Gaining Confidence with Women

Gaining confidence with women (just like gaining confidence in anything) comes down to three things: attitude, knowledge, and experience.  If you know how to talk to women, have the right attitude about it, and have lots of experience doing it, then that confidence will come easily.

And while knowledge and attitude can be learned easily and painlessly (just rip through the episodes of Pickup Podcast to get started) lots of guys still struggle to gain experience.  Truth is, even with all the knowledge and the right attitude, taking that first step in approaching women can still be intimidating.  But for guys who want to make it easy – even fun – to approach women, this article is for you.  Here are a few exercises and things to focus on that will help you get more experience with women quickly in order to build up your confidence with women.

Start small

A big mistake a guy will make when going out is thinking he’s only going to talk to the hottest women he sees.  Then once he sees that gorgeous woman he gets nervous.  His head fills up with doubts and excuses and he never gets around to approaching her.

But the confidence you need to approach that stunning girl can be built up gradually.  Strike up conversations in low-pressure situations with whoever happens to be around – guys, girls you’re not attracted to, the wait-staff – anybody.  Just get comfortable breaking the ice and being social.

As that social muscle warms up you’ll notice your confidence building and it’ll be easier and easier to initiate conversations.  With that momentum it’ll be no problem to walk up to that knock-out across the bar.  In fact, after you’ve been chatting up everybody else, it’d feel weird not to go approach her.

Take it one step at a time

The idea of approaching a woman and carrying a conversation beyond that initial “hi” can feel daunting for a lot of guys.  But you can gain confidence in your conversation skills through practice and by taking things one step at a time.

If simply approaching women is difficult for you, then just get used to breaking the ice.  Go around the bar giving cheers and high fives to the people passing by.  Once you get comfortable with that, start to throw out some banter – just a line or two that’s light, fun, and playful (you can learn more about banter here).  Eventually it’ll be no problem to banter for with anyone for a few minutes.  Once you hit that stage look to further the interaction through the qualification and rapport phases (basically, get to know her on a more personal level) and start building sexual tension.

Wherever you’re at, you should always look to build your skills by taking your next interaction one step further than your last one.  Keep at it and you’ll be able to confidently talk to women in no time.

Machine gun approaches

Since experience builds confidence with women, you want to get as much experience talking to them as you can.  A great way to do this is through “machine gun approaches”.  This means completely letting loose and talking to EVERY woman you see.

Don’t worry about the quality of the interaction.  Don’t worry about creating attraction, making a good impression, or any of that.  In fact, don’t even think about what you’re doing.  Just get out there and start talking to women.

To keep yourself from overthinking, you can stick to one line to open every interaction.  Even if it’s something as simple as “hi, my name is ___, how’s your day going?”  For many guys, this will be incredibly difficult at first.  But the more you do it the easier it gets.  Going from one approach to the next again and again will make approaching women feel like an absolute joke – you’ll wonder why it ever made you nervous in the first place.

When it comes to doing machine gun approaches you may want to consider going to a venue you don’t normally frequent.  Head to a bar in another town where you won’t have to worry about being recognized.  If bars aren’t your thing, head to a mall and wait at the bottom of an escalator.  Then don’t leave until you’ve invited 50 attractive girls that pass by out for coffee.  It’ll smash that nervousness to pieces – and you’ll likely end up with a couple dates then and there.

Pick the right venue

It’s going to be incredibly difficult to approach women and get that experience if you’re going to venues you don’t enjoy.  If you’re at a place where you don’t feel comfortable, then it’ll take a lot more energy to work up the nerve to be social.  So make the whole process easier on yourself by picking an environment you enjoy.  It’ll help put you in a comfortable, relaxed state that makes approaching women much easier.

Take the pressure off meeting women

Now, some guys are so terrified by meeting women that they still need that extra push to get out there and do it.  If you’re in that category, here are some exercises that will help you get going:

  • Use affirmations.  Before approaching a woman remind yourself of something positive.  Something like: “the outcome doesn’t matter”, “women enjoy meeting me”, “I’m a sexy motherfucker!”  Anything that resonates with you and gets you motivated to get out there and do it.

  • Make approaching women about something else.  When you go out, give your friend your car keys and tell him not to give them back until you approach 10 women.  Make a deal with your buddy that you must approach any woman he points to and if you don’t, you owe him $5.  Rather than being nervous about making a good impression, the interaction becomes about getting your car keys and keeping your money.  It’ll give you that extra kick you need.  Plus, since you’re not focused on the outcome of the interaction you’ll likely be much less nervous and have more fun with it.

  • Find supportive, like-minded guys to help you.  Making a change is hard – it’s even harder if you try to go it alone.  Find some people in your life that will support you in your quest to get more confidence and experience.  People who will hold you accountable and make sure you spend Friday night approaching women – and not reading articles like this one.  It could be a friend, family member, professional coach, pen pal…whatever.  Just find someone.

Brian M - author of 192 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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