odds. It’s a process of rewiring our own beliefs about what’s possible, and rewriting social situations to capitalize on those beliefs.

Like getting over the idea that you can’t approach a stranger on the street, and reorienting that moment to make a new friend.

Which is exactly what happened with Chelsea.

In that split-second moment, I confronted two totally different choices: Continue my phone call and let her walk by, or simply stop and say, “Hey.”

My first instinct was to just continue my call. It would have been much easier to keep moving along and not break the pattern. Like most people, that’s my default setting.

But in taking the chance—that’s where the magic happens. So I did.

We can’t plan for those moments. They come to us. It’s our job to be ready for them, and to do the best we can.

“As Estha stirred the thick jam he thought Two Thoughts and the Two Thoughts he thought were these: a) Anything can happen to anyone. and b) It is best to be prepared.”

— Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

—

So if we had to break it down, what happened on that sidewalk?

Well, I don’t think we can reduce the magic of a spontaneous conversation to a set of stringent principles. That’s not really the point. But there was definitely a logic and a science to that exchange, so let’s isolate some of the principles that helped make the most of that moment.

As far as I can tell, here’s what went down.

First, the world brought us together. Most good things happen that way. I could never have orchestrated that scenario. The world did it for me. It’s important to notice when the world does that. The biggest part of taking a chance is recognizing when one has been given to you.

And yet, if you know anything about the art of approaching, you know that the dynamics were completely against me. She was walking the opposite direction, already late to meet someone. She didn’t know who I was. I was on the phone. None of this was conducive to striking up a conversation. In fact, a lot of experts would say to never approach someone under these conditions. The hurdles are just too great.

But something told me it was possible. And that’s part of the equation too: using your instinct. In this case, my instinct told me to go for it.

That was my experience. But what about hers? I knew a decent amount about this woman already, but she didn’t know me at all. As far as she’s concerned, I’m just some guy on the street. I had to call that out.

“Excuse me—hey—sorry to bother you, but…”

And that’s how I let her adjust to me before I jumped in. That’s a crucial step: to acknowledge the other person’s experience of you. It seems silly, but you have to let people know you’re not a psycho. Especially in a city like Los Angeles.

But that’s not enough. I couldn’t just not be weird. I had to also not be a total stranger. What did we have in common?

The dinner party. John. Her story.

More than enough.

So I told her where I saw her. I mentioned John. I complimented her story.

By sharing those things, we already knew each other. We just hadn’t met.

The compliment on her story, by the way, was real. It had to be. Smart people can smell falsity from a mile away. Authenticity is essential. If I hated her story, I wouldn’t have given the compliment. That’s important, too: Committing to honesty.

That’s when she asked me for my name. Interesting. That speaks volumes: You’re all right. You’re cool. I’d like to know you too. It signals a kindness and a curiosity that tell me we’re on the same frequency now. We’re both interested in talking to each other.

But even then—even after all that good stuff—it still could have been just a nice moment on the sidewalk. She might have gotten on the plane to New York thinking, “Hey, that was really nice.”

Which is great. If our conversation had ended there, that would have been superb. We deserve to be recognized. Sometimes a conversation is worthwhile for its own sake.

But these days, moments don’t have to end. With the right etiquette, Facebook is our best friend. That’s the glue that turned our conversation into a friendship.

—

In summary, here’s what I took away from my sidewalk exchange. Maybe it’ll come in handy the next time you want to walk up to an interesting stranger.

1. Listen to the universe when it serves you up an opportunity. Really listen. It usually means you should take it. At the very least, you’ll learn something about yourself.
2. Recognize that relationships are actually being built before and after you physically meet someone. There were three steps to meeting Chelsea: The dinner party, the moment on the sidewalk, and Facebook. All three were necessary.
3. Don’t be afraid to break social norms in a polite and respectful way. Worst-case scenario: You come across as a little random. Best-case scenario: You put yourself in a situation in which you can shine.
4. Textbook theory says not to approach people when the odds are against you. It’s definitely harder, but certainly not impossible. Done right, it can actually work even better. It requires confidence and self-awareness to take that risk. That’s the true art of approaching.
5. Establish common ground as soon as possible. Jump over the barriers. Don’t feel the need to overly ingratiate yourself, but take a moment to signal that you’re part of the same tribe. On some deep evolutionary level, people need to know you’re cool. It helps if you are already somehow connected, but “tribes” can be built around humor, kindness, interests, and even a distinct lack of creepiness.
6. Only pay real compliments. Commit to never giving false ones. Anything else is hollow or manipulative.
7. Pay attention to body language and conversational cues. The most interesting things go unsaid.
8. Finally, follow up. That is all. It’s the easiest part of an exchange, and yet most people fail to do it.

Because a great moment doesn’t have to end. It can actually be the beginning of something spectacular.

And it all begins with taking a chance.

For more on the art of approaching, be sure to explore our blog and subscribe to The Art of Charm Podcast.

The post Meeting Chelsea: How I Approached One of My Heroes on the Street appeared first on The Art of Charm.

It’s an incredibly powerful moment to self-reflect, recalibrate and set a plan for the year ahead.

And it’s also completely arbitrary.

We’re not going to talk about how to make New Year resolutions, because it’s all in vain. As much as we like to celebrate new beginnings here at The Art of Charm, there’s definitely something strange about building your transformation around this one random day in the year.

Which is not to say that it isn’t useful. Any opportunity to self-reflect and improve is excellent and should be welcomed. But the tradition of looking at yourself, setting goals and planning for a better future on this one culturally defined holiday? That’s totally arbitrary.

And it often leads to some bad thinking.

Like the idea that something magical happens on New Year’s Day.

That starting January 2, all the right behaviors, thoughts and decisions will suddenly kick in, and everything will start getting better, and all those patterns and instincts from the year before will fade away, because that was last year.

When in reality, no new behaviors emerge, fully formed, as if they’ve been waiting for this one holiday to come out. No new goals develop, as if you just needed a fresh start to see them clearly. Your friends won’t change, your job won’t change, your apartment won’t change, because none of these things are waiting for the New Year.

What they’re really waiting for is you. And you don’t need to wait for a holiday to make these changes come to life.

So if the New Year is a random convention, and it doesn’t generate any magical results in its own, then it’s not really the holiday that makes us better, but what we do with the holiday.

Which means that any day can be our own personal New Year. Today is a new year. Tomorrow is a new year. Each day marks the first day of a new 365-day cycle.

And every one of those days can be as transformative as January 1, if we choose to see it for the new beginning that it is. Let’s not confuse the date for the event.

Because fresh starts aren’t hard to come by. They’re everywhere. The moment you decouple your self-improvement from a particular holiday, every day is a holiday. Every day is your holiday.

And your transformation can begin on any one of those days. So if you’re wondering how to make New Year resolutions, the time to get it done is right now.

But if something’s going to change in your life, it’s going to change because you’ve stopped on that day and asked: Who do I want to be?

Otherwise, the New Year has a peculiar way of messing with our minds.

The seductive logic of a New Year is that anything you do leading up that day will be forgiven, because you’ll be better in the new year. And everything you do after the new year will make up for what you did last year.

That’s why people drink, eat and party more during the holidays. That’s why they take their foot of the pedal at work, and spend more money at bars, and drop into a Netflix binge when they should be sending out job applications. Because all will be forgiven after the holiday.

In other words, the New Year turns us into two different people.

One of those people is “bad,” and the other is “good.”

The bad one is in the past, and the good one is in the future.

And in between them is you, trying to shake off the “bad” person you still are, knowing you should already be the “good” person you want to become.

And basically you’re still the same person, only projected backwards in the past (I really should have been hitting the gym this whole time) and forwards in the future (Starting next year I’ll be a machine).

That mentality—of being simultaneously in the past and in the future, and so totally absent in the present—is the syndrome that keeps us stuck where we are. It pretty much captures the human condition, and it’s what many of our students finally confront when they finally decide to do something about it.

That’s the mindset that keeps us locked in our existing patterns, that tells us we probably need help to become extraordinary, but that we can put it off till next week, next month, next year.

Next year comes, and the script is the same: more frustration about the past, more wishing for the future. It’s the place most people who don’t do something about it tend to stay, split into two people and never getting where they want to go.

And when you think of it that way, you can see why a holiday like the New Year would be so attractive to us.

It’s a rationalization for the worst kind of behavior, and yet another reason to beat ourselves up when that behavior doesn’t change.

It’s a device to keep us minimally motivated, but generally uncommitted to results.

It’s a socially acceptable point in time to locate your transformation, but without the plan and accountability to actually fulfill it.

And it lines up our self-improvement schedule with the rest of society’s (“So what are your New Year’s resolutions?”), which probably gratifies some tribal instinct in us, but in this day and age only makes us as noncommittal as the next guy.

To borrow an old but very wise saying, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

And that day will always be today. And tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that.

In other words, it’s always “January 1.”

Which means that every single day you have the opportunity to become the person you want to be.

Which also means that if today wasn’t that day, no problem. You always have tomorrow.

Tomorrow, which is just as perfect a day to begin as today.

But wait, you’re probably thinking. Didn’t you just say that we need to stop putting things off? That we need to stop living in the future? Isn’t that the same problem as waiting until the New Year to become better?

Is it? Great! Then you’ve confronted the illusion that tomorrow will be a better time to start than today. Nicely done. Today is your day.

As T.S. Eliot wrote:

What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make and end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.

But if you find yourself putting off your goals for another day, then you’ve got another chance tomorrow. That’s perfectly fine—in fact, it’s great. Forgive yourself for yesterday. Celebrate today. You’ve broken the syndrome of waiting until next year. That’s how to make a New Year resolution.

Because as much as I push my students to be better, faster, stronger, I truly believe that beating yourself up is just as unhelpful as waiting until the future to get better.

If you think about it, those two behaviors—beating yourself up for the past while projecting your ideal self into the future—are just two sides of the same coin, which is inaction. They both give you something to do (blame or fantasize) instead of just getting better.

In other words, they’re both equally compelling ways to avoid the fact that today is your new year.

For some people, this can go on for years. For others, it goes on forever.

But if you’re reading this, and seeing for the first time how seductive the past/future, blame/fantasize syndrome can be, and feeling like you want to break that pattern, and say this is my day, and maybe it’s time to do something about it—

Then congratulations.

You’re celebrating the new year.

Which is today, and will always be today.

The post Every Day is a New Year appeared first on The Art of Charm.

What we’re really after is results — the satisfaction of accomplishing things that we haven’t accomplished before. And the only way to do that is by moving past the mentality of traditional resolutions. In fact, let’s dispense with the idea of “resolving” to do anything at all. Instead, let’s just get down to doing them!

To help you get started, here are five of the best New Year’s resolutions that will make 2015 the best year of your life. They’re not the only resolutions you should set, of course — you should create a list that really speaks to you — but they are five common and powerful resolutions that we’ve focused on in our own lives, with spectacular results.

Then, at the end of this article, we have a little holiday present for you: An exclusive e-book, free of charge, to supercharge your New Year’s resolutions this year.

The e-book expands on the principles in this piece and teaches you specific ways to turn your traditional resolutions into achievable realities.

So enjoy five of the best New Year’s resolutions for 2015, presented by The Art of Charm.

New Year’s Resolution 1: Invest in Others

It probably seems strange to kick off your resolutions with other people, but one of the most valuable commitments you can make is to set aside time to focus on other people this year.

Why? For two main reasons.

First, it is the most powerful way to grow your network.

Being the person who helps — as opposed to the person who just asks for help — puts you in a different category as a contact. In a new relationship, investing in the other person immediately moves you beyond handshakes and business cards (the bane of all networking) and toward a real relationship. It also just works: People can easily turn down a coffee date or a phone call, but they’ll rarely turn down a genuine offer to help.

As for the people you already know — your existing network — investing in them will deepen the trust, rapport, and empathy at the core of those relationships. Taking an interest in the people you know will open up possibilities, projects and experiences you never imagined.

Second, investing in others will also teach you a ton about yourself.

Finding out what other people need in life is a great way to discover what can can uniquely provide — in the form of advice, expertise, introductions or resources. By offering to be of service, we end up discovering what we can actually serve to offer.

(In fact, that’s exactly how The Art of Charm got started! Without thinking much about it, we offered our podcast to people all over the world — and still do, free of charge — only to discover that sharing our special brand of self-improvement was exactly what we were meant to do. We’ve built a thriving business and an incredible lifestyle around that simple act of giving. Funny how that works, right?)

Beyond that, sit back and watch your relationships become more significant and profitable. Customers will stick around for longer. Bosses will become mentors. Employees will become friends. Suddenly — and we’ve seen this happen first-hand — your relationships will begin paying dividends. As you help your friends, they will help you, and that is one of the most practical ways to enjoy a life of support and abundance.

Simply put, part of every man’s job is to make the people around him successful. That includes the people you want to meet this year and the people you already know.

New Year’s Resolution 2: Get in Shape

This one makes every New Year’s list, and for good reason. Being fit is so important to physical and mental health that it’s almost impossible to succeed in life without it.

Chances are, you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to run 10 miles a week or hit the gym or finally use that Crossfit membership this year. Inevitably, come March, that seems like a cute idea.

So let’s try something different this year.

Let’s forget about the external metrics that we usually rely on: I want to benchpress 225, I want to deadlift 135, I want to be able to run a marathon by August.

Instead, let’s rephrase this one as: I’m going to feel healthy and strong every day this year.

Now that’s something you can accomplish.

Are we saying that fitness goals are useless? Definitely not. If you want to bench 225, go for it! That might help you make the most of your workouts.

What we are saying is that you could fail to bench 225, even if you hit the gym regularly. But it’s a lot harder to fail at feeling healthy and strong by showing up every day, which is the real goal here. When it comes to achieving this resolution, it’s the actual accomplishment that what we want to focus on.

Then, combine this resolution with the previous one — investing in others — by making your workouts a social experience.

Does your business partner need to hit the gym too? Is one of your favorite authors an avid yogi? If so, invite them into your workout (or join them for theirs), and turn that workout into a social commitment.

We guarantee you’ll have a much higher chance of achieving this resolution by approaching fitness in this way. Make it doable, make it personal and make it social, and you’ll find yourself staying on track the entire year.

New Year’s Resolution 3: Educate and Invest in Yourself

For those of us who have already finished college or grad school, education can seem like something we (thankfully!) moved past a long time ago.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Education isn’t an accomplishment; it’s a process. That’s how we teach our bootcamps, and that’s how we approach our own lives. In fact, we recently explored that exact topic on the podcast with maverick writer James Altucher, who champions a radical form of ongoing self-education.

Because in the new economy, in a world that is evolving more and more quickly, we need to invest in ourselves continually. If we don’t happen to work in a dynamic position that forces us to self-educate along the way — like being a programmer, for instance — then it’s really on us to make sure we stay sharp. Identify the skills you’d like to have, then write down the specific ways you can acquire them.

Are these skills you can develop through your existing job? Map out what you would have to do at work to step up and develop those skills at the office. A great deal of what we want to learn is right under our noses.

If you’ve identified skills that you’ll need a class or a mentor to develop, great! It’s never been easier to get the training you need. If you want to learn how to code, for example, find the best places to learn those skills — whether it’s Codecademy or the hacker who hangs out at your local Starbucks. The internet is an embarrassment of riches for self-education. Take a moment and track down the places and people you need to get to the next level.

Then, along the way, identify key milestones for your education. Celebrate your accomplishments along the way. Reward yourself in fun, basic ways for your progress. That way, you won’t lose sight of the fact that you’re actually accomplishing your goal throughout the year.

New Year’s Resolution 4: Save Money and Manage Debt

Saving money and managing debt is one of the most popular New Year’s resolutions. It’s also one of the most difficult to achieve.

Before we get into how to make that happen, we have to talk about one of the most interesting discoveries about the psychology of saving. As it turns out, how well we manage to save is directly related to how much control and power we feel over our finances.

So let’s start there.

Rather than list a vague goal like “save more” and “pay down debt,” let’s get specific. How much can you practically save each month? How much debt would you like to reasonably pay down? Build that into your resolution, and write it down.

Already, you’ve taken a greater degree of control over your finances. You’ve turned your goal into a concrete number to reach.

Now, find a way to remain engaged with your goal throughout the year.

Start by taking a moment to write down the benefits of meeting your goal. Will saving $5,000 this year allow you to go on vacation? Invest in a new class? Will paying down your debt allow you to improve your credit score? Renegotiate your credit card? Apply for a loan?

Next, turn your number into a monthly target that you can track. If you see yourself hitting your goal month after month, the rush of accomplishment will keep you on track to deliver. If you miss a month, you’ll know why and by how much. Come August, you’ll be just as engaged with your resolution as you were in January.

These are both important (and fun!) exercises, because they turn your goal from a general wish into a tangible benefit. Month to month, you won’t just be chasing dollars and cents, but working your way toward a great trip or your future house. This isn’t just a fun fantasy — this is a real reason to pursue your goal, and stick with it throughout the year.

New Year’s Resolution 5: Create More Experiences

Our final life-changing New Year’s resolution is to focus on creating new experiences for yourself and for other people in your life.

By experiences, we mean moments that create happiness, productivity and change. You can contrast them with things, which are usually physical and transactional (like buying a new car or moving to a bigger apartment).

Why is this one of the best New Year’s resolutions?

Because research shows that experiences make us happier than things. Great entrepreneurs, writers and leaders have understood this for a long time. Everything from life-changing trips to memorable concerts to presidential elections can be appreciated as dynamic experiences rather than static things. The significance of those moments lasts so much longer than the events themselves.

So this year, look for the opportunities to turn your “things” into experiences. Once you do, everything will take on a new possibility and significance.

Your typical birthday party at a nightclub might become an evening of food, conversation and toasts with great friends you’ll never forget.

Your trip to Spain might become a six-month adventure of learning Spanish before you go, so you can experience the country like a local.

Maybe your engagement proposal will get a lot more exciting.

Or perhaps you’re thinking of something small but meaningful, like inviting your employees to your favorite restaurant instead of giving them their performance reviews in the office.

You get the idea. The possibilities are endless. These don’t have to be big experiences, they just have to rise above the level of being things. And once they do, your life will take on a whole new meaning.

There you have it — five New Year’s resolutions that will change your life in 2015. If you invest in others while you invest in yourself, focus on getting shape while you manage your finances, and continually create experiences for yourself and the people around you, we guarantee you’ll be stepping up in your life in a major way.

At this point, you might be thinking: That sounds great, but how do I actually, you know, make that happen?

And if you are, you are right on track, my friend.

Because as we said, it’s not the resolutions that make us fulfilled, it’s the results. The best New Year’s resolutions aren’t just what you want to do this year, but how.

The post New Year’s Resolutions to Make 2015 The Best Year of Your Life appeared first on The Art of Charm.

And yet nothing can create more happiness—and bring you closer to the girl in your life—than the perfect gift, given in the perfect way.

So how do you go about finding the best Christmas gifts for her? And how are you supposed to know what she really wants?

That’s what our ultimate holiday gift guide is here to answer, based on our own extensive experience and the latest research on the psychology of giving.

Because at the end of the day, finding a girl the perfect present can be a fun, stress-free and meaningful experience for both of you. It just requires a new way of thinking about presents and the people we’re giving them to.

So here you go: Our ultimate holiday gift guide, with all of the best Christmas gifts for her, presented by The Art of Charm.

1. A unique holiday experience

Before we get into actual gift ideas, we have to touch on one of the most fascinating discoveries about gift giving: that experiences make us happier than things.

During the holidays, we often get caught up in what to buy and how much to spend on it. Anyone who’s bought a gift for a girl has agonized over those two things, probably while scanning price tags on sweaters at The Gap.

Meanwhile, the research shows that something as simple as taking a girl on a special hike or giving her a used copy of your favorite book can create way more happiness than that $80 turtleneck. And yet guys always seem to go straight to Westfield every holiday season, hoping a physical gift will do the trick.

The research also shows that waiting for experiences tends to be more positive than waiting for possessions.

Which is a really cool pro-tip: Giving a girl a heads-up a couple weeks in advance that you have something special planned for the holiday is actually proven to heighten her experience, while giving her a heads-up that you’ll be handing her a present can actually diminish it.

Bottom line: Women are wired to enjoy what researchers call experiential purchases.

Does that mean you should replace all gifts with experiences? Maybe. They can easily have a stronger impact than material things. Taking in a Vance Joy concert or sharing a bottle of Malbec will always make her happier than buying her DVDs and a scarf—and not just because they’re more expensive.

But the real takeaway here is that material gifts are only part of the equation of great gift giving. Creating an experience through your gift is where the magic happens. It’s that experience that adds meaning and permanence to the physical thing.

So how do you do that?

By imagining when and why she’d use your gift—and how you can participate in that moment.

Handing your girl a new Jade yoga mat and then whisking her to a kick-ass yoga class, for example, will create much more happiness than just handing her a mat you grabbed from eBay. Similarly, buying two tickets to her favorite band’s concert and then making a surprise evening out of it means so much more than buying her the concert DVD.

You get the picture; the options are infinite. Beyond the actual gift, the key is to create an experience—and therefore a meaningful memory—of doing something special together.

2. An (actually!) enjoyable holiday dinner

Let’s be honest: The holidays are a pretty stressful time for most of us.

Sadly—since Christmas and the New Year should be a time for fun, celebration and relaxation—the holidays have been shown to actually increase our stress levels pretty dramatically.

Between the mad rush to buy gifts, the family drama at the dinner table, and the inevitable disappointment when the whole ordeal is over, it makes sense that most people would rather do nothing at all.

Which creates an awesome gift opportunity.

Given the way the holidays usually go down, how much would your girl appreciate a fun, stress-free holiday dinner? What would that look like?

Maybe it’s a friends-only holiday meal (like more and more people are doing with Friendsgiving). Or maybe it’s an intimate, one-on-one dinner. Or maybe, if you guys are close enough, it’s accompanying her to her family Christmas dinner, and being the friend slash moral support slash parental drama-shield that night.

Either way, you’re instantly creating a more enjoyable holiday—and building on the value of experience over presents.

3. A naughty gift

A little cliché, right? Sometimes. But there’s a way to make this one really stand out.

The key to the naughty present—whether it’s lingerie, a sexy book or something for the bedroom—is to make sure that it’s appropriate for your relationship and something she’ll definitely enjoy on her own. If it also creates an experience you can share together (like a private runway show or a new experience in bed), even better.

You have to make sure your gift lives up to those criteria, or it can seriously misfire. If you’ve been seeing your girl for a few weeks, for example, buying her lingerie might be too intimate too soon. At the same time, if you’ve been seeing her for a few months, and you know that see-through teddy you’re eyeing is something she’d never wear, then skip it.

Why? Because there’s nothing creepier for a girl—or more disappointing and alienating—than receiving something that just isn’t something she’d use. (Even worse: buying something that feels like it’s more for you than for her.) Especially if it’s meant as a shortcut to intimacy or a way to accelerate the relationship—no physical gift should ever be a replacement for actual attraction. But if it’s something she’d actually enjoy without you, then you’re onto something good.

As it turns out, the science here is also super interesting. Researchers have found that the satisfaction of receiving a gift she’d actually use is much greater—for both the giver and the receiver—than one that’s not as useful. In fact, studies show that she’ll tend to appreciate desired gifts more than unrequested ones, even if they are thoughtful.

That only multiplies for naughty gifts. Done well, they really can create happiness and intimacy. Done poorly, however, they can compromise the relationship pretty quickly.

Since we don’t want you to fall into that common mistake, here are a few insights.

Guys are usually terrible at this kind of gift. It’s always a last-minute rush to the mall and an awkward conversation with a salesperson at Victoria’s Secret. Use what you know about your girl to buy something you know she’d like, and never something you hope she’d like. Give it thought, and don’t phone it in.

If it’s something you can both enjoy together, even better. But it must be, first and foremost, a great gift for her.

It definitely helps to bounce ideas off of your female friends. They’re a wealth of knowledge about this stuff, and have received all sorts of gifts, good and bad. Use them as a sounding board, but don’t mistake their preferences for hers.

This year, a few of the hottest holiday items include elegant eye masks, exciting wearable tech, and made-for-travel fun. Rather than checking the box with these recommendations, use them as general inspiration to tailor a great gift to your girl.

Finally—and most holiday gift guides won’t tell you this, but we will—do not feel pressured to buy a naughty gift. It’s easy to feel like you have to during the holiday season, but nothing could be further from the truth. There’s no obligation to be overtly sexy, and there’s no cost to choosing a different gift. A meaningful present is far more important than a naughty one.

Of course, if you can do both, then you’re on the right track!

4. The only gift card that works

When we were kids, cash was always more exciting than presents, right? But as adults, receiving cash just feels lazy, impersonal, or straight-up guilt-inducing, especially if she ends up using it to, say, pay the electric bill instead of buying herself a gift. (Although working lights is a pretty solid gift, it’s not too romantic.)

Gift cards are a great alternative, though. They give you the flexibility of cash, but allow you to invest meaning and thought at the same time—if you do them right.

The trick here is to pick a gift card that speaks to her uniquely. And then, once again, to turn it into an experience.

Let’s say your girl loves The Beatles and Taylor Swift, and she doesn’t have any of their music on her iPod. Giving her an iTunes gift card would be a pretty solid present. If she happens to be a huge book nerd, then an Amazon gift card is like hitting the lottery. Luckily, there are gift cards from all sorts of vendors, and many are available at your local CVS or Duane Reade.

You’ll then want to create an awesome experience around the gift. Give her the iTunes gift card, then book an evening to listen to the White Album and 1989 together. Or reverse the order: Book a fun road trip with your girl, then hand her the Amazon gift card a few days before, so she can download some new audiobooks for you guys to listen to together in the car.

Either way, plan the experience around the same time that you give the gift, so that the physical gift becomes a fun invitation to a much more intimate experience down the road. That shared moment gives meaning to the gift card—which is otherwise a pretty generic gift—and lasts far longer than whatever she decides to purchase with it.

5. Work gifts that speak to her

Most of us spend the majority of our time at work or thinking about work. And that time is rarely fun—in fact, no matter what the job is, it’s usually pretty stressful. Which makes work a great place to brainstorm gifts that will make her professional life that much more enjoyable.

It’s hard to go wrong here, since most work-related gifts are immediately useful. If she’s on the road a lot, she’d probably love a new travel tote. If she works in a loud office, a new pair of Bose headsets. Even something as basic as a nice pen, an iPad case or a Spotify subscription can be great, since she’ll be sure to use it every day.

But beyond making her job better, the best Christmas gifts for her are the ones that make her better.

Does she need to get smart on business operations for her new restaurant gig? Buy her the best small business management book you can find, and offer to go through it together. Does she need to start following current events for her new analyst job? A subscription to The Economist will set her apart from her colleagues. Is she an illustrator? Opt for a nice pen and sketch pad.

This kind of gift gets really fun when you consider where she wants to be, and not just where she is right now. Buying a copy of Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential for an aspiring chef could give her the inspiration to chase her dream of owning a restaurant. Similarly, offering to pay for her first design class can help her invest in the skills she needs to break out of her entry-level merchandising gig.

These are just examples, of course. Every girl is different, but every girl has career ambitions that could be served by a thoughtful gift from you.

Again, the key here is to make sure that these are gifts she actually wants, and not just gifts you wish she’d want. Always make sure that a work gift is in fact welcome, and not just something you’re projecting onto her. Just like a naughty gift, she should enjoy this one on her own.

In the process, we as men get to share in the happiness too. Researchers have found that spending money on other people actually makes us happier than spending it on ourselves. If you’re close with a girl, a great work gift can bring new joy and connection to your relationship.

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And that’s our ultimate gift guide—a handy way to choose gifts that are useful, meaningful, affordable and personal all at the same time.

So stop obsessing over finding the best Christmas gifts for her. Done right, gift giving doesn’t have to be the stressful, superficial chore that it’s become. With a little thought, you can be spreading happiness and success through basic experiences that last a lifetime.

So have fun with your gift giving, and happy holidays!

The post Picking Out a Christmas Gift She’ll Love appeared first on The Art of Charm.