3 Downfalls of the PUA Openers

Oh the PUA openers, the supposed answer to the prayer of any guy who has thought “If I just knew how to start a conversation with her, I’d be set”.  You’ve probably heard some of them.  Most of them involve asking the girl her opinion on a subject you don’t really care about, or asking a question you already know the answer to.  They’re an excuse to talk to a pretty girl without letting her know you’re just interested in talking to her.  This makes them a bit of a waste of time, and if you ever use them you might find they cause more problems than they solve.  Here are 3 reasons why:

  1. When you just sit back and ask the same boring questions you don’t really care about, you’re not getting anywhere.  You think you’re the guy pulling the strings and steering the interaction, but really you’re the puppet.  You’re dancing around just trying to say and do the things that will get her to sleep with you.  It’s harder to enjoy the process of meeting women that way and to form a genuine connection.  Telling the same jokes and stories that other people made up are only going to take you so far, and it’s not going to give you the ultimate satisfaction you’re seeking.
  2. Lots of guys feel they’re too “stuck in their own head” when approaching a girl, and think a PUA opener will take care of this.  Sadly it does the opposite.   You get out of your own head by focusing on something outside of yourself, not by focusing on what you’ll say next.  At AoC we focus on teaching banter, which is a great way to get out of your own head.  It shifts the focus to this fun, made-up world that just you and the girl you’re interested in can partake in.
  3. PUA openers and routines don’t always mesh with who you are.  After all they were invented and used by someone who’s completely different than you.  For example lots of guys don’t like the idea of using ‘negs’ on girls.  This is when you throw a subtle insult/sign they’re not good enough their way so that they feel they need to win your approval.  If you don’t want to be that guy, I don’t blame you.  I’d much rather have a girl be with me because she enjoys being with me, not because I successfully exploited her self-esteem issues.

Rather than wasting time memorizing all this bullshit to try and entertain her, focus on just having a fun time with you and your friends.  Then look to share that with whoever is around you.  High five strangers and cheers their glasses.  If you stumble across something funny/entertaining point it out and share it with people.  See how your night goes and how people respond.  If there’s a girl you’re interested in, walk up to her directly and say hi.  Don’t be afraid to show your interest.  It’ll show you’re bold and confident, two qualities she loves.  If she shoots you down (which will happen, nobody’s 100%) it doesn’t matter because you’re already having a good time without her.  You become less dependent on her reactions which not only allow you to have more fun, but will make you more attractive to her and every other girl who may be watching.

Keeping that light, fun, social vibe going will take some getting used to, but it’s very powerful and will lead to a lot of great nights. Besides, meeting and attracting women should be fun, not just a means to an ends.  However the outline above is just the first step in generating attraction.  If you want to perfect your banter, learn to generate rapport and become a master at escalating the interaction then sign up for a live bootcamp in L.A.

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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in Approaching A Woman, Art of Dating

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