Overcoming Shyness with Women

Overcoming shyness with women may seem like an impossible task.  But with the right practices and a bit of effort any guy can overcome shyness and become more confident with women.  If you’re looking to make such a transformation yourself, here are a few exercises that will help you speed the process along.

Approaching women with confidence

Shyness often results from a lack experience with women.  Think about it, if you had thousands of approaches under your belt would you still feel shy meeting women?  Of course not.  So what you want to do is get as much experience approaching women as possible.

If you want to build experience rapidly and smash that shyness to pieces, here’s an effective way to do it: Find a place that has a lot of attractive women -a bar, club, mall, park, busy street corner – anywhere.  Once you’re there, don’t leave until you’ve approached 50 women.  To make it easier, plant yourself in a high-traffic area (if you’re at a mall, try the bottom of an escalator) and let women come to you.  As they come by take a deep breath, look them right in the eye, smile, and say “Hi, you’re cut, want to go get a drink/coffee?”

You’ll likely wind up with a few dates from this exercise, but that’s not the point.  The point is to get that experience of approaching attractive women and showing your interest.  This experience will shatter that crippling fear and anxiety you once felt when approaching women.

Get consistent

To overcome shyness and make that newfound confidence stick, it’s important to get consistent.  Make an effort to practice meeting women on a regular basis.  Approach 2-3 women every day and engage in some light, playful banter.  If banter feels too intimidating at first, then start with something easier.  Begin by just making strong eye contact with women.  Give the girl a warm smile and hold eye contact long enough to determine the color of her eyes.  Once you’re comfortable with eye contact, go a step further.  Say “Hi”, give the girl a compliment, or casually comment on something going on in the environment.  Keep raising the bar and eventually you’ll be able to approach women and have fun, flirty conversations without even thinking about it.

Get help

Overcoming shyness on your own is hard.  You’re far more likely to make progress (and you’ll have a lot more fun) if you recruit some friends to support you on your journey.  Even if your friends aren’t looking to overcome shyness there’s no doubt some area in their life they’d like to improve.  Look to push and support them in reaching their own goals, and ask them to do the same for you.

It’s not about the outcome

A key part of overcoming shyness with women is not caring about the outcome of your interactions.  Don’t worry about whether or not the girl you approach likes you.  Just look to enjoy yourself while having fun, flirty conversations and with the girls you meet.

Of course, not caring about the outcome of your interactions with women is often easier said than done.  In order to get this attitude more deeply ingrained in your psyche, here’s a simple exercise that will help:  Next time you go out give your friend $40.  Tell him you will approach any woman or group of women he points out to you.  Every time you follow through and make the approach have him give you $5 back.  Do this until you’ve regained all your money.  Anytime you  chicken out, he gets to keep $5.

The point of this exercise is to get you in the habit of approaching women while not caring what they think of you.  You won’t have all that worry because the main reason you’re approaching these women is to get your money back.

Stay positive

When you’re pushing your comfort-zone like this it can be really easy to get down on yourself.  You may start telling yourself you’re a failure and that you’ll “never get it”.  So if you’re doing the exercises mentioned above it’s crucial that you simultaneously work on building a positive attitude.

Start a journal and keep track of the progress you’re making.  Each day write down the thoughts/feelings you have about what’s going on.  As you do this, make a point to write down 3 things that you did well in your approaches.  Give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate the small victories.  This will keep you energized and motivated to continue moving forward on your journey to overcome shyness.

Take women off the pedestal

Shy guys have a tendency of putting attractive women up on a pedestal.  They see them as flawless and imagine their lives must be perfect.  Thoughts like these just add to the fear and anxiety of meeting women.  They also piss women off, because they’re simply not true.

Attractive women are just as flawed as everyone else.  They have their own insecurities, fears, and problems to deal with.  Guys sometimes forget this, so it can be good to remind yourself of this basic truth from to time.  When you see an attractive girl try to see her for who she really is.  Ask yourself, what was she like as a kid?  What obstacles has she had to overcome?  What problems could she be struggling with right now?

Start to see these women for the flawed humans that they are.  You may notice yourself feeling more empathetic and compassion towards them as a result.  Once those feelings start to arise there won’t be any room left for that fear and anxiety.

 

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

Email


in Confidence

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.