How to Talk to Women (For the Nervous Flirter)

There are a ton of guys out there who get nervous when having conversations with women. A lot of this nervousness is simply a result of men never learning how to talk to women. If you find yourself nervous and anxious when approaching women and want to overcome that anxiety by learning how to talk to women, then this article is for you.

Approach women directly

Lots of times a guy wants to know how to talk to women without making it obvious that he likes her. But this is a huge mistake. Trying to mask your intentions often just makes a guy look creepy and turns women off immediately.

So instead of trying to “play it cool”, simply be direct and state whatever it is you’re feeling. If you think the girl is really cute and you just wanted to meet her, say “hi, I just thought you were super-cute and wanted to meet you”. If you’re incredibly nervous when talking to women, state that. Say “Wow, just talking to you is making me nervous”.

Why does this work in attracting women? Because it shows a vulnerability and authenticity that women want in men but most men are afraid to show. When you can own your feelings like this (as opposed to repressing them or letting them own you) you’re going to come off as authentic, confident, and attractive with women.

Start conversations with women using banter

When starting a conversation with a girl you just met it’s best to keep the conversation with the woman light and playful. No need to get deep quite yet – and certainly no need to have the same boring “job interview” conversation she has with every other guy out there. What you want to do in your conversation with women then, is have fun and get things rolling with some playful banter.

How to banter with women has been covered extensively elsewhere (you can start learning how to banter by checking out the toolbox episodes on how to banter with women). If you need help getting started, simply pick two or three banter lines that make you laugh and use them to start a conversation with a women (“You girls look like trouble. Who’s the biggest trouble maker?” is one example of a way to start a conversation with a girl using banter. For more banter examples check this banter cheat sheet). Having a banter line or two in your back pocket can get the ball rolling in how to talk to women and lead to a fun, natural conversation with them.

Get women to talk to you

Many guys are under the impression that flirting with women means the guy has to do a lot of talking. But women don’t want some guy talking at them for thirty minutes. What women want is to engage in a back-and-forth interaction where their thoughts and feelings get heard. So if you want to get women interested in you (and get women to think you’re a great conversationalist) often all you have to do is just sit back and listen.

Now, some guys confuse “listening” with “sitting quietly while thinking of something clever to say next”. But women notice if you’re not really engaged. The trick to being a good listener then, is to actually care about what she’s saying. Take a genuine interest in who this girl is and what she has to say, and you’ll find yourself naturally having interesting conversations with women.

To help you get her talking and get those conversations with women rolling, here are three examples of questions to ask a girl that will help spark an engaging interaction: “So what do you do for fun?” “What is it about this place you enjoy?” “What are three things I’d never know about you just by looking?” These are great questions to ask a girl because they get the girl to talk about positive things she enjoys. As she talks about those things, she’s going to experience positive emotions which she will attribute to you and your conversation skills.

Flirt with women using touch

Touch is the key to flirting with women. Without it, it’s likely you will never be able to get out of the friend zone with a girl. So during your conversations with women, be sure to mix in touch early and often. Start off with light, playful taps around the girl’s elbow. From there move your touches to her shoulder and back, and gradually begin touching her for longer periods of time.

If flirting with a girl through touch doesn’t feel comfortable, a good way to make it easier is to start touching everybody. Get used to just being that guy who pats people on the back, gives hugs, high-fives, and playful punches. Breaking the touch barrier with everyone will make it easier to break the touch barrier with women.

Build your confidence with women

What causes men to have anxiety when approaching women? Often this is due to men putting women on a pedestal. To talk confidently with women, you’ve got to take a girl off the pedestal see her as an actual human being (which is all women want from men anyway). In order to reach that state and improve your confidence with women, here are two things you can do:

First, realize that every woman – no matter how gorgeous – is human. When you see an attractive woman, remind yourself that she has her own fears, insecurities, histories, aspirations, and sexual needs. Ask yourself questions like “what was she like growing up? Does she seem happy? Insecure? What does she get excited about?” Once you’re able to see her as an actual person, it’ll be much easier to have the confidence to approach women and ultimately create attraction with women.

A second way to build up your confidence with women is to focus on your positive traits. Write down the qualities that make you attractive to women on a card and read that card every day to remind yourself of all that you have to offer. This will help you see yourself in a better light so those women will no longer be above you.

Brian M - author of 192 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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